


Death's Door

by SongsOfApollo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Cussing, Detailed Wound Descriptions, Drinking, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Medical Trauma, Multiple Perspectives, Reader-Insert, Sex Tags Posted on Individual Chapters, Slow Burn, Violence, medical drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:34:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 93,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27214993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongsOfApollo/pseuds/SongsOfApollo
Summary: A slow burn Levi x Female ReaderYou spent years of your life under the guidance of Dr. Helfen, the greatest physician inside Wall Sina. Now a physician yourself, you work alongside him with pride: stitching up wounds, nursing the sick, and helping to save the lives of many. But after the Battle of Trost, rapid changes begin to take place, starting with an inquiry from none other than Commander Erwin Smith and Captain Levi of the Survey Corps.You have heard many tales from surviving Survey Corps soldiers on what it’s like on the outside: to face a Titan, to feel overwhelming dread, to watch your fellow man perish in such an insulting, gruesome way. You’ve witnessed the effects of Titans on the people you’ve doctored. Now you are to experience the horror firsthand.You are to join the Scout Regiment as their field surgeon, and you will do so under the direct command of Captain Levi.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Levi/Reader
Comments: 710
Kudos: 1653





	1. First, Do No Harm

**Author's Note:**

> While this story provides an alternative perspective to events in the series, it still closely follows the canon storyline. You will be playing a part in events that occur, and so there will be **heavy spoilers** and references to specific scenes throughout.

“A steady hand is key. Both for your own confidence and your patient’s,” Dr. Helfen said softly. There was a quiet click of the needle holders as he pinched the tiny curved needle in its grasp. He dipped it underneath a portion of soft pink tissue. “Remember, the tissue here is very delicate, so be gentle. And be certain you don’t catch the fat in your suture. The fat will die, and then you’re left with a loosened stitch.”

The soldier in front of you grunted. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple, shining underneath the flickering light of the lantern swinging above. He was just one of the many that had lain on this table within the last four days after the Battle of Trost. Your patients’ stories of the witnessed horror from that day continuously echoed in your ears. Those that didn’t wish to speak aloud told you all you needed to know just by the look of their sunken eyes and inward contemplation. You never pushed for more information as you tended to their wounds. Your ears were simply open should they wish to recount their tales while you patched them up physically. Mentally, however, there wasn’t much you could do.

Dr. Helfen’s concentration did not break from his task. His clear eyes focused through the bifocals that sat perched on the end of his long nose. His aged skin may hold wrinkles these days and his hair was peppered with white, but the knowledge in his mind and the skill of his hands were just as youthful as ever.

It was just the three of you in that surgery that day. Your mentor’s practice was simple and consisted of only what you two needed. The main surgery, where the three of you were currently, had all the amenities the practice required. The back study was where you two resided and relaxed.

“Do you really feel the needle, cadet? Was my local anesthetic not enough?” the surgeon asked as he smoothly pulled through the black catgut thread in a fluid motion. He deftly twisted his hand a couple of times, knotting the suture. A quick snip of the scissors and his suture was complete. Another quiet click of the needle holders and the needle plunged back in.

The cadet grunted. “Just some sharp pressure.” His dark eyes flickered over to you and he waggled his brows. “Perhaps I need something a little stronger?”

You snorted and grabbed a dark bottle of whiskey from a nearby table. “Not too much now,” you warned, handing the half-empty bottle to the young cadet. “Pace yourself and don’t move too much while drinking. Wouldn’t want your surgeon here piercing the wrong thing.”

The injured soldier took a quick swig and grinned at you over the lip of the bottle. “Thank you, nurse.”

“Doctor,” you corrected immediately, returning to your place beside your mentor.

“My, my, _doctor_ , is it? Well, now I certainly feel like I’m in capable hands,” he said with a wink. “May I ask why it isn’t your beautiful hands sewing me back up then?”

You leaned forward with a soft smile. “He’s got gentler hands than I,” you whispered.

“Oh, does he now? Here let me see for myself.” The cadet put his bottle down and reached towards you. To keep him distracted from Dr. Helfen’s work, you decided to humor him. You gave over one of your hands. The cadet’s own hands were rough and covered in bloodied blisters that had torn open. The sight of the grime that covered the opened abrasions made you inwardly cringe. You needed to clean those as soon as possible. Softly, he traced the contours of your own clean hand, feeling the delicate veins and bones that ran from wrist to fingertip. His thumb brushed against the back of your hand.

“You don’t hold weapons very often, do you?” he observed.

“I close wounds, not create them,” you replied. You grabbed a bowl of clean water and mixed with it a sterile solution. “I need to clean these before infection sets in those blisters. God knows what’s on your hands.”

The cadet glanced down. “Titan blood and dirt?” he guessed. 

You dipped his dirty hands into the bowl and he hissed in pain. His gaze stayed locked on your face as you gently rubbed them clean. You dried them with a soft towel and wrapped them neatly with sterile bandages. “There. Much better.”

“Not a gentle touch, my ass,” the cadet grumbled as he picked his bottle back up. “I wouldn’t mind knowing how they would feel doctoring _other_ areas.”

You raised a brow. “That would require your other _areas_ to be injured in the first place. Which, if I had to guess, is something you’re not going to want. But it’s what’s going to happen if you keep up that talk in front of my father.”

The cadet choked on his drink, spewing the golden liquid over himself and the table. He glanced between you and the surgeon. “Father?”

Dr. Helfen clucked in disapproval, quickly raising his hands away from the suture site. “No longer sterile,” he mumbled angrily. 

You laughed and stood from your seat, reaching for the jars that contained evenly cut squares of gauze that sat soaking in a sterile solution. “I’m just messing with you. He’s only my mentor.” You gently patted Dr. Helfen’s shoulder. “Easily fixed,” you reassured him. 

He breathed heavily through his nose, setting down the needle holders. “An opportunity to swap out, I suppose. You can finish closing this up. You will need to undermine the septae to decrease the tension of this closure. Get the practice in on a patient who isn’t writhing and screaming.”

Your mentor stood and wiped his hands on his apron, and promptly set off for the back study of his practice. You replaced him on his stool, scrubbing your hands thoroughly before picking up a scalpel and holding it above a flickering flame.

“Charming,” the cadet commented with a snort. He saw the tiny blade headed for his wound and promptly took another swig of the bottle. Funny, you thought to yourself, to be nervous about a tiny scalpel in comparison to what he has to face outside of the walls.

You gently cut back the fibrous tissue underneath his skin and pulled the edges together to see how it would close. Satisfied with the tension, you replaced your scalpel with the needle holders. Hands steady and determination set, you finished the job Dr. Helfen left you, closing up the wound on the soldier’s side.

“Finished,” you said with satisfaction, putting down the needle holders. You went to a shelf filled with different labeled vials, selecting one. With a clean syringe, you drew up the contents of the vial.

You tapped its side. “To prevent infection,” you informed him when you saw his wary gaze. “Wouldn’t want you to survive all that and have it be a fever or sepsis carry you away in the end.”

Before he could protest about the needle, you injected the contents into his arm.

He grunted. “I take back my comment about being gentle,” he grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his arm.

You smirked and carefully cleaned the remaining blood on the skin around the sutured wound. You then took a bandage from the basket that sat nearby and began to wrap it around his torso, covering the suture site. You took a deep breath and rolled out your neck to release the tension that had built there. “All done,” you said with a gentle pat to his bandaged stomach. 

“Thank you, Doctor,” the cadet said, a soft smile on his lips.

“Pleasure is all mine,” you replied, reaching for Dr. Helfen’s log book and a pen. “You can finish off that bottle while I record. As soon as I’m done, you are cleared to return to your barracks. Or report to your captain. Or…whatever the protocol is for you scouts.”

The cadet gave you a mock salute before laying back down, tipping the glass to his lips. An infant sucking on a bottle.

You snorted at the sight before beginning to write:

Year 850.  
_Patient_ : Squad Member Marc Werner of the Survey Corps  
_Attending physician(s)_ : Arthur Helfen; XXXXXX XXXXXX 

_Chief Concern_ : 22 year-old male presented with a wound on his right side. Obtained from a steel blade during a scouting mission.  


_Assessment_ : Deep laceration to the right anterior flank. External abdominal oblique muscle opened with a perforation of 11cm. Normal sanguineous exudate; severe bleeding at time of laceration but had slowed upon admittance with patient applying pressure to area. Patient pain assessment as severe. Tissue healthy and pink. Laceration and surrounding area lavaged with sterile water and an antiseptic. Local anesthetic injected into the surrounding area. Laceration undermined with a 3 layer closure. Antibiotic administered subcutaneously. Dressing applied and covered with gauze bandaging. No other apparent injuries.  


_Plan_ : Change dressing every day. Do not allow the sutures to get wet. Observe for any signs of bleeding or discharge from the wound. No extensive activity for the next 10 days, especially with ODM gear. Common oral pain medications or tea may be used for pain management. Return in two weeks for wound evaluation and suture removal. 

“You’re free to leave now, cadet,” you said, blowing on the fresh black ink shining on the open page before you. “I will see you in a fortnight, yes?”

Marc Werner slipped off the table and landed on his feet. The empty bottle clinked as he placed it onto the surgery table. He smiled and leaned towards you. “Why not see me again sooner?”

You placed the open log book on the nearby desk, allowing the ink to continue to dry. You reached for a small tub and began to load it up with the leftover bloodied instruments. You tossed the empty whiskey bottle into the rubbish bin. “Because you are my patient, not a suitor.”

“Psh. Who says I can’t be both? My ma always said, ‘Marc, make sure you marry a woman who can take good care of you! God knows you need it!’ And by my evaluation, you did a pretty good job of taking care of me today.”

You filled the tub with soap and water and set it aside to soak. You turned to him, hand on hip. “Talk of marriage already? My! I must have had quite the effect on you!”

“An understatement. I think I might be in love! The moment you put that scalpel to my flesh I knew it was destiny.”

You crossed your arms. “It’s time for you to go, Mr. Werner. I’m certain you will find that wife one day, but you will not find her in me,” you said sternly.

“Life is short out there for a squad member in the Survey Corps, Doctor. Any moment could be our last the second we step past those walls. Won’t you help make my life more fulfilling in the meantime?”

Annoyance briefly flashed through you. “I’m afraid my profession would keep me away from my marital duties. I’m far too busy here.” You began to push him towards the door. “Goodbye now, Mr. Werner.”

“You wound me more than that blade did today, Doc!” he mock cried, resisting your shoves to the door. The damn bastard wouldn’t budge. “Matters of the heart are just as important as the flesh. Please won’t you- Commander! Captain!” 

The door of the practice suddenly swung shut behind two figures who had just entered the practice. Mr. Werner had immediately snapped to attention, placing the side of his right fist against his heart. You stumbled from his sudden movement, the momentum from trying to move him pushing you forward. You caught yourself on the surgery table, but not before slamming your hip against its edge. 

“Sonofabitch!” you cursed, rubbing your side. You shot a glare towards the cadet.

“Werner. Your wound has been tended to?” the taller of the two men asked, not unkindly. 

“Yes, Commander Erwin. I can report for duty immediately,” Mr. Werner replied.

“Good. I need you to report to-”

“You most certainly cannot!” you interjected. All three sets of eyes went straight to you. “You need rest, Mr. Werner. No riding horses, no zipping around on that gear of yours! You’ll just tear those sutures open and you’ll be right back here - provided that ripping open your side again doesn’t slow you down and cause you to be eaten!”

The room went silent. The tall blonde man, the one Marc Werner referred to as Commander Erwin, regarded you with a cool look. He looked back towards the cadet. “Werner. You will report to your squadron’s captain immediately. We need updated numbers so I know how many able-bodied scouts I have for the next expedition.”

“Did you not hear what I just-”

“With all due respect, nurse, you do not give my soldiers orders. However, we shall keep your recommendations in mind while we-”

“Doctor,” you interrupted. “And as his _doctor_ , it is my _order_ that he get rest. You send that wounded man back out there, he has a higher chance of perishing than if you had let him heal. And by the number of dead with each expedition, Commander, that chance is already high enough as it is. Not to mention we are well acquainted with many of your wounded here; a number nearly as high.”

“Every scout knows the risk of their job, Doctor, and accepts it with pride,” the commander replied smoothly. “And it is not your place to criticize matters that you have no understanding of.” 

You exhaled through your nose in frustration.

The smaller of the two men, who had yet to say a word, began pacing the room of the small surgery. Captain, was it? The other title Marc Werner had mentioned? Someone of higher ranking considering he had accompanied the commander of the Scouting Legion, for whatever the reason they could possibly be here for. The captain paused by the back desk and peered over at the log book you had left open. You reached over and snapped it closed. “Patient confidentiality,” you scolded, narrowing your eyes at him.

He met your gaze evenly, unfazed. 

You sucked in a breath, unable to look away. 

The flickering light of the desk’s lantern highlighted the color of his narrow eyes. What you thought was dark and cold a moment earlier was actually hues of blue and grey, contrasted by the dark strands of hair framing his eyes. His face looked too young to belong to a captain of the Survey Corps, but the expression held there was one that clearly weathered many hard years. 

You felt a warmth slowly travel up the back of your neck. 

Marc Werner laughed uneasily, breaking the tension. You looked away.

The cadet raised his hands. “No need to get worked up, Doc. I’m fine, really. Thank you again for sewing me back up.” As put his bloodied shirt back on, you turned your back to the captain and made to look at anything else instead. 

Mr. Werner nodded towards the commander. “I shall return to my squad immediately.” He saluted his higher up, fist to heart, before grabbing his tan jacket and making a swift exit out of the surgery. The slam of the door filled the awkward silence surrounding the group.

Commander Erwin now wore a small scowl on his face. You wiped your hands on your apron in irritation. You took a steadying breath to calm yourself before speaking. “Is there a purpose to your visit today, other than dispatching my patient?”

“There is, in fact. We need to speak with the head physician of your surgery,” the commander answered. 

Just in time, the hurried footsteps of your mentor sounded from the back. His voice carried excitement as he shouted from the other room. “Darling! We have growth! I think the new medium you mixed worked even better than the last!” The door to the back study opened and Dr. Helfen proudly waved around a clear dish which was covered in bacterial colonies. The smell permeated the room in an instant. “This is an incredible develop- oh, good evening, gentlemen.” His eyes took in the insignia on their uniforms. “Scouting Regiment! Gracious, are there more injured? What can I do to help?”

The small captain wrinkled his nose in obvious distaste of the smell and regarded your mentor with a look that made your blood boil. Looks be damned, that captain can fuck right off with an attitude like that.

“May we speak with you in private, Doctor?” the commander replied, rearranging his scowl into a polite smile. He gestured to Dr. Helfen’s back study. You wanted to chuck your mentor’s petri dish at his neatly-combed blonde head. Then at that posturing black-haired captain. 

“Certainly! Right this way. Darling, finish cleaning up, will you?” Dr. Helfen led the two men to his office. They followed him in without a second glance towards you. 

Muttering to yourself in annoyance, you continued the job of cleaning up the main room of the surgery. You scrubbed and sterilized the instruments, then the surgery table. You replaced the log book back onto its place on the shelf. As you cleaned, you occasionally glanced towards the door of your mentor’s study. 

Your annoyance grew. 

What could they possibly want with Dr. Helfen? And why was it so confidential that you couldn’t be included? If they planned on taking him away from you, then they would receive worse words from you than what they had gotten earlier. Your mentor was the only person you had left in this life. 

He had taken you in when you were younger, his practice having just opened at the time. And though he had been head high in debt, and could barely afford to tend to himself, he ensured that your belly was always filled with warm food and your head with knowledge. 

With fierce determination and enthusiasm, he nurtured your interest in his work. Sitting on a stool in the corner of his surgery, you intently watched as he tended to patients. You always observed in silence, taking in his every decision and mentally storing away notes.

Dr. Helfen steadily built up a reputation as one of the greatest surgeons within Wall Sina, and even went so far as to publish his own discoveries in the field. There was never a case that he turned away. Whether it was a scout leg amputation, a farmer’s illness, or a wealthy woman’s allergies, he treated all that reached him with empathy and without discrimination. People paid with what they could. Some plucked silver out of their coin purses while others brought with them whatever goods they could part with. 

When the epidemic arrived in Shiganshina, the physician known as Dr. Jaeger had knocked on the door of the practice. The two collaborated heavily in fighting the illness that had arrived in the district. You had assisted in your own way, helping to conduct the experiments in the back room of the surgery, collecting data that helped develop the cure. 

By the end of it, Dr. Jaeger had claimed all the glory, but the satisfaction of knowing he had helped save the lives of many was enough for Dr. Helfen - he wasn’t in this field for the recognition, anyways. However, it always left a sour taste in your mouth, that lack of recognition. If Dr. Helfen had gotten at least some credit, it could have expanded his clientele of patients. He could have treated even more people as a result.

When Dr. Jaeger had disappeared around the time of the fall of Wall Maria, you couldn’t say you were exactly sorry to hear so. Perhaps it was a selfish, immoral thought, having the pleasure of thinking that more people would now come to your mentor rather than Dr. Jaeger. But your empathy only extended so far. There was always something off about that man that made you question his motives. His unconventional interests and strange expressions. The hushed conversations between him and Dr. Helfen in the back room that quickly devolved into arguments that led to your mentor kicking him out. 

When you came of age and told Dr. Helfen your interest in obtaining a formal education, his excitement was palpable. With the little money he had managed to save over the years in addition to his recommendation, you were able to attend university to study medicine in Mitras. Many years of hard work later, you graduated with the title of Doctor. You returned to your mentor’s practice, and he once again took you under his wing, where until this day, you practiced medicine alongside him. 

The day Wall Maria fell five years prior, the number of sick and injured people who came into the surgery became overwhelming, but you and the old surgeon never turned a patient away. No longer observing in the corner, you treated half of the patients that walked through that door. You adopted his philosophy of treating without discrimination and vowed that every soul that walked through that door would leave healed.  
Everyone except those two men, you huffed to yourself.

The thought of having Dr. Helfen taken from you filled your being with anxiety. You would break your oath to do no harm should that commander have plans to make him face an ending as horrid as being eaten by one of those damned Titans. 

You thought back to the shared gaze from before and paused your scrubbing. Those damn grey eyes flashed in your mind. No, no! You will not travel down that road of thinking. You didn’t care how handsome they were! Their motives for being here were suspicious, and you would not let their looks override their actions. You scrubbed harder. 

The only reasoning for their sudden appearance you could think of was that they needed your mentor’s services elsewhere. But that didn’t make sense to you. He had always been able to heal their injured scouts - who made up a majority of your patients - just fine from this location. There would be no need to remove him from his home here within Wall Sina. 

After glancing towards the door for the hundredth time, you sighed and tiptoed towards it. You leaned your ear against the wood, hoping to catch a glimpse of the conversation occurring inside. All you could hear was the occasional muffled voice. You sighed again and returned to cleaning. 

Finally, after circling thoughts and scrubbing the surgery table for the third time as something to do, the door of the back study swung open. You stood to attention, curiosity overriding the annoyance you had felt earlier. The commander and captain walked out, followed by your mentor. Dread pooled in your stomach when you saw his somber expression. 

“What is it? What has happened?” you asked uneasily.

Dr. Helfen cleared his throat and avoided your gaze. Your own stayed locked onto his face, bracing yourself for the worst. You readied yourself to hear that he was going to leave you, this practice, everything behind.

He spoke to the floor. “You will no longer be working beside me. You are now the exclusive attending physician for the Survey Corps.”


	2. The Old Surgeon of Wall Sina

Dr. Helfen gestured with his hand for the commander and captain to enter his quarters. He closed the door behind him with a soft click.

“Now, how may I assist you two gentlemen this afternoon?” the aging surgeon inquired, making his way to the main desk which was placed in the center of the room. He sat behind it and gestured to the two chairs before him.

Dr. Helfen’s thoughts wandered to the young mind in the other room. He had noticed her annoyed expression a moment earlier. Clearly some kind of confrontation had occurred before he interrupted. He wondered what words had been exchanged and he desperately hoped that her tongue hadn’t gotten herself into trouble. Again.

He would have to speak with his colleague at a later time. The priority now were these two Survey Corps members and what they could possibly want with him or the practice. Dr. Helfen cleared his throat. “Before you gentlemen begin, I would like to know your names.”

“My apologies. I should have formally introduced ourselves earlier,” the taller, blonde man said as he took a seat. “I am Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Scouting Legion. And this is Captain Levi.”

Levi took the seat beside the commander, leaning back and crossing his legs. His narrowed gaze never wavered from the surgeon.

Dr. Helfen’s pulse sped up. What could this be about? What could two high ranking members of the military possibly want with him? He swallowed. Could this somehow be about Dr. Jaeger? Have his past sins come to claim him? All those hushed arguments and late nights. He knew he shouldn’t have involved himself with that man! And now with the news that has arrived from Trost…about that Titan…it was all now coming to bite him in the ass!

Dr. Helfen arranged a friendly smile on his face. “My! I have heard many tales about you two from my patients!” he replied, his tone pleasant. “A pleasure to be certain to finally be able to place faces to names! What can I do for you two?”

“I shall get straight to the point, Doctor,” Erwin said, folding his hands around his knee. “I am in need of a competent traveling physician for the Survey Corps. And I need someone who can keep up with the squadrons themselves. Your reputation is of note in this area and per the request of Section Commander Hange Zoë, I was hoping that I would be able to recruit yourself.” His smile wavered. “However, I was not expecting you to be so…”

“Old?” the surgeon replied with a laugh. “I’m afraid I’m past the days where I would be able to fly around with your soldiers.”

Erwin politely returned a smile. “Changes can always be made, however. I can compromise and place you at an established base close by our location,” he said. “Going out with us would be the most ideal, but I understand the limitations of age. It’s your skill and expertise I want.”

Dr. Helfen regarded the two men before him through his bifocals, considering the offer. “While I am honored you thought to extend such an offer to me, I’m afraid you are many years too late. Had you approached me when I was looking for work, I would have eagerly taken station at one of your bases. But I have my practice here now to consider. And I have no intention of leaving it behind.”

Captain Levi spoke for the first time. “It would get you away from this stink,” he said, commenting on the slight foul aroma that wafted from a nearby table. Dr. Helfen glanced towards the source of the smell - the bacterial experiments he and his colleague currently had in progress.

“I hardly notice it anymore,” he said. He tapped the side of his long nose. “Benefit of old age. The other doctor is the one who has to suffer!” The surgeon chuckled.

Levi stood and walked to the only window in the room. He snapped it open. “Tch. Do you two really sleep in this room?”

“I’ve only two rooms to work with, Captain,” the surgeon replied. “We manage with what we have.”

Commander Erwin sighed. “If we may return to the topic at hand. Is there nothing I can do to convince you to join us?”

“I’m afraid not,” the good surgeon replied, leaning forward on his desk and resting his chin on his folded hands. “I am comfortable with my life here. While you and your scouts do honorable work, I’m afraid I do not have the constitution to face the horrors you witness with every expedition. I shall continue to doctor your soldiers who arrive at my practice, but I will only do so at this location. Besides, I can’t very well continue to heal people should I get eaten by a Titan, now can I?”

“I suppose not,” Commander Erwin said with a tight smile. He paused a moment, thinking something over.

Levi glanced over at them from the window. “The doctor in the other room. How much experience does she have?” he asked.

“She has graduated from the university in Mitras. However, while she has an impressive education from the great minds there, she has learned most of what she knows from myself personally,” Dr. Helfen said with pride, sitting up just a little taller. “Quick to learn. She will take my place when I am inevitably gone. There is no one else I would rather have as my successor.”

Erwin and Levi exchanged a look with each other.

“Has she witnessed the wounded that have returned from scouting missions?” the commander promptly asked. “Has she seen those who have managed to survive the Fall of Wall Maria and now Trost?”

“More than that, she has aided me with most of them!” the surgeon replied with enthusiasm and pride. “Why, just two days ago, a Garrison soldier had arrived in critical condition from Trost. The poor young thing, her leg had been crushed most horribly, and it needed to be removed promptly if we were to save her life. My colleague successfully performed the surgery herself, without hesitation and without mistake. While she may have less practical experience than me, I have full confidence that with more years working by my side, she’ll be even better than I!”

Levi removed himself from his spot by the window and began to stroll around the room. He passed by one of the simple beds that had been pushed against the wall, neatly made. A clothing trunk sat at its feet in lieu of a proper wardrobe.

“You are in debt, are you not, Doctor?” he asked, pausing by the second, smaller desk in the room. He picked up at random the little trinkets that had been placed there. He examined them half-heartedly before putting them back where they were. He straightened the papers that lay scattered there.

The surgeon awkwardly adjusted in his seat. “I have been very good about paying it over the years. Never have I missed a collection.”

“It must be expensive owning a surgery in such a location, inside Wall Sina. How close are you to paying it off?” Levi asked, brushing a finger over the surface of the desk, seemingly satisfied when it came back clean. He suddenly stilled and looked towards the door, as if hearing something.

“Close enough. I…well… I may have been set back a few years as I used most of the money I had saved up paying for my colleague’s education. But it is something I do not regret. It was a worthy investment that will pay us - our patients - back tenfold.”

“Is that so?” Levi replied, returning to the seat beside the commander.

The surgeon looked between the two men in front of him. “Now listen here. I will not sell her to the Survey Corps as if she is some commodity-”

“With all due respect, Dr. Helfen, she is,” Erwin replied promptly. “Competent physicians are in shortage these days.”

“Do you truly believe that one physician in your ranks is going to make a difference in the ghastly number of casualties of your scouts, Commander Erwin?” the surgeon rebutted calmly, keeping his temper in check.

“We only need them to make a difference in a select few of our more high-priority members,” said Erwin. “And should she manage to save additional lives in the process, then all the better.”

“And which scouts would those be?” the surgeon asked, suspicion rising.

“Confidential,” Levi promptly replied. “Information only for the physician that accepts.”

The surgeon reached in front of him for the small brain teaser toy that always sat on his desk. He began to fiddle with it.

“News travels quickly in sick rooms. Is this to do with that abnormal Titan? The boy that can transform into one?” The surgeon frowned at his moving hands. He had heard rumors that it was currently locked up underneath the courthouse. It had to be Dr. Jaeger’s son…all those late nights filled with arguments…

“We would fairly compensate you and your practice,” said Commander Erwin, avoiding the question. “I understand we would be taking away additional income from you by removing one of your colleagues. Therefore, I will make certain that your debt is completely wiped clean as compensation. In return, we will have full command of your protégé.”

Dr. Helfen continued to fiddle with the toy, his long fingers swiftly moving the different parts around. “How long would she be with your Scouting Legion?”

“For as long as we need her,” said Erwin. “You mentioned that she was an investment. I shall agree with that statement. I will be making a similar investment in her, but for a different reason. Not just for the patients of your practice, but bigger than that. Should she perform her job well, then she could play an integral part in our fight against the Titans.”

“And if she gets eaten by a Titan on day one?”

“A risk we already make with every recruitment,” Erwin replied smoothly. “If it provides you with any reassurance, she will be overseen by the Special Operations Squad, the best in the Survey Corps. She will also be in frequent collaboration with a few of our Section Commanders, in particular one Hange Zoë. And I will want her trained in defensive combat. With all that in mind, she will be in one of the safest positions in the entire Scouting Legion.”

The surgeon couldn’t help but snort at that statement. “Relatively, of course.” He glanced over at Captain Levi. “You will take care of her?”

Levi’s lips pressed tightly together. He did not speak. He did not make any promises to the surgeon.

The surgeon nodded in understanding and returned his attention back to his toy. The commander and captain waited patiently in silence. They would not move until they got an answer.

He placed the solved puzzle on his desk. “Alright. I will agree, but only because it will benefit more people in the end. And she will return here, should she be willing, after the job is done?”

Erwin nodded. “If she performs her task without fail, then yes, she will be dispatched upon my order and will be free to choose any path she wishes. But only after she performs her duty for the Survey Corps with satisfaction, for however long that may take.”

The surgeon nodded again, then stood from his seat. The commander and captain followed suit. “She will not like this, be forewarned. She will not like that this decision has been made for her.”

“Her response and her actions from here on out are hers to make,” said Levi, arms crossed. “She will learn for herself that she still has autonomy in the Scouting Legion, but it will need to be employed cautiously. It is with that freedom of decision, she could do great things. Perhaps even make better decisions than her superiors. But it’s that same freedom that will force her to learn to take orders in certain circumstances.”

“I think she will do fine under your command, Captain Levi,” the surgeon replied with a reluctant smile. He sighed heavily and glanced towards the door connecting to the surgery. “Well, I suppose I should break the news.”

Dr. Helfen made his way to the door with Erwin and Levi behind him. He took a deep breath and his shoulders slumped. What was he doing? How could he do this to her? 

He opened the door.


	3. Do Great Things

“What is it? What has happened?” you asked uneasily.

Dr. Helfen cleared his throat and avoided your gaze. He spoke to the floor. “You will no longer be working beside me. You are now the exclusive attending physician for the Survey Corps.”

The room tilted. Your mouth tasted of pennies.

“Excuse me?” you said blankly. “I’m what now?” You were certain you weren’t hearing him correctly.

“You are to be enlisted in the Scouting Legion as our physician and field surgeon,” Erwin repeated instead of your mentor. “And you will report directly to Captain Levi here."

Your gaze immediately snapped to the captain that stood beside the commander.

“Levi?” you repeated dumbly. You took in his appearance. The dark cut of his hair, the tired skin beneath his eyes, his height, his demeanor. It clicked in your head then, your patients’ stories, how it fit all the descriptions you’ve heard about the man. “ _The_ Captain Levi? You’re…you…fucking hell,” you mumbled. You slumped against the surgery table you had scrubbed clean. You couldn’t help but laugh. The sour man that you had thought handsome - Levi! And they wanted _you_ in the Scouting Legion?! You were a doctor for God’s sake, not a soldier! A doctor trained for a practice, not for the field! Not to mention they already had enough trouble bringing soldiers back home who had trained for years to survive out there - how were you going to make it more than an hour?

You gave them a doubtful expression. “You don’t really expect me to keep up with a squadron associated with _Levi_ , do you?”

“I don’t,” replied Levi dully.

That struck a nerve.

Sure, he may have been right.

You may have minimal experience when it comes to fighting…  
…or reconnaissance…  
…or Scouting in general…  
But a little confidence in you would have been appreciated, especially considering they apparently wanted you to join their ranks for whatever reason.

Besides, he didn’t know you. He didn’t know what you were capable of learning. You’ve always been a quick study. If you could be a doctor here, then why couldn’t that be translated over into the field?

You mentally shook yourself. Why were you even entertaining this idea?

Whether you joined as the position of doctor or no, this whole situation was absurd. The only connection you’ve ever had to the military was tending to the soldiers who managed to arrive on your doorstep, bloodied and exhausted. Was it merely because of that experience they wanted you? That didn’t seem right.

You crossed your arms, eyes narrowed as you glared at the three men before you. “I am not joining the Survey Corps. My place is here with Dr. Helfen.”

“I’m afraid we don’t have time for this,” said Erwin a bit impatiently, readying himself to leave. “I expect your appearance tomorrow afternoon at the courthouse for the court-martial. You will then set out with Levi’s squad afterwards. Your compliance during this time would be most appreciated.”

“Court-martial?” you repeated, puzzled. “For what?”

“Your primary patient,” was all Erwin explained. “Now, Helfen here has already assured us of your joining and we-”

Your eyes shot to Dr. Helfen. “You agreed to this on my behalf?” Anger began to roil deep in your belly. Your hands trembled. “You have no legal control over me. You have no right to enlist me without my consent!”

Helfen’s mouth opened, then closed, uncertain of how to reply.

“A fair point,” said Erwin smoothly. “An oversight on our part, I suppose. It’s helpful to no one if you do not wish to be with us willingly. So, I shall formally ask you to join us and our cause.” He extended a hand out towards you. “Will you join the Scouting Regiment and accept the position as our field surgeon?”

You looked between him and his hand, dumbfounded at his audacity. “No!”

Dr. Helfen looked anxiously between you and the commander.

“You cannot force her to join, Erwin. We’re wasting our time,” said Levi, sounding annoyed. Erwin dropped his hand back to his side.

“Happy to know someone here has some sense,” you said bitterly.

“Excuse us for just a moment!” Dr. Helfen said, pulling you away from the two men. “Please, don’t go anywhere! I promise we’ll be just a minute!” Your mentor closed the door of the study, shutting out the displeased expressions of the scouts. He took a deep breath. “Now please listen for just a-”

“What on earth has gotten into you?” you interrupted. “Why are you trying to pawn me off to them? Without any consideration for what I think?”

You didn’t know what was more overwhelming at that moment: your anger or confusion. Your temper encouraged you to pick a fight with Dr. Helfen for thinking he could choose your fate for you without your involvement. Then you were going to give those two military men a thorough thrashing for having the gumption to think they could just waltz in here and destroy the life you were comfortably building.

On the other hand, that small, scientific part of you wanted to know more. Beneath the roiling anger licking at your veins, curiosity sparked. Questions flooded your mind. Who was this primary patient? What does this court-martial have to do with them and why did Commander Erwin want you there? What exactly would be expected of you in the Scouts? Was there more to this than just tending to those injured during expeditions and patrols?

You imagined yourself out there, outside of those walls. The cases you would experience could be incredible - the best you would ever see in your entire career. The Survey Corps patients you tended to in Sina were those who had already managed to survive and just needed patching up. But what if you could actually save a life out there? To prevent a death, rather than just fix the wounds of those who were lucky enough to evade it? That is, if there was anything left of them to save after a Titan was finished with them.

“Explain. Now,” you seethed at your mentor.

Dr. Helfen threw up his hands, waving them nervously about. “An opportunity, darling. I always knew you would do great things in your life. Even better than me! Now is your chance to-”

“You cannot make such a decision without my consent!” you retorted, voice rising as your temper overrode any bit of excitement you had felt a moment earlier. “What would even cause you to do such a thing anyways?!”

“I, uh, well…remember how you once told me you would do anything for me, for this practice? How you always wished you could help pay off what I owe so we could move…” He peeked up at you from under his bifocals.

The betrayal you felt washed over you fast.

You blinked at him, astonished.

You unleashed your temper.

“You SOLD me?! To pay off your debts?!” you said furiously.

“You should take it as a compliment, dear, that they would pay such a high price for your skills!”

“Oh, yes, I’m so flattered,” you spit at him sarcastically. You began to pace the room.

Dr. Helfen had always been a man you could trust. He had nurtured your talents. He always took into consideration your feelings and opinions. Never had he forced you into a situation you had no desire to be a part of. This was so unlike him. Money was never his primary focus. It was about the lives he made a difference in, whether that was his patients or yours. And now to be sold off to the Survey Corps so his debts could finally be paid off? It was insulting. Was that all his value was to you? Someone he could train and then pawn off at the first opportunity? No, that couldn’t be right.

Dr. Helfen placed his hand on your shoulder, halting your pacing. You shook him off.

“I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want to hear it anymore,” you seethed.

“Please, let me explain,” he said, his tone desperate. “It wasn’t about the money.”

You couldn’t help but scoff at hearing that. Why else did he do it?

“I want so much more for you, darling,” he began again. “Life is comfortable here within Wall Sina. And while we do make a difference in the lives around us, it’s on such a small scale. Every life saved is still precious, but how long must we go on placing a temporary bandage on a problem that requires a bigger, better solution? Not to mention, with the breach of Wall Maria and now Rose, it’s only a matter of time until the problem reaches us here too.”

Your mentor placed his hand back onto your shoulder. This time you let him keep it there. He turned so you faced him.

“Erwin and Levi have presented an opportunity to do work greater than just us, don’t you see? While they may not have divulged specific details, I’m well aware of their goals and aspirations. You will get to partake in change that is bigger and more meaningful than if you stay here with me, in this small practice. Just imagine it, getting to play a part in not just saving a few humans, but humanity itself.”

His voice soothed the anger that roared in your head and heart, but there it still lay, egging on your temper.

“I’m being sent off to be eaten by a fucking Titan! I won’t make it one minute out there!”

Dr. Helfen chuckled in good humor, patting your shoulder. “I have good faith in Captain Levi and his squadron. You know they’re regarded as the best in the Survey Corps. They’ll keep you safe.”

“Is that what they promised?" you asked, eyeing the doctor suspiciously.

He shrugged. “More or less. It’s better protection than most get in the Scouting Regiment.”

You huffed, crossing your arms. “He’s so small. It makes me doubt all those stories we’ve heard from our patients. There’s no way he does all the things they say.”

The surgeon laughed again. “Never underestimate someone by their size. Whether that’s Levi or a Titan.”

You sighed, the last of your anger fading into resignation. “You could have come to me first. I wouldn’t necessarily have said no if you had just involved me in the discussion.”

Guilt clouded your mentor’s eyes. “I regret the way I went about things. But they wanted a decision then, and I knew you would eventually come to terms with it.”

A thought seized you. “If I die early in my deployment, do you still get the money?”

Dr. Helfen shifted awkwardly on his feet. “What a horrible question!”

“Just answer it, please.”

“I believe so, yes,” he said uneasily. “Per our agreement, should you enlist, then the debt would be cleared.”

“Well, at least that’s another positive to all this. Although it would mean they made a terrible business deal on their end.” You shook your head in disbelief. “I will be a hindrance to them out there in the field. Captain Levi is going to have his work cut out for him.”

Your mentor gave you a sad smile, then enveloped you into a hug.

“You will do fine,” he said into your shoulder. “I know you will do great things, little bones.”

You started. He hadn’t used that name for you in years.

Do great things, huh? You let him go. Were you really about to agree to this? You touched the handle of the door, prepared to turn it. You willed yourself to stop, but you already knew it was too late. You turned the handle.

You stepped out of the study and saw that Erwin and Levi had made themselves comfortable as they awaited your decision.

“About time,” Levi commented, either boredom or annoyance plastered on his face. Both, you decided.

You swallowed. “Alright. I’ll join.”

“Good,” said Erwin, rising from the stool he was perched on. He extended out a hand towards you. “Welcome to Survey Corps.”

You eyed it, not wanting to shake it.

Your mentor nudged your side. You sighed and reached out, accepting the offer.

“You criticized my casualty numbers earlier, Doctor,” said Erwin, releasing your hand and turning his back to you as he walked towards the exit. Levi followed close behind. “Now’s your chance to improve them yourself.”

Indeed. A chance to improve those horrid causality numbers. You weren’t so arrogant to assume that the addition of your abilities out there would make such a significant difference, but even if you could prevent the deaths of a few soldiers, then wouldn’t it be worth it? For a mother to have a son to return to her hearth or a lover to have their partner return to their bed? Even if they didn’t always return in one piece, they could at least be alive. If you could at least do that for a few more people in this hellhole of a world, then wouldn’t it be worth the risk to yourself? To leave the comfort of your own life so that others could return to theirs?

“Wait!” you called out. They paused. You still couldn’t believe you were actually going through with this. Your hands now shook for a different reason. “I want to know more about this primary patient. What is their condition?”

“I assure you, you will learn everything tomorrow,” Erwin said unhelpfully. “Oh, it also wouldn’t hurt to bring along some supplies you think you might need while with us.”

You watched in stunned silence as the commander and captain took their leave.


	4. The Trial of Eren Jaeger

You arrived at the courthouse early afternoon the next day, medical bag in hand, just as instructed.

You had no idea what the dress code was for a court-martial. The closest you’ve come to a trial before was the single malpractice case you were required to attend when you were at university. You figured it would be similar to then and so you put on the nicest dress you owned. It was simple, but at least the blue cotton was stain-free and the white shift beneath was freshly bleached.

You tightened your grip on the handles of your bag and wished you could wear your medical trousers and smock, which lay neatly folded inside. While they may have been stained and thread-worn, you felt far more comfortable in them.

It had been a few years since you needed to wear this dress, and so the fit was a little tight and your breasts pushed up. You had to rummage in Dr. Helfen’s trunk of old clothing for a kerchief large enough to modestly cover your chest. At the very bottom, you had discovered several piles of neatly folded gowns and other women’s garments. You hummed in curiosity, wondering whose these had belonged to. You pulled out a simple white fichu that had delicate embroidering around its edges. You pinned it around your shoulders and closed the trunk.

You had packed the bare minimum with you, uncertain of what you needed. You assumed they needed you to pack light for your travels - wherever that was supposed to be. A spare change of clothes along with a few toiletries accompanied your medical bag which was filled with everything you guessed would be necessary in the field. Suture material, basic instruments, your stethoscope, antibiotics, salve, tourniquets, a wooden bit, syringes and needles, rolls of bandaging and gauze, pain medications, splints of various sizes, smelling salts, sterile water, a bottle of antiseptic solution - all were packed neatly inside. On the very top of your supplies sat a little black book, given to you by Dr. Helfen.

The farewell at the surgery’s door that morning had been somber. You didn’t sleep well the previous night and the nerves of departing had caused you to toss and turn. When morning had finally arrived, reprieving you from the fitful sleep, your hands shook as you finished packing. It even took you two tries to finish tying the front of your corset, the ties slipping through your fingers.

Dr. Helfen’s knobby fingers had rested on your shaking hands when he noticed your struggle. You peeked up at him through your lashes. “I don’t know why I’m feeling nervous today,” you said sheepishly.

Your mentor gave you a soft smile, though you could see guilt still weighing heavily on his shoulders. “Indeed, it is curious. Never has your hand wavered on an open patient, but when it comes to tying your stays, it’s as if you developed the shakes.” He finished tying off the corset for you. You murmured your thanks and faced the mirror, fidgeting with the rest of your clothing.

Dr. Helfen watched from behind. He cleared his throat.

“I, uh, have something I wish to give you.” He reached into his smock and pulled out a small notebook. It was bound in a rich black leather. He extended it towards you. “To start recording all your own cases,” he explained as you accepted his gift. “I am certain you will encounter the most interesting and rewarding cases out there in the field.” 

“Provided I survive long enough to even see such,” you mumbled. You flipped through the book, the pages crisp and new. The smell of fresh paper wafted from it. You closed your eyes and brought your nose to it, inhaling deeply. 

“Make me proud out there,” your mentor said, his voice cracking. You looked up in surprise and found tears welling up in his eyes. “You return to me. Promise me that you will return. Whole and alive.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a tight squeeze. “I’ll do my best. I won’t forget a thing you’ve taught me. I promise.”

He patted your back and with a final sniffle, pulled away. He wiped his eyes on his sleeves. You slipped your new notebook beside your medical supplies and buckled the bag closed.

As you walked to the door, Dr. Helfen handed you a sweet roll neatly wrapped in a cloth. “For the trip to the courthouse.”

You accepted it with thanks, and with a final smile to your mentor, stepped out of the practice.

The rising sun reflected just off the top edge of Wall Sina, its bright rays piercing your vision. You brought your hand to your brow, shielding your eyes. The early morning crowds had begun to fill the streets, the soft chatter of conversations filling the air. It was a long walk to the courthouse, so you set out without delay.

As you turned the corner on one of the streets you heard the distinct sound of the morning paper snapping open and then a soft _tsk_. 

“Do they really think we can support all those refugees here?” said a gruff voice.

You paused your walking, curious. You pretended to look into the window of a nearby shop; a potential customer evaluating the goods. 

“Apparently so,” said the gentleman beside him. His own paper rustled as he turned the page. “As horrific as the events in Trost were, we simply do not have the resources to support all those who wish to come here.”

“It’s simply the risk they took living in the outer walls to begin with,” said the first man. “It’s their own damn faults they now beg at our doors. Our supplies have already been cut and given away for free while we still have to pay out of our own damn purses!”

“If refugees entering Wall Sina is inevitable,” the second man replied, “then we should petition that those with higher value enter first. At least then there would be _some_ control over who receives what. Merchants should have enough coin on them that they could at least compensate us for whatever resources they need.”

You had heard quite enough and walked away before you caused a scene. 

Similar conversations brushed past your ear as you traveled. Many discussed their fear of the impending refugees, worried that their homes and jobs and food would be taken from them. Never did you hear those of Sina talk about the refugees and their plight with empathy, only with anger and annoyance.

Among all the talk about refugees, others spoke about the abnormal Titan that plugged up the hole in Trost. It apparently had even fought other Titans, utterly ignoring the humans. Unlike when discussing the refugees - which was spoken loud and harshly - talk of the Titan was always in whispered, shaky voices. The fear was obvious in their voices. How long was it until disaster reached Sina too? 

You had heard about the abnormal Titan from a few of your patients these past few days. Unlike the folks of Sina, however, your soldiers had spoken of it with awe and something akin to hope. The tide of battle against the Titans was completely changed due to him - this boy that could apparently transform into a Titan. Perhaps they could use him to their advantage again in the future, they had said with optimism in their eyes as you tended to their wounds. If there was one thing both sides agreed on, this person was completely changing the discourse surrounding Titans. 

It clicked then in your head. 

The person on trial was to be your patient, Erwin mentioned the day before. You shook your head in disbelief. He couldn’t possibly mean that abnormal Titan, could he? Was Erwin really so crazy as to draft a _Titan_ into their ranks? 

He’s still part human supposedly, you reminded yourself. If he was to be your patient, then you refused to allow your preconceived notions about Titans influence your opinion of him. If his ability held true, then it was a revolutionary breakthrough in humanity’s knowledge of Titans. 

An image of Dr. Helfen’s face from the other day flashed in your mind. You had been doctoring a Garrison soldier who suffered from multiple fractured ribs. To keep themselves distracted, they told you of the boy who emerged from a Titan’s husk, alive and whole. You were fascinated by the tale, but your mentor had looked ill. He excused himself to the back study, his face pale. You thought nothing of it at the time, but now it made your suspicions rise. Shouldn’t this development have sparked that curious mind of his? You wished you had talked to him about it but the influx of patients from Trost prevented any kind of private conversation from occurring. You desperately wanted to know his opinion about it now.

When you had finally arrived at the courthouse, breakfast long past devoured and feet aching, you realized you had no idea where in the courthouse you were supposed to go. So you resorted to dropping your bag between your feet and leaning against one of the pillars that stood at its entrance. You crossed your arms. If they needed you, they could find you. It’s their fault they weren’t more specific in their instructions. 

To pass the time, you watched the various people who began to file their way into the courthouse. Based on the amount of people that had arrived today, especially those in uniform, clearly the trial was for someone quite significant. Definitely this Titan boy, you decided. As the sun rose across the sky, so did the heat. You felt a bead of sweat roll from the back of your neck and down your spine.

“Harlot,” someone said as they passed.

You turned to see who had made the comment but they quickly became lost in the crowd that walked past the building. 

“The day of repentance has arrived for the people in Trost!” some pastor said loudly as he walked by. No one around him paid him any attention. That didn’t seem to discourage him, however. “Your foul alterations to Wall Rose have led to God’s righteous fury! Pay heed, people of Wall Sina! This is what comes to those who interfere with the divinity of the Walls! We have no others to blame but those who-”

You promptly tuned out his preaching. Sanctimonious twat.

“How much?” someone whispered by you.

You turned your head to see a man standing a foot away. He had greying hair and was wearing quite an expensive suit, a golden chain clipped from his waistcoat to the pocket of his trousers. He was leaning against the side of your pillar, the brim of his silk hat tipped forward as he pretended to nonchalantly read the daily paper.

“Excuse me?” you asked. You picked up your bag and gripped the handles tightly. 

He didn’t lift his eyes from the paper. “How much do you, uh, _you know_ …”

Your lips parted in shock. 

The man’s eyes briefly rose from the paper to scan you from head to toe. “You must be one of the Behr Girls. We rarely get the pretty ones out here. Usually he keeps the good ones close by himself. But considering you’re standing out here in the daylight, and here at the courthouse, he must be trying to snag some good coin. I must say, the man is smart, using the court-martial for his own benefit. What prices did he set for today?”

“I am a _physician_ , sir!” you exclaimed in shock.

He smiled and gave you a look you could only assume was supposed to be flirtatious. “Then I am to be your patient? How thorough will be your, ah, _examination_?”

You glanced down at the paper in his hands and noticed the golden band around his ring finger. 

“I don’t think you want me touching your cock, sir. Who knows what might happen to it. Although then I could send it to your spouse in a box. I'll even wrap it with a pretty bow. I suspect they'll like such a gift."

His smile wavered. He spit at your feet and you jumped away from it.

“To be judged by someone like you! Dressed the way you are, advertising yourself!”

You looked down at yourself, confused. The fichu still covered everything. Your dress looked no different from what others wore. 

“Ah, you’ve come. Good,” Erwin said in the way of greeting as he walked up the steps, Levi beside him.

“Impeccable timing,” you said dryly. 

“Thank you, gentlemen, for your incredible service and bravery,” the man said to them, chest puffed pompously. His tough demeanor he displayed a moment before had completely vanished. He folded his paper underneath his arm and straightened the hat on his head. 

You held back a scoff. Not at the sentiment expressed by the man, but rather at the sudden change in his demeanor. All it took was two men in uniform and the man devolved into a submissive twat. 

“Indeed, thank you for protecting the innocent from disgusting pigs,” you grumbled.

Erwin raised a brow and Levi turned his attention towards the man. At noticing Levi’s cold stare, he promptly took heed and bolted down the stairs, disappearing into the afternoon crowd.

You cleared your throat. “I didn’t know where you needed me. Or what exactly my purpose of being here was.”

“A suggestion from Section Commander Hange Zoë, which I agreed with. Having you as a witness today would be an informing prelude to the start of your work with us,” Erwin replied, his demeanor towards you much kinder than it had been yesterday. Had he forgiven you already for the way you had spoken to him? “Speaking of, Hange should be here any moment. They were the one who originally pitched Dr. Helfen’s name. Since we were unable to obtain the good surgeon, they are most interested in meeting you, as you were his student. You will find yourself working closely with them on various projects within the next few weeks.”

Curiosity bubbled to the surface.

“Projects?” you inquired.

Erwin gestured to the crowd of people with listening ears walking past them. “Another time,” he said with a polite smile.

“They’re here,” Levi noted blandly, closing his eyes as if mentally preparing for something. 

“Erwin! Levi!” a voice loudly sang. “There you two are!”

A whirlwind force of a person came barreling through the crowd, gently pushing people aside to make their way through. “Ohhh! Is this who I think it is?!” They gasped in excitement, their eyes alighting behind their thick square glasses when they landed on you. 

“Hange, I assume?” you said, amusement pulling your lips up.

They lunged forward and grabbed your hand. They profusely shook it with a grin. “You know me already! And you are Dr. Helfen’s protégé?”

You flushed in pride. “The one and only.”

“I know all about Dr. Helfen’s accomplishments!” exclaimed Hange, practically bursting with excitement. “The man is a genius in medicine! I’ve read all his published papers! It was my suggestion to recruit him to the field, you know. I suspected his older age might have been an issue, but I figured accommodations could have been made.” They grabbed you by your shoulders and held you out at arms length to examine you. “But you! You will do great! To have his direct understudy is the second best thing I could have asked for! The knowledge in that head of yours passed down from him, paired with your youth, ohhh it’s a perfect combination!”

“You will tire her out before she’s even started,” said Levi, sounding exhausted himself. 

“You’re so cute, too!” said Hange, squishing your cheeks. “That must be why Erwin and Levi were so quick to suggest you when they couldn’t get Helfen for me! Why have a wrinkly old man around when they could have someone like you! And I bet your brain is just as beautiful! I can’t wait to pick at it!”

“Likewise,” you replied through your smushed cheeks.

Erwin sighed and Levi merely crossed his arms.

“Hange,” he said sternly. “You’re causing a scene.”

Indeed those that passed your small group looked over with curious and annoyed expressions. Hange paid no heed.

“They just don’t understand,” they said with a heavy sigh. They suddenly gasped again. “Miche! You’re finally here! Look who also came!” 

Hange eagerly pushed you forward towards a man walking about who towered above even Erwin. The long bangs of blonde hair were swept to either side of his face. The expression he wore was dour, his frowning mouth surrounded by whiskered facial hair. He said nothing as he eyed you over. He sniffed once before returning his attention to Hange.

“It’s time,” was all he said. He placed a hand on their arm and pulled them away from you, guiding them into the courthouse.

“I shall see you again soon!” Hange said cheerfully over their shoulder as they stumbled away. “What do you think he’s going to be like?” they said animatedly to Miche, voice fading as they practically skipped into the building. 

“Charming,” you commented sincerely. Suddenly this recruitment was looking up now that you knew you would be working with someone as pleasant as them. You expected the ideas in that neurotic head of theirs had to be utterly brilliant. 

“They’d be more charming if they bothered to bathe more,” said Levi as the three of you entered the building. 

“Filth bothers you, Captain?” you asked, remembering his reaction to the smell of the bacterial petri dish in Dr. Helfen’s surgery. 

“You will find no cleaner man in the entire military,” Erwin said with wry amusement. 

You smirked. “At least I won’t have to worry about you getting ill due to poor hygiene, Captain Levi?”

“It’ll be a dark day in hell should that happen,” said Levi ominously. 

Erwin gestured to a line of townspeople waiting inside, just outside the main doors of the courtroom.“You will enter with them. Someone will come find you afterwards. I hope today doesn’t scare you off.” If anything was going to scare you off, it was going to be death by Titan, not a trial. With a final nod, Erwin and Levi strode away from you, a quiet conversation sparking between them as they went down a different hallway.

You watched them disappear before joining the end of the line Erwin had pointed to. You peered around the person standing in front of you, attempting to figure out how long you were going to have to wait. Based on the length of the heated argument occurring between a merchant and the guard in front of the doors…a while. You sighed.

Eventually the line began to move once the man who had caused the argument was escorted out by those in uniform. The guards, Military Police based on the unicorn insignia sewed onto their jackets, patted each person down for weapons and took away any possessions before allowing them to enter.

You waited in line, shuffling forward every time a person was accepted into the courtroom. When it came to be your turn, the guard extended an open hand for your bag. You handed it to her.

“What’s in here?” the guard inquired, opening the straps of the bag and peering in. 

“Medical supplies,” you answered honestly as a second guard came over and patted your person for hidden weapons. “I was granted clearance to attend today’s trial.” You squirmed uncomfortably, both at the stranger’s touch and the rummaging through your bag.

“By who?” she asked.

“Commander Erwin,” you replied.

The guards glanced at each other, then snickered.

“I’m happy my reply gave you two amusement. Now, please be gentle with-”

“What’s this?” the guard searching your bag asked as they pulled out a rolled up pouch. They unraveled it, revealing a neat row of syringes and capped needles. “What are you planning on doing with these?”

You exhaled in frustration. “I’m a physician. For the Scouting Legion. Now please be gentle. Those are all I have and if you-”

“I’ll just keep this here with me,” she said, tossing the syringes back inside. She then pitched your bag into a pile with others. 

“I said be gentle! That’s-”

“Move along,” the guard behind you drawled, moving their hands to your back and pushing you forward. You joined the group of accepted townsmen in the courtroom with annoyance. You took station at one of the benches located towards the back of the courtroom. To your left stood two women, an open fan in each of their hands. To your right was a man who smelled of tobacco and shaving oil.

Further down to the left you saw Erwin and Levi file in, taking their places at a railing before them. Surrounding them were other members of the Scout Regiment and the Garrison. Opposite them were the Military Police; the same insignia sewn onto their jackets as those who had patted you down. Mixed in were several men wearing black robes. You recognized one as the man who had droned on about defiling the wall when you had waited outside. 

Before you, on the other side of the room, stood an oversized mahogany stand. The middle seat - the magistrate’s you assumed - was empty.

The noise level of the courtroom raised with conversation the more that entered. Your eyes lifted to scan the upper viewing boxes, which were also beginning to fill with various military members. Your eyes caught on the artwork painted on the ceiling.

The woman beside you fanned at her face with her embroidered fan, pushing a foul aroma towards you. “Goodness, it’s hot in here,” she complained. You tried your hardest to be polite and not cover your nose at the body odor that wafted over. When was the last time these ladies bothered to bathe? They stunk to high heavens of some kind of pungent perfume they doused on their skin instead of what they should have been using - soap and water. 

“Commander Smith looks quite handsome today, don’t you think?” the lady beside you said to her friend. “Such pretty blonde hair. Imagine how precious his children would look with that color! So tall too,” she added, sighing longingly. 

Her friend giggled in response. Her own fan beat faster and you suppressed the urge to snatch the damn thing away from her. Did no one else notice this stink they kept wafting about. God above, you’ve tended to wounded soldiers who smelled better! “Anyone is going to look taller and handsomer if they stand beside Captain Levi,” replied the friend. 

The woman directly next to you clucked her tongue. “Bah. He’s not _that terrible_. I mean, if you squint your eyes and get him in the right lighting…”

“He’s just so _little_. He would need a stool every time we kissed!” They snickered behind their fans. 

Irritation flashed through you. You leaned over and smiled at the two women. You made sure not to breathe in as you got closer. “Judging by the strong odor of perfume trying its damnedest to cover the stink coming off you ladies, it’s safe to assume that the last time you likely bathed was weeks ago. Levi wouldn’t stand a foot within your radius, never mind put his lips anywhere on you.”

The smiles slipped off their faces. The fans stopped beating. Their eyes scanned you with sour expressions. Clearly your input was unappreciated.

“I recommend starting to bathe more regularly. Wouldn’t want you two getting ill,” you continued before they could get a word in. You straightened and returned your attention forward. “Theresa Becker’s shop usually has a good price on lye.”

A hush suddenly fell over all those in the courtroom, cutting off their chance of a reply. The person to stand trial was on their way in. The two ladies snapped open their fans again and waved them back and forth more vigorously. The man to your right politely coughed.

The doors opened and in came a handcuffed boy, anxiety stamped clearly on his face. They brought him forward to the center of the room and forced him to kneel. You watched from behind as a pole slid down and secured the irons around his wrists, cuffing him to the pole.

Conversation around you started up again, this time in whispered breaths to one another. Was it really this boy that had everyone feeling threatened? The rumors you had overheard this morning from those discussing the day’s news swirled in your head, connecting to one another. 

A middle-aged man entered then, taking that empty middle seat at the magistrate’s stand. He was introduced as Premier Dhalis Zachary. It was the first time you’ve seen the head of the military, although you recognized the name.

And so began the court-martial. 

As the Military Police began their proposal, your suspicions about this boy became confirmed. Despite one of your questions being answered, even more began to flood your brain. How was he able to transform? Are there others like him? How much control does he have over it? 

The answer to your last question was quickly presented. No one knew, and it clearly frightened those of the Military Police who had proposed to dissect and execute him. The loud-mouthed pastor from before interrupted, spewing the same nonsense he had outside. 

When it came time for him to speak, Erwin’s proposal was simple: he wanted this boy, Eren Jaeger, to join the Scout Regiment. Such an asset would be revolutionary for the Scouts, should this boy gain control of this ability. But how could they even guarantee that the Titan boy could even develop such a skill? How does one train a skill that has never existed before? Especially one that was so volatile and uncertain. Are the Scouts really so confident as to be able to handle such a task? Who could-

Your eyes immediately shifted over to Levi, who stood there, arms crossed. Then you looked to his left at Erwin. And finally, you looked up to the box seats where Hange had entered after the court-martial had begun. Projects, eh? You saw then the cards Erwin had in his hand.

Debate continued on who should get custody of this Eren Jaeger. While those in the Garrison and Scout Regiment remained calm, those in the Military Police became heated and emotional. Voices and temperaments raised. Their fear of Eren was clearly the primary motivation behind their proposal and arguments. One man in particular, a merchant, became hysterical and joined in on the debate. You recognized him as the merchant from before who had argued with one of the guards. You had seen him get escorted out, so how on earth did he manage to get back in? 

Levi cut in, his composure even. His tongue was sharp and his argument blunt. A feeling sparked in your chest at his words and you couldn’t help the corners of your lips lifting. You felt…admiration.

As the debate pressed forward, your eyes went to the accused at the center of it all. You could see tension building in his back. When another name was thrown into the arguments, a Mikasa Ackerman, all restraint left Eren Jaeger. 

His outburst was emotional, his pleas to be trusted ringing throughout the room. The boy was likely confused as it was from these last few days, and to now have people all around you discussing whether you should live or die, be dissected or trusted - how heavily that must weigh on a person. Such an outburst was unsurprising. Justified, even.

The end of his speech left everyone stunned. The townsmen around you held their breath, the women beside you stilled their fans. Everyone awaited what would come next.

When the Military Police cocked a gun and instructed to take aim, disbelief flooded your body. Surely they didn’t have the clearance of such an action? And in this location. How could they have the nerve to do such a thing in front of the premier without consequence? 

Movement from the side of the Scouts and the Garrison caught your eye, but before you could make sense of it, the sound of a boot meeting flesh filled the tense air. A tooth clinked against the floor as it tumbled away.

The women to your left gasped loudly. 

You couldn’t help but flinch every time Levi’s foot connected with Eren. The sound of the boy’s grunts of pain echoed in your ears. There seemed to be no end in sight to the beating. You desperately wanted to pull Eren Jaeger away from this brute and evaluate his condition. It felt wrong to just stand by and do nothing. You needed to fix the damage Levi was currently inflicting. All admiration you had felt before vanished in that moment and was replaced with pure shock mixed with something else you couldn’t recognize.

Who did you get yourself involved with?

_Someone unafraid who could handle Eren Jaeger in his Titan form, should he transform and become uncontrollable._

Point taken.

You shook your head in disbelief. That was one way to go about it. 

As soon as Levi finished his assault on the boy, Erwin took the opportunity then to put in one final word. He mentioned an expedition, one Eren will participate in. The results of such would demonstrate further Levi’s ability to control the boy, as well as determine whether Eren can be relied upon. A better, fairer trial to determine his fate compared to this one. Let those results be a better source to judge for the premier, rather than the arguments that had been thrown around today.

Premier Zachary made his decision then. He will allow Eren Jaeger to join the Scout Regiment under the direct custody of Levi. 

The court adjourned then, much to the chagrin and annoyance of the Military Police. The people in your section turned to leave, discussing among themselves the trial they had just witnessed. You weren’t surprised to hear most of the conversations centered around Levi’s performance. You followed the flow of the crowd to the courtroom’s exit.

You strained your neck trying to spot what they were doing to Eren. If he was to be your patient then shouldn’t you tend to his wounds now? You watched him be brought through a separate door; Erwin and Levi following close behind. 

Your bag was returned to you and you promptly took survey of its contents. Once you were satisfied that everything was still accounted for and packed properly once again, you buckled the bag closed. You looked around, trying to figure out how the hell you were going to find Levi and Eren Jaeger. 

Hange came running towards you then, immense excitement written all over their face. The parting crowd shot them annoyed looks as they pushed past.

“Oh, you must come see this! It’s a marvel!” Their cheeks were flushed with pleasure as they gripped one of your hands and tugged you away. They took you into one of the back hallways of the courthouse. 

“Imagine the possibilities with such amazing healing time!” they said excitedly. “But no, it’s not just healing, it’s complete regeneration! We must discover what causes this phenomenon to occur at such a rapid speed. If we could isolate the source, imagine the uses in your field! How much easier it would make your job!”

You shook your head in confusion. Your shoulder began to ache from their tugging. “What are you even referring to?”

“Eren, of course!” Hange exclaimed. “His tooth! The one Levi knocked out. It’s completely regrown! A normal adult tooth! It’s as if it never left his mouth!”

“How is that possible?” you asked in disbelief. 

“Who knows! But that’s what we’re going to find out!” Hange burst through one of the doors. They finally released your hand. You rubbed at your sore shoulder. 

“Erwin has left,” Levi informed Hange. He sat on a couch, legs crossed. Beside him was Eren Jaeger. Miche stood in the corner, his face impassive, gaze never wavering from Eren.

Hange didn’t even acknowledge Levi’s comment as they scurried over to a side table and picked something up. “Look! Look!” In Hange’s grip was a kerchief, which they promptly shoved into your hands. You unfolded the cloth to discover the tooth that had been knocked clean from Eren’s mouth. You looked over at the source of the tooth.

“Has your tooth really regrown?” you asked. You took a hesitant step towards him. “May I see?”

Eren merely opened his mouth in response. You peered in and sure enough, all teeth were accounted for. “Fascinating,” you murmured under your breath. Hange was right. Should you be able to source his ability of rapid regeneration and isolate it - the application in medicine would be revolutionary. Eren Jaeger wasn’t just valuable from a military perspective, but also from a scientific one. You completely understood Hange’s excitement. 

You quickly scanned the rest of Eren’s body and saw that his other wounds had already healed. 

You looked between Hange and Levi. “So, he’s my primary patient during my time with the Scouts?”

Levi nodded once. Hange practically vibrated in excitement and you smiled at their reaction. You extended a hand towards Eren Jaeger. You gave him your name, “…and I will be your physician.”


	5. Salve for Stew

A carriage had been provided for your group to take you from the courthouse to wherever your next destination was supposed to be. When it had rolled up at the backdoor you practically groaned in relief. No further walking.

Hange and their companion Miche piled into the carriage along with you, Eren, and Levi. You had no idea of Erwin’s whereabouts. Hange tapped the top of the carriage twice and it started with a jolt.

You sat sandwiched between Eren and Miche, who kept sniffing for some reason.

“Allergies?” you had asked.

Miche merely grunted.

“Just a keen sense of smell,” Hange replied with a wide grin.

Levi and Hange had sat on the opposite side of the carriage. Levi avoided eye contact with everyone while Hange split most of their time staring wide-eyed between you and Eren. You could tell they were trying their damnedest to hold back an onslaught of interrogation.

You too were bursting with questions to ask Eren, but you had the decency to give the kid some space after the day he’s had. Besides, considering what’s been hinted at between Hange and Erwin, you knew you would have plenty of time in the future to ask him all the questions you wanted. When he was ready to answer, of course.

The setting sun peeked through the single window on the back of the carriage. It reflected off of Hange’s glasses and casted a halo glow around Levi. You held back a smile at the sight. An angel, alright, especially after that courtroom performance.

The sun dipped just below Wall Rose by the time you arrived at what looked to be a tavern, splashing the sky in deep hues of violet and red. “We’ll be spending the night here,” Levi said as your small group exited the carriage, one by one.

Miche offered his hand to you when you warily looked down. Transferring your bag to one hand you accepted his with thanks, jumping down from the carriage.

You stretched out your legs from the cramped space, grateful for the fresh air. You caught the pleasant hint of woodsmoke and stew wafting out from its chimney. Your stomach growled. You thought back to the sweet roll you had eaten so many hours ago. With the day having been so long and hot, the thought of a cool drink down your throat accompanying dinner sounded heavenly.

You approached the building. The only thing setting it apart from its identical neighbors was the weather-worn sign that swung on creaky hinges above the door. You squinted your eyes, trying to make out the painted words on it, but years of neglect made it impossible. It hardly provided reassurance of the quality of where you were to stay. At least good smells were coming from it?

Hange jumped from the carriage and stretched their hands above their head, sighing ruefully. “This is where we must take our leave.”

Eren blinked up at them. “Are you not staying with us?”

Hange grinned at him, resting their arm on his shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Eren Jaeger, I will return to you as soon as I can. I just have some matters I need to tend to first,” they said with a dramatic sigh. They departed, waving a hand over their shoulder with Miche by their side. “Believe me when I say I would much rather stay with you lot!”

“Oi! Levi!” a man’s voice called out. The door of the tavern slammed shut, prompting you and Eren looked over at the source. The approaching stranger had blonde hair that was tied back; the facial hair on his narrow, handsome face mere whiskers on his chin. He raised a hand in greeting. “I see you and Erwin were successful today. So this is Eren?” The man eyed Eren with suspicion, his expression and stance guarded.

Levi nodded once. “We need someone with him at all times until we arrive at headquarters tomorrow,” he said. “He cannot be without supervision, especially here.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” said another male voice as the door of the tavern opened again and out came a young man; his nose was round and his dark hair styled up. Behind him came two others around the same age, a woman and a man. “Take a short moment to rest before the journey tomorrow, Captain. I will handle things.”

“Don’t get overwhelmed by such a task now, Gunther,” said the last man to come out. He held himself in such a way that exuded self-importance. He strutted towards the group. He looked physically older than the rest, with an undercut styled similarly to Levi’s and a cravat around his neck. You supposed it to be a popular style with scouts. “I can always switch out with you should you need the help.” Oluo stopped before you and Eren. His eyes surveyed Eren from head to toe, and then did the same to you. He gave you both a superior look you assumed was supposed to be intimidating.

“I think Gunther can handle the task just fine on his own,” said the woman beside him, slight irritation etched onto her features. Her face was framed with blonde hair cut to the shoulders, her brown eyes soft and warm. They alighted when they beheld you.

“You’ll be with me!” she said enthusiastically. She took your arm and tugged you into the tavern, leaving behind the men outside. “I’m Petra. It can be dreadful being with this lot all the time. I mean, they’re fantastic teammates, don’t get me wrong! I wouldn’t want to work with anyone else, in fact. It’s just that…it’s different getting a new friend around here, you know? Someone who hasn’t been so heavily involved in the Scout Regiment.”

“You’re all a part of Levi’s team?” you asked. When you entered the tavern, it took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. She led you up a flight a stairs that creaked so badly you were afraid your foot was going to fall through one of the steps.

“Levi chose us all personally for the Special Operations Squad,” Petra said as she opened one of the doors that lined the dark hallway. The room itself was quite small with just enough space for two beds and a table pushed against the wall. It sat underneath a window, atop it an empty basin and a jug of water. “The blonde one with the facial hair is Eld. He’s Levi’s second-in-command. The goober who tries to pretend he’s just like Levi, that’s Oluo. He may get insufferable at times, but his abilities are impressive, so we tolerate him well enough.”

“And the one who’ll be watching Eren?” you asked, setting down your bag by the foot of the bed. “Gunther, was it?”

“Mhm!” Petra neatly lowered herself onto her bed, legs folded. “Gunther Shultz. He can be a very quiet man, like Eld. He’ll take his duty of watching Eren tonight very seriously.”

“Do you think Eren will try something?”

Petra shrugged. “Who knows. We’re unfamiliar with his ability, and we don’t know how unstable it is. Gunther will be able to ensure he doesn’t try anything funny.”

A troublesome thought snagged. “And if Eren were to transform while in the tavern?” 

“Well, provided we don’t get crushed by falling debris of the inn, we’re all more than capable of pacifying him. But, hopefully we won’t get to that point. We just need to make it the one night before we can depart for headquarters tomorrow. We’ll be better prepared there.”

“So why bring him to a tavern in the first place if he’s so volatile? Why not take him somewhere more secure for the night?”

“Well, our barracks in Trost are still being repaired from the damage it took several days ago, so that severely limited our options of where we could all reconvene before departing for our new headquarters. As for keeping Eren in a secure location, Oluo and Eld have made arrangements for that. He won’t actually be staying in the normal rooms here. There’s more to this place than you might think.” Petra looked towards the window stained with soot and grime. “It’s a dangerous gamble, I admit. It’s a first test for both us and Eren, I suppose; our ability to keep watch of him and Eren’s loyalty to us.” She gave you a friendly smile. “At least the stew they serve here is supposed to be really delicious?”

You still found it strange, that the higher ups would have allowed Eren to come to such a place. Why not go straight to these headquarters the captain had mentioned earlier? Speaking of…

“Levi had mentioned headquarters. Where is that located?”

“Old headquarters is stationed near Trost,” said Petra, leaning back onto her hands. “It’s a big, old dusty place these days, which is why it’ll be perfect for Eren. Hardly anyone goes there anymore and it’s big enough to contain Eren should he transform unexpectedly.”

“This is quite the job you’ve accepted,” you said, noting the nonchalant way she described everything. “You all seem so calm and sure of yourselves. I suppose that’s to be expected, though, considering Levi chose you all. With what I’ve heard in the past of his abilities, you lot must be something really special.”

A faint, pink blush graced Petra’s cheeks. “We are quite good at what we do. I like to think we’ve all gotten even better since joining Levi’s squadron. Getting to work alongside him and seeing his abilities, he’s just…he’s really something else.” Her cheeks flushed darker.

You raised a brow. “You two…?”

“Oh, no, no, no” Petra said awkwardly, waving a dismissive hand. “Nothing like that.” 

Clearly it _was_ something like that.

You reminded yourself that you came here to work. You were given an immense responsibility, one that left little time to interfere with the personal affairs of your new colleagues. Besides, you knew very little of their personalities and relationships, so who were you to judge what you knew nothing of?

“I’m excited to work with you,” said Petra sincerely. “Levi says that Hange desperately wanted the surgeon in Sina to help aid in the research of Eren. They also pitched that it would be smart to have someone so talented healing scouts right there on the field, so our mortality rates could possibly improve. So, if you’re here instead - his protégé, right? - you must be really something, huh?”

You suddenly realized how high their expectations were of you. Doubt roared in your head. You became self-conscious.

There was a knock on the door and you immediately became relieved, grateful for the interruption. Petra got up to receive whoever it was.

You heard Oluo’s voice. “Petra, I’m going down for tea if you would like to join,” he said. “Levi and Eld are downstairs. Gunther is already settled with Eren.”

Petra turned and gave you a smile. “Joining?”

“I will in a moment. I just need some time to wash up,” you replied. Your nerves from this morning came back in full force.

“We’ll see you down there then,” she said pleasantly, joining Oluo and closing the door behind herself.

You walked over to the washbasin and poured water into it. You splashed your face a few times.

You wondered what you could have possibly gotten yourself into. No, what Dr. Helfen had gotten you into. You didn’t know the first thing when it came to fighting Titans, and now here you were, expected to keep up with the greatest squadron in the entire Survey Corps? Granted, you doubted you would be expected to fight alongside them, considering your very apparent lack of training. But the expectations of you were even greater than you realized.

You stood staring at your reflection in the basin. Water dripped from your chin. 

You’ve lived a very comfortable life in Wall Sina. Titans had always been just a horror story. Even when Wall Maria and then Wall Rose were breached, you empathized with those who faced the horror, but you didn’t truly know it was actually like to face a Titan, to have your life destroyed in mere seconds.

You healed those who managed to make it to Dr. Helfen’s practice. You saw the effects of Titans on the victims that escaped, but never have you had to experience such ghastly conditions first hand. Whenever you passed a grieving soul on the street, someone full of such sorrow at the discovery that their loved one will never again return to them, did you truly understand their plight? 

And what about those who did manage to return?

You noticed that those you helped heal frequently questioned why they were the ones so lucky as to be given the gift of survival. Oh how burdensome such a gift could be. It seemed many viewed it as a curse, rather than a blessing. They would ask you questions you had no answers to, their eyes and hearts as vulnerable and open as the wounds on their bodies. Perhaps death would be preferable to this living hell, they would ponder. You often wondered if healing them physically was in actuality dooming them for an eternity of mental suffering.

You could always stitch up any physical wounds they may have, but you had no way to lift the guilt on the souls of those who survived.

These past few years, questioning defeat began finding its own way into Dr. Helfen’s heart and your own. There were days when there were so many wounded civilians and soldiers to tend to, but there simply wasn’t enough hands, supplies, time. Such overwhelming days would exhaust you physically and mentally. You had wondered how much longer this cycle could continue, how much longer of this you could take. How long was it until it was Wall Sina that’s breached; when you were forced to endure what the other districts have had to face and healing others would then become impossible.

But with this Eren Jaeger - the one Erwin and Levi seemed so confident would be such a great asset to the fight against Titans - he could be the change you all needed.

You decided you would trust the process, trust Levi, and trust Dr. Helfen. You would stay by your word to your mentor and try your best. You just needed confidence in yourself.

You were taught well, by the best university in Mitras and by the one man you trusted most in this world. You would have confidence in your knowledge and your abilities. If Dr. Helfen felt that you were ready for such an expedition, then you would trust his judgement. You would make him proud. Make yourself proud.

The sound of live music wafted its way into your room. Musicians must have just started playing in time for those sitting down for their suppers and evening drinks. You smoothed down your hair and took a deep breath. 

It all started with making a good impression with Levi and his squadron. You needed to gain their trust - something you suspected was incredibly valuable and essential. Which meant that absurd, fleeting moment of jealousy you felt - of discovering that Petra had a close relationship with the captain you found handsome and intriguing - would need to be pushed aside. Smothered deep down and locked away. Boundaries needed to be set and respected. A professional relationship was all to be had with these kinds of people. Realistically, it was all that could be had in this environment.

You straightened out your clothes and took one last deep breath. You desperately needed a drink. Something to wet your throat and calm down these returning nerves. You opened the door and the sounds of the music mixed with the conversations of those below grew louder. You went down the creaky stairs, finally ready to join those below.

The main room of the tavern had filled quickly to your surprise. With how worn everything was you wouldn’t have expected it to be such a popular place. Lit lanterns that hung against the walls and sat on various tables casted dark auburn glows across the room. Occasional bouts of laughter would punctuate the steady hum of the conversations in the filled tavern. Smoke from tobacco pipes made the room’s already dim atmosphere harder to see. You waved away the clouds as they wafted in front of your face.

You passed a table where a card game was taking place, random bits of money and jewelry tossed in the center. The cards they held were well worn and stained yellow. Your interest piqued. You never had much growing up, and the practice had never been all that profitable in terms of money. You wondered the rules, and if it would be possible if you could join - if you even had any money to gamble with in the first place.

Silverware clinked as people feasted. Mugs of ale slammed against tables, foam sloshing over the edge. The sight only served to make you thirstier.

You scanned over the heads of the filled tables and finally spotted Levi, Petra, Eld, and Oluo at the far side of the room at a table to themselves. You made your way towards them, carefully pushing past those already wobbly with drink. A drunk patron slammed into you and you lost your balance, pushing you into the back of a man at the bar. He turned and glared.

“Apologies,” you mumbled, straightening yourself.

Down the way you overheard a conversation occurring between one of the patrons and the woman who worked behind the bar - the owner, you assumed based on her age and the ease in which she traded from behind the counter. 

Her rounded cheeks were flushed red from the heat of work. Her dark hair pulled back from her face in a braid that was combed through with white. Behind her was a much younger woman who tended to a giant pot in the large hearth. _Ah ha_. The stew you had smelled when you first arrived. Your stomach grumbled, adding to your parched tongue. You wondered how you were going to pay for a drink and a meal. 

“Come now, Amelie, just one more pint, whaddya say?” the man before her slurred. He tilted forward, barely catching himself in time on the side of the bar.

“You’ve had quite enough, Kaspar,” she said sternly. “Now I’ve got others to tend to. If you cause more trouble tonight, you’re getting thrown out on your ass again! You can sleep in the stables for all I care.”

“You know that won’t keep me away, beautiful,” he giggled, then hiccuped. “You always let me back in.”

“I let your _coin_ back in, Kaspar, there’s a difference,” she retorted.

As you passed, the drunken man turned his head and gave you a sloppy grin.

You paused. “Hello,” you greeted uncertainly. You started to walk past him again.

He reached out and grabbed hold of your arm. 

“Now I haven’t seen you in here, before. Can I get your name, pretty- OW!”

The barmaid, Amelie, had taken a rolled up towel and smacked the man in the back of the head with it. “You let that nice person go right this instant, Kaspar. I will not have you harassing my clients! Out. Now.”

He released your arm and rubbed his head. “But, but…”

“Out,” she said sternly.

Kaspar slumped off the stool and sulked away, stumbling into tables and other patrons as he left.

“Annoying git,” said Amelie.

“I’m surprised he left willingly,” you commented as you watched the man trip over his own feet.

“Ahh, he’s an annoying bugger, but he listens. At least compared to some of the other regulars that like to come here. A firm hand and voice is all you need to get that man to leave when he’s sauced. But don’t let that scare you off. I don’t let nonsense like that happen in my tavern, no ma’am." She leaned against the wooden counter, hand on hip. “Let me get you a free drink, to make up for that lout’s behavior. What do you like?”

You didn’t even try to be polite and deny the offer. Your parched tongue and empty purse wouldn’t have allowed you to anyways. “Whatever it is you recommend. Just something that will quench my thirst and help resolve some nerves.”

She smirked and turned around to the shelves behind her. “It was a hot one today, wasn’t it?” She pulled down a bottle and slid it towards you. As you accepted it you couldn’t help but notice the skin of her hands covered in puckered bits of scar tissue.

“Thanks. Cheers,” you said with a smile. You tipped your head back and drank deeply from the bottle. The mead that greeted your tongue was sweetened with berries and spiced with cinnamon. You drank a little deeper, feeling a pleasant warmth bloom throughout your chest. You finished half the bottle by the time you lowered the glass from your lips.

“My, you were thirsty,” Amelie commented as she wiped clean an empty mug returned to her just a moment earlier. “Or very nervous? May I ask what about?”

_What the hell, might as well be honest._ “Not living up to the expectations of others and failing miserably,” you replied glumly.

“Yeah, that’ll do it to ya,” she said with a short laugh.

You eyed the woman’s hands again. “Do they cause you a lot of pain?” you asked, nodding towards her hands as you took another drink - a smaller, more polite sip this time.

“Always,” she answered. “Accident with the hearth’s fire that happened many years ago. Didn’t bother me as much until my fingers started to ache with aging.”

“I can help with that,” you said.

“For what price? I haven’t the money for-”

“Just one bowl of that stew,” you said, interrupting. “Let me soothe your hands in exchange for dinner.”

She raised a brow. “You’ve got fancy medicine or somethin’?”

“I do, but that hardly won’t work for you in the long run once you run out, will it? Or when certain supplies become further scarce.” You shook your head. “No, I will show you something you can make here that will help with the aches.” 

“Hmph, alright then. It’s a deal,” she said. The innkeep turned to the younger woman who was busy tending to the large pot of stew. “Oi! Tasha! You’re in charge now!”

“Yes, ma’am,” she said, right away wiping her hands on her apron as she abandoned her station to take care of those at the bar.

“Alright, then. Show me how it’s done,” said the innkeep.

You smiled, taking a deep drink from your bottle, savoring it one last time before putting it back down with a clink and joining her behind the counter. “Firstly, you have black tea leaves?” you asked. You went to the washing basin against the wall and pumped the lever of the water siphon. Grabbing the lye soap on the sink’s edge you scrubbed your hands clean.

“We do. The tin is still out from the man who just ordered it.” You followed the direction of Amelie’s eyes and it landed on Levi’s table with his team. In perfect timing, he lifted his cup and took a drink. He didn’t hold it by its handle, but rather from the top of the cup itself. You paused. What an odd way to hold a cup.

“Strange man,” she commented lamely as she gathered the tin of dried black tea leaves.

You tore your gaze from him to focus on the task at hand. You took one of the clean bowls and scooped several teaspoons of tea leaves into it. “I need vinegar, an egg, honey, and if you have it, lavender or rose oil.”

Amelie started pulling the ingredients from shelves. You added them one by one one, crushing and mixing them together with the leaves, pestle in hand.

“Tasha’s,” Amelie said as she placed down a tiny vial of lavender. “Says she likes to smell pretty for the customers. But I know she’s just sweet on one in particular.”

You smiled politely as you took the stopper from the lavender bottle and added only a few drops. “Give me your hands,” you said once you finished mixing.

Amelie obediently gave them over. You scooped the salve onto your fingers and began applying it to the innkeep’s hands, massaging it gently into her joints. You applied an extra layer where the skin had been burned badly and left behind thickened scar tissue.

She eyed you over as you tended to her hands. “You’ve got a sweet yourself?”

“No,” you replied. “My profession doesn’t allow the time.”

“Really? What a shame. You’ve got the touch.” She smirked. “Although that dark-haired man, the one who drinks that tea funny, he’s glanced over here a few times. It seems you’ve got _someone_ who’s sweet on you.”

“Huh?” You looked up, your hands stilling.

“I see _everything_ in this tavern, love. Nothing happens without me knowing.” She puffed out her chest in pride. “It’s my special talent, you see, reading people. I can sense the emotions and conversations happening in here at all times. And that group in particular, with their fancy scout uniforms and aloofness, you bet your ass I’ve been keeping an eye on them.” She clucked her tongue in disapproval. “That man better not have any wrong ideas. He may be a scout, but he’s got the look of trouble on him. And with the way that young woman hangs onto his every word, he’s going to break some hearts. I just know it.”

“Ma! That’s Captain Levi, don’t you know!” the younger woman, Tasha, interjected in a harsh whisper.

“Levi? From the Scouts?” said Amelie in shock, eyes popping open. She immediately strained her neck to get a better look at him. “Why, he’s much smaller in person than I imagined! Tasha, why didn’t you tell me sooner that was him?”

“I tried! When you were brewing the tea! But you told me to shut my gob and tend to the stew before it burned!”

“To think we’ve been so neglectful tending to their needs! Supper, straightaway for Levi and his team! The man needs more than just tea. Humanity’s greatest soldier needs food in him to stay strong! And to help him grow!” She pulled her hands from you and bustled about behind the bar. She took down a large bowl and ladled spoonfuls of the stew into it.

“He’s not a child, Ma!” Tasha groaned in embarrassment.

Tasha’s mother ignored her, tucking smaller bowls underneath her arm and hurriedly bringing it over to their table, the contents threatening to splash over the edges.

“Sorry about her, nosy old bat,” Tasha said to you with a sheepish smile. “She can be quite the force, sometimes. How quickly her tune changes about a person the moment she discovers they’re someone important. And her gossiping is a horrible habit. But I suppose there isn’t much in the way of other entertainment when you serve people all day. Only thing you can do is stick your nose in other people’s private affairs.”

You began scooping the salve contents from the mortar into an empty tin. You screwed on the lid tightly. You handed it to Tasha. “For your mother, when the pains in her joints get bad or if either of you get burns from the stove.”

She smiled and thanked you, ladling a bowl of the stew and handing it to you. “I overheard the deal you struck with Ma. Thank you for tending to her hands. I worry sometimes she overworks them.”

“It was my pleasure,” you replied, happily accepting the dinner. The warm broth trickled down your throat pleasantly as you sipped from the bowl.

“You know, she wasn’t wrong.”

“Hm?” you hummed, looking up from over the bowl.

“Ma. She wasn’t wrong. Captain Levi _has_ been looking over here,” Tasha said with a mischievous smile. “I got excited at first, thinking that I possibly had caught the great Levi’s attention. But then I realized when I moved to the other side of the bar, it wasn’t me he was looking at.”

You knew better than to think it was in any way like the way this woman and her mother implied. “I think you’ve got the wrong impression. I work for him. He’s ensuring I don’t cause any trouble,” you said. “Besides, I’ve only just met him, so I have yet to gain his trust.”

“Hmph. Regardless, don’t you want to at least _pretend_ he’s looking at you for a different reason? I know I would. He’s so fine.” She sighed dreamily. Those thoughts you promised yourself to keep down bubbled to the surface. You forced them back down.

“Most people think he’s ugly and frightening from all the stories I’ve heard,” you said coldly, tipping the bowl back and taking another sip of the stew. God it was good.

She gave you a look. “Do you agree with those stories?”

You glanced over at Levi’s table. Your eyes grazed down the slope of his straight nose, his hooded eyes, the line of his jaw, the cut of his dark hair. You smiled ruefully up at Tasha. “I don’t, no.”

She tilted her head. “It does seem that he’s already taken by that girl though. The blonde one, I mean. With the way she keeps looking at him, do you know if they’re-”

“I don’t. Like I said, I’ve only just met them,” you replied. You hurriedly spooned more of the stew into your mouth. Too soon, it scraped against the empty bottom of the bowl. 

“What is it you do for them?” Tasha asked as she took your emptied bowl and tossed it into a basin filled with other dirtied dishes. “You don’t wear their uniform.”

“I’m their physician,” you answered, not divulging any more details. You stood with a heavy sigh, taking your bottle of mead with you. “Well, thank you for the stew. It was delicious.”

“Thank you for the salve and conversation. It was a pleasure meeting you,” Tasha returned with a smile. She handed you a second bottle of mead before tending to a new patron who had just approached the bar.

You supposed it was finally time to face the source of your nerves. With a full stomach and quenched thirst, you had nothing left to fuel your procrastination. You made your way to their table, bottles of mead in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's perspective next chapter :3


	6. Black Tea and Honey Mead

The tavern’s main room had filled quickly with more people than Levi would have preferred. With each person that entered the establishment, his tension grew.

He had his full trust in Gunther to keep a close eye on the Titan boy for now. Though despite the reassurance of his squad member watching him, Levi felt wary. God forbid Eren transformed while they stayed here, destroying the place and everyone inside. Perhaps they should have ridden straight to headquarters after the trial instead of stopping here for the night. But riding that distance at night, with the unpredictability of Eren, had more variables than traveling at first light after the boy had rest. He sighed. Yes, he would feel more at ease once they departed the following day. Then once there, Eren would be more easily contained should he switch into his Titan form unexpectedly.

The aroma from his cup that wafted up soothed any nerves he was feeling. He took a sip from his tea. It had a dark and smoky flavor with faint notes of rose, cinnamon, and at the very end some sweet fruit…cherry? It was a good blend. Unexpected for a place like this.

Eld sat down adjacent to him with a heavy sigh. “The boy is settled in with Gunther below.”

“We just need to make it through the night then,” replied Levi, briefly scanning the faces of a new group of Garrison soldiers who entered. He immediately deemed them to be of no consequence. He returned to his tea.

“I thought you told Oluo to find a quiet place,” said Eld gruffly, ruefully looking around the increasingly packed room. He poured himself a cup of tea.

“I did,” said Levi, closing his eyes. His arm rested behind his chair.

Eld grunted. “Well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done about it now. As long as things stay quiet, there shouldn’t be any issues.”

“You should know better than to put that out into the universe, Eld,” said Petra, joining the table alongside Oluo.

Oluo threw himself into the chair beside Eld with a huff. “I thought I picked quite the perfect place.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “The cellar below is quite expansive. Smuggled alcohol needs a good hiding place with plenty of locks and security. It’ll be the best place for him tonight until we leave tomorrow. And it meets the conditions the higher ups set. I even checked it over myself before everyone arrived. That little brat down there has nowhere to go.”

That hardly provided reassurance to Levi. The boy was his responsibility. If something were to happen on the first night…

It was giving Levi a headache already.

“You do realize that could also be a detriment, right?” retorted Petra. “You know, considering that above him is still a large group of people.” She brought a cup of the tea to her mouth and sipped. She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know how you drink this black, Levi.”

Levi ignored her comment, favoring instead to take another sip.

When the others later parted for bed he would go to the cellar himself, he decided. He would relieve Gunther of his post and take over the watch for the remainder of the night. Allow Gunther to get the sleep that he knew wouldn’t come for himself tonight.

“No physician?” asked Eld, leaning back in his chair.

“She said she’d be coming down shortly. She needed a moment to herself,” replied Petra.

Ah, yes, the physician. Levi tapped his fingers on the table, looking down at the bronzed tea in his cup. He wondered what she thought about this whole situation, about his team. Considering her raised voice the other day at that Dr. Helfen’s practice, he knew she hadn’t been happy about it. But then earlier today…

An image of vibrant eyes appeared in his head. He thought of the way they had lit up - just like Hange’s had - at discovering Eren’s tooth had grown back. He quickly pushed the image out of his mind.

She had to be just as loose in the head as Hange, willingly dealing with the filth of people all day. Considering how partial Hange was towards the young doctor already, he had a feeling they would get along just fine. He didn’t know if that was a good thing. He could barely tolerate one Hange and to now possibly have two…

Hopefully they were level-headed enough to keep Hange in check when he wasn’t there to reel them back in. Not to mention Eren will need someone to keep him patched up after Hange has had their way with him.

“So what exactly are we even supposed to be doing with this Eren, hm? Train him like a dog?” drawled Oluo, tipping his chair onto its back legs.

“Not here,” said Eld sternly. “Too many open ears. People are already staring at us as it is.”

“I say let them. A little recognition for our work is always appreciated,” said Oluo, sniffing importantly.

“Ah, _there’s_ the reason why you chose this tavern instead of something quieter,” said Petra.

Oluo shrugged. “Two birds. What’s the harm in enjoying ourselves for one night before having the constant dreary work of babysitting some brat? We deserve to take a moment and enjoy what we ourselves are constantly trying to protect.”

Petra looked at him in surprise. 

Oluo returned the look. “What?”

“That was…very poetic of you, Oluo. I have to say I agree with you," she said.

A faint pink spread across his cheeks. “You do?”

She smiled and nodded. “I think it’s very easy to get caught up in the work that we do. I think taking time to slow down life and appreciate what we have around us can only serve to benefit us. After all, as a team it’s important to enjoy what time we do have together.” She looked towards Levi as she said this, eyes shining.

Oluo noticed and deflated, the front legs of his chair slamming back down to the floor. Levi merely refilled his teacup from the pot that had been left on the table.

Eld observed the scene in front of him. He cleared his throat. “It’s equally important to remember the reality of our situation. We’ve no room in our lives for such distractions. Let’s not get too caught up in sentiments that will only burden us in the end when we ultimately must abandon them.”

“Always the realist, Eld,” said Petra with an affectionate smile. Oluo grumbled something under his breath.

Levi thought of what they said. Appreciate what was around them? Appreciate the shit end of the stick life consistently shoved up their asses? Eld was right. Life always knew when things got too good, when emotions became unfurled and guards were lowered. Vulnerability wasn’t an option for them. Even if it meant just a single night in a tavern to enjoy company; it will always be just life teasing in front of your face what you can never have permanently. The moment you entertained the thought is the moment you damn yourself and those around you.

“Ah, there they are,” Oluo suddenly commented. Everyone followed his gaze to where their new physician descended down the stairs. “I’m surprised she’s decided to join us. I was nervous for a moment there that I might have been too intimidating. Might have scared her away from us.”

Levi watched as she came down the steps. He found her expression to be guarded and difficult to read. Without thinking, he glanced down at the dress that fit snug around her figure. Others in the tavern noticed her as well as she passed. Heads turned and mouths smirked. She ignored them all as she weaved through the tables - or was she merely oblivious to all the attention? He decided he didn’t care and took another sip of his tea.

“You really know how to pick ‘em, Levi,” said Oluo with a low whistle, his swagger from before all but diminished.

“We chose her because of her ability and at another’s recommendation,” replied Levi evenly.

Oluo’s eyes briefly flickered towards Petra before saying wistfully, “Oh! She looked this way. Eld, how do I look?” Oluo smoothed down his hair and fidgeted in his seat.

“Like a jackass,” said Eld lamely. “You will treat her with respect. She is our colleague now. She’s here for Eren and the wounded, not your entertainment.”

“Well, if I become wounded out there, _then_ she’ll be here for me.”

“Do not try and get wounded,” replied Eld with slight exasperation.

“I would never! Besides, I just wanted to make sure we put up a good front!” Oluo protested. “We need to instill confidence that we’re the best for this job. And that starts by looking well put together. Isn’t that right, Captain?”

“You do put up some very compelling arguments, Bozado,” replied Levi into his cup.

“Ha! See?!” said Oluo smugly, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair with an air of superiority.

“He was being facetious,” Petra mumbled, hand on chin.

Oluo deflated. Again.

Levi glanced back over at the physician who was passing by the main bar. It seemed she caught the attention of one of the drunks sitting there.

The man put his hand on her. Levi tensed. He sensed Eld and Oluo do the same. When the innkeep shooed the man away, they all relaxed.

Petra snorted. “I’ve never seen something like that before.”

“We hardly can have an altercation in this room,” said Eld, pouring himself another cup. “We need her. We can’t have something happen to either her or Eren before we’ve even departed for headquarters.”

“Yeah, what he said,” chirped in Oluo, clearing his throat and shifting in his seat.

Levi looked back over and saw the physician now stayed at the bar, conversing with the innkeep. The woman handed her a bottle and she drank deeply from it. His gaze went from her to those at the tables near the bar.

With all the wayward eyes hungrily glancing over at her from those in the tavern, he would feel better with her at their table. Eld was right, they could not afford to have something happen to her the first night in their care. He pondered if he should just get up and bring her over here himself. No, he could send Oluo to do that. The man would be eager for the job, anyways.

“Now what is she doing?” asked Oluo.

Everyone at the table looked over.

The physician was now on the other side of the bar mixing something together. She then started to massage whatever it was onto the innkeep’s hands.

“Her job,” said Eld. He let out a small sigh. “Oluo, you aren’t going to constantly keep updating us on every little thing she does, are you?”

Oluo lifted his hands in defense. “I’m only looking after her. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing?”

“She isn’t a child who needs constant supervision, either,” said Petra. “If there’s anyone we need to be keeping close tabs on it’s Eren, not his doctor.”

“Gunther is already doing that right now!” replied Oluo. “And there’s plenty of eyes between us that we can split the job between the two for right now. We don’t know anything about this physician. Why was Hange so adamant they get this one’s boss, hm? That Helfen fellow?” Oluo leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “There’s only one thing Hange loves in this world to the point of obsession. I bet you that Helfen knows things about Titans and that’s why they wanted him so bad. I say we interrogate her. Find out what she knows. Being the man’s study, she has to know something!”

“One problem. You have to be intimidating for interrogation,” said Petra. “You can try to be Levi all you want, but you’re as threatening as a barn kitten compared to him.”

Oluo sputtered. “I’ll have you know that I have interrogated many people! And all of them have yielded to me with trembling legs and soiled pants!”

“Oh yeah? Who?” Petra retorted in amusement, narrowing her eyes.

Levi closed his eyes in irritation. “That’s enough.”

Petra and Oluo’s bickering immediately ceased.

Despite everything, however, Oluo did have a point. When Hange had approached him and Erwin about recruiting the Sina surgeon, the look in their eyes took on that feral quality they always got whenever they were about to discover something new about Titans. While he knew Hange wanted Helfen to aid in Titan research, Levi had assumed it was due merely because of his qualifications…as a physician; that somehow his practice of medicine could be applied to Titans. Could it be that old man had other secret interests besides human patients? 

He thought back to the nervous, guilty look the man had when they first entered his back room. Levi sighed inwardly. He should have known better, considering it was Hange.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to question this new surgeon of theirs. If Hange thinks them capable of aiding them in their research, then perhaps they do know something about Eren and his ability.

“It has been brought to my attention that I have been the most neglectful host towards Captain Levi and his team!” The innkeep came barreling over to their table, a giant pot of stew in her hands and bowls tucked under her arm. She slammed the pot down in the middle of their table. “I thank you all for your incredible bravery, doing what you all do. It’s truly appreciated, your service. And so I bring to you free supper as a thank you! A hot meal to fill your bellies. Please, take as much as you want.” She turned towards Levi and pointed to him. “Especially you. Make sure you take seconds. There’s hope for you yet, I know it. Eat a few servings of my food and you’ll shoot right up!”

Eld choked on his tea. Levi glared up at her, unamused.

Petra awkwardly laughed. “Thank you! A hot meal sounds good right now. And it smells delicious!”

The innkeep beamed in reply.

“Amelie!” someone called from a nearby table.

“Excuse me, dears,” she said, patting Petra’s shoulder before hurrying off to tend to the patron.

Everyone hungrily ladled stew into the bowls. Petra pushed one in front of Levi and smiled. “You do need to eat, Levi.”

“Tch,” was all he replied, but still he picked up the bowl and sipped at the broth. They ate in silence.

“You scouts look so dour in here,” the physician said as she approached. She placed a bottle down onto the table with a muted thunk. “You’re in a tavern but you all look like you’re at a funeral.” 

Levi noticed she now smelled of tea leaves and lavender oil, likely from whatever she was doing from behind the counter. He was surprised to find he didn’t mind it.

She introduced herself to Eld and Oluo. The former merely nodded in greeting, while the later looked down his nose at her. “Look who finally decided to join us.”

She took the open seat beside Petra. “Apologies. I just needed a moment to collect myself.”

“Got scared working with us, eh?” drawled Oluo.

“Yes, in fact,” she answered, her face open and honest, its expression no longer difficult to read. The table became quiet. What made her guard lower from before, Levi wondered.

“Frightened of us or Titans?” asked Petra with an anxious laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

“Both,” she replied, taking a sip from her drink.

Oluo leaned forward and narrowed his eyes at her. “I know we can be quite intimidating, but why of us? Are you perhaps hiding something?”

“Pardon?” Bewilderment creased her features.

“Why is it that Hange wanted that surgeon you work with so badly, hm?”

“Oluo,” Eld interjected, warning in his tone. “That’s enough. She’s only just joined us. Not here.”

She looked around the table at his team. “What do you mean not here? What is it you think I’m hiding?”

Levi noticed panic replacing her confusion. He propped his cheek onto his fist. Interesting. He decided to merely watch this one play out instead of interfering. The music and raucous laughter of the drunks around them caused him no concern for curious ears.

“I just wonder why you’re truly here, that’s all,” said Oluo with a nonchalant shrug as he flourished his hand about.

She huffed out a disbelieving laugh. “You think I have ulterior motives for being here?” She shook her head. “I am here because I was offered the position. Although now I’m starting to doubt if that was a good decision of mine.”

“Don’t take personal offense. It’s our job to be overly cautious of who we trust,” said Eld.

“Well, you’re certainly doing a tremendous job of trying to gain mine,” she retorted coldly.

“Oluo just lacks the tact required to handle a new person,” said Petra, shooting Oluo a glare.

“I’m merely questioning why _you_ , out of _all_ other possibilities, were the one offered this new position,” said Oluo calmly, tipping his chair back.

The physician narrowed her eyes. “That would be a question for your captain, not me.”

Petra looked over at him. “Captain?”

“Erwin and Hange,” was all he said in explanation. It was true. He had no part in this idea of theirs. He had accompanied Erwin the other day per his request, that was it. Everything else was merely orders from Erwin.

“It is curious,” noted Petra delicately, “how you two caught the attention of Commander Erwin and Section Commander Hange.”

“We’ve treated many of your wounded,” she answered simply. “We’ve noticed oftentimes you scouts frequently run out of available hands to doctor your wounded, especially when an expedition results in absurdly high casualties. You don’t have enough medics, so your comrades are then referred to us.”

“So it is _only_ because of your doctoring they want you?” Oluo said suspiciously.

She raised a brow. “Considering that’s the only thing I have trained for, yes.”

“No prior military training?” Eld asked curiously. 

“None,” she replied. “Where your commander got the belief that I could keep up with you is beyond me, seeing as I have a very apparent lack of scouting experience.”

“Hmph. Eren, although a snot-nosed kid, is an important case,” began Oluo. “Entrusted wholly to us to keep watch of him. We have the experience to handle him.” He looked towards his team members. “So why sign on a physician who has zero experience when it comes to not only scouting, but also someone like Eren? That is unless they actually do and they’re hiding it from us.”

“I _am_ still sitting here, you know, ” she said, her temper began to rise just as it had in the practice the previous day. It didn’t take much to provoke it, Levi noticed. This woman wore more emotions on her face than anyone he knew. “You may question my military experience, Oluo, but do not doubt my abilities as a doctor.”

“So you’re saying you _do_ have experience doctoring those who can turn into Titans,” replied Oluo. “How many have you worked on then? Are there many?”

“None!” she said hotly. “Why is this such a point of contention with you?”

He threw up his hands in defense. “I just find the whole thing suspicious, that’s all.”

Petra interjected, “Oluo, I think that’s quite enough for tonight.”

“Oh, sure, take her side. I see, Petra.”

“Take _my_ side?” the physician said in disbelief. She suddenly stood, pushing her chair back. “Putting a stop to your barrage of questions since the moment I joined is hardly taking my side in all of this.”

“Sit down,” ordered Levi. “You’re causing a scene now.” Indeed those at the surrounding tables were starting to glance over.

Her hands balled into fists. “I will not.”

“Sit or leave, but do not continue on with this,” he said sharply.

“I am not a _dog_ , Captain. Do not speak to me as such,” she replied indignantly.

“That’s where you’re wrong. You are very much someone I can command, seeing as Erwin has put you in my charge,” said Levi. He kept his tone firm, hoping it put an end to this ridiculous behavior of hers.

Instead of sobering up as most did, she met his challenge.

His team sucked in a collective, quiet breath.

She leaned forward towards him, placing her hands on the table and bringing with them that smell of tea leaves and lavender. Her narrowed eyes burned with a fierce conviction. Levi met her gaze straight on. 

His heart lurched.

She was utterly beautiful.

 _No._  
_Shit._  
_Shit shit shit._

That thought needed to go at once. He promptly shoved it far, far away. He refocused on his current objective.

“You were the one who agreed to join,” Levi reminded her. “It’s time you understand the conditions that come with it. My team’s suspicions of you are only natural.”

“Well, then, let me make something perfectly clear now, Captain,” she began. “While I may be in collaboration with you and your team, I am _not_ a scout. While I may be under your protection, I will not follow every order thrown my way like a mutt.” She gestured towards the door. “When we get out there, in your territory with those bastard Titans, then I will take your opinion into consideration. But when it comes to _my_ work, the only order I follow is my own.” She straightened and addressed the whole table now. “And I will not just sit here and be interrogated as if I am some criminal rather than a professional. I _will_ demonstrate to you that I am perfectly capable of handling my job.”

She pushed off the table and stalked off, heading back to the stairs to the rooms above. Levi drummed a finger against the table as he watched her leave.

Eld shook his head. “Insolent.” 

Oluo frowned. He picked up the bottle of mead she had left for them, examining it curiously. He sniffed it, shrugged, then took a drink.

Levi finished off his own drink for the night, tilting his head back as the last of the dregs slipped from the cup. He placed it carefully next to his finished bowl of stew. He thought over what she said.

_We’ll see if that talk keeps up once they depart at first light._

For now, he had a post to relieve Gunther from.


	7. Sore Egos, Sore Asses

The good news was that Eren behaved himself the previous night.

The bad news was that you did not.

And so the ride the following morning was long.

Your head pulsed and the rays of the rising sun burned your eyes. The oppressive, muggy heat combined with the sway of the horse you rode certainly didn’t help the turning in your stomach either. You let out a long breath. What was even in that mead? You only had a single bottle of the stuff.

This is what happened when Dr. Helfen left you to your own devices.

The journey was made worse by the pair of eyes that bore into your back. Occasionally you’d get a reprieve when those eyes switched over to glaring at Eren instead, who rode beside you in silence.

When you had awoken that morning, you immediately replayed the previous night’s events in your head. So much for making a good first impression. You still stood by what you said to Levi, but you wondered if there had been a better way you could have gone about it. You didn’t want to cause issues between yourself and the Levi squad before you had even really begun, but you needed to set boundaries. You needed to make it clear to both him and his team your role in all of this.

Oluo spent most of the trip trying to intimidate Eren, which got old fast and only served to worsen the pulsing in your head. Based on the expression Petra wore, you could tell it was starting to grate on her as well.

Petra had returned to the room last night soon after you, slipping quietly into her bed without a word. When you had dressed for the day, she kept her back towards you and put on a fresh pair of clothes in silence. You wondered if she was offended on behalf of Levi. With the way she rode protectively beside him, you figured that was likely the case. Great.

A soft breeze pushed through the forest the group currently rode through, cooling your neck. The rustling of the leaves joined the soft morning chattering of the birds, giving you something pleasant to listen to other than Oluo’s constant prattling. At least you weren’t the only target for the squad’s suspicions. It seemed it was Eren’s turn this morning. You felt for him.

Eld pulled his horse up next to yours.

“When we arrive, you are to set up your own surgery space,” he informed you. He kept his gaze forward. “We are likely to have scouts coming and going frequently within the next few weeks as preparations for the next expedition are made. Between Eren’s training and other squadrons working in the area, it’ll be beneficial to have an official space for your patients.”

You nodded in agreement. Eld reached over and grabbed the reins that were in your hand, slowing you both down. The rest of the group pulled ahead. “We need to have a talk.”

You sighed. “About what I said last night? I still stand by it.”

“I’m sure you do,” Eld replied, returning his hand to his own reins. “I just need some reassurance.”

“Regarding…?”

You broke from the canopy of trees and he squinted his eyes against the bright sun. His blonde hair shone. “That if Captain Levi or one of us orders you to do something, you will comply without protest. While last night was minor, it demonstrated to us that you are unwilling to follow an order when the captain gave it to you.”

“So I am to follow blindly even if I take issue with it?”

“You will need to trust us that we know what we’re doing, for everyone’s best interest,” Eld replied. “When we get out there, where the Titans are, we need your assurance that you will work with us and that you will trust our judgment.”

In the distance appeared a grey castle, the slated tiles of its roofing blue. You could tell even from this far the years of neglect that had worn its way onto it. So this dilapidated old thing was their headquarters? You remembered Petra mentioning it was a big, dusty place. First the tavern and now this. Whatever worked, you supposed.

“As I told your captain, when we are out in the field then you may order me about,” you said. You thought back to the way Oluo had insinuated you were here for other hidden reasons - reasons you had juggled in your head all night; that you were somehow involved in some conspiracy regarding Eren’s ability.

You continued, “I took issue last night because I was interrogated as if I were some double agent or whatever it is you suspect me to be. I have come out here, with risk to my own life, to help _your_ comrades and to help figure out whatever this ability is of Eren’s. You will need to believe me when I say my motivation for being here is that simple.”

Eld shook his head once. “That will come in time. The circumstances are too suspicious, you must admit.”

“And thus so will my own trust in _your_ team come in time,” you rebutted. “I am not so foolish as to think I would be accepted into your ranks without some pushback. In many ways my position here is unearned, my presence a disruption to the team you have built together. I only wish to perform my duty for the greater good, regardless of what others may think of me. I hope you can realize that soon.”

“You will find that you aren’t the only one here with that same way of thinking,” said Eld. He gave you a soft expression, one you were surprised to see. “In which case, perhaps you’ll fit in here better than you think.” He paused a moment before speaking again. “May I ask something of you, as a first test to our tentative trust?”

You looked at him warily. “It depends on what you have in mind.”

He nodded as if confirming something to himself.

You pursed your lips. You realized your error. “Fine. What is it?”

“Fix the mistake you made last night with the captain,” he replied. “We’re a cohesive unit. With two new additions, tensions are high, especially with Eren. It’ll take time for everyone to trust one another, but for this group to work successfully, it’s something that’s necessary.” He released a long sigh. “Unfortunately, time is the one thing we don’t have much of to fool around with. So we need assurance of your reliability rather soon.”

“And what about me? How do I know I can really trust all of you?” you asked.

Eld glanced over at you. “Well, if you think about it, our captain has already extended an offering of faith towards you by accepting you under his watch, and by allowing you close contact with Eren. It’s time for you to do the same for him.”

You hardly thought it accepting if he did so only because of their commander’s orders. Regardless, you supposed it held true to some degree. After all, he hadn’t raised a stink about your joining - at least to your knowledge - which had to count for something. Even if he kept a close watch on you and Eren, you both were still here, being given a chance.

You sighed and looked towards the black-haired captain that rode ahead. “I understand.”

Eld let out a breath as if relieved. His face became kinder. “Good.”

“Just know that if one of you does something to deserve a thrashing, I won’t keep my mouth shut. Accountability is just as important within a team.” You dug your heels into the side of your horse and rode forward. You came up beside Levi. In front of you Oluo was fussing dramatically over his tongue, which he had apparently bitten during one of his intimidation attempts towards Eren.

Both of you kept your gaze forward. The sound of rattling reins and the snorting breaths of the horses filled the empty air between you. You were well aware of Petra on the other side of him.

You cleared your throat. “Many of the patients I tend to like to distract themselves by talking. Frequently they tell stories of ‘The Great Captain Levi’ and how courageous and skillful he is. ‘An unmatched force compared to the rest of the Survey Corps,’ they say.”

You paused, waiting for him to acknowledge you or what you said. You were greeted with silence. You looked over at him. Your eyes grazed his impassive profile and you found his expression difficult to read.

“Is there a point to this?” he said finally, keeping his attention forward.

You bit back a retort, reminding yourself of the goal of this conversation. You wouldn’t get stuck in the same trap as the previous night. You continued on with your original intention. “ _The point_ is that I know of you, Captain. While I can’t say for certain the validity of some of those stories, I figure there has to be truth in there somewhere. Either you really know what you’re doing out here or you just have a shitload of dumb luck.” You raised your chin slightly, swallowing your pride. “And so, I will rely on the former by trusting your judgment from now on, by trusting _you_ wholly. Whatever it is you need me to do, I will do it, for the sake of your team and for Eren. Just remember that I do this in good faith, Captain, to start this partnership off right between me and your team. My compliance for your protection.”

“What happened to that bravado from last night?” was all he replied.

You huffed in frustration. “Listen, I’m trying to be nice about this. I would like for you to acknowledge my offer, but if you want to keep being a bastard, then I take back everything I just said.”

His head turned to look at you. His face revealed nothing and your frustration grew. Did this man ever reveal what he was thinking?

“You act as if you’re being asked to abandon your independence," he said just as the group passed over a drawbridge that led into the castle's large bailey. "Just do your job, Doctor, and there won’t be any issues. Trust will come in time." Everyone stopped in front of a latticed gate that had rusted over the years.

You opened your mouth to reply but Gunther cut you off.

“Levi!” he called, drawing the captain’s attention away from you and towards himself. Levi smoothly dismounted his horse and made his way over to him.

Gunther dropped down from his own horse and entered into one of the barbicans by the gate with Levi.

“I heard what you said to the captain,” Petra said as your group waited for the gate to rise. “It’s appreciated, your offering of trust and compliance.” She gave you a small smile. “I hope you can forgive us for the way we pounced on you last night.”

You were taken slightly aback. “Should I not be the one asking for your forgiveness? For the way I spoke to your captain?”

She shrugged. “If you would like. I understand why you did it. I don’t think there could have been a positive outcome to the way Oluo steered that conversation.”

“Oi, Petra, I seem to recall you participating in that conversation!” Oluo called from in front.

The gate lifted, its sound a horrible grating on your ears.

“Stop wagging that tongue, Oluo, or you’ll just bite it again,” said Petra as everyone guided their horses into the headquarters’ bailey. “Actually, no, please do.”

The stables sat a short distance away, its state quite a pitiful sight. An unpleasant smell of stale, moldy hay wafted from it as you drew closer.

“We’ll need to get fresh hay quickly,” Eld said with a soft sigh as he dismounted.

Ass and thighs aching, you shakily slid off your horse, but not nearly as easily as everyone else had. You stumbled as you landed on your feet. You grabbed onto the saddle just as a strong hand caught your elbow, steadying you.

“Careful,” said Eld softly. “There isn’t anyone here who can fix _you_. Well, at least not nearly as well.” His hand lingered on your elbow. You glanced down at it. He promptly removed it when he noticed. He cleared his throat. “Excuse me,” he said before walking off to join the others.

You unstrapped your bag from the side of the saddle.

“Oi! Newbie! Doctor!”

You glanced over your shoulder and saw Oluo swaggering towards you.

“How’s that tongue of yours, soldier?” you asked as he approached. You still hadn’t completely forgiven him for his interrogation the night before.

“Fine, fine,” he said, waving a dismissive hand. He leaned in. You noticed that his cheeks burned with embarrassment despite his blasé attitude. He sniffed importantly. “You can treat anything?”

“I can treat most things,” you answered warily.

He nodded once. “Indeed?”

He made no further attempt to elaborate.

You raised a brow. “Is there something I can help you with, Oluo?”

He shifted awkwardly on his feet. “Well, uh…I’ve had this, um…” He cleared his throat. “I, uh, I’ve had this thing on my ass, you see. It’s quite uncomfortable, especially when I sit. I think it’s from the saddle.”

Petra snickered nearby and his flushed cheeks became redder. He lowered his voice further. “Would you mind taking a look at it when you get the chance?”

“No one wants to look at that thing,” Levi commented as he passed, guiding his horse into a stall.

Oluo choked on his embarrassment.

You held back your own hint of a smile. Despite your soured opinion of the man, you couldn’t turn him away. “I can evaluate your sores as soon as we’ve settled in,” you said, keeping your voice low for his sake.

He gave you a relieved smile, then lifted his head and sniffed importantly again. “I shall see you later, then,” he said, strolling off. You noted his walk was indeed a little stiff.

Petra came over and grasped the reins of your horse, taking over. “I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with such a thing.”

You gave her a small smile. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Well, all the more power to you for willingly accepting that task.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “I could say the same for you and your team.”

She smiled, her expression the warmest it had been towards you all morning. She resumed the task of getting your mount settled into the stables. You thanked her and patted the horse’s muzzle in farewell before leaving.

You made your way across the bailey where Levi, Gunther, and Eld had congregated before the main door of the castle’s keep.

As you approached, Levi didn’t even glance towards you as he said, “You have your first assignment, Doctor.”

“Tending to Oluo’s hindquarters?” you asked. Gunther shot you a funny look.

“That’ll be the second one,” Levi replied over his shoulder. “The first is helping us clean. Then you’ll have the pleasure of seeing such a sight.”

~~~~~

Levi’s standards of cleanliness bordered on insanity.

As someone who understood the value of a clean space and sterility due to years of medical training, even you thought the man was going a bit overboard. Why did a parlor room require the same pristine level of clean as a surgery?

Your lower back ached from scrubbing the parlor’s floors clean - for the second time now. When Levi walked by, pausing a moment to look in and inspect your work, he unhelpfully pointed out spots you still missed. You came very close to taking that white mask of his and suffocating him with it.

When he continued on his way, you dropped the handle of your mop and decided to take your frustrations out on the parlor’s giant rug instead. With Gunther’s help, you carried the old musty thing from the hall to the outside courtyard, hanging it up on a line that Petra had set up earlier. You found an old rug beater in one of the closets and whacked away at it, beating free the years of collected dust that had settled into it.

Gunther inspected your form from behind, hands on his hips. “You’re using too much arm.”

You turned to him, slightly out of breath. “As opposed to what?”

“You need to put your shoulder and back into it,” he said. “You’ll put more power into it that way.”

You took his advice and turned back towards the rug. Conscious of the muscles in your back and shoulder, you drew your arm back. The cloud of dust and dirt that broke free was the most you’d been able to beat out. You coughed, waving it away with your hand.

Gunther grunted in approval. You threw him a satisfied smile.

You found you rather enjoyed Gunther’s company. His quiet demeanor was a nice change of pace from Oluo’s constant yammering. And while you supposed he likely held you in the same suspicious regard as the others, he never was obvious about it. He kept his thoughts about you to himself, which you appreciated.

You heard Levi’s voice call out your name and you spotted him leaning in one of the courtyard’s doorways. He jerked his chin for you to follow, then stepped back inside. You followed, handing Gunther the rug beater as you passed.

You walked through the maze of hallways in silence, footsteps echoing, your curiosity kindled on where he could be bringing you. If he brought you back to that damn parlor room…

It was quite dark in the halls, the lit lanterns casting shadows of you both onto the walls as you passed. The stone walls were imposing, lending to the feeling of being entombed. You wanted to say something just to fill the air, but you found yourself lost for words. He hardly seemed like the type for small talk.

He finally stopped at a large wooden door. He pushed the heavy thing open and stood aside, allowing you to enter first.

You passed the threshold and were presented with quite the large room with different areas branching off. You immediately recognized it as an infirmary. One clearly unused in many years based on the neglect that showed itself everywhere. Light barely filtered in through the row of narrow cathedral windows that sat on the opposite wall.

In the center of the main room sat a large operating table, leather straps dangling from either side of it. The reddish-brown stains that covered it told you of its frequent use in the past. You briefly wondered what kind of surgery was last performed here.

Along one wall was shelving that ran from floor to ceiling, a ladder connected to wheels bolted to it. You gently pushed it along, marveling at the sheer number of labeled jars, vials, and supplies that sat on these shelves. In front of these shelves sat a large wooden table, a blocky thing that had been bolted to the floor. You ran a fingertip across its surface. It came back covered in a thick layer of grey dust.

You continued your walk-through, passing an alcove that you assumed doubled as a study based on the oak desk and bookshelves that were shoved into it. You then approached a water pump and lifted its handle once, then twice. Brown water spurted out in a pitiful amount. You left it be for now.

Two other rooms branched off from the main surgery. You pushed aside the curtain of the first area and found another operating table in this room. This one was at least void of any questionable stains. A scale and stadiometer were pushed against one of the walls, accompanying even more shelving of various medicines and supplies. Some sort of formal examination room, you guessed.

You entered the second area, this one containing a row of simple cots. The curtains placed between them were stained brown and moth-eaten. As you walked by, you couldn’t help but imagine a patient in each one. You conjured up various afflictions that could have occurred here and what the treatment for each one would be. You wondered how many lives ended in this room.

Something caught your eye peeking out from beneath one of the cot’s yellowed pillows. You walked over and found it to be a small pocket portrait that greeted you. It held the stoic face of a soldier, his hair neatly trimmed, the corner of his lips turned down. You flipped it over.

On the back was messy chicken scratch, its ink smudged on a few of the words. Squinting, you made out the words:

_'Keep me at your heart always. - R'_

You turned the tiny painting back over. The only splash of color that had been added to the black and white portrait was the eyes. The prettiest shade of green. You hummed in curiosity. You pocketed it and returned to the main part of the infirmary.

“Will it work?” Levi asked from the doorway.

You stopped before a giant, gaping hearth and saw the years of collected ash and soot that had settled onto its bottom. You turned and gave him a smile. “It’ll work.”

“Good,” was all he replied. “You’ll be responsible for everything in here. If there are any supplies you need, inform Eld. He’s putting in a list before the first of the supplies arrive.” He pushed off the door frame without another word and promptly took his leave.

You awkwardly remained there, staring at the empty doorway.

You sighed and turned around yourself, surveying your new surgery. You rolled up your sleeves and got to work.


	8. Poor Sinner's Blood

By sundown you managed to tidy up most of the infirmary. Cobwebs were dusted down, the floors swept and mopped, the moth-eaten curtains between beds replaced. The water siphon had taken several trips to the well outside for fresh water and many pumps of the rusted lever before you eventually got clean water to come out.

You scrubbed the main surgery table several times over but you just could not get the stains out. You briefly wondered if Levi knew of any tricks to get blood out of wood. You placed a clean sheet over it for the time being.

You flitted about, tackling area after area. Once everything was in a state you deemed acceptable, you set about the issue of inventory. Among restocking medical supplies, you wanted to start back up the antibiotic experiments you had been running with Helfen. You weren’t about to laze about waiting for the injured and sick. You would make productive use of your time and continue the other work you had left behind in Sina.

Going through the massive wall of various medicines is what took up most of your time. Half of them were unusable, you discovered to your immense disappointment. You managed to quickly fill two crates full of vials, jars, and tins that contained materials that had either clearly expired ages ago or were just plain useless to you. Based on some of the more stranger materials you had thrown away, this infirmary’s supplies hadn’t even been touched by the scouts when they had flipped it all those years ago.

You were currently making your way down one of the lower shelves. You picked up the next jar in line. You read the label aloud.

“Hanged Man’s Grease?”

God you hoped that was metaphorical.

You untwisted the lid and peered cautiously inside. You scooped a small amount onto the tips of your fingers and spread it around with your thumb. The texture was smooth and jelly-like, the color an off-putting beige. You wiped your hand off on your apron and placed the jar into the crate with the others. Not worth the chance.

Down the line you continued.

Once you finished with the shelves, only a quarter of what was there before remained. Combined with the small stock of supplies you had brought with you from Sina, you realized you really didn’t have much to work with considering the wide possibility of cases you could face in the coming days. You suddenly wished for Dr. Helfen’s healthy stock of medical supplies back home.

Most of Helfen’s inventory had been sponsored by the rich of Sina. With the fall of Maria, however, such sponsorships became scarcer as pockets were emptied for other resources. Despite medical supplies reaching their highest demand in years, priority was instead placed on food and the military. Helfen merely received whatever scraps of the interior’s budget was left. As such, your mentor became quite selective in the supplies he used on his patients while still trying to provide the best care possible for them. He frequently would reiterate to you the importance of being economical in these times.

“Don’t use the iodine when distilled alcohol could do just as well of a job in this case,” he would lecture.

Or,

“Willow bark or whisky for low priority wounds. Local anesthetic for severe wounds. Narcotics for life-threatening surgeries.”

Or,

“Antibiotic injections are only to be administered for those who are at high risk for developing sepsis.”

Your rarer supplies, and thus your most expensive, would go almost entirely to the Survey Corps. Anesthetic and narcotic pain control drugs were not easy to manufacture and yet nearly every case referred to you from the Scouts needed either one of the two. Of course, the military never compensated the practice for the free work done for their soldiers, despite Dr. Helfen’s inquiries.

It wasn’t reimbursement of the labor performed that Dr. Helfen asked for - that wasn’t the issue. You and Dr. Helfen would always happily doctor their wounded for free. No, the issue was inventory. If you and Dr. Helfen were to _continue_ doctoring for free, then you could not afford to keep up the restocking of supplies from your own pockets. Money would quickly run dry and then you would have nothing to help their wounded with. Your bare hands could only do so much.

And yet each of his requests for fair compensation was rejected.

With each returning expedition from the Scouts, however, it seemed people were suddenly able to find _some_ coin deep in their lint-filled pockets to throw at the practice. It seemed they didn’t like looking at the parade of bloodied and crippled each month, and so the upper-class would unburden any guilt they felt by tossing a coin or two your way. It wasn’t much, but at least then you were able to replenish your sucked-dry supplies and keep open for another day. Just barely.

You sighed. If an established practice struggled to keep up with inventory, how were you to do so here?

A sliver of hope opened in you.

Perhaps being in the military’s direct employ would work favorably for you, should you put in a request for certain supplies. After all, their new field surgeon is going to need a proper stock should they actually want you to make a difference.

You decided you needed to write down that list for Eld next.

And so you tackled the alcove’s desk, searching for a blank piece of paper and a pen. You rummaged through its drawers and tossed anything useless or illegible. It was then you came across a thick ledger, its pages yellowed and stiffened over the years. Leaning against the desk, you flipped through it. Various stains of blood and who knew what other fluids splattered randomly throughout.

You stopped on a random entry, the date smudged.

_Sadao from town came with his young ward with the complaint that she continuously suffers from random hysterical fits. I asked when the last of her courses were. The ward had answered less than a fortnight. It had seemed that her natural bloodletting was no longer efficient enough to cleanse the bad humors that built up and ailed her. Sadao spoke of his ward hitting her own head when she came into these fits, suggesting to me that this was where the build up of spoiled humors lay. I right away knew that trepanning would fix what ailed this poor girl. I shaved her hair and drilled four holes on the top of her skull, letting out the blood that contained her ailment. As the humors were released, another one of her fits came about. It seemed as though the bloodletting was not occurring fast enough. As such, I quickly drilled an additional two holes. As I was cranking the drill for the fourth hole, she thrashed about most horribly. The drill punctured too far through the skull and entered her brain. Her fit immediately ceased, nor did another one occur. The trepanning was a success. I have noted the area I punctured in the diagram below. I will remember this location should another arrive with similar symptoms._

_\- - -_

_Sadao returned today. He bore the news that his ward died overnight. Most unfortunate._

“Stupid codger,” you mumbled under your breath, flipping the page. How lucky you were to have stumbled across Dr. Helfen and not this horrifying physician.

“Interesting read?” said a voice from the doorway. You glanced up to see Eld standing there.

You returned your attention to the ledger.

“I suppose you could describe it as that,” you replied. You scanned a page detailing how fresh urine was prescribed to a patient complaining of a tender throat. He instructed the poor bastard to gargle it thrice daily in order to relieve himself of the pain and to make the swelling cease. You wrinkled your nose.

This would make for a great read for the captain should he ever get on your nerves.

Eld strolled over to crates that sat by the shelves. He picked up a jar at random and opened it.

“What is dirt supposed to help with?” he asked as he curiously looked inside.

You glanced up again from the book. “Not dirt. Ground human skull,” you said flatly.

Eld cringed and quickly screwed the lid back on. He carefully put it back into the crate. He read the label of the jar laying beside it, its contents dark and thick. “‘Poor Sinner’s Blood.' Did they really use these?”

“Apparently so,” you answered. You lifted the book in hand. “They also would put metal picks through your eye should you suffer from sleeplessness. That is if various amounts of poison didn’t knock you out first.”

Eld cringed again. “You don’t do any of that, right?”

You smiled. “No. These techniques are very outdated. Before even my mentor’s lifetime.”

He nodded and let out a breath as if relieved. “Good.” He turned and surveyed the now clean infirmary. “You got quite a bit done tonight.”

“I’m eager to return to work,” you replied, closing the ledger and placing it back onto the desk.

Eld lifted a brow. “That would require people here to get sick or injured. You’re eager for such?”

You gave him a look. “You know what I mean.”

He gave you a soft smile, one you were surprised to see. From the little interaction you’ve had with him, he was always so serious, especially when in front of the others. To see this side of him, so soon no less, caught you slightly off guard.

He rocked back onto his heels, glancing around. “Anything that I can help you with? It’s a big space, surely there’s more that needs to be done.”

You gestured towards the two crates filled with the discarded supplies. “Know of a good place we can dispose of those?”

“No, but I’m sure I can find one,” he said, lifting one of them into his arms. He left without another word. While he took care of that, you remembered your task before you had gotten distracted by that surgeon’s ledger. You ripped out a blank page from the back of the book and grabbed a pen whose ink took multiple tries before it finally flowed.

You wrote down your list.

When Eld returned to take the other crate away, you extended the paper out to him.

“Captain Levi told me you were in charge of taking care of the supplies here,” you said.

“This is quite the list,” he commented as he scanned the paper. “I’ll see what I can do. But I can’t guarantee everything on here. Some of these are scarce as it is.”

“Understandable,” you said. “Whatever I can get, I will be grateful for.”

Eld folded and slipped the paper into his jacket’s front pocket. He leaned over and picked up the second crate of tossed supplies just as Petra appeared in the doorway.

“Ah, there you two are!” she said pleasantly. “I’ve come to fetch you. We’re taking a break. Levi managed to find some tea in the kitchens. We’re just sitting down for it now.”

You politely declined, citing too much to do. Which was true. You had a long mental to-do list, and the sooner you finished setting up this infirmary, the sooner you could begin your real work. Petra and Eld understood and left you be.

Until you were able to get some of the things on that list, all you could do in the meantime was rummage and collect whatever you could in this decrepit castle. You remembered there being mentioned an overgrown garden somewhere on the premises earlier. You wondered if there was anything salvageable in there you could use to help replenish some of your pitiful stock. You glanced out one of the narrow windows set against the back wall.

It was becoming too dark for you to try and go out now, so exploring the garden would have to wait until daylight.

Hands on your hips, you scanned the shelves of what you had left, calculating what you needed and what you could use in this castle to supply it. What was something you were going to need the most of?

Bandages.

You definitely needed more bandages.

You suspected there would be plenty of unused sheets and cloth scattered throughout the many bedrooms. You could then fashion them into usable bandaging. You would also need to find a pair of shears so you could cut them into even strips before boiling them for sterility.

With your plan formed, you set off in search of what you needed.

Four flights of stairs, ten bedrooms, six linen closets, and one pair of shears found later, you returned to the infirmary and dumped your supplies onto the large table that had been bolted to the floor.

You had yet to sweep out the hearth and collect wood, so you decided you would go about sterilizing the strips tomorrow once you were able to get a fire kindled. Until then you would work on getting even, one-inch strips cut.

You picked up the shears and got busy.

Your mind drifted as your hands mindlessly worked. You thought of all that happened these last few days. How quickly everything was changing, how different your life was already becoming. Had Erwin and Levi not shown up at Helfen’s you would have been there now, closing up the practice for the night, perhaps sitting down to supper with him. You would be discussing the day’s cases or maybe the next steps of your research.

You felt a pang of sadness. Was Dr. Helfen eating alone now? You hoped he was managing okay by himself. You reminded yourself that he would be fine, that your mentor had managed by himself for many years before you. But he had been much younger then also, and he hadn’t been slowing down like he was now.

You hoped he wasn’t overworking himself. You hoped-

“What are you doing?” Levi said from behind you.

You jumped in surprise, the edge of one of the shears’ blades nicking the hand that held the sheet you were cutting.

“You scared the shit out of me,” you scolded, hurriedly taking the edge of the sheet and pressing it to your cut. “If you must know, I’m making bandages. You scouts tend to go through them like tissue paper.”

Levi entered and watched as you wrapped your bloodied hand with one of the strips you had cut. “Good thing that’s what you were making,” he commented lamely. You glared at him.

He stopped and looked around, clearly taking in the cleaning you accomplished today. He said nothing.

“How was tea?” you asked, just to have something fill the silence as you finished wrapping your hand.

“Hange arrived early,” he said as if that explained everything. You watched as he continued his rounds throughout the infirmary.

You huffed. “Does it meet your absurdly high standards?”

“It’s better than the parlor room,” was all he replied.

You shook your head in disbelief as you picked your shears back up and continued with your task of cutting inch-wide strips. Levi stopped nearby and leaned against the wall, propping his foot up and crossing his arms. He watched you intently.

Self-consciousness crept up the back of your neck. You paused your cutting. “Is there something I can help you with tonight, Captain?” you asked, raising a brow at him.

“You’re not going to set up those foul experiments in here too, are you?” he said.

You glanced down towards the box beside you on the floor that contained some of the supplies you needed to start back up said experiments. You pushed the box further behind the table with your foot. “…No.”

He looked away, observing whatever was happening outside through one of the narrow windows. “Tch. You’re almost as bad as Hange.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” you said, resuming your work.

Silence once again settled heavily onto the room. The only sound was your shears tearing through fabric. You wished he would say something more. Frustration began weaving its way into you. Trying to have an ongoing conversation with this man was like pulling teeth. There had to be _something_ he liked to talk about.

As you added another strip to your small pile of makeshift bandaging, you suddenly recalled the conversation that had occurred between those two women in the courtroom. You decided they weren’t all that far off with their assessment of him, after all.

However, it wasn’t his appearance that would be off-putting to any prospective partner of his, you thought to yourself. No, if anything, it was going to be his complete lack of social finesse. The man hardly talked. And when he did, nothing pleasant ever came out. It was insufferable.

With his focus still on the window, you took the opportunity to discreetly observe him as you sheared through another sheet.

He may have been physically small, but the air around him was charged differently. You had difficulty describing it. It was as if he took all the surrounding space for himself as compensation, making himself larger in the process. You scanned the sharp profile of his face and it reminded you of the other comment that woman had made in the courtroom. Your eyes dipped down to his mouth.

He glanced over at you from the corner of his eye. You hurriedly returned your focus to the job before you. You began cutting at double speed.

“How long did you work with that doctor?” he asked.

Relief flooded you. He didn’t notice.

Good.

The relief didn’t last long, though, as wariness quickly replaced it. You questioned his motivation for asking you such a question.

You then remembered the assurance you had made to Eld, and then to him. Compliance for protection. You owed the captain at least some honesty. Answering would make good on your earlier promise to comply, and it would demonstrate that you were in fact willing to work with him.

“Many years,” you answered. “He took me in when I was young. As soon as I came of age, I went to school for medicine. During that time, I would occasionally work with him whenever he guest lectured or demonstrated surgery at university. Once I graduated, I returned to his practice immediately. It was the same year Wall Maria was breached. I worked beside him every day since.”

“What you learned in Mitras, does that only apply to humans?” Levi said.

“Are you asking if we learned Titan medicine, Captain?” you retorted, regaled.

He waited for a real answer from you. You realized he was being serious.

You gave him an amused look. “No, I did not learn how to stitch up Titan skin or pull a bad tooth should they have one. Not my department of study.”

“Was it a department of study?”

“Oh, for certain,” you replied. “Only problem is that it was all theoretical, so their progress was always reliably slow. It was an area more for the thinkers rather than the doers. You can’t easily transport a Titan into Mitras from outside the Walls for them to study, can you? Nor would they be able to join you scouts on an expedition to claim one; too dangerous. No, they spent their time pouring over books and writing hypothesis after hypothesis. ‘We’re so close to a breakthrough!’ they would say. Problem was that they were always close to a breakthrough. They never actually got anywhere significant - at least while I was there.” You sniffed, thinking back on your time there. “I wonder if they’ve managed to make some progress since I last visited, considering all that’s happened these last few years.”

“Were you ever interested in what they studied?” he said, pulling you from your thoughts.

So _this_ is what it took to get this man to have a conversation? An interrogation? Of course it would be. You hardly could complain: beggars can’t be choosers, after all.

You shrugged. “I suppose. No more than the average person. I cared more about people rather than the Titans. Still do. Although this Eren of yours does pique my interest quite a bit, likely others too. Hange won’t be the only one having a field day with him.”

“So Eren is the first you’ve heard of a human having this ability?”

You looked at him warily. “You picking up where Oluo left off? What are you implying?”

“I’m just seeing what you know,” he said smoothly, his face neutral.

You sighed. “Yes, he is the first. Why, do you think there are others?”

Levi didn’t answer. He just continued to look at you with that quiet intensity that caused heat to travel up your neck. “Did Arthur Helfen have any unusual interests outside of treating humans?”

“Let’s see.” You ticked them off on each finger as you listed. “He loved puzzles, was surprisingly knowledgeable about bugs, and he had this strange obsession with paddleball despite never having played it.

Levi blinked at you, unamused.

“I know what you’re getting at, Captain,” you said to him, a smirk playing on your lips. “The experiments performed in our free time are unrelated to Titans. I’d be happy to tell you more about them sometime. Though something tells me you wouldn’t care to hear about such.”

Levi ignored your comment in favor of continuing on with his questioning. “Was Helfen ever in collaboration with Grisha Jaeger?”

You stilled. Realization washed over you.

Jaeger.

Did the man have a son? Yes, you believed so. You vaguely recalled the physician mentioning having a son shortly after the Shiganshina epidemic. So it wasn’t merely a coincidence of last names then.

Was Dr. Jaeger aware of Eren’s ability then? He had to have been. To think otherwise would be ignorant.

Could that have been the source of all those past arguments between him and Dr. Helfen then? What about their frequent late nights outside of the practice - doing something that always seemed to cause Helfen such stress and anxiety whenever he returned. Then there was Helfen’s strange expression when that Garrison soldier described Eren…

You had always assumed their differences lied in the way they practiced medicine. Were they not seeing eye to eye because of something else?

You remembered a late night many years ago. You were lying in your bed in that little back room of the practice, wide awake. You had tucked yourself into bed hours before but sleep had never come. You had rolled onto your side, watching as your mentor frowned down at the papers in front of him on his desk. He had returned only a half-hour before, the candle on his desk almost completely burned through. His hair had less grey then. He took off his bifocals and rubbed at his tired eyes. It had been another long night spent out with Dr. Jaeger. He let out a long, heavy breath.

He noticed you were awake and smiled tiredly at you. “Can’t sleep, little bones?”

“Neither can you, big bones,” you noted back.

“Indeed. So what’s your diagnosis?”

“Stress,” you promptly answered.

“Treatment?”

You smiled. “Food.”

He laughed, pushing back his chair and opening one of the drawers of his desk. He pulled out a slab of chocolate wrapped in brown paper. You sat up as he joined you on the edge of your bed, snapping two pieces off and handing you one.

You happily accepted it. Helfen watched as you devoured the piece, his own remained uneaten. His smile turned somber. “Promise me something, little bones?”

You blinked up at him. “Mhm?”

“Promise me that when you treat patients, you do it because it’s simply the right thing to do.”

Confusion had flitted across your features. “Why else would I do it?”

He paused, thinking over his answer. “Well, there are some physicians out there that would never take a case if it did not also benefit themselves in the process,” he had answered. You hadn’t understood what he meant at the time.

Levi noticed your expression of realization and pressed further. “Do you know what they worked on?”

“They worked closely during the time of the Shiganshina epidemic,” you said. “Dr. Helfen had allowed me to help collect some of the data from their experiments. I was too young to understand what I was gathering, though. I just followed his instructions.”

“You don’t remember any strange conversations they might have had then?”

You shook your head once. “No.”

“Did they ever work together after the epidemic?”

You opened your mouth to answer, but then hesitated. You closed it.

It was the wrong thing to do.

Levi pushed off the wall and stalked towards you. For the first time, you felt intimidated being in front of him. He stopped quite close, leaning across the table. His grey eyes were darker than usual. He smelled of clove soap and tea mixed with the silver polish he had used earlier that day. “Answer me.”

You thought of the way he had beat Eren during his trial. You swallowed, avoiding his gaze. “Yes. They did.”

“Do you know what they worked on?”

You shook your head again. “Helfen always kept those cases to himself. Anything he worked on with Grisha Jaeger was performed outside of the practice.”

“Where?”

You didn’t respond.

“ _Where_?” he repeated, his tone a deadly quiet.

“They never strayed outside of Wall Sina,” you answered. “When Dr. Jaeger traveled to work in our district, he was always around for a few days; the journey being as long as it was.”

“What was their relationship like?”

“They fought frequently.”

“Why?”

“Differences in opinion,” was all you answered.

“Which was?”

“I don’t know.”

Levi’s jaw twitched in irritation. “I don’t believe you.”

You met his stare this time. “I’m telling you the truth. When Helfen and Jaeger argued, I always had assumed it was fueled by differences in the way they treated patients, added onto the fact Dr. Jaeger had claimed all the credit for himself with the epidemic. If it had anything to do with Titans or anything else, I am unaware.”

“Was Eren ever discussed between them?”

“If they did, it was never in front of me,” you replied. You sighed, having quite enough of this interrogation. You stepped away from the table and made to pass him. “It’s getting late, Captain. We can continue this conversation at another t-”

Levi’s hand snapped out and grabbed your wrist, preventing you from leaving. You kept your gaze forward, your body coiling tightly at his touch.

“What’s in the cellar of Dr. Jaeger’s home?” he asked quietly, the dark tone in his voice demanding submission and compliance. You immediately took back any previous comments about his stature.

“I don’t know,” you answered.

“Does Helfen know what’s in the cellar?”

“I don’t know,” you repeated. You suddenly imagined Helfen being arrested and tortured by the military for information. With loyalty to your mentor, you said, “I swear to you, we’ve no involvement with Titans. You have to believe me.”

Levi sighed and backed off, leaning back against the table and crossing his arms. “I don’t. Why else would Hange want your old man?”

“Because he’s an excellent physician?” you replied, annoyance sparking through you. “I know you work closely with Commander Erwin, Captain, but not everyone has an ulterior motive in this life. Some of us just want to help others, plain and simple. There’s no conspiracy with me or Dr. Helfen. The only people who know what Dr. Jaeger and his son were involved in, are Dr. Jaeger and Eren. And seeing as one of them is now missing, you’ve only one option left.”

“Eren doesn’t know,” Levi said, frustration and irritation evident in his tone.

“Then I guess that’s the answer to your question. You’ll have to go there and find out for yourself. Are we done here now?”

“I suppose we are,” he said with finality, pushing off the table and heading for the door.

“Have a good night, Captain,” you said, a bit harsher than you intended.

“Likewise,” Levi replied as he left without a second glance.


	9. Hange, Helfen, and Hypotheses

Levi knew she was lying.

Or at the very least, she was willfully ignorant of the suspicious behavior of those around her.

Which instead of making her a liar, made her stupid.

That didn’t seem right, though. He had this feeling, somewhere in him, that told him she wasn’t stupid.

That she knew exactly what she was doing.

Liar it was, then.

And so as Levi walked through the lantern-lit corridors, boots echoing against stone, he thought of all the different ways he could extract the truth from her.

He decided on the simplest of options.

Time.

And patience.

Levi trusted Erwin implicitly. And if Erwin wanted Helfen or his protégé to be a part of whatever scheme he had in mind, then Levi would go along with it for now. He knew he would find out the truth, eventually.

She would begin working with Eren and Hange soon. He would observe how she behaved around them, what information she shared with his team.

And if that failed, if too much time was being taken, if his patience began running low, then he’d force it out of her. For the greater good.

Levi stepped into his quarters, closing the door behind him quietly.

But first, he had a more pressing issue to resolve. He needed to figure out the most effective way to incapacitate the brat in the cellar.

Levi sat in the armchair placed by the fire, legs crossed and chin propped onto his hand. He turned his thoughts towards Eren.

~~~~~

You wished you could open the few windows of the infirmary. But, of course, the damn things wouldn’t budge despite your attempts. The early morning air had felt wonderful when you were outside earlier gathering from an old stockpile of chopped wood, and having a breeze blow through would have helped dissipate some of the dank, stale air that had been trapped in this place for years.

You dropped your small pile of wood into the iron log holder by the hearth.

You swept out the soot that had accumulated at the bottom of the hearth and then carefully stacked the wood and kindling inside it. You lit a match and tossed it onto the kindling. Taking the bellow that hung beside the hearth, you puffed air into the meager flames until you got a healthy roar. You hooked a kettle of water onto the iron bar and swung it over the flames to boil.

A voice cleared itself by the threshold of the surgery.

“Is now a good time?” said Oluo, nervously peering in. He gestured with a thumb over his shoulder. “I can always come back at a later time if you’d prefer…?”

“No, please, now is fine. I’ll take a look at those sores,” you said, dusting your hands together as you stood.

Oluo swallowed and nodded, then came in.

“You can just go to that table,” you said as you went over to the deep washing basin, jerking your chin towards the main operating table. You scrubbed your hands clean with the bar of soap you had stolen from one of the bathing rooms.

Oluo stopped by the table which was still covered by the sheet you had placed there earlier.

You shook your hands dry as you joined him. “Alright, let me see.”

He just stood there, staring at the table.

“It’s not like it’s surgery, no need to be nervous,” you reassured him. “It’ll just make it easier for me to see.”

He just nodded in response.

You raised a brow. ”You’re going to need to drop your trousers, soldier.”

“Right, right. Of course.” He didn’t move.

You realized his hesitance. You spun around, putting your back to him. The sound of unbuckling and the rustling of clothing filled the air. You heard him clamber up onto the table.

“Am I good to look now?” you asked.

“No! Not yet!” he said quickly. He adjusted himself on the table, getting comfortable, you assumed. “Okay. Go ahead.”

You approached the table and looked down at the bare hindquarters before you. Oluo’s chin rested behind his folded arms, covering most of his face. Red bloomed across his forehead and the tops of his cheeks. You noticed his embarrassment.

“Saddle sores are very common,” you reassured him, examining the site. Most of it was minor damage, but one area in particular had chafed so badly that the damage had led to an abscess. You gently poked it and Oluo winced in pain. “This giving you the most trouble?” you asked.

“It makes me feel like a kid again after my father gave me a strappin’,” mumbled Oluo into his arms.

Having assessed the area, you then gathered what you needed. “You get into trouble often as a child?” You took the kettle that hung above the small fire and carefully filled a hot water bottle. You pushed the stopper into its top as you returned to the table. You wrapped a clean cloth around it and placed it over Oluo’s backside.

“Oh, I was a little fiend for my parents,” he said. He sighed at the warmth.

“What sorts of things would you do?” You pulled out your small box of instruments and pushed back the cover. You selected one of the scalpels and refined the blade’s edge with a whetstone.

Oluo looked over at hearing the sound, apprehension stamped on his face. He quickly hid his face again behind his arms. “Well, there was the time when a group of scouts had returned from an expedition. That was back when Keith Shadis was still commander, long before Erwin. I ditched my lessons to be a part of the crowd on the streets to greet them from their return.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” you said as you brought the blade over a candle’s flame.

“Well, it wasn’t until I threw stale bread at them and yelled that they had killed my sister,” he replied.

“Ah, well, that would certainly do it, then.” You slid the hot water bottle down to reveal the abscess. You sterilized the area with the solution of antiseptic betadine you had brought. It was the only bottle you had brought and you realized you were likely to need much, much more in the coming days.

It was a good thing you had put it on the list given to Eld, but you didn’t know how easy it would be to get with the current supply shortages across the districts. You were glad you had written distilled alcohol right below it, just in case. You figured you were much more likely to get that than the betadine. But who knew, maybe luck just might favor your cause.

Once properly prepped and with a steady hand, you made a small incision on the top of the raised bit of skin with your scalpel. Oluo sucked in a breath.

“Your sister was a part of the Regiment?” you said, continuing with your conversation to distract him. You took a pair of hemostats and broke apart the small pockets of pus inside. You carefully expressed the exudate, draining the abscess of its contents.

Oluo grunted. “For a few years. That is until she never returned. We never discovered how it was she went. Whether she was eaten or smashed or lost. No one knows.”

“It sounds to me you were completely justified in your anger, then.”

“I wish my parents felt the same. First my mam walloped me behind the ear for wasting food, then pops got the belt for being disrespectful. I screamed at them for not being more upset with the whole thing. I realized years later my father had put all of his grief into every snap of that belt, while my mother put hers into the pillow with tears.”

“So what made you want to join the Scouts?” You filled a syringe with the sterile solution and cleaned out the tiny crater that now graced Oluo’s ass.

“I guess it was the same anger and hatred for them that pushed me to join, if that makes sense. I suppose I enlisted in the beginning to prove a point, to make a difference where they failed to. I did it for my sister, striving to be the best fighter they’ve ever had.” He lifted his head and gloated, “I’ve got the best numbers here, you know.”

“Even better than Levi?”

“Well…no.”

“So you don’t have the best numbers.”

He sulked, grumbling incoherently into the table. You caught Levi’s name mentioned somewhere in there.

“I’m only teasing,” you said with a small smile. “Your numbers are indeed quite impressive. What was it again I heard, thirty kills?”

“Thirty-nine,” he corrected.

“Ah, that’s right. Impressive, indeed, Mr. Bozado. The work you and your team accomplish is truly admirable and humbling. You put all others above yourselves, sacrificing your own humanity so others may keep theirs. It takes a special kind of soul to take on that kind of work. So thank you.”

“Oh…well, you’re welcome,” Oluo said, his face turning red again, but this time for a different reason. After a moment of silence he spoke again. “I, uh, wish to apologize for the way I spoke to you that first night. Petra was right. I hadn’t gone about it the right way.“

You packed the emptied pocket with a tiny piece of gauze from your personal supplies. You applied a bandage over it. “Apology accepted. If it makes you feel any better, your captain seemed to agree with your thinking.”

“He did?”

You nodded. “Last night he visited me and picked up right where you left off.”

“He didn’t tell us that,” Oluo said.

“Probably because there was nothing to tell,” you replied. “So I hope that helps reassure you that there isn’t any conspiracy to my joining.” You cleaned up your mess of supplies. “The abscess wasn’t that deep. You’re good to remove the packing tomorrow. Everything will heal on its own in a few days. I suggest placing a new bandage over it until it’s closed, to help protect it when you’re back in the saddle. As for the remainder of your sores…”

You gently smeared a soothing salve over the broken bits of skin. The smell of mint filled the air as it provided a cooling relief for his tender skin.

“You have a nice touch,” he mumbled, his face aflame.

You grinned. “Not saying that because I’m touching your rear now, are you?”

“…No.”

You laughed. “You’re free to go, soldier. Try not to ride too hard.”

You moved so your back faced him again, giving him privacy to get up. You wiped your hands on your smock and grabbed the black book Dr. Helfen had given to you. You flipped it open to the very first blank page.

You put pen to paper, pausing. Your very first case to record working for the Scouts…

…And it was saddle sores on Oluo’s ass.

Exciting and rewarding, indeed. You sighed and began to write.

The doors to the surgery suddenly slammed open. A scout stood at its threshold, panting as he attempted to catch his breath. “We’ve got urgent new- Oh, God, put it away, Bozado!”

Oluo jumped up and down as he hurriedly pulled his white trousers back up, quickly buckling the leather straps around his legs and waist. “What’s the news?” he asked, fingers working at the buckles.

“Sawney and Bean have been killed. You’re to join Levi and the others to investigate immediately. They’re waiting below. Hange has already left.”

“Who’s Sawney and Bean?” you asked curiously.

“Hange’s babies,” Oluo answered unhelpfully as he rushed out the door.

“Remember not to ride too hard!” you called after him. You had no idea if he heard you.

The scout looked between you and where Oluo was just a moment before. “So, what were you two, uh…?

You raised a brow at him. “Don’t you have murders to attend to?” you said.

“Right, right,” he said, shaking his head as if to clear it. He ran off.

You looked out one of the narrow windows down at the bailey below and watched as the squad mounted their horses, Eren included, and rode off.

You finished writing your entry.

~~~~~

“I wish you could have met them,” Hange said sadly later that night at tea. They sniffled, wiping their nose on their sleeve. “I was so excited to share with you my methods and what I had planned. It was something we were supposed to collaborate on together. I had high hopes that you would be able to see a piece of the puzzle I was missing. But now they’re gone! Murdered in cold blood!” Tears filled the brim of their eyes.

When Oluo had mentioned that Sawney and Bean were Hange’s babies, Titans were not what you had envisioned. You supposed it made some sense, considering Hange’s personality. You patted their shoulder in sympathy, unsure of how to console someone over the death of a Titan.

“It’ll be okay. There’s plenty of Titans out there. I’m sure the captain can go out and catch you another one, right?” you said, looking over at said captain who sat at the head of the table.

“I will not,” Levi said, not even bothering to look up from his tea.

“Well, then, why don’t you tell me about them?” you said to Hange with a friendly smile. “I find keeping someone’s memory alive helps with grief.”

“You don’t want to do that,” warned Oluo.

Gunther and Eld merely sighed and stood from the table. “Second night in a row,” Gunther grumbled to his friend as they left.

All the others filed out of the room after them. You watched them go in confusion.

“Did you know that Titans have vocal cords?” asked Hange, pulling your attention back to them. “And yet they don’t use them? At least not for complex speech. They can make sounds. But whether or not those sounds have significant meaning has yet to be studied.” They looked down at their hands. “I wonder if they cried out when they were murdered.”

“I didn’t know that,” you said. “Then again, I’ve never heard a Titan before. I haven’t even seen one.”

Hange looked up in surprise and confusion. “You haven’t?”

“I’ve been tucked away in the interior all these years. Sheltered from the horror, you could say,” you said. “I’ve heard stories, seen drawings, but that’s about it.”

Hange’s eyes scanned your face as if studying you. “You’ve aided Dr. Helfen in his research, correct?” they said. “Your name is on the published papers, are they not?”

You struggled to understand the sudden change in subject. “It is on a few of them,” you replied, curious where they were going with this. “He’s published quite a bit on a wide range of subjects. I’ve only helped with a few.”

They continued to study you intently for a hushed moment. This quiet, subdued version of Hange made you uneasy. What happened to the jovial person from the other day?

Hange hummed once, then leaned forward, placing their elbows on the table. “Tell me about Dr. Helfen. What’s it like working with him? The man publishes so much, he must constantly be working.”

You nodded, a soft smile on your lips. “Constantly. And even when I got him to rest, his mind always seemed to be whirring away in that brain of his. His whole life has been devoted to medicine. I don’t even think he has a family, as far as I’m aware. It’s just been me.”

“So you’ve spent quite a bit of time with him, then?” they asked.

“Practically my whole life,” you answered. “He took me in when I was younger. He’s taught me everything he knows.”

Hange lifted a brow above their thick frames. “Everything?”

“Most things,” you corrected. “I admit there’s still quite a bit left I have to learn.”

“Indeed?” said Hange, silence drifting down onto the conversation.

You weren’t quite sure how to reply. You fidgeted uncomfortably in your seat. Was Hange hinting at the same suspicions everyone else seemed to have about you and your mentor? Where were these suspicions even coming from?

“What’s your current research with Dr. Helfen?” Hange asked, breaking the silence.

“We’re studying the response of common bacterial strains to different treatments,” you answered. “We’re attempting to create a more effective antibiotic than what’s currently available.”

“Are current treatments not effective then?” Hange asked, propping their cheek on their fist.

“No, they are. It’s just that they’re entirely dependent on the ailment,” you replied. “Not to mention, we find that once a person is given an antibiotic, the less effective it becomes should they be given it again. So we need a wider variety of options.”

“Truly amazing,” Hange commented sincerely. “Tell me more about his work. How did you even get to such a point in research?”

You pulled over Gunther’s cup of abandoned tea, porcelain scraping against wood. “Well, Dr. Helfen discovered that everyone has their own personalized defense against sicknesses. He called it the immune system,” you said. “And what your immune system is like is based on a plethora of factors: family, location, health issues. In the very first paper he published, he studied that those from Wall Maria contracted certain diseases that those in Wall Rose do not - and vice versa.”

“Yes! I remember reading that paper!” interrupted Hange. “The first of its kind!”

You smiled in response. “In his next paper, he sought to figure out how such illness spread. He dubbed whatever caused these infectious diseases pathogens. These tiny little things you can’t see with the naked eye, but incredibly powerful. He concluded that contact with someone’s bodily fluids that had these pathogens is what caused illness. Years later, he would add airborne pathogens and contaminated water to the list. Hence why he encourages coughs to be covered up and water to be boiled for sterility.” You picked up Gunther’s teacup as you paused in speech.

“Dr. Helfen traveled frequently across the walls for his research, treating the injured and ill to pay for his expenses. Along the way, he came across another physician who taught him how to culture what she discovered as bacteria. Naturally, Dr. Helfen was ecstatic about finally being able to see the pathogens he had been studying blindly for so many years. What’s strange though, is that the physician who had taught him about bacteria disappeared just a few days after he had met her. Helfen never heard from her again and he suspects the name that she had given was a fake. He had asked around and no one had even heard of her. Didn’t matter much though, as he now had a new, revolutionary tool in his kit.

“Years later, he came to conclude that you can improve your own immune defense by exposing yourself to illness, to these bacteria. In small doses, of course.” You took a sip from Gunther’s tea in demonstration. Hange watched you with rapt attention. “You wouldn’t want to catch a life-threatening disease on purpose just to improve your chances should you get it again. Regardless, he observed that the body learned to recognize past illnesses and such recognition could even be passed onto someone’s child. But there were still two issues he needed to work on: The first was preventing the spreading of pathogens in the first place, and the second, helping to cure someone of a disease should they get it.

“For the first, he discovered several different ways to prevent the spread of pathogens: boiling water, exposing instruments to high temperatures before using them, and using either distilled alcohol or betadine on surgery sites or wounds. He adopted such methods into his practice of medicine when treating his patients. He noticed a significant decrease in those who ended up succumbing to fever due to his surgeries. Because of this, many other physicians have now adopted his techniques. Medicine because of him has gotten much safer.

“As for the second issue, that one he resolved with Grisha Jaeger.” You sighed. “As much as I didn’t like that man, Dr. Jaeger was a genius in his field. He brought along the concept of antibodies, tiny little things in your blood that recognize pathogens. It was a beautiful fit to Helfen’s theory of pathogens and immunization. And so between him and Helfen, they developed antibiotics that were able to fight against basic diseases, paving the way in medicine inside the Walls in the 30s. Their work in both antibodies and antibiotics was truly revolutionary.

“And so, ever since their collaboration, Dr. Helfen has been trying to develop better antibiotics so we may have more varied options of treatment. As time goes on, the antibiotics we do have are less and less effective.” You finished off the rest of Gunther’s tea.

Hange’s face held a wicked grin. “The wee buggers are learning aren’t they?”

You couldn’t help but return the smile. “That’s what our current research suggests, yes.”

Hange leaned forward. “And where do you get the bacteria for your testing?”

“A variety of sources,” you said. “The best samples have come from our patients. But when we experience a lack of sick or wounded, then we visit the Underground. The place is ripe with samples. We scrape infected wounds, we swab it from the noses of people with fever, we ask people to spit into jars. We then culture it back in our little lab of the practice.”

You leaned forward closer to Hange, nose inches from theirs, your excitement growing. “However, the absolute best sources are from the miniature outbreaks that occur all the time throughout the districts. There have been numerous cases of unknown pathogens that seemingly appear in random locations. Before it fell, most of these small outbreaks occurred in the outer wall. But now, they all occur within Wall Rose or the Underground of Sina. All established treatments - herbal, surgical, medicinal, you name it - are completely ineffective against such small outbreaks. Even our very few antibiotic treatments, useless. All except for one.”

Hange’s eyes sparkled behind their frames.

“The Shiganshina cure has been the best at reducing such cases,” you said excitedly. “It’s not the most effective, but it’s the best we’ve got and it’s what we’re using as a basis for the development of our newest treatments.”

“That’s the sickness Dr. Jaeger cured, is it not?”

You nodded. “Dr. Jaeger had always been strangely possessive over that cure. Perhaps it was because it was his home district, but he had taken all the credit for himself when really it was Dr. Helfen who did most of the tedious research for that cure.”

“Helfen aided Jaeger in that development?” Hange asked, surprised. “I don’t remember reading any published work by Helfen on the Shiganshina epidemic.”

“Because there isn’t any,” you said. “It was one of the many arguments I’d overheard in my mentor’s practice. Grisha Jaeger forbade Dr. Helfen to submit our findings to the university in Mitras for publishing.”

“Why is that?”

You shrugged. “Who knows for certain. I was too young at the time to really understand what I was doing in that research. Helfen just instructed me to mix certain things together and record numbers. I’ve thought about it over the years, though. My best guess is that the source of the cure is something illegal, maybe even from outside of the Walls. It had to have been something only he had access to, seeing as when he disappeared so did our supply of the antibodies. Helfen and I must be careful with how much we use. We’ve only so much left.”

“Helfen must know what that main source is, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to develop the cure’s serum,” said Hange thoughtfully.

“He likely does, but he refuses to tell me,” you replied. “Believe me, I’ve tried to pry it out of him over the years. His tight lips just further add to my suspicion that it’s something illegal."

“But it’s something he does not have access to, is it? Otherwise, you’d be able to simply make more,” said Hange.

You nodded. “That or he fears being caught.” You paused briefly before adding, “I would like to reiterate that Dr. Helfen and I have done nothing illegal. I understand how this all sounds and I’m well aware you must have the ear of Commander Erwin.”

Hange lifted their right hand. “On my honor.” They then gestured their hand towards you. “Please continue.”

You took a breath. “That serum is such a valuable contribution to our field. All I know of its composition is that it’s an antibody-antibiotic conjugate. Dr. Helfen always explained it as arming a trained soldier with the sharpest sword.” You looked down into your empty cup. “We desperately need more. We cannot replicate the cure in our little lab, but I suspect a body could do it for us. We need a body whose own immune system can still recognize the Shiganshina strain on its own, replicating the antibodies and their effect over the years in those who recovered. Hence why we would like the blood of someone from Shiganshina, preferably if they had caught the disease and then been treated with the cure. Dr. Helfen and I believe this is our best source to develop more effective treatments before we run out of our current supply. It’s just been difficult finding authentic sources seeing as, well…”

“Most people died that day,” finished Hange.

You nodded. “And those that _did_ manage to escape are very difficult to find. Nearly impossible.”

A smile tugged on the corner of Hange’s lips. “I know of one who just might have what you need. And he’s already here.”

Realization flooded you. “Eren!” you exclaimed. Hange grinned.

You scolded yourself for not seeing it at first. It was so obvious! Your eyes alighted with excitement as all the possibilities came rushing in. You quickly did some simple math in your head. “He wouldn’t have been alive during the epidemic,” you thought aloud, “But he likely would have given the serum to his wife before she became pregnant with him.“

“Helfen said immunity can be passed down to progeny, right?” Hange pointed out.

You nodded. “Even if he doesn’t have the same antibodies used in the Shiganshina cure, they _must_ still be different regardless due to his Titan ability! It’ll still be a great first step in studying his rapid wound regeneration! At the very least we might be able to learn something studying how his blood differs from normal humans.”

Hange’s hands snatched out and grabbed yours in excitement, squeezing tight. “There would be a connection with the immune response and wound regeneration, then?” they said, practically vibrating in delight.

You grinned at their reaction. “Likely. Dr. Helfen believes your immune system is activated every time you’re injured, to prevent any kind of infection occurring through the wound itself. Kinda like a shield wall in battle.”

“Ohhh! This could also be the next step in figuring out why they can only be killed by the nape of their neck!” Hange exclaimed. They squeezed your hands even tighter. “What will you need from him for your experiment?! We’ll get started right away!”

“Blood, preferably,” you answered. “I can easily draw a sample of blood from him.”

Hange shook their head, releasing your hands. “It might be too risky. We might set him off to transform and it wouldn’t be good if you were so close to him. The only thing he knows is that it’s set off by injury.” They drummed a finger against the table.

“Injury, really?” What an interesting trigger, you thought. You would think over the implications later. “Even by just a needle? Such a tiny poke?”

Hange shrugged. “Anything’s possible when it comes to Eren. A needle piercing his skin might just set him off, no matter how big it is.”

You leaned back in your chair, biting your lip. You thought it over. “Saliva might work just as well, I suppose.” You shook your head. “If we are to extend this to your Titan research, we’re going to need normal Titan samples as well. In which case, blood is going to be our best bet. We’ll need it for our sample size. Eren against human against Titans.”

Hange sucked on a tooth in thought. “Don’t forget there are different sized Titans as well.”

“We’ll just have to take what we can get then,” you said simply. You gave them a small smile. “I suppose it’s now your turn. Tell me about your research. Tell me everything you know about Titans.”

The blinding grin that graced Hange’s face rivaled that of the sun on a beautiful day.

~~~~~

It was quite late by the time you and Hange separated for the evening. Much too late to try and find Eren to talk to him and possibly get a sample. Considering everything Hange had told you, the boy deserved as much rest as he could get. Any kind of experimentation could wait. His health came first.

You walked through the maze of halls, trying your best to remember how to get back to the quarters that were attached to the infirmary. It certainly didn’t help that your head was quite full of all the information Hange had unloaded into it. Your brain worked frantically to sort through all of it.

How fascinating those foul Titans were! Considering their significant impact, you were surprised that more people hadn’t researched them as extensively as Hange has. Was fear more potent than curiosity when it came to Titans then? Considering all the terrible stories you had heard about them, that was more than likely the case. Or perhaps Titans were just that much of a greater force when matched against humans. It just seemed curious to you that it had taken this long to finally get someone like Hange around to study them.

After all, they had taken the time to develop their ODM gear to fight them, but nothing to study their existence? Wasn’t it always best to know thy enemy?

You shook your head. Something wasn’t adding up right here. The lack of progress learning about Titans concerned you and it hinted at something more. Something was certainly amiss, especially with the murder of the two Titans Hange had been studying. You just had no idea what.

As you walked by one of the rooms, you noticed a light flickering from underneath the crack of the door. You paused.

Who would be up at such an absurd hour?

You stood there, debating whether or not you should knock and disturb whoever was inside. If they were up so late, perhaps they needed aid in something. Or maybe they struggled to sleep. You could always mix something up to help with fitfulness.

But if they were in a bad state of mind, perhaps being disturbed at such a late hour would only serve to make things worse.

You raised your fist to knock, then lowered it.

Best not to disturb. If they wished for help, then they would approach you, especially if it was a matter of their health.

The door suddenly swung open, startling you.

You gasped, jumping back. You placed a hand on your chest, feeling the guilty, rapid beats thundering beneath. Levi stood on the other side, hand still on the door’s handle.

“Can I help you?” he asked. He didn’t sound the least bit interested in helping.

“That’s the second time you’ve done that to me now, Captain. Quit it,” you said, narrowing your eyes and willing that damn heart to slow down. It only picked up in speed.

He barely raised a brow. “You were the one hanging around outside my door, being a creep.”

“I didn’t know it was you in there,” you said hotly, straightening out your clothes as something to do with your hands.

“Does that make a difference? Is this something you do with other people?”

“No!” You felt your cheeks warm. Damn this man!

He crossed his arms, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. You couldn’t tell if he was irritated or bored. “Well? Is there something I can help you with?”

“No,” you said, calmer this time. “I simply noticed that there was a light still burning and I wondered whether someone needed help. It’s just unusual for someone to be awake at this time. I was concerned, that’s all.”

“You’re awake at this hour,” he noted lamely.

Touché. “Yes, well, I’ve just finished up with Hange. I was returning to my quarters.”

Levi glanced down the hall. “You’re going the wrong way.”

You huffed once. “Then be helpful and point me in the right direction.”

He jerked his chin back the way you had come. “Take the stairs at the end and go down two flights. That’ll take you to the courtyard. You’ll find your way from there.”

“Thank you,” you said ruefully. As you turned to leave, you hesitated. “Are you always up this late?” you asked. You noticed he was still in his uniform, boots and jacket and all. The only thing missing was his ODM gear.

“Yes. Goodnight,” was all he said in reply, closing the door.

“I can mix you something to help with sleeplessness!” you called from the other side of the door. There was no response.

You sighed. That was the last time you were going to offer to do something nice for him, you thought sourly as you doubled back the way you came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just wanted to thank y'all for your kudos and kind words of encouragement. It really means a lot! The really positive support for this fic has been amazing, so thank you! ^.^
> 
> This fic has also been an exercise in blending modern medicine with the limitations of Paradis Island and I hope I'm doing it justice. Exciting surgeries and ailments coming soon!
> 
> Also, I apologize if this chapter was too sciencey! I promise there is a pay off to all of it in the future!


	10. Watchful Eyes

Despite having retired to bed quite late, you found your eyes opening right at dawn. You rolled over in your bed, burrowing yourself back under the covers in an attempt to catch that tiny thread of sleep that drifted away from you. It slipped teasingly away from your grasp. The lumpy straw mattress beneath you became increasingly more uncomfortable and the threadbare pillow rubbed against your cheek. You sighed and tossed back the blankets. It would be better to ready yourself for the day instead of just lying there in discomfort.

As you dressed, you made the decision to venture out to the castle’s garden before the heat of the day had the chance to settle over. There had to be something salvageable in there that you could use to help restock some of the inventory. Considering the numerous jars that had once rested on the infirmary’s shelves, you figured the garden must have sourced at least some of its supplies.

And so you found yourself picking your way through the overgrown garden just as the sun began its creeping ascent past the Walls, casting the sky in brilliant hues of orange and violet. Mist wrapped around your ankles with every step. Dew dripped from leaves. Thorny plants snagged on your clothes and scratched at your skin as if they were angry you had entered their domain. You kept your eyes trained on the ground, wary of any animals that might have made a home in the shelter of the overgrown vegetation.

When Gunther found you a few short hours later, you had been kneeling in the wet soil of the disarrayed garden, dirt caking both the knees of your trousers and the palms of your hands. A book laid open beside you, a thick tome entitled _Wall Rose Flora and their Properties_ , borrowed from the castle’s modest library. You had been picking through the overgrown weeds that had taken over, trying your best to identify what was _supposed_ to be there. A basket you had stolen from the kitchens sat beside the book, its bottom already covered with the various plants you had managed to scavenge. According to your book, the petals, leaves, or roots of what you had collected would likely provide some use to you in the coming days. Valerian for stress and sleep, celandine for upset bowels, St. John’s wort for wounds and anxiety, and monkshood for fever, pain, and slowing of the heart were just some of what you had pulled.

When you heard the sound of footsteps, you looked up to find Gunther on the garden’s edge, his elbows resting on the rusted gate. “I saw you from the window,” he said. “You’ve been up for a while?”

You bookmarked your place in the encyclopedia with a fallen leaf. “Since dawn,” you said, standing and hooking the handle of the basket onto the crook of your elbow. You dusted your hands together, then slowly made your way back towards the gate, vegetation crunching underfoot.

“Find anything good in there?” he asked as you approached.

“I think so,” you answered. “I’ve worked with a few of these plants before, but not all. They’ll be good to have on hand, though.”

“I didn’t mean to pull you from your work,” Gunther said as he opened the gate for you. You passed through with a murmured thanks. “I just came down to see if you needed help.” He followed behind you as you made your way back to the castle’s main keep.

You smiled over your shoulder. “No worries. It’s starting to get hot anyway, and I got what I needed.”

“Well, that’s good then,” was all he said in return.

The draftiness of the keep’s stone walls helped cool your neck once you stepped back inside. You walked the halls with Gunther in companionable silence. It was nothing like the tense awkwardness you had felt with Levi the other day when he had shown you to the infirmary, and then when he had visited to question you later that night. No, if anything, you found Gunther’s silence to be rather comforting and stoic. There was no pressure to fill the air with idle talk with him, nor did he feel overbearing - despite your suspicion of him keeping an eye on you per a certain captain.

When you turned the corner of one of the halls, you found Eld leaning against the threshold of a door leading out to the bailey. His arms were crossed and his attention was on something outside. He looked over when he heard you and Gunther approach.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Morning,” you returned, peeking past him curiously. You saw Eren at the nearby stables, feeding the horses their breakfast.

“Captain Levi left him in my charge for the morning,” he explained.

“You make it sound like you’re babysitting a child,” you commented.

“We technically are,” Gunther said from behind you.

You looked up at Eld. “Any news from Hange?” They had left the headquarters after you had finished your conversation the previous night, stating they needed to return to Commander Erwin. Hange had also promised they would send news the moment they heard anything regarding the deaths of their Titans.

Eld shook his head. “Nothing. We’re no closer to discovering the culprit of the murders. Inspection of ODM gear came up empty.”

You saw stress lined between his brows. You looked behind yourself and saw the same expression on Gunther. Clearly they shared your suspicions that there was a malicious force behind those deaths, rather than just someone acting from a sense of duty or ignorance. Someone didn’t want Hange studying those Titans, and to see the supposedly best team of all the Scouts stressed and worried, it certainly didn’t bode well for the current state of affairs.

You suddenly became intensely curious of what Captain Levi thought of all this. You wondered if it would be in your place to ask for his opinion. Surely not, though. If his team was clueless, then perhaps Levi didn’t know much more, or simply wasn’t in a position to tell them. You thought of how the captain had accompanied Commander Erwin for Eren’s trial. Considering his rank, Levi had to be close with Erwin, at least professionally. It certainly wouldn’t surprise you to learn that the commander shared what details he did know to the captain. In which case, Levi would then be purposefully keeping information away from his team.

The benefit that would provide, you had no idea.

You hardly knew how the politics of the Survey Corps worked, and you didn’t want to discover them by putting your nose where it didn’t belong. You would keep your mouth shut for now, and let the people who knew what they were doing do their jobs. And you would do yours.

“Hot tea!” you said, smiling. They both looked down at you. “Doctor’s orders. I even found valerian root this morning. It’ll help, I promise.” You lifted the basket on your arm.

Eld returned the smile. “Tea sounds nice.”

“I’ll take one,” said Gunther as he gently brushed past you both. “Oi! Eren! You want tea?”

Eren looked over in surprise, clearly pulled away from whatever thoughts were buzzing around in his head. “Oh. No. Thank you.” He picked up a bucket and walked to the well to fill it.

“I’ll be back then,” you said, turning to leave. Eld merely nodded in response.

When you pushed open the oversized, heavy door of the kitchens, you were greeted by Oluo who was already there. He stood at the large hearth, wooden spoon in hand as he stirred a pot of what looked to be very bland mush. A burning smell was coming from it.

“All we have,” he explained quietly as you joined him, looking woefully down at the disappointing breakfast.

“Better than nothing?” you said, putting a kettle of water onto the iron rung beside it to boil. You peeked down into the pot. It did look quite…unappetizing.

“‘Suppose,” he mumbled.

“How’s the bum?” you asked as you washed your hands. You pulled the valerian root from your basket and began preparing it for the tea.

Pink speckled the tops of his cheeks. “Better,” was all he said.

“Good. If you need more of the salve, I’d be happy to give it to you.”

“You won’t make me drop my trousers again, will you?” he said, swinging the porridge back over the fire.

Your lips twitched upwards. “No. You would be able to apply it yourself.”

“Well, in that case…maybe I will,” he said.

Once the tea finished steeping, you poured three mugs, leaving one for Oluo before returning to Gunther and Eld in the bailey. Gunther grunted his thanks while Eld gave you a shy smile as he took his. A stomach rumbled loudly, but you weren’t sure whose.

You gave them an exasperated sigh. “You should have told me before you were hungry. I was _just_ in the kitchens. I could have brought you two something to eat as well.”

“Sorry,” they both mumbled into their mugs.

You shook your head and stepped back inside. “I hope you don’t mind burnt porridge.”

As you entered the kitchens for the second time, you chewed on the thought of why you had volunteered to even get their breakfast. One of them easily could have gone and gotten it for themselves. But as you pulled down two bowls from the shelves and ladled Oluo’s pathetic porridge into them, you came to a realization that made you pause. Were you already starting to care for these people not as a doctor, but as their friend? You just may have been. You couldn’t help but smile softly at the thought. You were curious if they felt the same about you; if they were getting over their initial wariness and were starting to trust you. You hoped so.

“Don’t take all of it for yourself now,” said Oluo, sipping from the tea you had given him and pulling you from your thoughts. He now sat at one of the long tables, his own bowl of breakfast half-eaten in front of him.

You grabbed a third bowl for Eren and filled it just in case he was hungry as well. “As tempted as I may be, I think I can find it in me to share,” you replied. Thinking of Eren reminded you of your conversation with Hange and the plans you had drawn up. Now would be a good time to get that saliva sample from him.

After you found a tray and placed the bowls of porridge onto it, you then rummaged through one of the kitchen’s chests in search of something you could use to collect his spit. You found an empty, clean vial towards the bottom. Perfect.

You pocketed the vial and picked up the tray before heading back up the stairs from the kitchens.

Just as you reached the top landing, you heard the sound of approaching hoofbeats through a nearby open window. You curiously looked outside just in time to see Captain Levi ride in. He stopped before Eld and Gunther and called for attention. Eren ran over to him.

You blinked in surprise. You hadn’t even realized the captain had left. You figured he was just doing whatever it was he did around here while Eld watched him.

Did he not get any sleep at all the previous night then? He certainly didn’t look any more tired than he usually did, at least from this distance.

You turned back around and descended the stairs once more to the kitchens. If he had departed before dawn, he was likely to be hungry, as well. You suspected he didn’t eat anything on his way out.

“Geez, woman, how many more times are you going to come back?” drawled Oluo from his seat, mug still in hand, the bowl before him just as full as it was before.

“I just can’t seem to get enough of your wonderful personality,” you said as you spooned another serving of the porridge from the pot into a bowl. You pulled down another one of the mugs from the shelf and filled it with the tea you had brewed.

“There is such a thing as too much of a good thing!” Oluo warned.

You couldn’t help but laugh as you left once again. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Tray a bit heavier now, you carefully made your way back outside. But when you reached the threshold of the door leading out to the bailey, you stopped dead.

The area had been completely deserted. You looked towards the stables and noticed three fewer horses poking their heads out of the stable.

You looked down at your feet and saw two mugs of half-drunk tea abandoned on the steps.

“You have got to be kidding me,” you said. You sighed heavily, balancing the tray with one hand as you leaned over and picked up the mugs left behind. You placed them carefully onto the tray before stepping back inside.

You returned to the kitchens for the fourth time.

~~~~~

The day passed quickly.

Petra had departed shortly after Levi and the others had, explaining she had been invited to attend the initiation of Training Corps cadets into the Survey Corps. Hange apparently would be there as well.

“I’ll be returning tomorrow with the new recruits,” she said as she mounted her horse. You and Oluo stood outside the stables to see her off. “Hopefully I’ll have a big group with me when I come back!” She gave you both a bright smile and a wave of her hand as she steered her mount towards the gate.

“Now what?” you had said as you watched her leave.

Oluo sniffed loudly, once. “You tell me.”

And so you spent the entirety of the day with Oluo. To your surprise, he proved to be an excellent assistant in helping you finish tidying up the infirmary and preparing some of the various medicines you had collected that morning.

To your lack of surprise, however, the man never stopped talking. For hours Oluo was always rambling on about something as he worked. He talked more of his childhood, his time with the Levi squad, the Titans he had killed. He detailed what it was like to go on an expedition and gave you much advice on how to survive outside of the Walls. He speculated about the killings of Hange’s test subjects and cursed whoever was trying to slow down their progress of having a freer people.

At one point you had asked him about the kinds of wounds scouts frequently died from out in the field. He explained in great detail everything he had ever seen, from decapitated heads and mangled bodies to scouts that had not a scratch on them and looked as if they had just dropped dead.

You then had asked, “Besides wounds from Titans, what’s something you scouts suffer from physically? Especially after an expedition?”

Oluo had paused from his task of stripping a celandine of its petals and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Soreness? Some missions cause us to walk stiff for a few days after we return.”

“Perfect,” you replied, pulling a heavy mortar from the shelf and lugging it over to the table. You grunted softly as you lifted it and put it onto the table with a loud _thunk_. You then had flitted about, collecting supplies into your arms and dropping them beside the mortar. You unscrewed the lid of one of the jars that contained turmeric taken from the kitchens and sniffed its contents, verifying it was still good to use. You poured some into your hand. It seemed alright. You added it with others.

With Oluo’s help, you had managed to mix a healthy amount of salve that would help those with muscle soreness. You then showed him how to properly prepare and dose the celandine should someone come to you suffering from upset bowels.

By the end of the day, the infirmary was spotless and ready for proper use, bandages were stripped and boiled, the salve was stocked in neat piles on the shelves, and preparations were made for the herbal mixtures to help treat a variety of ailments.

The only thing left to do was fill your empty stomachs that begged for food. Similar to breakfast, the two of you had managed to make quite the sad batch of soup. Its broth was bland and the vegetables turned into a soggy mess. You both agreed you couldn’t wait for the first of the support supplies to arrive which would include better food. You brewed another pot of the valerian root tea just to have something decent to taste.

Levi and the others returned later that evening, their hair windswept and their clothes smelling of the outdoors. They all filed into the kitchens in perfect timing as you and Oluo finished preparing what you supposed you could call supper. Levi took the seat at the head of the table with perfect poise while all the others dropped into chairs with heavy sighs and exhausted expressions.

Before the opportunity evaded you again, you took the chance to get that sample from Eren. You uncorked the vial you had kept in your pocket.

“Spit,” you demanded, holding out the vial towards Eren.

Eren looked up at you questioningly. “What?”

“Trust me. Hange and I need it,” you said, bringing it closer to him.

Eren leaned over and hacked out a wad of saliva. It hit the bottom of the glass with a plink.

“Disgusting,” Levi commented. “Can you not do that at the table?”

You ignored Levi’s comment, plugging the vial with its cork and dropping it back into your pocket.

Gunther stretched his arms over his head and let out a long, tired groan.

“Tough day?” you said, returning to the kettle and pulling it off the hearth’s fire.

“On patrol all day and still came up empty,” he said, frustration evident in his tone.

“You went on patrol without me?” Oluo complained from the hearth, ladle full of soup paused in midair as he spun around to look at everyone.

“You needed to keep watch of the doctor and headquarters,” said Levi. “And get that into a bowl before you make a mess.”

Oluo hurriedly turned back around and dumped the ladle’s contents into a bowl.

You walked over to the table, cups of tea in hand. When you placed the first one in front of Levi, his lips parted slightly. He stared down at it.

You paused, taken aback by his reaction. “What? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing,” he said quietly. “Thank you.” He picked up the cup from its top and took a sip.

“You’re welcome,” you said hesitantly. How strange. You finished handing out the rest of the tea before taking the empty seat adjacent to the captain.

Oluo came up from behind you and began placing bowls of soup before everyone, serving his captain first. You heard him grumbling under his breath about not being included and having to be a babysitter instead.

You took a sip from your own tea before saying to the captain, “I hardly understand why I need to be watched. I thought we had agreed to try and trust one another.”

“We can’t have you alone,” replied Levi evenly.

“I would like to point out that you _did_ leave me alone most of the day yesterday,” you said. “Besides, what would I even do? Run away?”

“Precisely,” said Levi. “And it would be a pain in my ass to find you and bring you back.”

You set down your tea onto the table. “Let me reiterate that I _didn’t_ do that yesterday.”

“You weren’t alone yesterday to have even tried,” said Levi simply. He took a tentative spoonful of Oluo’s soup and wrinkled his nose. He set down his spoon immediately. “Never cook again, Oluo. This tastes like shit.”

Oluo leaned back in his chair. “Not my fault we’ve got nothing good to eat around here! When are the first of the supplies even supposed to come?”

“Tomorrow,” answered Eld. “It’ll arrive with the new recruits.”

“I wonder how that’s going,” said Gunther, elbow propped up on the back of his chair. “I’m curious to see who decides to join.”

“Hang on, I’m sorry, we need to go back a few steps here,” you interrupted. You looked back towards Levi. “What do you mean I wasn’t alone?”

Levi pushed his bowl away from him. “I ordered the scout who had brought the news of Hange’s Titans to stay and keep an eye on you until we returned.”

You huffed in disbelief. “You seriously believe I would try to run the moment you left?”

“I know you certainly wouldn’t try with me around.”

You raised your brows. “Oh, you think so?”

“I know so.”

The others watched the exchange in silence.

What infuriated you more than him being so self-assured was the fact that he was justifiably so. After seeing his performance in the courtroom, which was ultimately done to _assist_ Eren, you hardly wanted to be on the wrong side of him should you do something to upset him or others. You weren’t exactly eager to admit such, especially out loud to him.

But that wasn’t the only reason why you wouldn’t have attempted to run should you have realized you had the chance. No, you had committed to being here, and you weren’t about to go back on your word to them. You weren’t a deserter. You planned to see this job through.

Gunther cleared his throat. “I suppose we should just be glad to know you didn’t try to run away despite thinking you were alone. I’d say that’s pretty good evidence you’re here willingly.”

“Thank you, Gunther,” you said. You swiveled your gaze back towards Levi. “I’m not so much of a coward to leave at the first opportunity, Captain. I gave you and Commander Erwin my word when I enlisted to help you all, and I plan to keep it.”

“Good to know,” Levi replied, taking another sip from his tea.

You sat back in your seat. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I believe you don’t completely understand what you’ve gotten yourself into,” he said.

“Because of my lack of military training?”

“Because of your lack of common sense.”

You sat in stunned silence. He proceeded to sip his tea as if hadn’t just rudely insulted your intelligence. But there was something else about his comment that caught you off guard, something that hinted at something else. You thought over everything he had said and about the situation at hand.

You leaned forward towards Levi, propping your elbows up onto the table.“Why don’t you tell me what this is really about, Captain? You aren’t worried about me deserting out of fear, but rather for a different reason, aren’t you?”

Levi didn’t answer, opting instead to take another drink from his tea.

You narrowed your eyes, ignoring the stares of the others. You didn’t care what they heard. You had nothing to hide. “Oluo spoke to me today of everyone’s suspicions and fears around the murder of those two Titans,” you said. “How there’s people on the inside, people with access to ODM gear and training who easily killed those two Titans. They did it to purposefully stop Hange’s research, didn’t they? Someone doesn’t want us to know about Titans. There are traitors in your ranks, aren’t there, and you can’t figure out who.”

Levi’s heavy gaze went to Oluo as you spoke. Oluo shrunk in his chair, avoiding his captain’s stare and suddenly finding his soup to be quite delicious. Eren began mumbling under his breath about something.

“You question my presence here, I know that, Captain,” you continued. “And should I run away, knowing what I know of Eren and what I’m to find out with Hange, you wouldn’t suspect my motivation to be fear, but treasonous. That’s why you want someone watching me at all times, isn’t it? So I’m not feeding information to others, so I’m not betraying the Scouts.”

“You’ve only just joined,” Levi said, turning his gaze over towards you. “You have yet to prove your loyalty to us. Until then, wariness is only normal.”

You refused to shrink back as Oluo had. Tension roiled in the air between the two of you. “Whoever was involved in those murders did it to _stop_ the research on Titans. I’m here to help _progress_ it with Hange,” you countered.

“You could easily skew or lie about the research’s results,” Eld said. You glared over at him and he raised his hands. “Just playing devil’s advocate. I’m not saying I think you would actually do that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t,” you said with finality. “Nor would I disclose any information about Eren to anyone.” You looked over at Eren then. “I promise you I am here to help you. Being my patient comes first and foremost.”

“Just remember you’re also here because of Erwin and Hange,” Levi drawled from behind his cup. “It wouldn’t be wise to spit in their faces after the trust they’ve instilled in you. Or mine.”

~~~~~

The physician was only partially right, but Levi wasn’t about to admit that any time soon. It was better to let her think there was only one reason behind watching her. It was better to have her nervous of him rather than the other, more likely threat in this situation.

Conversation sparked back up between the others. Idle talk was exchanged about the day’s patrol and those Eren knew in the Training Corps.

Levi refused to look over at the physician who had grown quiet beside him and instead continued to sip at his tea, his tension easing with every swallow.

While there _was_ the slim chance she was in contact with those who wished to stop Hange’s research, Levi didn’t really think this to be the case. And though Levi suspected she hid crucial knowledge about Titans and the doings of Grisha Jaeger, knowledge that would help their cause, he hardly thought her motivation for being here was to double-cross them. She lacked the tact needed for such deception, anyway.

No, Levi was more concerned she would become the next target alongside Eren. Once whoever was responsible caught wind of what she and Hange were up to, of what she potentially knew about Titans, it would be her capture or death by them next.

Levi sighed inwardly. Whoever ‘they’ happened to be.

And so Levi wasn’t about to take any chances by leaving her or Eren alone.

Erwin had put them both in his charge, and Levi was determined to see this job through. He had put on quite the pompous show in front of the premier and the Military Police, and he refused to embarrass himself or Erwin by immediately failing after all that grandiosity. He wouldn’t fuck this up.

But Levi also knew the moment he admitted his suspicions out loud to her, the moment he promised her protection from those who were likely to harm her or Eren, would be the moment he damned the both of them.

While Eren had his wild ambition and only a few years of training under his belt, Levi knew the boy was more than capable of taking care of himself should something happen. Worst comes to worst, Eren could always transform and handle matters instinctually.

But what did this doctor have? Medical training and a sheltered life in Wall Sina. Her life experience was contained to a sickroom rather than the real world he and his team faced every day.

Levi felt a small tinge of guilt for roping someone like her into all of this. For more than likely signing off on her death warrant.

So instead of admitting his suspicions, Levi let her believe what she wanted while he made a tentative promise to himself. A fragile little thing he was sure to regret. Levi would do his best to ensure not a single hair on that pretty little head of hers was harmed. Not only did he need her alive for Erwin’s sake and the sake of the wounded, but for his own selfish reasons as well.

Levi saw this as an opportunity to test his influence in the world; to see whether he could defeat that greater force that constantly condemned so many people around him to death. This would prove to himself that change could happen despite how futile or forlorn matters could seem; that he could make more of a difference in this world other than just cutting down an endless spawning of Titans.

That he could maybe influence the hands of fate.

That he could keep at least one soul tucked away safe. A soul that could help bring about change also.

Levi looked over at Eren who was talking animatedly with his team, then towards the doctor, her face downcast yet lovely.

A small ember of hope sparked in Levi’s chest. He was wary of the feeling, but he allowed himself to feel it. At least for now. Just for a little bit.

Levi thought back to the other day when they had recruited the doctor.

“While it would be better to have the old man, I think she’ll do just as well,” Erwin had said to him in the carriage after they had departed from the cramped hospital. “Hange will certainly be happy.”

“And you?” Levi had replied, looking out the window. The familiar smell of Erwin’s shaving oil had helped relax Levi. He hated sickrooms. Even if that one might have been empty, he was still glad to be out of there.

Erwin glanced over. “Me? Oh, I am very hopeful indeed.”


	11. Commander Erwin's Generous Investment

The new Survey Corps recruits arrived the next morning. You watched with curiosity from your window as a group of twenty or so cadets rode in, Petra leading the charge alongside a man you didn’t recognize. A white bandana was tied around his head; a bandana that was immediately snatched by his horse’s mouth the moment he dismounted. Though you couldn’t hear him, you could see him clearly scold the horse as he hastily wrapped it back around his balding head. He sulked for a brief moment kissing the horse’s muzzle in what you assumed to be forgiveness.

Your attention then caught on a small caravan of wagons that pulled in behind the fresh recruits, piles of various sized crates stacked inside. Supplies, you guessed. The drivers and riders of the wagons, more scouts recognizable by their green cloaks, jumped from the carts and immediately began unloading the crates.

Seeing so many of the scouts in one place turned your stomach. It had been easy these past few days to become entirely consumed by the Levi Squad. And while you may have been placed with them for Eren’s sake, seeing the arrival of so many more members of the Survey Corps was a stark reminder of your other job here. One that suddenly seemed much more daunting.

You pushed the thought from your mind. You turned from the window and returned to your other work.

You were occupied with setting up the equipment and the materials needed to study the sample Eren had given you the previous night. You bit your thumbnail as you studied your notes from Helfen’s, wondering which culture media would be best to try first. You needed to be strategic with the limited supplies the Scouts had, but at the same time, you also needed to use whatever was going to provide the best results.

However, with the arrival of all those new supplies, perhaps you had more leniency than previously thought. Sugar was scarcer than salt, so you’d have more room for trial and error with the salt, but sugar had given you better success in the past. But maybe if you tried the salt with a different combination of nutrients, you might be able to obtain the same efficacy. You wondered if you would get in trouble should you get caught digging through the Scout’s food supplies. They probably wouldn’t mind, that is until they learned it was just so you could study Eren’s spit.

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone’s boot lightly knocking on the opened door.

You looked up to see Eld in the doorway, lowering his foot, a small group of scouts around him. They each carried a crate in their arms. “Have a good place where we can put these?” Eld said by way of greeting.

“Just put them here, thank you,” you said, pushing aside the various supplies on the table you had gathered earlier, clearing a space.

They all entered and dropped the crates onto the table. Eld nodded his thanks to the other scouts before they all filed out. A few shot you interested looks as they left. “Why do you think she’s with the Levi Squad?” someone whispered as the group walked away.

“Something to do with the Jaeger kid, I think,” another whispered back. Their voices were cut off as they shut the door behind them.

One woman had stayed behind, two canvas duffle bags dropped by her feet. Her dark eyes roamed around the room, taking in the space around her.

Eld noticed your own curious glances towards the woman. He gestured to her with a hand. “I’d like to introduce you to Brunhild Rees.”

The woman then stood at attention, placing the back of her right fist against her heart. “Doctor! A pleasure to finally meet you,” she said, her voice low yet melodic. “Though please just call me Bruin.”

You stood there, stunned and amused at the sudden sign of respect. It seemed quite unnecessary, considering your recent joining. You weren’t quite sure how to respond so all you said in reply was “Hello.” You silently wished she would stop saluting you. It felt unearned.

She nodded her head in response to your greeting, her thick, dark hair sweeping past her cheeks. She then straightened, finally relaxing her posture.

“Rees is a part of our field medic team,” explained Eld.

So there _was_ to be more than just you out there then. Relief immediately flooded your body. This Brunhild woman just became your new favorite person, if for no other reason than the fact you no longer had to fear being alone in this job. To learn there would be an entire medic team joining the upcoming venture helped you feel a whole hell of a lot less disheartened.

“I’m glad to learn there are other medics,” you said. “You’re really a part of an entire team?”

“Well, what’s left of it, anyway,” Bruin replied dryly. “There’s only me and Arne at the moment.”

Your relief was short-lived. “Why so few?” you asked. Though three people were certainly better than one, it was still such a small number. Could it even be considered enough?

She looked at you blankly. “All the others became Titan fodder.”

Right. Your relief entirely disappeared. How reassuring to hear that all the medics before you had been guzzled down. Yes, how wonderful this boded for you.

Eld cleared his throat, reaching into his jacket pocket. “Petra handed this to me when she returned. It would seem Commander Erwin has already decided on your promotion.” He handed you a sealed envelope.

You raised a brow, accepting the offering. “A little early, isn’t it?” You slipped a finger under the wax seal and unfolded the letter.

_While I had hoped to inform you in person, other demands presently keep me away and so a letter will have to suffice for now._

_To keep things brief, I have decided to place you at the head of the Survey Corps’ Medical Emergency Team. This team is designed to provide emergency medical care to all wounded soldiers, as well as ensure the escort and transportation of all wounded and deceased upon an expedition’s return to the walls._

_What you lack formal military training and experience, you make up for with your impressive medical education and experience tending to our wounded in the past._

_As Medical Officer, you will be in charge of ensuring the entire team of combat medics is properly trained and equipped to handle the variety of medical emergencies that could present themselves. You will also be in charge of prioritizing all cases on the field, directing the other medics on which of my scouts will get medical attention._

_Presently, I can only afford you a team of five members. In time, I hope this number can grow. Combat medics Brunhild Rees and Arne Gervas are the only current members. I have tasked Arne Gervas with finding three additional volunteer scouts to join your team._

_You will also find some of the supplies you have requested have been provided to you. I hope this helps make a difference._

_I do not give you this responsibility lightly, but you have my trust to perform the job well._

_I look forward to speaking with you soon._

The letter ended with Commander Erwin’s signature alongside an official stamped seal of the Survey Corps. Well, this certainly explained the woman’s salute from earlier.

You looked up at Bruin. “How much medical experience do you have?”

“I was just a normal scout before they threw bandages in my hand,” she answered.

“Why no formal training?”

“We used to have specialized medical personnel join us on expeditions,” she said. “But due to their high mortality rates, we were quickly running out of proper physicians out on the field. It’s been much safer to just keep those specialized in medical care inside the walls. We do our best outside of the walls, and bring back whoever we can for additional care.”

“So what have the Scouts been doing in the meantime during missions?” you asked.

“Every expedition, a few scouts are trained to provide emergency first aid until we return,” Bruin said. She lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “It’s worked well enough…barely. We still have a high volume of casualties and we struggle to get all those wounded treated.”

You looked at her questioningly. “You want to keep qualified physicians safe and away from the field, and yet you’ve recruited me to do just that: be on the field and in danger.”

“It’s my understanding,” Eld said then, “that you will be as far away from the fighting as possible.”

You raised a brow. “Is that not where the Special Operations Squad is going to be? In the middle of all the fighting?”

Eld shook his head. “Our goal is taking back Wall Maria. We can’t get bogged down or risk losing soldiers by fighting Titans. We’ll be avoiding as many as we possibly can, especially since we have Eren with us.”

Bruin nodded in agreement. “Not to mention Commander Erwin has also recently been implementing new strategies to keep the medics safer.”

“Such as?”

Bruin leaned her hands against the table. “The past few ventures outside of the walls we’ve done some trial runs. Before, we would ride with either the support squads or the formations with the densest amount of scouts, as these usually have the most casualties. We would then ride people to safety should they get injured and then treat them in medical wagons. But due to the high volume of horses, and not to mention Titans, it’s been difficult to get to everyone. It’s like pushing against a heavy current. So recently, we’ve been riding more towards the back of the entire group. It’s easier and safer for us to do sweeps across the back and middle.”

“And if someone were to need help in the front?”

“They likely aren’t going to be going very far if they’re no longer able to keep on their horse,” Bruin answered. “In which case, if the group keeps moving forward, then we’ll get to them eventually.”

“Keyword being eventually,” you said. “What if by then it’s too late? Or the group changes direction?”

“You could say that about any position,” she replied easily. “What do you do if you’re bandaging a scout on the left wing but someone has just lost a leg on the right? Hence why there’s a team of us, albeit small. We aren’t likely to be grouped all together in this upcoming expedition. Depending on the formation Commander Erwin decides, we’ll likely be spread out and assigned specific locations.”

You glanced towards Eld. “I was told by Commander Erwin that I would be with the Levi Squad for protection. Where will my priority lie then? Staying with Eren or leaving the group to tend to those who are wounded? I hardly can be riding without protection. I have no training.”

Eld cleared his throat again. “That will be a discussion for another time. We are to receive our orders from Commander Erwin today. Once we do, we’ll know everyone’s positions, including yours. We’ll be able to talk logistics and your protection then.”

Your expression turned wary. “You talk like there’s a possibility I won’t be with your team.”

“Because there is,” he replied. Panic started to worm its way in your chest and, somehow, Eld immediately recognized it. “Don’t worry just yet. Like I said, we’ve yet to be given orders. Once the expedition’s plans arrive, then we’ll discuss everything over.”

You couldn’t help but sigh heavily.

Well, this was just great. So not only were you now in charge of a small team of medics, a group who had minimal medical emergency training, but now there was the chance you weren’t going to be with Captain Levi and the others, which had been an important stipulation to your initial joining.

You hoped Commander Erwin hadn’t dangled the captain in front of you just to coax you to join. You hoped it hadn’t been a false promise.

Your suspicions of such grew the more you thought it over.

The commander had been well aware of your hesitation to join. Now you wondered if he had just offered the best bargaining chip he had at the time to get you to join. Guaranteed protection from the greatest soldier they had was quite the pretty offering.

And it worked. A bit too easily, you added regretfully.

But now you were beginning to realize just how ridiculous and impossible such an offer was. One that hardy could be fulfilled. It made you wary of other motivations that could be at play here.

While it was better than nothing, you hardly doubted your skills as a physician were truly so spectacular that you could actually make any kind of significant difference in the Scouts’ horrible causality numbers. To even have the gall to think such was naive and ridiculous.

No, Commander Erwin needed you with the Levi Squad for a different reason, and you highly doubted it was solely for protection outside of the walls. You thought of Levi’s interrogation from the other night, the questions he had asked, the information he wanted to know.

Whatever Commander Erwin’s reasons were, they obviously involved Eren and his father, but that was the extent of your knowledge.

And even if you were lucky enough to be assigned to ride with the Levi Squad during this expedition, there still wasn’t any real guarantee of protection by them. Best in the Survey Corps or not, to make such a promise would be callow. A group of people who dealt with death every day wouldn’t make such a promise. Couldn’t.

Despite previous wishful thinking, no one would truly be able to prevent any harm from befalling you.

It was an impossible promise.

One more likely to be broken rather than kept.

And it wasn’t one you remembered being explicitly made to you on that first day.

For a good reason.

This very reason.

Fuck.

You were fucked.

Regardless if you rode with the Levi Squad or not, you were most definitely, absolutely, utterly fucked.

You knew Commander Erwin needed you alive for reasons other than doctoring the wounded, whatever those reasons may be. But would he still really risk such just so you can try to save a few more lives out there?

You didn’t know the commander well enough to answer such a question.

Your head spun trying to process the many sides of this situation. Though you were only a few days into your recruitment, you were beginning to realize there was much more at play here than just stitching up wounds and studying Eren.

You just had no idea what.

You sighed inwardly. There were still a few weeks left until the expedition. There was plenty of time to get as much work done as you could with Eren and Hange before you had to venture outside of the walls for the first time.

And most likely the last, you couldn’t help but add sourly.

And so before you could make any rash decisions you were likely to regret, such as pounding on the captain’s door or writing a strongly worded letter back to the commander, you decided to instead take Eld’s advice and merely wait until official orders arrived. You would wait and see where exactly the commander wanted you in this formation and what protection you would be given.

In the meantime, you were to simply go along with playing team leader and continue doing your job of tending to Eren while you still could.

You gestured towards one of the crates. “Can I?”

“Oh! Please, go ahead. I hope you’re pleased with what we were able to get you,” Eld said pleasantly. “That reminds me, I need to go help unload the rest of the supplies. The others won’t like that I’ve been hiding up here.” He made his way towards the door.

“I hope edible food is included in all those crates I saw earlier,” you said.

Eld smiled, his hand paused on the door handle. “Edible food, spare ODM parts, gas tanks, clothing, supplies for the horses, you name it. We’ve got a much better stock around here now,” he said before carefully closing the door behind him.

“Well, let’s see it then,” said Bruin. She looked expectantly towards the crates.

You opened the first of the crates and peered inside. Packed tightly together were many small pouches made of soft leather. You picked one up curiously and loosened the drawstring.

“Ah, basic first aid kits,” explained Brunhild. “Looks like they’ve restocked them for us. Every scout is given one to attach to their saddle.”

You shook out the contents. Spilled onto the table was a single roll of gauze bandaging, a tourniquet, an empty flask, a folded paper pouch with _ammonia ampule_ stamped on its cover, and a small packet of herbs.

You opened the packet of herbs and sniffed. You looked up at Bruin. “Yarrow?”

She smiled and nodded. “Keen nose.”

“This is all that’s given to each scout?” you asked, putting everything back into the pouch. You pulled the drawstring tight.

“It’s all we can afford to carry,” she replied. “And even then it’s only attached to our saddle. ODM gear requires us to be as light as possible.”

“And if you lose your horse?” You tossed the pouch back into the crate with the others.

“Then we hope they can find one of us or another scout,” she replied.

How grim, you thought as you flipped the lid of the next crate and found more of the same pouches. “How many you estimate we have?”

“These supply crates usually carry around seventy-five pouches. So roughly one fifty would be my guess, which sounds about right of our current numbers. At least from what I’ve recently heard.”

“Is that a normal number for the Scouts?” you asked as you moved the two boxes of first aid kits to the shelves.

“It can be. The range is usually between one hundred and three hundred. The number fluctuates frequently.”

“Are you down because of Trost?”

Bruin nodded. “We had a huge surge in numbers after the fall of Wall Maria. Admittedly, I was one of them. And while recruitment has stayed pretty steady, there are many times casualties can significantly outnumber recruitment, and it puts pretty big dents into our numbers. After what happened in Trost though, I suspect there will be another surge of enlistment into the Training Corps, and then hopefully the Survey Corps.” She pointed to the third crate. “Let’s see what else we got.”

You opened the next crate. To your utter delight, contained inside were a dozen bottles of distilled alcohol and three bottles of iodine. Bruin helped as you unloaded the glass bottles and placed them neatly onto the shelves. They were more valuable than gold at that moment, and you would have been happy should that have been the only thing you received. But it would seem the Survey Corps’ generosity continued further.

The fourth crate, and the largest, contained many of the miscellaneous items that had been on your list: ten dozen rolls of white bandaging; stacks of gauze sponges; three tins of willow bark; a large jar of even more yarrow; five tourniquets; a row of empty glass syringes with needles; three large spools of catgut suture; and several separate instrument cases that contained stainless steel hemostatic forceps, tissue forceps, scissors, suture needles, and freshly sharpened scalpels.

On the very bottom was a small black box. You opened it curiously, and to your immense surprise, found five tiny vials, all placed in a neat row. _Morphine_ had been written in black ink on each one.

When you had added it to the list, you figured it was a long shot should you actually get any. It apparently was a very good thing you had tried.

And while not everything you had written on that list had been provided, most of it had been. You felt both incredibly grateful at that moment and a bit more reassured.

Bruin took inventory of what was in the crate, and then vials of morphine still in your hand. She whistled low. “This is the best stock we’ve ever had, I think. And these supplies don’t come cheap. Considering we’ve the lowest budget out of all the other branches, Commander Erwin must really think highly of you.”

You quickly estimated in your head how much this would have come out the Survey Corps’ pocket. Your mouth dried.

Based on the rates Helfen frequently dealt in…

A lot.

While Bruin unloaded and put away all the other supplies that had been provided, you put the stock of morphine in your personal medical bag for safekeeping.

You buckled up your bag and, in a small moment of vulnerability in front of this person you’d just met, said to Bruin, “How do I live up to such high expectations? How do I ensure the commander hasn’t just wasted his time and money?”

Bruin paused from her task of stocking the shelves. She turned towards you, a roll of bandaging still in hand, clearly thinking over an answer. You briefly worried that expressing such doubts in front of the person you were supposed to lead was a bad first move on your part.

Bruin was quiet for a moment before finally replying, “I’ve been a part of the Scouts for almost two years now. And while I don’t know Commander Erwin personally, what I do know is that he strives for one thing: change. While many people have a very grim outlook on our future, he holds great hope instead. He sees something we don’t.” She gestured to the generous supplies that now graced the infirmary shelves with her hand. “And he’s willing to invest quite a lot to see such change. So if you want my opinion, the best way to repay him would be investing just as much of yourself into the cause. Do your absolute best to save the lives of his scouts so that they may serve humanity another day. And I will do the same.” She glanced over at the remaining crates on the table. “You still have two left.”

You couldn’t help but look at Bruin with amazement. “Thank you. I needed to hear that,” you said quietly before tucking your medical bag away and turning your attention back to the boxes.

You removed the cover of the first and found hundreds of folders inside, all neatly filed away. You pulled one out at random and flipped back the cover.

Medical records, you discovered as you scanned the first page inside and read the medical history of a soldier whose name you didn’t recognize.

As you returned the chart back to its box, Bruin opened the last crate. You saw more of the same folders.

She reached inside and pulled from it a large stack of blank paper along with several pens, an inkwell, and two stamps. Carved into one end, in bold lettering, was the word APPROVED. The other stamp had REJECTED.

Bruin reached in again and brought out a small handbook accompanied by another letter.

She handed you the letter before flipping through the book, the sound of pages ruffling filling the air.

You tore the correspondence free from its envelope and read:

_Admittedly, our medical record-keeping has been difficult to maintain due to our high number of casualties and the frequent changing of medical personnel. You’ll find that the new recruits in the Training Corps have better records than some of the senior members of Survey Corps. With your help, I hope to rectify this disparity._

_So I ask you to update all medical records and perform physical examinations on all Survey Corps members. I need every able-bodied person I can get, but I also need them at peak physical standard so that they can perform all duties required of them. Anyone who does not meet these standards will either undergo rehabilitation or be dismissed from service._

_I’ve had all files of those pronounced deceased pulled from our records and those transferred from other branches added. All the files that have been provided to you are all active members of the Scouts. Please go through each one and record the results of your exam as well as whether they are deemed fit for service._

_As guidance, you’ll find a handbook included that outlines and details all physical requirements for those in the military._

_I’ve instructed all Team Leaders to schedule a time with you over the next week so that their assigned squadrons may undergo their physicals. Once completed, records will return to me. Please organize together all those who have been rejected._

_I will need all records returned to me in a week, no later._

It was signed once again by Commander Erwin. You looked up from the paper to find Brunhild’s fingers shuffling through all the folders, her lips moving soundlessly as she counted. “There’s one hundred and eighty-four,” she said, looking up at you.

“We’ve got one week to go through them all,” you said, looking down at all the files and feeling slightly overwhelmed.

“That’s what? Around twenty-six exams each day? That’s feasible.”

You gave the letter to her to read. “Provided we manage to space it out with the Team Leaders in such a way.”

Bruin’s dark eyes flickered back and forth as she read. “Then our solution is to contact the Team Leaders and schedule times ourselves. Our priority then should be sorting all these records by team. Squads that are currently working in the area should go first, then those who need to travel here will have time to do so.”

God, it was amazing to have another person around to help. “How do we even know who’s in the area in the first place?” you asked.

Bruin waved a dismissive hand, clearly not concerned. “There’s plenty of bored scouts around here now. They’ll take on that job for us.”

You picked up the handbook, the leather cover cracked. Inside the pages were yellowing, the black ink fading.

You flipped through it. “Sheesh, how old is this?”

Brunhild shrugged. “Likely as old as the military itself. It looks as though they add to it over the years though.”

You agreed. As you flipped towards the end of the book, the ink became less faded and there were many footnotes and references to previous pages. It seemed whatever was considered the physical standard for those in the military changed as time progressed. You put it aside for now, deciding to study it more carefully later on.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Bruin said suddenly. “These are for you.” She reached down and grabbed the handles of one of the canvas duffle bags. She plopped it onto the table beside all the files. “Petra spoke to me yesterday about the sizes. She hopes she guessed right.”

Curiosity peaking, you unbuckled the bag. Neatly packed inside was a pile of clothes, leather boots wedged on either side. You rummaged through the pile, finding two pairs of white trousers, a single leather belt, and a tan jacket. You pulled the jacket free and flipped it so the back faced you. The insignia sewn onto it was not a symbol from any of the military factions, but rather a bold red cross. White armbands with the same symbol that had been neatly folded on top fluttered to the table.

“Here, this is the best part,” said Bruin excitedly. She reached inside the bag and pulled from the very bottom a thick, white fabric. She shook it out.

It was a cloak, its style matching that of the other scouts. But instead of the usual green with the Wings of Freedom, it had the same red cross which was on your jacket, the bright red stark against the white.

“So we’re easy to pick out,” she said. “We need injured comrades to quickly find us should their own first aid kit no longer suffice. The other medics will be wearing the same.” She smiled. “Go on, put it all on.”

You quickly changed, tucking your shirt into the white trousers and buckling the belt around your waist. You slipped your feet into the boots and slid your arms through the sleeves of the tan jacket.

Bruin picked up the white bands that had fallen and pinned them around your upper arms. She shook out the white cloak a final time before wrapping it around your shoulders and clasping it closed. You found the weight of it surprisingly nice. Comforting, even.

Bruin reached down into the second bag that was still on the floor and pulled out another tan jacket and white cloak. She replaced her scouting jacket and green cloak for the combat medic attire instead. She put her hands on her hips. “We’ve got a lot to do in the next few weeks before Commander Erwin’s next expedition. Shall we get started?”


	12. Soft Hands, Pleasant Voices

The medical records were prioritized first. With Commander Erwin’s time restriction, you needed to be strategic in the way the charts were organized. A schedule would then need to be drawn up and letters sent out before any of the examinations could actually be performed.

But, with Bruin’s knowledge of the section commanders, their team leaders, and the scouts typically in their charge, you were able to easily organize all the records into neat piles by the next afternoon. All those she didn’t know went into their own separate pile to be sorted through later.

You added the chart labeled _Ral, Petra_ to the top of the Levi Squad pile along with Eld and Gunther’s. The only ones left missing were Eren and Levi’s.

Eld, Gunther, and Petra’s files were all fairly full which you attributed to their more recent joining. You had skimmed through them as soon as you pulled them from the box, finding a record that wasn’t all that badly kept. A few random chunks of their younger years were missing, but starting from their enlistment, the record-keeping became more consistent, especially during their time in the Training Corps. The previous physicians who performed their physicals all did a sufficient enough job, but clearly had done the bare minimum, stating basic vital signs and stamping APPROVED in bold letters every few months.

When you finally came across Eren’s, you eagerly flipped through it, hoping to find anything that could hint towards his Titan-shifting ability. Disappointingly, everything was perfectly average. He was in top health, with no abnormalities or serious previous illnesses stated. All things considered, he was exactly where he should be for his age.

Bruin watched with curiosity as you picked up a pen and one of the pieces of blank paper that had been provided. You dated the top, then added ‘Titan’ right underneath, underlining it twice.

You added the paper to the front of the chart and handed it to Bruin.

She read what you wrote, snorted, then closed the folder before adding it to the Levi Squad pile. “I suppose no one knows much more than that?” she said before diving back into the box of records.

“According to Section Commander Hange, he’s able to trigger it by harming himself, that’s all we know.” You pulled out a folder. “Braun, Reiner?”

“With Dieter Ness,” she said and you added it to Ness' pile. “Have you seen him do it yet?”

“No, he isn’t permitted. He’s under strict orders not to. Well, that is until Captain Levi says otherwise. Cis, Luke?

“Also Ness.” Bruin paused before saying, “Though I haven’t seen him as a Titan, I did see the husk of its body.”

You glanced up in surprise. “You were in Trost when everything happened, then?”

She shook her head as she pulled a stack of charts from the box and tossed them easily into their respective piles after glancing at the name. “We were returning from our latest expedition outside of Wall Rose when we were met with the disaster that was occurring inside Trost. Of course, Captain Levi and the others immediately threw themselves into the thick of it. I wanted so desperately to do the same, but I was in the medical wagon with Arne, our own team members freshly deceased in the next wagon over. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted to do the same, wanted to immediately jump from that wagon and help. But we couldn’t. That wasn’t a part of our orders.

“Instead, we had been instructed to get all those in the medical wagon back to base in Trost where they could get proper care, that is if it hadn’t already been destroyed. It hadn’t been, thankfully, but the number of people in that medical base was astounding.” Bruin shook her head slightly, eyes far away. “The physicians and nurses there were so overwhelmed and stressed. They started to send cases out of Trost to other districts where they could get the help they needed. It’s so much worse when they’re all congregated like that, civilians and soldiers, all together, screaming and moaning and crying. I’ll never forget how strong the smell of iron and stomach acid was in that room…” She trailed off, then cleared her throat.

“We were ordered to pass through all the streets where Titans had been and to get to those who were still out there that needed first aid. We were given a couple of bandages and a bag of yarrow and told good luck. It was already so late in the day, past dusk, the sky already darkened so much it made it difficult to see. The lanterns left burning inside the buildings were our best source of light. Arne was my extra set of eyes, my backup. Any Titan that came around while we were trying to work, my number one priority would be on the person who was injured, while his would be on the Titan. I was to run with the wounded, while he was to fight.

"Arne is…” Her expression flickered softly for a brief moment. "Arne is a huge pain in my ass, but he’s an excellent, capable soldier and he’s very good at what he does. So I wasn’t worried at first when we got separated. After all, he had already easily taken care of one Titan while I was stanching the blood of a civilian.” She huffed once, humorless. “I’ve never spit more yarrow into a wound than I did with that one man, desperate to make it all stop. The blood from the Titan Arne took down sprayed over myself and this man, and I could no longer tell where his blood ended and the Titan’s began. So I just threw him over my shoulder and we got him to safety after the Titan fell.

“It was the Garrison soldier slumped against the wall that caused our separation. He was still alive, but…not. He breathed, but he was so far away.” She looked up at you, her eyes dark and desperate. “You have to understand, he was in agony. He had just one foot left inside our hell, the rest of him far, far gone. But because he still drew breath, Arne wanted us to grab him. I refused. We were ordered to leave all those deceased for clean up once the Titan threat was neutralized. We argued over it. He said the man wasn’t deceased, and that the least we can do is ease his suffering. I argued for the same, but…by different means. He meant taking him to base, while I drew my blade. But Arne wouldn’t hear of it. He took the man into his arms himself and left. I thought of following, but I was…feeling a lot in that moment. So I went off on my own to continue my task, which was stupid in hindsight.

“You see, the thing about Titans, is that despite being these huge, lumbering eating machines, you’d think it would always be easy to spot them. But they can be sneaky bastards when they really want to. And I almost died because of it. One caught me by surprise and gave chase. I struggled to find an opportunity to get at its neck. So instead of attempting something I didn’t feel confident in, I kept fleeing, not realizing I was heading towards the breach, towards where the majority of them were.

“Nothing will motivate you to flee faster than hearing the pounding footsteps of death behind you. And all I could think about at that moment was Arne. How stupid it was to be separated from him. How sorry I was. And then, suddenly, I no longer heard the Titan’s footsteps. I stopped and looked behind me and there was Captain Levi, already bounding away from the Titan, its nape sliced clean, its body already halfway down to the ground as it fell. He had landed on the nearby roof and looked towards me. He said nothing. He just looked at me with that stare of his and then continued on his way. And at that moment…I just stood there and I felt…such immense shame. For not doing my job as a Survey Corps soldier. For not being good enough to kill that Titan. For almost killing that Garrison soldier. For not going with Arne. For fleeing. For not looking for more opportunities to take that Titan down. For luring it to the area where many of those in the Training Corps were…

“When I had turned around and realized where I was, it was then I saw that the hole in the wall had been plugged, the disintegrating corpse of a Titan bowed before it. I remember the hissing that came from it. I remember being able to feel the heat that radiated from it on my face. The sight was so confusing and I didn’t understand what I was looking at. It wasn’t until I returned to the base later on did I hear all about Eren, what he could become, what he did. An abnormal Titan, doing an incredible feat for us, _aiding_ us. It was unheard of. But then I learned he had been locked up. He had been imprisoned after saving our lives.” She shook her head slightly. “I know they’re all wary of Eren. But, if his intentions weren’t honorable, then I don’t think he would have done what he did. And I think that with time, time with Captain Levi, time with himself to figure things out, I think Eren could really become something wonderful.” She sighed heavily, then gave you a tentative smile. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” you said, the file in your hand long forgotten. “I assume you found Arne again?”

She nodded, then looked down. “It’s always difficult, so damn difficult, to watch innocent civilians or your fellow comrades die in such a way. But, when it’s someone you love, someone who’s close to you, it’s so much fucking worse. It’s…indescribable the feeling. And I’ve realized now…I think that was where Arne was coming from. He fought for that Garrison soldier as if he loved him. And if there was any hint of consciousness still left in that soldier, I hope he felt that love. I hope Arne was able to give him a warmer end than I would have given, to use his hands to hold another hand rather than a blade.”

She glanced down at the last folder in her hands, then extended it out towards you.

You wordlessly took it from her. It was the thinnest of all the files with only a few sheets of paper inside. You flipped over the cover. Levi’s.

No last name or birth year were provided. The beginning of the records merely stated his enlistment in the Scout Regiment per the approval of Commander Erwin Smith, dated six years ago. There was nothing from the Training Corps like the others. Curious.

The first medical entry of his record merely stated malnutrition followed by basic vital signs. Over time, these numbers steadily improved as he continued his service, but no other information had been recorded.

You narrowed your eyes. “You think they did this on purpose?”

Bruin looked over. “What? Have so little information on him?”

“Mm. He’s their greatest soldier, is he not? Did they not record more information on him on purpose?”

Bruin shrugged. “Possibly. More likely it’s just genuine poor record-keeping. Commander Erwin had mentioned in his letter that’s been an issue of theirs.”

“I suppose,” you replied, closing it and adding it to the top of his squad’s pile.

~~~~~

Even more Survey Corps soldiers began appearing around the dilapidated castle ever since the arrival of that first group the previous day. Headquarters came to life as groups of green cloaks frequently came and went, filling the once empty halls with echoing conversations and herds of footsteps. Supplies were continuously hauled around and once previously vacant rooms became filled with scouts either resting or attending what you assumed to be debriefing meetings.

You noticed from the infirmary’s window that many of them liked to spend their free time hanging out in the bailey and by the stables. While some kept busy caring for the many horses that were now housed here, others took the time to toss horseshoes or duck behind the stables, crouched in the shadows with a fan of yellow-stained cards in hand. That was until a team leader would come around and order them off on a patrol, dust soon kicked up underneath the hooves of their galloping steeds.

Supper that night was surprisingly pleasant. With the arrival of real food, proper meals were finally able to be prepared - by people who actually knew how to cook. When you entered the kitchens with Bruin that evening, the expansive room, warmed by the gaping hearth’s fire, smelled of freshly baked bread, tangy lemongrass, garlic, onion, and seared peppered meat. Compared to Oluo’s soup, you supposed anything edible was going to be divine in comparison.

“Hello, Siggy,” Bruin greeted as you both approached a scout who sat on a stool in front of the fire, a knife and potato in his hands. A bucket filled with the peeled skin sat between his knees.

“‘Lo, Rees. You’ve got your choice of meat and barley stew or garden pie,” the scout replied as he smoothly rotated the potato in his hand, thumb positioned on the back of the blade. “Meat is still scarce, so if you take the stew, take only one serving. Goddamn greedy hands keep taking more than they should,” he added in a grumble under his breath.

“Crust made today?” Bruin said, leaning over and sniffing the vegetable pie.

Siggy nodded, chin jerking towards a basket filled with loaves of bread. “Bread too. Get some while you can. Brown-haired girl around here already nicked more than her fair share. I’ve shooed her off for now, but she’s likely to return.” The scout looked off to the side, eyes narrowed in trepidation.

Bruin took a plate and handed it to you before picking up her own. “Well, should we see your bread thief, we’ll be sure to put a stop to her.”

Siggy grunted once, adding the peeled potato to a pile before grabbing another one. “Would appreciate it. Expectin’ several patrols to return this evenin' who are gonna want to eat dinner too.”

While you ate, Bruin questioned the scouts who sat on the benched tables nearby on where each squadron was currently stationed. A good number, it turned out, were working relatively close by, if not at headquarters itself, performing the necessary odd jobs and patrols until the upcoming expedition. Quite a few were still in Trost, aiding in the efforts still occurring to help clean up the district. Other group locations were apparently classified.

“I believe a squad will be traveling to Karanes soon as well,” one scout added once most in the kitchens had already eaten their fill and left. His elbows were propped on the cracked wood, mug in hand.

“Karanes?” repeated Bruin.

“Official orders finally came today,” he said, and you paused, fork raised halfway to your mouth. “Can’t very well leave by Trost since it’s all sealed up, can we? So, we launch from the next closest gate. Karanes.” The scout swirled the drink in his mug before tilting his head back and downing the rest all at once.

Bruin hummed once. “Interesting. Certainly makes the trip to Shiganshina longer, doesn’t it?”

“We hardly have the choice,” the scout replied.

You lowered your fork and looked to Bruin. “We didn’t receive any orders today, did we?”

She shook her head. “Nothing’s arrived for us yet.”

You suddenly wondered where the Levi Squad was at the moment and whether they had received anything from the commander yet.

You leaned towards the scout. “Was there anything else included in these orders? Do you know where the Special Operations Squad is to be?”

“We were told of our positions. Commander Erwin is employing the long-range scouting formation for this expedition,” the scout answered, reaching for the clay pitcher in the center of the table and refilling his mug.

What he said meant nothing to you. Bruin saw your blank expression and said in a hushed voice, “I’ll explain later.”

“As for the Levi Squad,” the scout continued as he put the pitcher down, “they’re positioned on Commander Erwin’s right flank, between him and relay.”

“Is that good?” you asked Bruin.

“It’s not ideal,” she said. “But I’m sure the commander has his reasons for it.” Bruin then leaned forward. “Could you draw us the formation?”

~~~~~

Considering Bruin hadn’t received anything either, she had come to the conclusion that your team would receive their own orders soon. “Commander Erwin’s priority was going to be assigning spotting squads for enemy detection and relay,” Bruin had said to you when you returned to the infirmary after dinner. She tapped the center area of the formation on the diagram courteously drawn by the scout at the table. “Considering the veterinary and the medical supply wagons are stationed in the center ranks, we’re likely to start there. If I had to guess, we’re not going to be assigned a specific location in the formation.”

“So we can do the sweeps?” you asked.

“Correct. The wagon won’t break formation, but _we_ will. That is if Commander Erwin even plans for us to do the usual sweeps. That’s likely what he’s still deciding and thus the delay.” She shrugged, rolling up the diagram. “Or he already knows what he wants us to do and we simply haven’t been told. You can never tell with him.”

And so what you really wanted to do at that moment was to find Levi and others to ask them whether orders had arrived for them as well, and whether it included anything regarding you and Eren. You were desperate to know where your priorities were supposed to lie - and how high your chances of survival were to be out there.

But Levi and the others were nowhere to be found. Some soldiers by the stables mentioned that they had left earlier that afternoon and were due to be back soon, but you had neither the patience nor the time to wait for them to return. So instead you decided to retire for the evening, the handbook Commander Erwin had given you left open on your lap as your head bowed in sleep, with the trust that they would come to you the moment they knew anything.

~~~~~

“What we need is a calendar,” you said to Bruin the next morning as you entered the infirmary. With only six days remaining before the commander needed the files returned to him, organization of the exams was vital. Using the information Bruin had gathered the night before, you set about assigning squadrons specific dates based on their currently known positions.

Bruin grabbed a piece of paper, a pen, and the inkwell. She used the spine of the old nutter surgeon’s ledger as a straightedge, drawing neat lines across the page and labeling the top of each with the date.

The two of you stared down at it, deciding the best times to schedule each examination. Hange, Ness, and Levi’s were decided upon to go first since everyone in their command was already in the vicinity.

Bruin tapped the end of her pen against her bottom lip. “We’ll have Walbrunn’s team go fourth. I saw Friedman walking about here yesterday, so I know they’re working nearby.” She leaned over the page to write in all the names of the squadron into one of the labeled boxes.

The door of the infirmary suddenly slammed open. Bruin’s hand jerked in surprise, knocking over the inkwell. The black ink splattered all over the neat lines and all your progress.

“I’ve arrived!” boasted a voice. In swaggered a young man, his neatly combed hair the color of ash, the ends just barely tucking behind his ears. His eyes were a bright blue, the delicate skin beside them crinkled with humor and mischief underneath the lantern’s light. You noticed he wore the same white medic cloak as you and Bruin.

“Goddammit, Arne!” Bruin exclaimed, quickly righting the inkwell. “Every time!”

You helped Bruin quickly clean up the mess before any stains could set in.

“Reesey! How’s my best girl, hm?” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple. “I’ve been looking all over for you. This place is crazy confusing. Twice I walked into someone’s room and saw things no one should ever have to see. It was horrible!”

“Leave me be, Arne, I’m trying to work.” Bruin maneuvered herself out from under Arne’s arm. She pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began redrawing her even lines.

Arne sulked. “Ah, come on! Don’t be like that, Brunhild!”

She flashed him an irritated look. “Don’t call me that.”

He gave her a wounded look in return. “I come bearing orders from Commander Erwin and this is how you treat me? I see how it is.” He sighed heavily. “Well, then, I suppose if you want me to leave you alone, then I’ll be on my way, even though it took me _forever_ to get here…” Arne made a show of shuffling towards the door, boots scuffing against the floor, his head hung with dejection.

You called over to him. “Hang on, you’ve got our orders?”

Arne stopped and looked over his shoulder towards you. He gave you a lazy, secretive smile. “Perhaps. But I’ll only give them over if Brunhild does two things for me.”

A muscle twitched in Bruin’s jaw as her hand worked to refill in the names. She closed her eyes, looking as if she were summoning all the patience in the world. “What?” she said curtly.

Arne turned back around to face you both fully, his smirk turning into a grin. “First, I want an apology from you, Reesey.”

Bruin inhaled loudly through her nose. “For what?”

“You said that I would never make it through the ranks of the Survey Corps if I kept up my shit.”

“Yes, and?”

“Aaand, you were very clearly wrong!” Arne reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He waved it around gleefully. “Commander Erwin summoned me personally to give me this! If that isn’t rising in the ranks, I don’t know what is! And so, Reesey, I expect an apology for your mean, horrible words to me.”

Bruin rubbed the end of her pen in the space between her brows. “You were still in Trost, Arne.”

“So?”

“ _So_ ,” Bruin said with exasperation, “You were the one closest to the commander. He summoned you out of convenience since you were to come here anyway!”

“Nope!” he said with a shake of his head. He tapped Bruin on the head with the paper. “He also told me things in secret too! Things only for me!” He winked.

Bruin sighed. “Fine. Then I’m sorry I never believed that you would get any kind of promotion or special treatment due to you being…well, you. Now, what’s this second thing you want?”

“Thank you. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Arne said with a satisfied smile. “The second thing I need from you is to introduce me to this lovely person I’ve heard so much about.” His bright eyes turned towards you.

“She is your command,” Bruin said, smacking him upside the head before snatching the paper from his hand. She then handed it over to you. “And you’re going to treat her with respect. She’s the one who’s going to be training your ass. God knows you need it.”

You immediately unfolded the paper, your eyes quickly scanning the page. You swallowed as you read through the orders. But before you could fully process what you had read, something in the diagram provided on the bottom caught your attention. You furrowed your brows in confusion.

Arne raised his brows as he smoothed down the hair Bruin had mussed up. “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Training Corps!”

“So you like to remind me,” Bruin mumbled under her breath.

“Though I do shamefully admit I don’t have the first clue when it comes to doctoring.”

“It still baffles me to this day why you volunteered to join our division,” Bruin said as she dipped her pen back into the ink.

“What can I say, I like expanding my interests,” Arne said with a shrug before leaning forward and placing his hands on Bruin’s paper, smudging her fresh lines.“So it’s true you’ve been with the Levi Squad, eh? Top stuff. Tell me, what’s it like to work personally with the captain? Have you seen him in action yet?”

“Arne! I swear to God if you ruin one more page!” Bruin pushed his hands away from her smudged page. She crumpled it up and tossed it before grabbing another paper and starting afresh for the third time.

You shook your head, lifting your gaze from the page. “I haven’t. To be honest, we haven’t done all that much since I’ve arrived. We’ve just been on standby.”

“Shame. Just wait until you do. He’s really somethin’ else. I wish I had been chosen for his squadron. Then I could watch him fight all day.” He sighed longingly.

“Sounds a lot like love to me, Arne,” Bruin said as she carefully filled in names once again with her neat handwriting.

“I mean, can you blame me?” Arne braced his hands on the table and hoisted himself to sit on it. Bruin immediately slid the paper away from him, preventing him from making contact with it. “The man is a legend.”

Bruin briefly glanced towards the door, a mischievous glint alighting her own eye. “Please, Arne, do tell us more. I’m sure we would all love to hear more about your love.”

Arne tilted his head back and drawled, “Ugh, where do I even start? First off, the man’s a dreamboat. But more than just that, the way he goes after Titans is really something to behold. His talent is unparalleled. It’s like the man goes feral when he gets a Titan in his sight. I would not want to be on the receiving end of his blades. Or would I? Anyway, can you imagine what it would be like…to…see… …what is it…?”

Arne noticed your attention towards the door. He looked over his shoulder and all the color left his face. “Captain!” Arne immediately pushed himself off the table, his back becoming ramrod straight. The back of his right fist flew to his heart, his left arm folding behind his back.

Bruin looked over at you and smirked, putting down her pen and giving the same gesture of respect to Levi who stood at the threshold of the infirmary, his usual neutral expression present on his face.

You hesitated for just a moment before putting down the paper and placing your own fist over your heart.

For the first time, you realized.

“I need the doctor,” was all Levi said, not bothering to acknowledge anything Arne had said.

You briefly glanced over to the other two medics, who kept up their salute. Seeing as they were in your charge, you supposed an order would have to be made if you were to leave them alone.

“Please catch Arne up with our current plans. As soon as you’ve got the calendar made, we need letters written and sent out to team leaders. Today,” you said as you folded the paper containing your orders back up and pocketing it.

Bruin nodded, relaxing her stance. “I’ll have Arne start on those right away. And I’ll make sure we get those letters out.”

“Good. Thank you.” You then reached into your own jacket, pulling out the handbook Commander Erwin had given you. You placed it onto the table and slid it towards Arne. “Once you finish with that, read through this. Consider it the first part of your training,” you said before following Levi out.

~~~~~

Arne wasn’t the only one whose training was to start that day, apparently.

“Commander Erwin wants you trained in defensive maneuvering and combat,” Gunther said as he stood in front of you, hands on his hips. “And who better to do so than us?”

You had ridden out with the Levi Squad to a nearby village, the buildings long since abandoned and quiet, standing in lonely camaraderie for a people that no longer dwelled there. A forest stood at the village’s edge, the harmonic tune of whistled songs, rustling leaves, and branches snapping coming from within.

Before you had left, you had attempted to talk to Captain Levi about the orders you had received as you walked to the stables. “I hope you plan on explaining the orders I’ve just been given,” you had said, but all you had gotten in response was a curt “Not here” as you passed a small flock of green cloaks.

Curiosity and temper burning, you kept both your assault of questions and the folded piece of paper tucked carefully away in your pocket for later.

Now you stood with your back to this unfamiliar forest, the heat of the late morning sun beating down on Levi and his team standing before you.

Petra walked over with a trunk pulled from her horse. She set it down by your feet. Inside was revealed to be ODM gear.

You laughed once. “You’re not serious?”

“What use will you be if you can’t keep up?” Oluo drawled from his nearby spot leaning against the stone siding of one of the houses. The stem of some weed he had plucked from the ground bobbed between his teeth. You scanned the faces of those around you. They were completely serious.

Levi stood near the horses, watching events unfold from afar.

“You need to learn just enough to get to those in need quickly,” Eld said logically. “And to get the hell out of a fatal position should you find yourself in one. We don’t expect you to fight any Titans.”

Petra nodded with a smile. “That’s what we’re there for. Now boots and jacket off.” In her hands was a complicated mess of leather straps. You hesitated a moment before kicking off the leather boots and sliding the jacket off.

She unfurled the leather straps and began wrapping them around your feet, legs, waist, back, and chest, buckling them securely around you. She then reached into the case and pulled out the ODM gear.

“Hold these,” she instructed, pushing into your hands two grips. She attached the rest of the gear to your hips and lower back, fastening it securely to the metal buckles and clasps sewn to the belts around your hips. It all felt much lighter than you had expected.

Instead of the typical metal scabbard that attached to either hip that held their blades, Petra instead buckled two large packs of the same shape, a tank of air strapped to the top of each one. She saw you eyeing them and smiled. “Courtesy of Hange. To hold medical supplies instead.”

Petra took the grips from your hands and attached them to the harness around your torso. She had you slip back into your boots and tug your jacket on. She took a step back and nodded in approval at her work.

You felt ridiculous.

Gunther stepped up. “Normally, new recruits are tested on their balance before ever getting to actually use the gear.”

“Not to mention years of practice to get used to its motion,” Oluo chirped in helpfully.

Gunther nodded. “Considering we don’t have the time for either, we’re just gonna have to hope you can do this,” he said. “And if you can’t…well, you better make it work. And fast.”

Great.

“We don’t need you to do anything fancy,” Eld reassured you. “Just the basics. Enough to get to someone in need or to get away. All that complex maneuvering that takes years to master is more helpful in a fight against a Titan.”

“And we’ve got less than a month to get you sufficient,” Gunther finished.

You felt overwhelmed from all their input all at once. “Don’t you all have more important things you need to be doing?” you asked as Gunther put his hand on your back and guided you to the mouth of the forest.

“We’re still on standby,” replied Gunther. “So until we get any additional orders, no.”

The mentioning of orders reminded you. “You’ve received your instructions from Commander Erwin then?”

“Yes, and it includes ensuring both you and Eren are fit to join us on this expedition,” Gunther replied, ignoring the insinuation of your question.

You looked up at the canopy of trees with reluctance. “Aren’t you scouts normally on horseback during your expeditions? Can’t I just stay on a horse instead?” Your attention caught on the captain as he passed by you and Gunther, walking into the cool shadows of the forest.

“Ideally you will. But you never know when your environment might change on you,” said Petra from behind. “It never hurts to be prepared.”

“Now stop trying to get out of this,” Gunther said. “Orders are orders.”

You looked over your shoulder to see four pairs of eyes staring back at you. You noticed Eren now stood by the horses. “Does this really require an audience though?”

“Oh, just ignore us!” called Oluo before adding more quietly, “We’re just here for the entertainment.”

Petra elbowed him hard in his side.

You turned back to face the forest and sighed.

Gunther carefully walked you through each component of the gear, explaining the purpose of each part and how it worked. He then nudged you into the forest. “Captain Levi will show you the rest. We’ll be back here if you need anything.”

“So I’m not to have an audience? Thank God,” you said, shaking out your arms and feeling slightly better.

“Thank Levi. He volunteered to be the one to demonstrate. Wanted us to hang back since it’ll be hard enough without everyone watching you too,” Eld said, shooting Oluo a look.

“Ah, well, there goes that reassurance,” you said dryly before walking into the forest and away from everyone else. You spotted Levi several feet away, leaning against the trunk of a tree with his arms folded in their usual position across his chest. You internally groaned. Why couldn’t it have been anyone else?

“My, I must be one lucky girl to be trained by the one and only Captain Levi. Who better than the best of the best, right? What did I do to deserve such special training?”

He pushed off the tree. “Hold your grips,” was all he said in return as he walked over.

“Straight to the point, I see.” You reached underneath your jacket and pulled out the grips. He took your hands into his and adjusted your hold on them. You stilled.

“Keep your index and middle finger on these two triggers,” he instructed, threading your fingers between the two metal apertures on the front side of the grips. You kept them rested lightly on the triggers, afraid to accidentally press one.

“Top one fires the wire and anchor,” Levi said, pointing to the top trigger. He moved his finger down to the second trigger beneath it. “Bottom one triggers the compressed gas.” He then pointed to the longer lever built in front of these triggers. “Hold this one to reel your wire back in. Releasing it will stop the reeling. It can act as both your propellant and your brake.”

He then pointed to the two sliding switches on the side. “Auxiliary switches. Top one is for releasing your fighting blades, which you won’t have, so ignore it. Bottom one contracts the blades of your anchor, allowing you to reel it back in completely. You use your thumb for those. And you also use your thumb for this one.” He lastly pointed to a joystick positioned closest to you that wiggled up and down. “The direction your anchors fire depends on where your hips are positioned, but this helps with the angle. It’s inverted though.” He pushed the stick down in demonstration. “This angles it higher.” He then pushed it up. “This angles it lower. Got it?”

You supposed so. It was shameful to admit, but you had become distracted as he spoke. It was the most you’ve ever heard the man talk and you found the tenor of voice to be quite…pleasant. When he wasn’t being so rude, and talking about something he was knowledgeable in, it turned out he was quite nice to listen to. You cleared your throat. “I think so,” you said. “Wire, gas, reeling, blade release, angle,” you reviewed, gently tapping each part with the correct fingers. Levi nodded in approval, bringing you further into the forest.

“Wire, gas, reeling, blade release, angle,” you continued to repeat under your breath, memorizing the locations with your fingers. You looked up at the canopy of trees doubtfully. The chances of you dying by ODM gear suddenly seemed a lot higher than death by Titan.

“I’ll make sure you don’t miss,” he said, sensing your thoughts. “Let’s just work on aiming the anchor for now.” He pointed to a thick branch roughly twenty meters overhead. “I want you to fire your anchors there and then hang from the branch by your wires. Remember, it’s all about timing the firing of your wire, reeling it back, and releasing the compressed gas, all of which work together to propel you forward. If you’re traveling, sometimes it’s enough to just keep firing and releasing the wires to keep you going once you’ve gained enough momentum.”

He tapped the wooden barrel on your hip. “This is where your anchors release from. So if you were to press the firing trigger now, it would shoot straight out in front of you. It’ll only stop until it connects with something, when you run out of wire, or if you press the reeling lever.” He skimmed his hand along the wire of the rail arm that connected the gear at your hips to the grip in your hand. “Right grip for right wire. Left grip for left wire. This way you can fire them independently and change directions mid-air.”

He stood behind you and placed his hands on top of yours, positioning his fingers above yours. You became hyper-aware of just how close he was standing. You felt his chest skim across your back with every one of his breaths. The back of your neck prickled and your focus quickly began to waver. And suddenly, you no longer minded so much it was him showing you how to use the gear. “With both grips, you’re going to press the top trigger while pushing down slightly on the back stick.” You felt his index finger gently press against yours as he pushed both your thumbs down on the stick. As the smooth skin of his fingertips brushed against yours, a shiver flashed past your wrist and up your arms.

“Then you’re going to press the gas trigger, and then the largest lever to reel yourself up.” He carefully pressed his middle finger against yours and then moved to delicately place your fingers on the long lever in the front of the grips. He kept his fingers rested on top of yours. “Prepare yourself. Usually firing the wires on its own can have enough kick and power to move you on its own due to the compressed gas needed to eject them. So you need to balance how much compressed gas you purposefully use. Releasing too much at once is not only wasteful but it can move you too fast and you’ll lose control.”

“So much to keep into consideration,” you said, feeling stressed. For more than one reason.

“There is. But it quickly becomes second nature the more you use it,” he said, taking a step back. You immediately felt the emptiness of the space behind you, and as if you could finally take a deep breath of air. “I want you to press the gas trigger lightly so you can get a feel of how much to press down.”

Threading your fingers back between the two apertures, you barely pressed down on the bottom trigger with your middle finger. The small amount of gas released from the exhaust on your lower back was enough to push you forward slightly and cause you to stumble a few steps.

“That’s about how much you’re going to want to press to get you airborne enough so you can hang from that branch,” Levi said. “The distance and speed you want to travel will determine how hard you press that trigger. For today, all you will need is that small amount.”

Levi positioned you back to where you were supposed to be, his hands going to your waist. “Hips parallel to the branch.” He shifted the positioning of your hips before returning his hands back to yours. “Thumbs here, bringing the stick slightly down. As soon as you press the fire trigger, I want you to then immediately press the gas trigger as lightly as you had before. It’ll only take a second for those anchors to make contact with the branch, so as soon as you press the gas trigger, you’re going to hold the longer lever. This will reel you upwards. Release the lever when you get about halfway up. From there, you’re going to hang, using the straps around your feet to help keep you balanced.” He paused briefly before adding, “Just as a warning, it all happens fast.”

Your brain spun at everything to keep in mind. “You’ll tell me what to press, right?” you said, looking doubtfully back at him. You froze. His face was much closer than you had expected. His eyes met yours and you could see the grey of his eyes were just various shades of blue mixed together. You sucked in a quiet breath.

He nodded once. “If you want.”

You whipped your head back forward, the back of your neck burning with heat. You took a deep breath, shaking your thoughts clear. “Okay. Angle, fire, gas, reel.” You visualized your hands: stick, top trigger, bottom trigger, long lever.

Levi stepped back once again. “Put one foot in front of the other and bend your knees, it’ll help. Go whenever you’re ready.”

Angle, fire, gas, reel. Stick, top, bottom, long.

You placed your right foot behind yourself. You adjusted your hips back to where he had positioned them earlier, the feeling of his hands still lingering on your waist. You shook the feeling away and bent your knees.

Angle, fire, gas, reel. Stick, top, bottom, long.

God you hoped you didn’t die from this.

And while having humanity’s greatest behind you was a reassurance that you weren’t likely to get hurt from this, the embarrassment that was likely to result would probably be worse than any possible injury. In which case, you found death to be preferable.

Before you could second guess yourself any further, you pressed down on the top fire trigger.

Everything happened at once.

The force of the wire ejecting was incredible. You felt it tug hard against the rail arms around your waist that kept it secure. While you had blind faith in it not breaking, you couldn’t help the dropping of your heart as if it had.

You quickly pressed the gas trigger as lightly as you had before at the same moment the anchor made purchase with the branch. You squeezed your fingers tightly around the long lever and you shot upwards.

“Let go of the lever!” Levi shouted from below. You immediately did as you were told.

The sudden stop caused you to flip backwards once, twice, three times. The world spun in a flash of greens and browns.

“Use your legs to swing upright!” you heard Levi call from below. “Feel the pull of the stirrup around your foot!”

As your body slowed in its rotation, you kicked your legs forward as hard as you could, just barely managing to get upright. However, getting there had been much easier than having to hold it you discovered as you struggled against your body from flipping around once again.

“Hold it! Hold it!” said Levi. “Use your abdominal muscles and your legs! Keep yourself just like that as long as you can!”

You squeezed your core as tight as you could. Already, your sides and ass and thighs and calves and ankles all screamed and quivered with exertion. Every tiny movement you made threatened to pitch you forward or backwards. You would compensate by just barely tilting in the opposite direction, the wires and straps sensitive to your every twitch. Despite your best efforts, however, you soon began feeling yourself tip forward, past the point of recovery. You let out a yelp as your body swung forward and the world tipped the wrong way once again.

You hung there, upside down, gently swaying back and forth as blood quickly rushed to your head. Of course, it was then you heard the sound of footsteps crunching on leaves as the others decided at that very moment to come into the forest to see how you were progressing. Oluo snickered when he saw you.

“A little help?” you said, watching as the ground below you stared dauntingly back.

Petra fired her wires next to yours and came to a stop beside you. She helped flip you back up the right way.

“Thanks,” you said breathlessly, feeling lightheaded as all the blood traveled back down your body. Petra held onto your arm to keep you steady.

“Not bad for your first time!” called Eld from below. You glanced down to see him grinning with Gunther giving you a thumbs up in approval beside him. Levi merely watched you with his usual expression, neither approving nor disappointed. You supposed it was something.

“I hardly had any real control over it,” you said quietly, out of earshot of the others.

“It’s going to take time to get used to the feeling. Our bodies don’t normally move in such a way and it takes a lot of training to become comfortable with it,” said Petra with a reassuring smile. “You’ll join our training sessions in the morning and we’ll help you get stronger. Between that and regular practice with the gear, I guarantee you’ll become more comfortable before we depart.”

“Are a few weeks of training really going to make such a difference in my ability?” you asked, doubtful. Soldiers were in the Training Corps for years, practicing and honing their skills before they were ever allowed into combat. How were you expected to keep up?

“You’re our surgeon, first and foremost,” said Petra as if reading your thoughts. “Your number one priority out there will be the wounded, not fighting or using ODM gear. And like you said before, you’ll mostly be on horseback anyways. But still, it doesn’t hurt to train you so you become stronger. Anything we can do in the meantime to increase your chances of survival during an expedition, we’re going to do. No matter how much of a difference it may make.”

“Thank you, Petra,” you said, feeling the doubt that squeezed tightly around your heart ease.

Petra smiled. “We train at dawn every morning.”


	13. The Romantic Woes of Marc Werner

He thought about her hands often.

The way they had felt on his skin, doctoring his wounds, tending to his pains. The way they had felt in his, smooth and delicate; and yet when they worked so unwavering and deft.

It had only been a week since Marc last saw her, but it had felt so much longer than that in his head. With every tug and pull of the wound on his side, he was once again reminded of her. That simple attraction he had felt for her that day quickly blossomed into something he reluctantly recognized. Something that caused his heart to lurch every time he thought of her.

Marc was never the kind of man to believe in love. He knew it existed, but the chances of it happening for him had always felt slim. Marc’s own beliefs simply aligned with that of the Scouts and had always been so much greater than his desire to settle down with someone. Love was just a flimsy thing, something that wasn’t always guaranteed in a person’s life.

Joining the Scouts was something that was absolutely attainable for Marc. Love was not. And so he had joined the Scout Regiment with the heavy resignation and acceptance that he was never to have a life partner. But he was okay with that.

He remembered a few years back, before the fall of Wall Maria, sitting at the kitchen table in his childhood home, papers for the Training Corps stacked neatly in front of him and a pen in his right hand. As the nib dripped a blot of ink above the signature line, his mother had come up from behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You still plan to join the Scouts?” she said, sorrow apparent in her voice.

“It’s the one thing I’m certain about,” he had replied, with all the conviction he could muster at sixteen years.

His mother had been against him joining the military ever since he had mentioned it months prior. And so for weeks she had been desperately attempting to negotiate with him, trying to get him to change his mind, or at the very least, choose a cushier position. “If you do well enough, perhaps you could join the Military Police instead, hun,” his mother said, not for the first time. Her grip on his shoulder tightened. “And even if you don’t make it to the top ten, I think our neighbor knows someone who could pull some favors for us. You’ll be safer in the Military Police. More comfortable.”

“The point isn’t comfort, ma. It’s not about just serving the king and those in the inner walls. It’s about doing what’s best for everyone.” Marc brought his pen to the paper and signed.

“What about starting a family?” his mother then said, switching tactics. “Don’t you want to be able to come home to them? Provide a better income for them?”

“I have no desire to start a family. And even if I did, I would rather them say that their husband and father went outside the walls and helped participate in something great, rather than stayed inside Wall Sina at the king’s feet in cowardice. That I thought of not only their future but everyone’s.”

“You speak as if there is no honor in being in the Military Police!”

“There is greater honor being in the Survey Corps.”

“Just…please think on it a little longer while you’re training, love. There’s still time to change your mind.”

But Marc didn’t change his mind. He had joined the Survey Corps the moment he completed his training years later and not once did he look back with regret.

The men and women in his life since then satiated his occasional bouts of loneliness, but never did he feel more than basic physical attraction and brief companionship before growing bored. After all, his heart had already been given to the Scouts and their cause. He had nothing more to offer the people in his life other than a few nights next to a warm body after some drinks.

But this woman. This doctor. She had done something to him.

And he had no idea how.

Their interaction had been brief, their conversation pleasant enough. But for some unexplainable, irrational, bizarre reason, it had held a much greater impact on him than he could have ever expected.

And for the first time, Marc wondered if he could get even just a tiny piece of his heart back from the Survey Corps so that he could give it to this person.

Perhaps he had been a tad bit forward that day, but Marc’s reasoning still held true. His life could be cut short at any moment as a soldier in the Survey Corps. The wound on his side from their last expedition was proof of that. And if he had the opportunity to marry such a beautiful and talented person, he was going to try and take it. Rationality and past convictions be damned. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to make that woman the happiest she’s ever been.

Three weeks remained before Commander Erwin’s next expedition. Three weeks before his life was in jeopardy once again. And so Marc planned to make the most of this time until then.

Marc knew it was too early to return to the practice to get his stitches removed, but he needed to see her again. He needed to make sure what he felt wasn’t just a fluke. That if he were to look upon her face again, he would feel once more what he felt that first day.

The morning Marc cashed in his latest paycheck, he purchased a modest bouquet and made sure to wear his cleanest shirt underneath his uniform.

Marc stopped outside of the wooden door of the practice. Carts and horses and people bustled behind him but all he could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his ears. Shifting the bouquet to one hand, he licked his fingers and smoothed down the hair on the side of his head. He knocked on the door.

Several heartbeats ticked by. He desperately hoped she wasn’t busy working. He wished to speak with her one on one, but he supposed if he must be patient and wait for her to finish, then he would.

When the door finally opened, his heart jumped. But instead of the youthful, beautiful face he expected, he was instead greeted with the old surgeon who Marc assumed owned the place. The man’s hazel eyes looked down at the flowers. “For me? You shouldn’t have!”

Embarrassment stained Marc’s cheeks. “I, uh, I don’t know if you remember me but I’m-”

“You’re the scout with the blade wound. I remember. Come in.” The surgeon opened the door the rest of the way for him to enter.

Marc stepped inside, the smell of antiseptic just as strong as he remembered. As he was led past the operating table and into the back study, Marc looked around for a sign of the other doctor.

“I assume you’re here for my colleague,” the old man said as he took a seat at his desk, placing his bifocals on the end of his nose and picking up the daily paper. He snapped it open.

Marc’s heart sunk as he realized she likely wasn’t there. Perhaps she had gone somewhere for the morning and would return later. “I am. Will she return soon?”

“I’m afraid she won’t. And won’t be for a long while,” he said from behind the paper.

“May I inquire about her whereabouts?”

“You may. Doesn’t mean I’ll have an answer for you though.”

“You mean you don’t know where she’s gone?”

“Not a clue. She’s gone wherever your commander has placed her.”

Confusion muddled Marc’s already scattered thoughts. “My commander? She takes orders from Commander Erwin?”

“Well, I certainly hope she does. She has a tendency to question or ignore orders she disagrees with. I’ve struggled for years with that girl, but if anyone can whip her into shape it’s Commander Erwin and Captain Levi.” He turned the page of his paper. “Although they do have their work cut out for them. May God grant them patience,” he added under his breath with a small chuckle.

“Captain…Levi?” Marc suddenly recalled the commander and captain arriving at the practice the same day he was here. He’d hardly thought much of it at the time. He had other things on his mind, after all. “She is with Captain Levi’s team?”

“Indeed she is.” The old man lowered his paper slightly, his eyes peering over the top. They flickered again to the flowers in Marc’s hands. “You’ve come to ask for her hand?”

“I, uh. Well…” Marc mentally shook himself. He wasn’t going to be some bumbling fool. He was a man and a soldier. One certain of his feelings and one who needed to prove his worth to both her and those in her life. He raised his chin and looked the surgeon square in the eyes. “Yes. I have.”

“You poor boy. I am so sorry,” the doctor said with a cluck of his tongue, his eyes full of deep sympathy.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Why? Why, because you’ll have to fight Levi for her! Best of luck to you, son, you’re gonna need it!” The surgeon disappeared back behind the paper.

Marc’s heart plummeted alongside his chances.“I… _what?_ ”

The paper quivered as the surgeon shook with silent laughter. “I’m only kidding. Maybe. Who knows. What do I know, after all? I haven’t been with them. Just call it father’s intuition.”

“I thought you weren’t her father.”

“Not technically, no. But close enough.”

This man was a nutter. Marc sighed heavily with frustration. “So she’s not with the captain?”

“No. Yes. She could be. Like I said, who knows. Regardless, you’ve got some stiff competition against someone like him. I know who I would choose.” The surgeon’s eyes appeared above the paper again. “No offense, son.” And back behind the paper he went.

Marc couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Captain Levi? The coldest man he knew was also vying for his doctor’s affections? This surgeon definitely had to be off his rocker. He must have heard something wrong.

The captain was undeniably talented and vital yes, but so…Levi. What anyone would see in a man like him, Marc had no idea. And Captain Levi having such affections equally threw him off. He was a short, bitter, harsh man whose role was suited to killing Titans, not finessing the hand of someone - someone Marc had fallen in love with, no less! No, Marc could not think of anyone more uncharismatic and unsuitable for someone like her. This old man definitely got something wrong. None of this made sense.

She deserved better.

The surgeon slowly edged his face from behind the newspaper. “You still here?”

“Apologies,” Marc mumbled, turning to leave. “I’ll be on my way.”

“Let me give you a little bit of advice before you go, son,” the surgeon said, folding up the paper neatly and tossing it onto his desk. Marc paused. “While I am unaware of your previous history, you seem like a well enough man with good intentions. And while I am sorry you wasted your coin on those flowers, I must be the bearer of bad news once again and inform you they would have been a waste even if she had been here. It’ll always be better to get to know someone a little better before diving headfirst into something like marriage. And while I understand your profession adds some urgency to your desires, it’s never wise to rush such things. What if you two ended up completely incompatible?”

“Well, I suppose there would have been only one way to find out, sir,” Marc replied, if not a bit bitterly.

The surgeon merely smiled politely in return. “My colleague’s private affairs really aren’t any of my business, but from all the years in which I’ve known her, what she needs in her life is a man or a woman with whom she could depend wholly on. She needs someone strong enough to shoulder her burdens and share with her the dealings of life and death she must constantly juggle in her hands. Although you _are_ an honorable man in the Scout Regiment, one who I’m sure has dealt with death on numerous occasions, what she really needs is someone with a bit more life experience, someone who can’t be so easily ripped from her. And so let me end with this: you are likely searching for a partner you can return home to after a long journey. But what my colleague needs is someone who can accompany her on _her_ journey. I mean no offense, but do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Marc mumbled. He couldn’t take any more of this humiliation. “I won’t take up any more of your time, Doctor.”

“Come back in a few more days and I’ll remove those sutures for you. No charge.”

“Thank you, sir. I will.”

The doctor looked at Marc levelly before saying, “Be careful out there, soldier. And I hope you find who you’re looking for. You deserve love no less than anyone else. And if you do manage to find it, don’t let it go.”

What Marc wanted to say then was that he _had_ already found it, but instead he just kept his mouth shut and nodded once before heading on his way.

Marc stepped out of the practice with his spirits wilting faster than the flowers in the hand. What was supposed to be a joyous and exciting day had quickly turned into a horribly embarrassing one. Marc handed the flowers to a random passerby before stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking away, his eyes downcast to the cobblestone street beneath his feet.

~~~~~

Everything hurt. Everything.

Every inch of your legs, abdomen, back, chest… Even muscles you hadn’t even realized you’d used hurt terribly.

You had continued the remainder of the day training with the others, gradually becoming accustomed to the gear and how it felt to move with it. After your initial attempt with the captain, the others had enthusiastically jumped in and given you advice. By the time the sun began its nightly descent, you had been trusted to use the gear on your own, gauging for yourself the distance and angle between you and your target. However, more times than not had left you embarrassingly on the flat of your back, your skin rubbed raw against your clothes and the gear digging painfully into your lumbar.

When you returned to headquarters that evening, sore and slow to move, Oluo clapped your back, causing you to stumble. “Not half bad today! I’d say you must be ready for dinner, but after all that dirt you managed to eat, you’re probably not all that hungry.”

You shot a glare towards Oluo. Petra stepped between you both. “Ignore him. You really did well, all things considered. Take a day of rest tomorrow. We’ll start back up after that.”

When you returned to the infirmary, you nodded faintly in acknowledgment as Bruin updated you on everything she and Arne had accomplished that day. You then dismissed them for the evening, encouraging them to go and enjoy a night of rest. Too exhausted to even change, you collapsed on top of your bed and fell asleep.

As you soaked in a hot bath early the next morning in an attempt to ease some of your soreness, you noticed faint bruising had already begun to form across your hips and up either side of your torso. Your fingers skimmed across the tender skin, and you winced involuntarily. Oluo wasn’t kidding when he said soreness was a common infliction. You hated to use the supply of salve on yourself, but with each movement made, you found yourself more and more tempted to dip into it.

After drying off from the bath, you took only a small amount of the salve and rubbed it across your stomach and down your legs. You pulled on a fresh pair of trousers, then reached for the belt still looped on the stained pair you had worn the day before. As you pulled the belt free, the orders from Commander Erwin you had pocketed fluttered to the floor. You picked it up, then looked at the clock mounted on the wall.

Much too early to bother him.

Although…

You quickly finished dressing, then left as fast as your sore legs could carry you, paper in hand.

You knew it was rude to bother someone at such an early hour, but it was the best chance you had before the opportunity evaded you once again. Having no grasp of Captain Levi’s schedule, you figured now was as good a time as any. As you turned the corner of the hall, you told yourself you would turn back around straightaway should there be no signs of him being up.

But sure enough, light filtered out beneath the crack of his door into the hall. You knocked.

“We need to talk about Commander Erwin’s plans,” you said the moment it opened.

Levi sighed before stepping back and opening the door further. You passed him. Despite the early hour, you noticed the bed was neatly made, the flames of the fire still healthy and crackling.

“I’m not sure if you recall, but I remember a very important condition to my joining was that I was to be protected by the Special Operations Squad as Eren’s doctor,” you started, stopping by the fireplace and turning to face him.

Levi closed the door behind him. “And you have been.”

“But not when it’s to actually count, right?” you retorted. Levi didn’t react as you held up the letter from Commander Erwin. “I noticed something interesting included with my orders. See, the other night at a dinner we had a scout draw out the formation the commander plans on employing. He had you positioned with Eren in the front right, between Commander Erwin and relay. But on _my_ copy of the plans, you’re located with enemy detection on the left flank.” You faced the diagram towards Levi. “So, not only am I not to have your protection during this expedition, but I’m not even allowed to know where you and Eren really are?”

“Based on your orders, you don’t need to know where we are,” Levi replied smoothly. “My focus will be on Eren. _Your_ focus will be on everyone else.”

“And if something happens to Eren and he needs me?”

“Then I will have someone on my team find you.”

You huffed in frustration, folding your arms together, the paper crumpling. “So I’m to take care of myself out there? With only a few short weeks of minimal training?”

“Erwin has assigned you your own team of capable scouts. They’ll be able to watch over you.”

“But they’re not you.” You then immediately shut your mouth, realizing you had spoken too much.

To your relief, he seemed unfazed by your slip-up. “Use your head, idiot,” he said unkindly. “If you stayed with my team, what use will you be to everyone else? Who can you help by riding with us? Don’t forget that Eren isn’t the only reason you’re here.”

“I understand that but-”

“So then there shouldn’t be any complaints, Doctor,” he interrupted. “You agreed to help with our wounded and that’s exactly what Erwin has assigned you to do.”

“My complaint isn’t with my task, Captain, my complaint is that my chances of dying out there has just grown!”

“You knew the risks when you shook Erwin’s hand.”

“Under the pretense that such risks would be lowered by joining your team!”

Levi leaned his back against the door, his hands going to his eyes to rub at them. When his face re-emerged, the shadows beneath them were darker, the space between his brows creased. “You’re annoying to deal with.”

“So are you,” you countered. “Just give me a straight answer, please. Why can’t I know your team’s position?”

“That’s a question for Erwin.”

“And if I ask him, will he give me an answer?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought,” you said, shoving your orders back into your pocket. “Why is it, Captain, that you and Commander Erwin came to Dr. Helfen’s practice to personally request our help?”

“I’m still trying to figure that one out myself,” Levi replied.

You exhaled loudly. “I’m just failing to understand how you can trust me implicitly with all the information regarding Eren, and yet I’m kept in the dark about everything else.”

“You’ll find you’re not the only one Erwin treats that way.”

“So this is typical for the Scouts then?”

Levi lifted his heavy gaze towards you. “Are you going to refuse to join the expedition if you don’t get your way? You have every right to, you know.”

You were taken aback by the question. It hadn’t even crossed your mind to not join them at all despite your disagreement with the orders. You had simply thought that changes could be made if you discussed them. You entertained the idea of not joining in that brief moment, but the immense guilt that would accompany doing such a cowardly thing didn’t sit right with you.

_A chance to do great things._

“No,” you answered honestly. “I’ll still join and I will save the lives of your comrades.”

Levi blinked once, then opened the door. “Then there is nothing further to discuss.”

Realizing that this conversation wasn’t going anywhere further, you sighed. As you passed him to leave you said, “Medical examination is this afternoon. Per Commander Erwin’s orders.”

~~~~~

Later that morning, back in the infirmary, you heard the sound of running footsteps alongside your name being sung loudly. You looked up from the handbook you were reading.

“There you are!” Hange exclaimed as they appeared in the doorway, panting. “I’ve got news!”

“Section Commander Hange! Long time no see!” said Arne, looking over from his spot at the scale where he was weighing himself. “Let me guess. You found out Titans are actually our brethren and we should befriend them?” He looked back to the scale, seeing the number the cursor was balanced on. He groaned. “I’ve gained two kilograms. How?”

“It’s all that bread you ate last night,” Bruin commented lamely from the desk, busy writing out exam templates. With the first of the medical examinations scheduled to begin that afternoon, you had instructed Bruin to draw up copies that outlined every aspect of the exam you were required to record. With this, you would be able to easily fill in results in an organized manner that would help streamline the process and allow for you to complete the many examinations required of you faster.

“I only had two!” Arne protested.

“Slices?” Hange said, distracted by their conversation.

Arne looked down in guilt. “…Loaves.” He stepped off the scale. “But in my defense, that Sasha girl had already taken three and I was still hungry and she was about to grab the last one, so if it wasn’t going to me it was going to be her and-”

“What’s your news, Hange?” you said, interrupting Arne.

“Oh! Right!” Hange flashed you a grin. “Levi has finally given his permission to start our experiments with Eren! And I’ve already got some ideas in mind. I want you to ride out with us for the first one!”

“When did the captain give his approval?” you asked, setting down the book.

“Just now!”

“And when do you plan on doing the first experiment?”

“Hmm, can you be ready to depart in an hour?” they replied.

So soon. But you supposed there was no point in wasting any time.

You nodded. “I’ll meet you by the stables.”

“Bring your supplies, just in case!” Hange said excitedly before disappearing.

You turned to the others. You hated to leave them alone once again, but there didn’t seem to be much choice. “Bruin, once you’ve finished with the templates, I want you to organize the records by the order of the scheduled examinations. Whatever order you think will be best within the individual groups, organize it in that way.”

“And what should I do?” asked Arne as Bruin nodded in understanding.

You looked towards Arne. “I need you to find clean, small jars. As many as you can. And once you finish that, I need you to make this chart. As big as you can.” You picked the handbook back up and opened it to a diagram you had bookmarked earlier. “Make it just like it’s shown here. Got it?”

Arne saluted. “Got it.”

~~~~~

“My plan is to start simple,” said Hange as your horses walked at a strolling pace between the Levi Squad and the members of Hange’s team. “See if we can’t get him to control his transformation. As we know, it’s caused by injury to himself, and while it would be preferable that it wasn’t the only method, it’s the only one we’ve got to work with.”

“Does the type of injury matter?”

“He bites his hand. But based on how he described the first time he transformed, there are likely other triggers. Hence why we need to be careful when he’s hurt.”

“And if he successfully transforms? What then?”

Hange smiled, jabbing their thumb in the direction of Levi. “That’s what he’s here for. With his team as back up, they’ll be able to incapacitate him, while I will be trying to learn as much as I can.”

After so many stories, you couldn’t help the shiver of thrill that passed through you at the prospect of seeing a Titan for the first time. You squinted your eyes against the bright morning sun.

“Where do you want me?”

“I need you at a safe distance away, but still close enough to provide emergency care if needed. Plus I need someone to discuss the results with right away!”

“And where do you plan on having him transform?”

“Between my many trips between here and Trost, I’ve spotted this well in a nearby village that’s been abandoned. Considering no one’s been there in some time, I’m pretty sure it’s all dried up. It should be able to hold Eren if we have him transform in there. At least I hope it will.”

“Likewise,” you commented flatly.

When the group arrived at the village, you recognized it as the same one from the previous day. Levi turned to his team and ordered them to stay inside the confines of the village for now. Hange ordered their men to do the same.

“This way!” Hange cheerfully said to you and Eren, guiding you past the edge of the wood where you had your training and to an open field that sprawled for miles behind the village. In the distance, you could see the stone well Hange had referred to.

Levi pulled his horse up beside yours. “You will stay here,” he ordered. “Eren will leave you his horse. Should he transform and escape the well, then you take his horse and immediately return to the village to the others. Hange and I will take care of him. Understood?”

You suddenly became more concerned for Eren rather than the captain. “You’re not going to kill him, are you?” you said warily.

“It’s not my plan to, but I can’t guarantee he won’t still need your services afterward,” Levi replied, hardly making you feel any better.

“Stay here,” he ordered again before riding towards the well with Hange beside him.

As Eren handed you the reins of his horse, you gave him an encouraging smile. “Best of luck, Eren.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Eren said in return. You watched as he jogged off towards Levi and Hange.

You watched events unfold from afar, the horse beneath you bobbing and snorting in mild impatience. Hange pulled from their horse a rope ladder, fastening one end to the edge of the well and dropping it down.

Eren leaned over and peered down into the well before swinging a leg over the edge. He spun around and grabbed hold of the ladder, soon disappearing as he carefully made his way down.

You could see Hange calling down to him but you were too far to hear what they were discussing.

Eventually, Levi and Hange returned to their own horses and galloped away, stopping roughly halfway between you and the well. Hange reached into the side bag of their saddle and pulled out a flare gun. They fired it and a stream of green smoke traveled across the sky.

You waited with held breath. Seconds ticked by.

Then a minute.

Nothing happened.

Levi quickly called off the experiment, hurrying back towards the well with Hange just behind him. They jumped off their horses and leaned over.

Hange looked over their shoulder towards you and waved for you to come over. You dug your heels into the sides of your horse and quickly joined them, Eren’s horse galloping obediently beside your own.

“What’s happened?” you asked, sliding out of the saddle. You looked down into the deep, empty well.

Blood covered Eren’s face and hands, a frenzied look stamped onto his face.

“He’s mutilated himself trying to transform,” said Hange, sounding stunned. “Eren! Climb back up!”

Eren stumbled over to the ladder.

As he climbed back up, you reached for your saddlebag. You pulled from it a large canteen filled with water and your medical bag.

When Eren’s head poked out from the top of the well, Hange extended out an arm and helped him the rest of the way. He dropped down onto his knees, eyes wide as he stared at his shaking, bloodied hands.

You knelt before him and calmly took them into your own. You had difficulty examining the extent of the damage from all of the blood that covered them. You let go of one of his hands to grab the canteen. You pulled the cork free with your teeth and poured the water over his skin, carefully washing away the blood. Pink water streamed to the grass, soaking the knees of both your trousers and Eren’s.

“What happened?” Levi demanded, standing over the two of you.

“I…I don’t know,” Eren said, clearly nervous under his captain’s stare. “I did what I’ve always done. But for some reason, it didn’t work this time.”

“Levi?” called Hange from a short distance away.

The captain turned and joined the section commander, their heads bending in quiet conversation.

As Eren watched them, his frenzied state quickly devolved into anxious disappointment. His breathing steadied. “Why couldn’t I do it?” he asked, more to himself than to you.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Eren,” you said softly. “It was only the first attempt.” You pulled out a clean cloth and patted his hands dry. You stared in silent horror at the damage he managed to inflict onto his hands. Puncture wounds that took the shape of his teeth covered them both, but what was even worse was the thumb of his right hand, which stuck out at an odd angle. Dark bruising already started to bloom at the base of the joint.

Blood quickly welled back up on the edges of the wounds. You poured more water over them.

“How much pain are you in?” you asked calmly as you put down the canteen and rummaged through your bag, pulling out supplies.

“I’ve felt worse,” he said, looking up at hearing Levi and Hange approach.

“Does the pain seem to be receding on its own?” you questioned. You wondered how quickly his regeneration was supposed to set in. Before, at the courthouse, it had only been several minutes between the time of Levi’s beating and when his tooth had regrown.

“No. It’s getting worse,” he answered.

Supplies laid out, you took his hands back into your own. The thumb had already swollen to twice its size and blood had once again pooled back out from the puncture wounds.

You quickly mended his left hand which had sustained fewer injuries. After soaking a gauze sponge with distilled alcohol and wiping his hand clean, you pulled free a stretch of bandaging. Red bloomed and stained the dressing faster than you could wrap it.

“You really did some nasty damage to yourself,” you commented quietly as you slipped two fingers underneath the bandaging to ensure it wasn’t too tight.

Next, you turned your attention to his dislocated thumb. “Fingers are very delicate and sensitive, so this is going to hurt quite a bit,” you warned. “I’ll count down from three and I want you to take a deep breath right at the end. That’s when I’m going to move it back into place, okay?”

Eren nodded. You merely brushed your fingers against the base of the thumb and he hissed in pain. “Remember, deep breath,” you said, getting your hands into position.

Eren closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. “Just get it done.”

“This could trigger him to transform,” Hange pointed out from behind.

“It isn’t healing on its own,” you replied. “We can’t just leave it as it is. It needs to be set.” You then looked to Levi, awaiting his instruction.

He stared down at the both of you, contemplating. “Do it,” he finally said.

You nodded once. “Thank you. Alright, Eren. Deep breath now. Three, two, one…”

Eren inhaled loudly through his nose just as a horrible tearing sound occurred as you forcefully moved the ligament. The quietest of popping noises sounded as you put the joint back into place. Eren cried out.

“The worst is over,” you reassured him as he panted in pain. Thumb back in its proper location, you wrapped it tightly, pinning it against his hand.

Eren swallowed loudly, a bead of sweat forming at his temple and rolling down his cheek. He looked up at his captain with the faintest hint of renewed determination. “I want to try again.”

“No,” Levi said. “We’re to return to the others. You will not attempt to change again until I give you permission, understood?”

Eren’s expression fell. “Yes, sir.”

You glanced between the two, keeping your opinion to yourself.

The group reconvened outside of the village for tea. A few of those in Hange’s charge milled around while you sat at a table with those of the Levi Squad.

As you recorded your encounter with Eren in your notebook, hand propped up beneath your chin, you noticed out of the corner of your eye Eren’s bandaged hands fidgeting with each other.

You studied him for a quiet moment before saying, “You know, whenever my mentor taught me about the human body, he would always say to me, ‘Anything you can think of that can go wrong with us, can and already has.’ You see, the way we work is so complex and intricate, the number of moving parts required to make us, us, it’s unfathomable even to our own brain. It’s actually more shocking that things tend to go more right than wrong, considering the infinite opportunities of something going wrong. I guess what I’m trying to say, Eren, is that we struggle to understand how our own bodies work most of the time, and now to factor in your ability, an even greater unknown, it’s not surprising that we’re going to be a bit clueless on how things work. There is something very intricate at play with your ability, something likely very sensitive, which means there’s going to be even more opportunity for things to not go as planned. And we mustn’t forget that this is all so new to you, as well. So please don’t feel disheartened.”

“Yeah, cheer up, Eren!” Oluo said. “At least we know now you’re not a complete monster. It’s good to know you’re more human than not.”

Eren looked up in surprise, glancing between you and the others. “You really think everything is okay?”

“Oluo could have said his piece a bit kinder, Eren, but they’re right,” said Eld. “All things considered, more things could have gone wrong should you have transformed. At least this way, everyone is still safe.”

“Which should be our number one priority,” Gunther added.

“And it’s not as though we didn’t learn anything,” you said. “We know now that inflicting injury on yourself can’t be the only factor in getting you to transform. That’s a valuable piece of information.”

Levi strolled over from his conversation with one of Hange’s men, tea in hand. He looked down at Eren’s hands. “They still haven’t healed?”

Eren shrunk under the captain’s gaze. “No, sir.”

Levi studied him for a moment before saying, “If you can’t transform, then there goes our plans for sealing Wall Maria. Figure it out. That’s an order,” completely undoing your entire pep-talk. You watched with mild irritation as Levi walked away. Petra left the table to join him in private conversation.

Based on Eren’s anxious expression, you knew he had taken the captain’s words to heart more than anyone else’s.

“It’ll be okay, Eren,” said Gunther. “Really.”

You put down your pen and reached into the bag behind you, pulling out a tin of prepared willow bark. You added its contents to Eren’s tea. “To help with the pain,” you said softly.

“Thank you,” Eren said, picking up his spoon to stir the tea. He gasped quietly in pain, dropping it.

Eld looked over. “You good?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he said, leaning over to pick it up from the grass.

The resulting blast launched everyone from the table.

Your breath was violently knocked away as you landed painfully onto the ground. You swore under your breath the moment you could gasp in a lungful of air. Slowly, you pushed yourself up onto your knees. All you could make sense of in that moment was the feeling of hot air rippling across your skin and a horrible throbbing pain in your shoulder. You looked up, disoriented.

You found Gunther standing in front of you, blades out. And in front of him was Eren, partially transformed, the rest of the Levi Squad surrounding him.

Panicked argument rapidly ensued, and in the distance you could hear the familiar sound of Hange, screaming with excitement.

As your vision cleared, you stared up in amazement at the half-formed torso of a giant beneath Eren. It wasn’t like anything you’d seen before. You desperately wanted a closer look.

You shakily stood, stumbling slightly once you got to your feet. With your balance somewhat regained, you attempted to walk towards Eren.

Gunther’s arm immediately shot in front of you, preventing you from getting any closer. You stared down at his arm, your irritation from earlier growing. You looked back up at Eren, finding the boy sitting on top of the torso, his right arm stuck in whatever was keeping it there. Based on his frightened expression, it was obvious he wasn’t going anywhere or about to try anything. However, that clearly didn’t matter to the others.

It was a shock to see them so upset, so angry, so…frightened. It was a whole other side to them, a side that was clearly fueled based on their past encounters with Titans. It was a stark difference to their normally calm and pleasant demeanors. You found yourself more thrown off by their panicked arguing more so than Eren’s partial transformation.

But no, there was one person who was still composed.

Although you couldn’t see him, you heard Levi’s voice from the other side of Eren’s torso, calmly commanding his team to back down. Although his team stayed in their current positions, the arguments only grew. The pounding in your head worsened.

You attempted to walk towards Eren once again, but Gunther’s arm was like a steel bar across your chest. “Let me by, please. I need to see him.”

Gunther turned his head to look at you. “Not until he’s proven he isn’t a threat to us.”

You gestured a hand towards Eren. “Just look at him! Listen to your captain! That should be proof enough!”

“We don’t know his intentions!” Gunther argued back. “He transformed without permission!”

“I hardly doubt he did it on purpose!” you spit back, your temper rising. “He’s clearly frightened and stressed! What is yelling at him going to accomplish? You’re only going to make things worse!”

“All of you! Be quiet!” Eren suddenly yelled, causing an immediate stop to everyone’s shouting.

“EREN!” Hange suddenly sprinted past everyone. “PLEASE LET ME TOUCH YOUR ARM! PLEASE!”

With Gunther distracted by Hange’s interruption, you swiftly ducked underneath his arm and made your way to Eren, the air becoming hotter the closer you got.

As Hange continued to beg Eren to touch his arm, you got a better look at the torso, ignoring the worried glare of Gunther behind you.

It truly was incredible. The right arm had completely formed minus the integumentary layers of the skin, while the skeletal structure of the thoracic cage was left exposed on the left side. For some reason, no arm had formed on that side. You counted. It seemed the torso only formed the seven vertebrosternal ribs connecting to the sternum and thoracic vertebrae, but nothing more.

You brought your attention back to the giant arm, your eyes traveling from shoulder to wrist, taking note of what had formed. Amazingly, _everything_ was there. It was as if it had been plucked straight out of a perfect anatomical diagram found in the libraries of Mitras.

You noticed the soft tissue of the muscle was a healthy red despite the absence of lungs and a heart. You became curious. Should you cut into one of the arteries would he bleed? The blood supply could not possibly be coming from Eren’s own heart, the arm itself was thrice his size! And what about the nerves of the arm? If you were to pluck at one, would he feel the pain? But since the arm did not move, was there even a nervous system connected?

Out of curiosity, you peered at the base of the thumb, wishing you could peel back the layers to see whether his ulnar collateral ligament was intact or torn from his injury earlier.

Your mind raced.

How?

_How?_

How did this all work? What was the connection between the right hand embedded in the torso and the right hand that formed? It had been the same hand Eren had used to reach for the spoon, but what did that mean for the transformation?

Your thoughts were interrupted by Hange howling in pain, cradling their burnt hand against their chest.

And why was it so hot?

Eren grunted as he forcefully pulled his arm free from the torso.

“WAIT!” both you and Hange yelled at the same time, but it was too late. Eren tumbled from the base of the trapezius, landing by Levi’s feet.

The torso began to smoke, the process of decomposition beginning immediately. You frantically looked around for your notebook, desperately hoping it hadn’t been shredded by the blast. You needed to write and draw everything down right away while you still had the chance.

You spotted it some distance away. You ran to it, scooping it up, and then circled around yourself, realizing you hadn’t a pen. You turned back and hopelessly watched as the body just…evaporated.

~~~~~

The moment the group returned to headquarters, Eren had excused himself from everyone and walked off. You had glanced at his hands as he passed over the reins of his horse to the scout currently tending the stables and noticed that the bandages had been removed, the puncture wounds completely gone, and his thumb no longer swollen and back to its proper location. You guessed that the partial transformation had triggered his rapid regeneration. But seeing as he didn’t need to transform to regrow the tooth Levi had knocked out, it hardly provided any more clues as to how such healing was initiated.

You wished to pull Eren aside and examine him, but after the whole ordeal you figured such attention on him would be unappreciated. Besides, with the scheduled examinations beginning that afternoon, you still had much preparation work to do. Thinking back to the schedule Bruin had drawn up, Eren’s medical examination was to be performed tomorrow anyway, giving him time to get some rest and sort out his thoughts. Bombarding him with questions and tests could wait. You tucked away everything you had learned earlier that day in the back of your mind to record later.

You rubbed at your sore shoulder as you returned to the infirmary, hoping it was just that: sore. You hardly could afford any kind of injury with so much left that needed to be done in the upcoming weeks.

“Hey, you! Welcome back! I got all those jars you needed, but I hardly see why you need so many,” Arne said as you entered, his feet propped up on the alcove’s desk.

You picked up one of the jars from the crate that sat on the infirmary’s main table and walked over to him. “I need them for urine. And you’re going to give the first sample.” You extended the jar out towards him.

Arne’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? Why? What are you going to do with it?”

“We’re going to study it. And I’m going to teach Bruin how to read it.”

“But, why?”

“Because uroscopy is a very important indicator of health. It’s going to be a part of everyone’s exams. And I don’t have much time to teach Bruin what to look for, so, pee.” You shoved the jar into Arne’s hand.

Arne looked around. “Here?”

“Wherever. I don’t care. Just get it in the jar.”

“Pushy,” Arne mumbled as he went into the other room to get what you needed.

With the sample returned, you carefully walked Bruin through the process of analyzing the urine, who dutifully took notes throughout the whole process.

As you prepared the infirmary for the first of exams, you quizzed Bruin. “Sample is the color of tea with apparent signs of blood and is foamy. You put it over the flame and proteinuria occurs. What is likely the issue?”

“Damage to kidneys. Or infection of the bladder.”

“And if you get urine that smells sweet?”

“Sugar sickness,” Bruin answered immediately.

You nodded. “Good.”

Arne clapped. “You’re such a quick learner, Reesey. I’m so proud.”

You flipped through the files Bruin had re-organized earlier. “Alright, we’ve got twenty-five examinations scheduled for tonight. With Bruin analyzing urine while I perform the exam, we’ll be able to shorten the time each scout needs to be here.” You looked up. “Arne you’ll be in charge of urine collection for the men, Bruin the women. I want that collected first thing. Exams will be performed in the privacy of the other room. Everyone understand?”

“Am I really just in charge of collecting pee?” Arne groaned.

“No, you’ll be in charge of cleaning out the jars as well,” you said, to his absolute horror. “We only have so many jars. I need them spotless before they’re used again. There will be no cross-contamination, got it?”

Bruin smirked at Arne’s sulking expression.

You took a deep breath. “Alright. Let’s get started.”

~~~~~

Miche Zacharius dressed behind your back as you recorded the last bit of information from his examination. You stamped APPROVED beside your signature. You placed the paper in his records and shut it. You reached for the next file. “Will you please fetch Captain Levi next?”

Miche pushed his arms through the sleeves of his jacket as he wordlessly made off.

It had already been a long day considering everything that had happened with Eren, and now as you finished your fifteenth examination, exhaustion was really beginning to set in. Your shoulder ached worse than ever and your fingers were cramping from all the writing. Considering the afternoon’s examinations had the least amount out of all the upcoming days, it was not good to be tired already. You looked over at the small stack of records remaining for the day. And then you looked over to the even larger piles next to those. You inwardly groaned.

The good news was that everything had run quite smoothly thus far. Bruin hadn’t had any troubles analyzing the urine and Arne managed to stay out of trouble, despite his constant complaints about cleaning out urine jars.

When Levi arrived, he stopped just at the threshold of the infirmary and said, “Where do you need me?”

“Captain! Welcome! You’ll be with me to start!” Arne said, his mood brightening immediately, clearly excited to see that Levi was next. He jiggled the empty jar in his hand. “I’m just here to make sure you don’t try anything funny!”

“Professionalism, Arne,” you reminded, narrowing your eyes at your helper.

“Right, right. Of course. I can be professional. Follow me, Captain.” Together they walked into the examination room, much to the obvious chagrin of Levi. The door closed behind them.

“I don’t trust Arne alone with the captain,” Bruin mumbled under her breath.

“If he’s not back out in a minute then we’ll rescue the fair maiden,” you replied, much to Bruin’s amusement.

“Which one?” she murmured back.

Arne slipped out of the room a few moments later, his task complete. He handed the jar to Bruin who immediately got to work.

Mentally preparing yourself, you picked up Levi’s thin chart and made your way over.

“Good luck! He’s cranky today!” Arne whispered loudly from behind. You shut him out with the door.

“Shirt and boots off, Captain,” you said as you entered. “Please.”

Levi followed your instruction without comment. You stopped beside the scale, keeping your gaze averted as a courtesy as he shrugged his jacket off his shoulders. There was the sound of boots clunking against the wooden floor as they were tossed to the side. Metal buckles clinked as his ODM harness came off, then the rustling of fabric as he removed his shirt.

You heard his bare feet stepping towards you. He stepped onto the scale without your prompt.

His focus stayed forward as you reached quite far above him, bringing down the rod from where it had measured Miche.

“Let me guess, I’ve grown,” he said flatly.

You couldn’t help your smile as you recorded the number. “You’ve gained weight if that’s any reconciliation?”

“How much?”

“…Half a kilogram.”

Levi stepped off the scale.

You nodded your chin towards the table in the middle of the room. “You can take a seat.”

He hoisted himself easily onto the table, his gaze on you heavy as you approached.

Putting the eartips of your stethoscope in your ears, you placed the other end on the left side of his chest. You listened and counted. You moved the diaphragm of the stethoscope slightly, then again, listening to each valve of his heart. A healthy beat except for the fact…

You raised a brow at him. “Nervous?”

“Just had tea,” he replied, his gaze no longer on you, his expression inscrutable.

“I see.” You moved the stethoscope to his back, listening to his lungs. Clear.

Putting down the stethoscope, you then palpated down his spine. Starting at the base of his neck and working your way down, you carefully felt each vertebra. No tenderness. No masses. Your eyes flickered down his corded back. No rashes, no apparent injures, nothing of note. Just the faintest of indentations from where his harness normally rests. “How old are you, Captain?” you asked. “Your records just state the day. Not the year.”

“Thirty-three,” he answered. “I think,” he added a short moment later.

You paused. “You think?” You returned to the front of him. Placing your hands beneath his ears, you felt for his lymph nodes on either side of his neck. Normal. You then gently guided his head to move at different angles. “You don’t have birth records, then?” you asked when you finished.

“No.”

You put a finger underneath his chin to tilt his head back. You instructed him to swallow. Nothing protruded.

“Open your mouth, please,” you instructed. He opened it. All teeth accounted for. No swelling of the throat. Nothing abnormal. “Where were you born?”

To your lack of surprise, he didn’t answer.

“Was it the Underground?” you asked.

His eyes flickered to yours, narrowing.

“The way you speak gives it away,” you said with a small smile. “I’ve been there several times for work, and I’ve noticed the people there have a distinct dialect. I can hear it when you speak.” As an offering of connection, you then said, “I would accompany Dr. Helfen to help with treatments or to collect samples for his research. Although, I was never permitted to join when he went to the harsher areas, even today.”

“Probably for the best.”

“It must have been difficult, growing up in such an area. The number of children I saw suffering there…I’m sorry if you had to go through that.”

“I’m not.”

Your cheeks warmed with embarrassment. “I didn’t mean…I suppose it must have made you into the person you are today. Which, from what I’ve seen so far, isn’t all that bad.”

“You haven’t been around me long enough, then.”

You weren’t quite sure how to reply to that, so instead you continued on with the exam, picking up the nearby burning chamberstick and bringing it to his eyes. You watched as his pupil constricted beneath the light. No abnormalities or signs of cataracts. You brought the flame to the other eye. You stopped yourself before you could admire the color under such a light. _Professionalism_ , you firmly reminded yourself.

“Do you ever have issues with your vision?”

“No.”

“Cover your left eye with your left hand and read off the chart over there.” You pointed towards the chart you had Arne make. When you had hung it up earlier, you were pleasantly surprised by the quality. It seemed that despite his quirks, he was able to work efficiently when ordered.

After testing his vision and his basic reflexes, you had the captain lay down on the table.

Levi swung his legs onto the table and laid back. You looked down at the cut form of his torso, the lean muscle that bulked up an otherwise slender frame.

_Professionalism_ , you scolded yourself for the second time. He looked no different from any other of the soldiers and to start admiring this one, for no apparent reason, was completely unacceptable.

“Let me know if there’s any pain or tenderness,” you said softly before palpating each area of his abdomen, making certain to touch him no more than was necessary. Your eyes flickered across his skin for any abnormalities, but just like his back, there were only the faint markings from his harness. You moved to his legs next, lifting each one and testing the rotation of his hip, his knee, his ankle. “You can sit up now,” you said as you finished.

As he did so, you picked back up his chart and your pen and recorded the results of the exam. You brought forward one of the questionnaire sheets Bruin had prepared earlier.

“Any current medications?”

“No.”

“Any allergies?”

“No.”

“Any previous injuries or illnesses?”

“No.”

“Any history of illness in your family?”

He didn’t answer. You looked up from the chart.

“No,” he finally replied. You wrote down his answer.

“Are you currently sexually active?”

“No.”

“Do you frequently consume alcohol?”

“Doesn’t affect me.”

You raised a brow. “At all?”

“Not at all.” Interesting. You noted it down.

“Consumption of any drugs?”

“No.”

“Do you have any current health complaints for me today?”

“No.”

You then walked to the door and cracked it open. Bruin was already waiting on the other side, results in hand. You took them and looked them over, then finished writing in his chart. “You’re dismissed, Captain. All cleared.” You signed off on the bottom of the day’s notes and stamped APPROVED beside it. You exchanged his chart for the next one with Bruin. “Please inform Dieter Ness that they’re next.”

Levi hurriedly stepped into his boots and replaced his shirt and jacket in seconds, tying the cravat around his neck as he swiftly left without another word.

“He was quick to leave,” Arne noted lamely.

He certainly was, you couldn't help but silently agree.

~~~~~

As Levi walked through the halls, he couldn’t shake the way her hands had felt on him. They had been brief, professional touches, but Levi knew he would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t enjoyed the way they’d felt. When her ministrations ended so soon, he was surprised to find himself disappointed.

He wanted to feel more.

He wanted to feel those touches with a different purpose behind them.

Levi chided himself for allowing his thinking to go down that road. Despicable.

It was bad enough she increasingly invaded his thoughts when his focus needed to be elsewhere, needed to be on Eren and his team. And now to think of her in such an unprofessional way, it irritated him more than anything. He wished he could just turn it all off. He wished for some semblance of control to return.

He should never have made that silent promise to himself.

As Levi stepped out into the bailey, he spotted Ness in the distance cooing to his horse.

“Ness, she wants you,” Levi said as he passed.

“Who does?” Ness looked around himself eagerly. “Is she cute?”

Levi gave him a cold look. “Our physician. In the infirmary. Don’t get any ideas. It’s just your physical.”

“Oh.” Ness deflated, then turned back to his horse. “My sweet Charrette, I must depart. But I’ll return to you soon, I promise.”

Levi ignored the man’s inane ramblings as he guided his own horse away by the reins. He needed to go for a ride.

And a long one.


	14. A Daughter, A Father, A Letter

A serene night. A moment of granted peace bestowed on those who so very rarely experienced such. Silence stilled the air with the briefest of interruptions. The scuff of a leather boot pausing, the pitched creak of metal being lifted, the dribble of kerosene filling the bowl of a lantern. Then, a flicker of another’s flame. A hushed sigh of air as the flat wick is set alight; a single soldier in a row of many upon the wall, doing its part to nudge back the invading darkness of a chilled night.

But, more importantly, the sound of a pen’s scratch against paper.

The brush of fingers on blonde hair as it’s tucked behind an ear.

_Dad,_

_I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been quite some time since we’ve last seen each other, and I’m very sorry for not writing more frequently. My time with the Scouts keeps me very busy and so I find it harder to come across a moment where I can properly sit down to write._  
_Do you remember how mam would always say to never fear loneliness since silence is the best listener? I never really got what she meant by that, but as I find myself faced with silence more and more often, I think I now understand. Silence forces my thoughts to speak, and its patience is infinite as it listens to every fear and hope and desire with no judgment or criticism. The same way you and mam would always listen._  
_I think about mam a lot these days._  
_I miss her terribly._  
_I miss you too._

A plop of ink as the pen travels from well to page.

_My total number of kills is now up to 58 - a number I’m very proud of. And while of course I don’t wish to discount myself entirely, I feel like I owe some of my success to Captain Levi._  
_It’s still so strange and surreal to me; to think that someone like the captain looked at me, my statistics, my abilities, and then decided that I was necessary for his goals and that of the Scouts. A man like him needing and wanting my help? It’s the biggest honor one could receive in the Scouts._  
_I still don’t think I can properly describe what I felt the day I was pulled from the barracks. The day I had been escorted to Commander Erwin’s office, fearing I might have done something to upset him. But then as I walked in and saw Captain Levi standing beside the commander, his gaze expectant, his posture so sure, I knew then an opportunity was coming. And then to hear the captain’s voice personally request me to join his team - I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more accomplished than in that moment._  
_I wish for you to know, that whenever I feel overwhelmed out in the field, when hopelessness is my most overwhelming emotion, I always think of that same expectant look he had that day, and it motivates me every time to do my best for him, the Scouts, and for you._  
_I know you’ve heard many stories about the captain. He is as level-headed as he is temperamental with his blade and with his decisions. It’s extraordinary his talent, and I know you would be so impressed. However, to see such would mean you were in harm’s way, and that’s a chance I would never take. So you’ll have to take my word for it._

A deep inhale, a heavy sigh.

_Captain Levi has always been reluctant to speak to me about his past (or to anyone in the team, really), but as I’ve come to work with him over time, slowly he has been opening up to me. I suppose this sounds quite sentimental, but I can’t help but feel so happy when he does. I suspect his heart is heavily burdened by whatever sins he may have committed before joining the Scouts. But I know despite this, and despite his rumored past, Captain Levi is the most honorable man I know. And I can’t think of any person whom I would rather serve under._  
_I know when I look back on my life, if there is a single choice of mine I made without regret, it was the choice to devote myself to him. And while I suspect he won’t need it, should the time come, I will easily lay down my life for him without a second thought. If it should mean that he survives another day to fight the fight he was so clearly born to participate in, to serve and protect humanity, so that you may live free from Titans for another day, then I do such without reluctance._  
_For there is only him._

The chime of a clock as the hand signals a new hour.

_Our most recent assignment is our most important one yet. We’ve had a young new scout placed in our charge, and it is up to us to ensure everything runs smoothly with him. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it really is quite important._

The rub of a thumb against skin, across a crescent imprint of teeth.

_I wish to tell you more about him, but I’m afraid I’m not allowed to. Perhaps in time I’ll be able to introduce you, with Captain Levi by my side. I think you’d find both their tales fascinating._

_I hope you’re proud of your girl._  
_I love you._

_Your daughter,_  
_Petra_


	15. All This for a Bag of Sugar?

Logically, it made sense. They were soldiers, after all. But it was still impressive nonetheless, the fact that the men and women you examined were quite literally the healthiest people you had ever encountered. Commander Erwin would be pleased, you couldn’t help but think, to have almost every scout available to participate in the upcoming mission. Rarely did you need to reach for the rejected stamp, but there had been a few exceptions.

One woman, for instance, had expressed to you her concern about missing her courses twice in a row. After an additional exam of her pelvis and finding the tissue of her cervix and labia a transitional violet color, you had a lengthy discussion going over all her options. The two of you eventually came to an agreement.

You stamped REJECTED on the inside of her file alongside your signature stating, _‘Likely gestation, around nine weeks. Until confirmation of further fetal growth, Ms. Kaur should still refrain from participation in all Survey Corps duties that cause physical strain, including riding horses and use of ODM gear. Ms. Kaur should be able to return to active duty once the pregnancy has ended. Referred patient to Elisa Kiviranta, a renowned and well-qualified midwife in the Krolva District.’_

Another occurred the following day when a young man had taken off his shirt, exposing a bandage wrapped around his upper arm that was stained yellow and had become wrinkled with moisture. After recording his height and weight, you immediately set about his arm.

“Would you mind telling me about the injury to your arm?” you asked as he hoisted himself onto the examination table.

The soldier looked down at his arm as if it were the first time he was seeing it. “Oh, this? Close call in Trost. Wires got tangled with a Titan’s arm and I fell pretty hard on a weathervane on someone’s roof. Ripped my arm open.”

“May I?” you said, bringing your fingers to the edge of the bandage.

He shrugged. “Be my guest.”

You began unraveling it, the dressing sticking to itself in a way that clearly indicated seepage from the wound hiding beneath. “When’s the last time you’ve changed this?”

“I haven’t.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t occur to me.”

You bit back a comment, then a gasp as you peeled aside the last of the bandage. The smell that hit your nose was putrid, the sight equally as horrid.

“Who sewed this?” you said, resisting the urge to cover your nose.

“My buddy. Medical base back in Trost was at over-capacity. There was no one else.”

“And does your friend know how to put in sutures?”

“He said he did.”

Clearly his buddy hadn’t. From the few sutures you could see beneath the horrible scabbing, the knots had been tied way too tight. The skin that was pulled together had become swollen and puckered and irregular. The rest of the wound on either end of the laceration had burst open, the tissue clearly angry with infection as it seeped yellow pus mixed with blood, the edges of which showed the faintest sign of black necrotic tissue.

“Has this not been painful for you? Why haven’t you brought this to someone to look at sooner?”

“It only hurts when I move my arm. Figured it would get better on its own over time.”

You shook your head. “No, the opposite. You’re at serious risk should this infection spread. You’re lucky we caught it at this stage where we can still fix your arm.” You went to the door and poked your head out. “Arne!”

Arne snapped to attention where had been leaning against the wall, conversing with Bruin. “Yes?”

“I need you to go to the kitchens and get me sugar.”

“Sugar?”

“Yes, sugar. I need it for my patient.”

Arne tilted his head slightly. “I can certainly try, but they’re not gonna like me taking it. We’ve got so little of it.”

Unfortunately, you were already aware of this. You were having trouble yourself getting a small supply for Eren’s experimental plates. Twice you had been caught trying to take some, and twice you had been forced to return it despite your explanation that it was for Eren. “I’ll not have you takin’ what’s not yours!” the Scout’s cook Siggy had harshly scolded, snatching away the small satchel you thought you had covertly picked up. “This sugar is for when we have special visitors, not for your silly experiments on that boy!”

You hadn’t tried again since, afraid of the consequences should you get caught a third time, but there was an idea you had been tossing around in your head you had yet to try. An idea you had been reluctant to use up until now. The patient behind you needed it, you justified. The sugar would go to better use on this man’s arm than in some random higher-up’s tea and biscuits.

“If the cook gives you trouble, then tell him Captain Levi has given his approval,” you said. “And unless he wants to deal with Levi, then he should give us over a bag. The captain’s got that kind of pull, does he not?”

“Well, sure he does, but, um, can I do that?” Arne looked questioningly over at Bruin who shrugged. “What if Siggy makes a big deal about it and Captain Levi finds out?”

“If it comes to that, then I will deal with the captain. Just, please, Arne, we need it. It’s important.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll give it a shot. But just know if I come back with my hands cut off for theft then you get to sew them back on.”

“Fine, agreed,” you said in reply.

The corners of Bruin’s full lips twitched up as she swirled a urine jar above a flame. “Best of luck, Gervas.”

Arne swallowed audibly before adjusting his jacket and striding off.

Keeping your expression neutral and taking only the tiniest of breaths through your nose, you returned to the scout’s side and carefully re-examined the area of damage, deciding on a plan of action. “Good news is that I can fix it. The not so good news is that it’s going to hurt quite a bit to do so. I don’t have any local anesthetic and I’m fresh out of whiskey,” you said to him. “I’m going to remove the sutures that are still here first. Then we can see how much healthy tissue is actually left to save, as well as how deep your cut goes.”

Pulling from your personal supplies you had brought with you from Sina, you unraveled a black pouch and scanned the row of instruments before you. You selected from it a pair of tiny suture scissors and tissue forceps. You set them down on the exam table.

“Are you ready, soldier?” you asked as you washed your hands thoroughly.

He nodded once. “I’m ready.”

“Please let me know if the pain becomes too much.”

After holding them above the flame of a nearby chamberstick, you slipped the tiny hook of the scissors beneath one of the sutures, wiggling it beneath the tight tension of the knot. Once under, you snipped the thread and then pulled it free with the forceps. Down the line you continued until all were removed.

Taking the iodine solution the commander had graciously provided, you set about cleaning the wound, wiping away the accumulated blood, pus, and scabbing.

Taking a fresh scalpel blade, you sliced into the skin that had fused too tightly together, opening it back up. Adjusting your hold on the blade, you then carefully sawed away the bits of necrotic tissue that had formed around it, aiding the dead tissue in its process of sloughing off.

The scout took everything with an impressive, steely demeanor. Not once did he flinch or hiss in pain, though you noticed his hands had balled into tight fists, knuckles white.

“If I had alcohol with me I would have offered you some,” you said quietly as you took the forceps again and tested the tension of his skin, pulling it across the wound and determining how much you had to work with.

“No worries. I plan on finding some after this,” the scout replied, his strained voice the only other indicator of the pain he was feeling.

Taking the scalpel again, you intentionally cut away the edges of the wound, removing the dermal tissue that was damaged from such taut suturing. You then pulled back the edge of his skin with the forceps, slipping your delicate blade beneath the dermis and sawing away the connection between his skin and the thin sheath covering his bicep muscle.

The scout cleared his throat as you worked. “What happened to it? Why is it like that?”

“Well, your friend who closed you up tied the knots too tight. This caused your wound to heal improperly because there was too much pressure being applied to the area. Essentially, he caused another wound on top of the one you already had. They also failed to stitch up your muscle. So that, in combination with a lack of wound care has caused it to become infected and your skin to decompose.”

“Fuck, seriously?” the scout said, looking back down at his arm.

“Seriously,” you replied.

“You can definitely stop it right?”

You nodded. “I’m removing the damaged tissue that has no chance of healing. Closing it back up with the proper tension should fix the damage that’s been done and encourage proper recovery.”

“Damn. Well, thank you.”

You gave him a small smile. “We’re not done yet, but you’re welcome, nevertheless. Just do me favor and make sure your friend doesn’t try to stitch you back up again, deal?”

He returned your smile. “Deal.”

You washed the open wound with sterile water and carefully patted it dry with a strip of cloth that had been boiled for sterility. Scrubbing your hands clean for a second time, you then pulled out a spool of suture, a tiny crescent needle, and a pair of needle holders. Threading the suture and needle together, you set about closing the laceration to his muscle.

“Never again will I risk my neck for a sack of sugar!” you suddenly heard Arne exclaim from the other room.

“What’s he on about?” said your injured scout, twisting his neck curiously towards the door.

“I asked him to get some sugar from the kitchens. I wonder if he succeeded in his quest,” you murmured as you gently pulled the thread through a portion of his bicep.

Your answer quickly came when Arne knocked loudly on the door before yelling, “I’ve got your damn sugar! It better be worth it!”

“You can bring it in,” you called, your concentration on the work before you unwavering. “What happened?” you then asked as Arne came over and dramatically placed a bag of sugar beside your elbow with a loud thud.

“What happened? Oh, I’ll tell you what happened! So there I was, schmoozing Siggy up like a champ and- God, fuck, what is that awful smell?” Arne coughed and gagged, bringing the collar of his jacket up to cover his nose.

“Infection,” you answered. “Please continue.”

Arne took a step back, keeping his jacket in front of his face, his voice muffling behind the fabric. “Right, so, as I was saying, there I was talking up a storm with Siggy. Asking what he was making for dinner, complimenting his amazing cooking abilities, you know, warming him up. And all was going well….”

“…Until?”

“Until I mentioned the sugar! See, once I’ve got him buttered up, I then say to him, _‘Hey man, I heard we got lucky with our supplies this month and we’ve scored some sugar. Mind if I take some?’_ ”

“Mmm, a direct approach tactic,” you replied as you pulled the suture through muscle once again.

“Yes, exactly! I figured just asking him was the best way to go because man’s got this big butcher knife and I like having hands. I know they say it’s easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission, but he doesn’t seem like the forgiving type. I’ve seen the dirty looks he gives Sasha whenever she comes into the kitchens.”

“Focus, Arne,” you said, redirecting him as you knotted a suture. “What happened after you asked?”

“Right. Well, of course Siggy immediately says no and starts laughing as if I said the funniest thing ever. Just like Reesey does! So then I try your tactic, right? So I say, _‘Well, I’m afraid you can’t really say no because Captain Levi has approved the medic team getting as much as we need.’_ Then Siggy immediately stops laughing and goes, _‘Is that so? I haven’t heard nothin’ from him.’_ Now I start to get a little nervous ‘cause I’m not so good with these kinds of things and this man seems really protective over his sugar. So I just say the first thing that comes to mind which was, _‘Well, I wouldn’t disobey the captain’s orders. But if you want to explain to him why you went against his approval, then go right ahead.’_ ”

“Bold, I like it,” you said. “Convincing.”

“I thought it was good too! Until I see Siggy’s face change and now he’s got this mean, feral look in his eyes. He then says, _‘Too bad Captain Levi has no say in the supply lines, especially when it concerns my supplies! I don’t order him around and he don’t order me around! I’m not on that fancy squad of his.’_ ”

“Sheesh, why so bitter?” you commented as you finished the last of the suturing on the scout’s muscle, snipping away the end of the thread. You then switched over to closing the skin, threading a fresh line of catgut through the needle.

As Arne spoke, your patient watched him with rapt attention, jaw slack. At least Arne was able to provide the scout with a helpful distraction away from your painful ministrations.

“Who knows. So anyway, I then say, _‘Hey man, there’s no need to get so testy over some sugar. We need it for an injured patient and it’s vital we have some.’_ Siggy then says to me, _‘I don’t think you realize just how vital that sugar is for me. And whose patient? Is it that doctor? The one who keeps trying to nick my sugar to test that Eren boy’s spit? First she needs it for that nonsense and now on an injury! Unbelievable!’_ ”

“Oh, get to the point already, Arne!” Bruin called from the other room.

“Right, right. So during all his ranting, guess who walks in then but none other than Captain Levi himself! Now I’m ‘bout to piss my pants right there and then. Of course he notices the commotion going on between me and Siggy and comes over, asking what was going on. So I explain the situation and I mention you and how you need it for an injury. Captain then asks what for and I have no fucking clue so I just say _‘Doctor’s orders.’_ Then Siggy says, _‘And apparently yours too.’_ Then the captain narrows those scary fucking eyes of his and says, _‘My orders?’_ and now I’m in fucking trouble. Absolutely fucked. I almost bolted right there and then.”

“But clearly you didn’t, since you came back with the sugar,” you observed, poking the needle through the scout’s skin, reclaiming it with your needle holders, and pulling the thread through.

“I sure didn’t. Instead I send a prayer up to Sina for her blessed luck, hoping beyond hope that Captain Levi would catch on as I say, _‘Yeah, don’t you remember? When she requested sugar and you said she could have as much as she needs since Commander Erwin personally requested her help? After all, she knows best with what she needs to help us.’_ ”

You couldn’t help the smirk that played on your lips at hearing that. He technically wasn’t wrong…

“Well, it’s clear Captain Levi does not like hearing that, not one bit,” Arne continued. “So just when I think the captain’s gonna call me out, he suddenly walks over to the kitchens’ supply closet and comes back out with a bag of sugar, shoving it into my arms. Now Siggy’s really pissed. He starts yelling and complaining and asking Levi where he gets off from doing such a thing. Levi then tells Siggy to stop his incessant whining, but Siggy continues to make a big fuss about the price of the sugar and how valuable it is. And you know what Levi says next to Siggy?”

“What does he say?” your patient asked for you, his eyes bright with enraptured attention.

“ _‘I’ll make certain she pays for it. So sit down.’_ ”

“What did he mean by that?” you said as you finished the last of the suturing.

“I have no idea. Didn’t ask. I just hauled ass out of there while I still had my hands.”

“So if everything worked out fine, why are you still so panicked?”

“Because I lied! And not only that but I lied _about_ the captain _in front_ of the captain! He is not going to appreciate what happened, and frankly, I know what I said before about being on the end of his blade but now that it’s actually going to happen I don’t think I want it. I’d rather not be punished by him, thank you. I heard what happened at the trial!”

You set down your instruments and wiped your hands clean on a fresh towel. “Captain Levi is not going to punish you with his blade over a sack of sugar, Arne. Like I said before, I will take full responsibility for involving the captain. I will explain the entire situation to him and if I need to pay for what I took, then I will. No one will be punished, everything will work out. It’s just sugar.”

Arne seemed to visibility relax a bit at hearing that. “Right, it’s just sugar.”

You smiled. “Still, thank you for getting it for me at great risk to your hands. It’s much appreciated.”

Arne crossed his arms. “You mind explaining to me why you even need it so much?”

Your smile widened. “Certainly. Raise your arm for me, soldier,” you instructed the injured scout. He lifted his arm until it was straight with his shoulder. “Good. Stop there. Come here, Arne, let me show you.” As Arne stepped forward, you pointed to either end of the closed incision where some of his skin had been left open, the tissue an angry red and shiny with moisture. “See these areas? The damage to this part of his arm is caused by infection, not by the original wound. The damage isn’t deep enough where I can suture it closed and even if I did, the infection would just eat away at it anyway. So…” You scooped up a handful of sugar and sprinkled it on top of each infected area of open tissue. “Sugar dries out the wound and helps get rid of the infection. It also helps the tissue to start granulating which helps it heal faster.”

Arne whistled low. “Damn. Never knew.”

“Now you see why I needed it.” You sprinkled a second layer of sugar before taking a fresh roll of dressing and wrapping it around the scout’s arm. “After the rest of your physical, soldier, I’ll be sending you with your own supply of bandaging and sugar. I want you to change it twice a day for three days, applying the sugar as I’ve just done before putting on the new bandage. After that, you’ll only need to change the bandaging once a day. Once your arm begins to scab, you’ll no longer have to use the sugar. I’m also sending you with some willow bark for you to brew in tea to help with the pain. If the pain worsens, you develop a fever, or it continues to bleed or leak pus, find me right away. Unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience approve you for the next expedition. Your arm will not be properly healed by then and I’m afraid exerting it will only undo any progress you make until then. Understood?”

The scout nodded, though disappointment was evident on his features.

“Good. If everything goes well, return to me in about two weeks so I can recheck your arm and remove some of those stitches for you.” You then turned to Arne. “I need to finish the rest of his exam if you wouldn’t mind returning to Bruin.”

“Right, of course. Sorry about the bad news, man,” Arne said to the scout, clapping him on his good arm before taking his leave.

By the end of it, you stamped REJECTED on the scout’s file before sending him on his way with ten rolls of bandaging, a small tin of willow bark, and a packet of some of your valuable sugar.

~~~~~

“Werner! There you are,” snapped his squadron leader when Marc arrived at his team’s rendezvous location just outside of Trost. “What’s with that look? Wipe it off.”

Marc hardly understood his leader’s impatience. He was exactly on time, even though he may have been the last to arrive. And despite having spent the last two days licking his wounds from his humiliating interaction with the batty doctor, he thought he cleaned up pretty well as he returned to service. Especially in comparison to some of his other squad members, if their red eyes and sallow cheeks were of any indication.

“Sorry, ma’am. I was just taking care of something,” Marc replied, stepping up beside his comrades. They glanced at him from the corner of their eyes.

His command studied him from a moment before saying, “There’s been a slight change in plans. While I had originally wanted to get a head start at Karanes, I’ve just received notice that we’re to have medical exams updated at the Regiment’s old headquarters. The moment everyone’s received their exam, we then depart for Karanes. It’s an annoying delay, but one sanctioned by Commander Erwin so we’ve no choice. We leave first thing tomorrow morning.”

She then handed them each a notice, detailing their required presence for the physicals.

Marc read the name of the doctor performing the examinations.

It seemed his luck was to turn around after all.

~~~~~

_All findings on the routine medical examination were normal except for a laceration wound presented on the right brachium. Injury was obtained ten days prior from falling on a weathervane. Laceration had been closed by another person with interrupted sutures that had been tied too tight resulting in tissue strangulation and devitalization of the epidermis. Laceration to the bicep brachii had not been closed. Pressure from the sutures also resulted in postoperative wound dehiscence on either end of the suture site. Apparent signs of infection. Risk of sepsis high._  
_Sutures were removed, necrotic tissue sloughed off, and debridement of the injured epidermis was performed. Wound was lavaged twice; the first with an iodine solution on the intact skin, the second with an irrigation of sterile water for the inside of the wound. Fibrous septae was undermined to ensure proper closure. Laceration into the bicep brachii was closed with a combination of Jaeger-Kusela and perimeter stitches. Three-layer closure with interrupted stitches was used for the epidermis. Granulated sugar applied to areas of dehiscence. Unable to provide antibiotics due to current unavailability. Wrap bandaging applied around arm. Willow bark for pain management._

_——_

_Hange’s medical examination was completed today. It had been delayed from their original scheduled date due to their required presence in Trost to explain what had occurred the other day with Eren’s transformation. During the exam, they informed me of their new hypotheses regarding Eren. They explained the inspiration came from the teaspoon Eren had picked up right as it happened. They noticed that despite the force and heat of the transformation, the spoon stayed completely the same. They explained that alongside injury, it seems there also needs to be intent to get him to transform. He needs some clear goal in his mind as the injury or pain occ_

You paused and looked up from your writing, hearing something. You had escaped to one of the headquarters’ empty and unused parlor rooms, having desperately needed to escape the infirmary after the long day’s worth of exams. Finding an old yet surprisingly comfortable settee to relax on, you kicked off your boots and tucked your feet underneath you. Propping your notebook up on your lap, your plan for the evening was not only to record the case with the scout’s arm, but to also sort through all the information Hange had provided during their exam earlier that day.

But before you could properly register the sound that had broken your concentration, a hand grabbed the top of your hair, forcing your head back.

You were greeted with the sight of Levi looking down at you from behind the settee, grey eyes stormy and narrowed in irritation. You couldn’t help but note with wry amusement that it was one of the only times he would ever be able to look down at you.

Despite the pounding of your heart, you kept the surprise of his sudden appearance from your face.

“Mind explaining to me this ridiculous situation about sugar?” he said.

“I needed it,” you answered simply.

“Clearly. Do you realize how much of my time has been wasted today dealing with Siegfried?”

“Hardly my fault if Siggy makes such a fuss over a non-thing. I’ve already tried dealing with him nicely on my own. Twice!”

“So you send Arne. To lie.”

“I sent Arne because my patient needed my immediate attention or else I would have gone myself,” you said.

“With the plan to lie of my approval.”

“Do I not have your approval then?”

Levi’s grip on your hair stayed steady. Though his touch lacked gentleness, it hardly caused any pain. “No.”

“Well shit, that leaves me in a predicament, doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

You paused, thinking. “What’s even the cost of sugar these days?”

Levi told you and you blinked. _Fuck_.

“I don’t have that.”

“I know.”

“Well, regardless, I don’t regret asking him to lie. I do whatever I must for my patients. And if it means going into debt over a sack of sugar, or dealing with your anger, then so be it. At least a man still has his arm.”

His eyes never wavered from yours. “Tell me. Do you think lying to another scout about my approval is a good way to secure my trust?”

“I distinctly remember our discussion about trust, Captain, and you telling me to just do my job. Which is exactly what I’ve done.”

“Your job does not entail using me to get what you want.”

“I was running out of options and I hardly had the time to try and find you. Besides, it’s just for some sugar.”

“Until it isn’t.”

You realized then the point he was making; the implications he insinuated at. You blew out a heavy breath. “I see. You think I’m capable of doing it again. Can I ask you something then, Captain?”

Levi merely blinked in response. You took it as a sign to continue.

“Can something that’s been done immorally be forgiven if it was done for a morally good reason? I have a feeling, that in your line of work, this is a question you ask yourself often. And it always leads to the same answer in the end, doesn’t it? How many actions, regardless of their severity, have been justified because the answer to this question is almost always yes? My intentions were good, Captain, despite the trouble it caused. And you should know that I will take any risk for the betterment of my patients, regardless of how big or small, because ultimately I justify it as the right thing to do. But I think you already know all this because you’re the same way, aren’t you, Levi?”

Levi stared down at you for a long moment before releasing your hair. “Your first three paychecks will go to paying the Scouts back.”

You hardly could protest. It wasn’t an unreasonable punishment, especially considering you needed a way to pay them back anyway. It was certainly better than all the other alternatives that had run through your head.

You nodded. “Understood.”

“And regardless of your intentions, Doctor, don’t forget that your actions still reflect on me and my team. We’ve enough to deal with around here, and I don’t need you being a thorn in my ass any more than you already are. Just keep your nose down.” Levi then turned to leave, briefly pausing as he added, “I hope at least his arm is better for it.”

And just as quickly as he arrived, the captain left, striding off before you could get in a reply.

You brought your hand up to the back of your head, gingerly rubbing the spot he had held.

With a reluctant sigh, you closed your notebook and tossed it aside.

You weren’t getting any more work done that night.

~~~~~

“It looks fantastic, Mr. Werner. I suspect even that scar will fade over time,” you said the next day as you tossed the handful of clipped sutures into a rubbish bin. You ran a finger over the soldier’s healed wound, double-checking there weren’t any sutures accidentally left behind. You couldn’t help but admire your handiwork as you did so. His skin truly healed beautifully.

“Well, I figured you’d have my head spiked on a pole if I had returned to you with it split open again,” Marc said, smiling up at you from where he laid on the table.

You couldn’t help but return the smile. “Not quite so extreme, but you’ve got the right idea.”

You hadn’t recognized him at first, this Marc Werner. But when his shirt had come off and the long row of stitches on the side of his abdomen was revealed, you quickly remembered him as the soldier you had helped Dr. Helfen stitch up right after Trost.

With a rewarding sense of satisfaction, you had then snipped away the tiny black knots, pulling free the catgut from his healed skin.

“So…you’re with the Scouts now, huh?” Marc said, watching you intently as you moved onto palpating the rest of his stomach.

“It would appear so.”

“How’s it been for you?”

You moved to his left leg and lifted it, testing the rotation of his hip. “As good as it can be, I suppose. Been kept busy, especially this week with all the exams.”

“You gotta do everyone?”

“Every last one.” You tucked his leg up, testing his knee.

“Does it ever get boring?”

You shrugged as you tested his ankle. “It’s routine.”

“How many more you’ve got left?”

“Just one more day.”

“And then what do you do after that?”

“Prepare for the expedition.” You moved to his other leg and lifted it.

Marc raised his head off the table at hearing that. “You’re coming with us?”

“Is that a problem?”

“No, it’s just…is that why the commander and captain came over that day?”

You lifted a brow at him from behind his leg. “I hardly see how that’s any of your business.”

Marc put his head back down, staring at the lantern that hung from the stone ceiling. “Will you be with Captain Levi during the mission?”

“Again, none of your concern.”

“Well, I guess if there was one person you had to be with out there…” he mumbled.

“And what do you mean by that?” you said as you gently set his leg back down.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” Marc replied.

You studied the soldier with confusion before dismissing his odd comment. “You can sit back up. I just need to ask some simple questions and then you’re finished.”

Marc sat up as you reached for his chart and a pen.

“Any current medications?”

“No."

“Any allergies?”

“Just to bees.”

“Besides that wound on your side, any previous injuries or illnesses?”

“I broke my leg when I was eight. Got a pretty bad fever when I was seventeen.”

“Any history of illness in your family?”

“Pa died because of his heart. Just dropped dead one day.”

“Anything else?”

“Granddad complains of cold sweats and rheumatism.”

“Are you currently sexually active?”

“I can be for you, darling.”

You ignored his comment, writing down: _No current sexual risk._ “Do you frequently consume alcohol?”

“Just whenever I return from a scouting mission. No more than what everyone else has.”

“Consume any drugs?”

“What kind are we talking?”

“Any kind.”

He nervously scratched behind his ear. “This is for official records?”

“I merely need to know for your health, soldier. This information is confidential. No matter what you tell me, it stays only in this record,” you reassured him, pen poised above paper.

“That Commander Erwin can see, no?”

“Should he need a reason to. But more importantly, Mr. Werner, the priority is your well-being. Should there be something of concern, we will work with you so that you can continue serving the Scouts. You won’t get in trouble for telling me the truth.”

Marc let out a long, heavy breath before admitting, “Me and Granddad go to an opium den, now and then.”

“For his rheumatism?”

“So he says.”

“And you?”

“I, uh, I go for the high.”

“Any other drugs?”

He drummed his fingers against his knee. “No.”

You gave him a look. “Mr. Werner?”

“Well, sometimes me and my friends, sometimes we go to the Underground. Not often. Never while on duty. And while we’re there, they’ve got some stuff to make the night more fun. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it is.”

“And when’s the last time you went?”

“It’s been months, probably close to a year now. Honest.”

“Experience any troubling side effects?”

“Just a bloody nose sometimes.”

“Are you ever high during a scouting mission?”

“No. Never.”

“Has it ever impacted your ability to perform your duty for the Scouts?”

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Point taken. “Do you have any current health complaints for me today, Mr. Werner?”

He placed a hand over his chest. “Just my heart. Sometimes it hurts.”

You hoped this wasn’t going where you thought it was. “Is there a particular time or activity that causes these pains, Mr. Werner?”

“Only when I look at the most beautiful woman inside the Walls and she refuses to be mine.”

You flipped the cover of his chart. “I think your heart will recover on its own just fine, soldier.”

“It’s a real affliction, Doctor!” he cried out as you walked away from him.

You picked up the next chart in the pile, reading the name. “Mr. Werner, please find your squad-mate Janna and inform her it’s now her turn.”

You ignored the scout’s dramatic sigh of dejection as you looked over the urine results Bruin handed over to you. You opened his chart back up to finish recording the last of the results before signing and stamping your approval - on the condition he exhibits no future signs of drug abuse.

“So I’ll see you in Karanes, then, since you’re joining the expedition?” Marc asked as he dressed.

“Should we run into each other, then I suppose yes,” you replied, keeping your back to him.

“Then I hope to see you again soon.”

“We’ll see, Mr. Werner, we’ll see.”

~~~~~

The rest of the exams both that day and the following went by uneventfully, which you supposed was a good thing considering everything that had happened days before. Throughout the rest of the week, you stayed true to Levi’s order of keeping out of trouble. Routine, is what you had described to Marc Werner, and routine was all that was performed.

Every day consisted of the same early morning of training followed by long hours on your feet examining scout after scout after scout, leaving you utterly exhausted by the end of each night. The time you took to sleep hardly seemed like enough anymore.

Bruin had taken the monotony in stride, while Arne on the other hand had you fearful of him losing it on several different occasions. Whenever you noticed the start of his anxious pacing or the grumbling under his breath worsening, you sent him away to blow off some steam, to do whatever it was Arne did in his free time, giving him a break from the dullness and tedium that hundreds of exams caused.

The only break in monotony you received was the shuffling of training partners every morning. Each day at dawn when you went out for your training, you were greeted with whoever volunteered that day from the Levi Squad. You took note on how differently your training would go depending on who you worked with that day.

Petra demonstrated to have an infinite source of patience with every mistake you happened to make. Every time you tumbled to the ground she was always there, holding out a hand to help you back up onto your feet. And whenever you managed to make good progress or succeeded in one of the goals she’d set, there she would be to give you a bright smile and a word of praise.

When you worked with Eld, his encouragement and feedback was always kind and constructive, while Gunther’s was purely logistical, never once sugar-coating his words as he provided honest criticism on your progress.

You found Oluo to be the least helpful out of them all, as he apparently thought that a constant stream of condescending comments was the best way to improve your use of the gear. Although you supposed it did work, in its own way. After all, it motivated you to become better at the gear so you could use it to get away from his constant remarks on how poorly you were doing.

The only one you never worked with was Levi.

You figured it was a good thing, that you hadn’t seen him again since that evening in the parlor. Yet something about that interaction with him constantly gnawed on the back of your mind, pulling your attention away from your work and training at the most inconvenient of times. The more days that passed, the more you found yourself thinking about him.

It wasn’t until you had a moment alone in the quiet, empty infirmary - the last of the completed medical records tucked away and Bruin and Arne having already left for their dinner - when you came to a realization.

The mindless rhythm of cleaning up the infirmary after such a long week gave your thoughts a chance to breathe and wander for the first time in a while. And despite the random, errant thought about a particular exam that had occurred or wondering how that one scout’s arm was fairing, every few seconds your thoughts returned to that evening with him without fail.

The sensation of Levi’s hand in your hair, his steel eyes unwavering from yours, incessantly replayed in your mind.

You wanted to feel his hand in your hair again.

No.

That wasn’t quite it.

What you really wanted was to put your hand in his hair; to gently comb through the dark strands before gripping it just as he did and forcing _his_ head back. Forcing him to look into _your_ eyes.

An image then, of leaning down and pressing your lips to his.

Before you could stop yourself, you dropped the rag you were using to scrub down the examination table and hurried over into the adjacent room. You flitted about the infirmary at almost a manic pace, pulling jars off shelves and tearing bits of paper from the back of the old ledger.

With preparations made, you tucked your work into your medical bag and made off in search of someone who could be of some help.

To your delight, you quickly found Oluo in a random sitting room, playing a round of cards with a scout you only barely recognized from his exam.

“Oluo! You’re just who I need. You haven’t seen Captain Levi around, have you?” you said as you entered the sitting room.

Oluo barely looked up from the fan of cards in his hand to acknowledge you. “The captain? Oh, yeah, he’s around here somewhere. Why?”

“Do you know exactly where he is?”

“Stables, I think.”

“Perfect. Thank you.”

Oluo finally glanced up from his cards to properly look at you. He eyed the bag in your hands. “You’re not off to cause more trouble again, are you?”

“No. The opposite, in fact. I plan to make amends.”

Oluo looked slightly taken aback by that. “Well…good. You really were a nuisance to the captain earlier.”

“I’m well aware. He’s already made that quite clear. Good luck with the rest of your game,” you said over your shoulder as you left.

It wasn’t the stables you went to next, but rather the captain’s room.

~~~~~

When Levi returned to his quarters for the night, his hand coming up to loosen the fabric around his neck as he sighed from the day’s exhaustion, his attention snagged on something that had been left behind in his room. Silently shutting the door behind him, Levi walked over to the small table beside the fireplace. On it was a tin container, a slip of scrap paper tucked beneath a piece of twine that had been wrapped around the metal box. Beside this, a small leather drawstring pouch, another scrap of paper attached to its string.

Propped up in front of everything was a folded note, his name written upon it. He opened this first.

_I’m sorry for the trouble I caused. I hope this helps make it up to you, even if it’s just a little bit._

Levi set the note down and picked up the tin container, pulling free the twine. The note underneath read:

_I’ve added valerian and St. John’s wort to the leaves. To help ease any stress._

Levi popped open the lid and brought the tin to his nose, inhaling the aroma of the tea leaves.

He then picked up the drawstring bag, flipping over the final note and reading:

_And of course, you can’t enjoy tea without some very expensive sugar._

The corner of Levi’s mouth lifted. Just slightly.


	16. Secret Secrets

You were feeling aggravated.

You stared down at your notebook, the pages filled with all your notes regarding Eren along with everything Hange knew. Frustration bubbled deep inside your chest.

You had no idea how any of it came together and yet you knew there was a solution hidden in there somewhere. But no matter which way you examined it, the pieces refused to come together.

And yet, somewhere in the back of your mind, you felt as if you already knew the answer.

Like a word poised on the tip of a tongue. Or an object just out of reach of one’s fingertips as they held out a hand for it.

Arms crossed, you gnawed on the end of your pen. Ink flicked across the desk in tiny droplets with every movement of your jaw.

You glanced over at the table. At the failed initial experiments.

You needed better supplies.

You thought back to Helfen’s two-room practice. Of the latched door underneath the floorboards that was only visible should you move his desk back a few meters.

Of the stone steps that led down to his tiny laboratory.

 _What’s in the cellar of Dr. Jaeger’s home?_ Levi had asked you your first night here.

You honestly did not know. You had answered him truthfully with your reply.

But what his next question should have been was what was in the cellar of Dr. Helfen’s home, you thought wryly.

Because that you did know the answer to.

A memory from many years ago formed, of Helfen pointing to a circular plate of growing bacteria that sat beneath a bell jar, the glass just barely fogged from the humidity within. Your reflection on the glass dome revealed a face whose features still had the lingering presence of preadolescence, the hints of the young woman you would later become just barely taking shape.

“You see, for years I only worked with unsubstantiated ideas,” Helfen explained to you, the lanterns on the cellar’s walls casting dark shadows beneath his bifocals. “I called them pathogens because there is this fancy idea that scholars call pathos, which means to cause suffering. Despite never having seen them and not knowing how to prove their existence, I still knew there was something that could travel between people and cause suffering. I could study the effects of pathogens, but never the thing itself. That was until I came across a woman who told me she had read my work and claimed that she could help me, teach me. And she did just that.”

Helfen had then taken a jar from one of the shelves and unscrewed it. He tilted it so you could see inside, revealing an off-white powder.

“Flour?” you had said, peering inside.

“Not quite. She called it gelatin. We don’t use anything like it inside the walls. It’s made from what’s called red algae.” His voice then lowered as he said conspiratorially, “…which is collected from a giant body of water called the ocean.”

Your eyes widened. “Is that outside of the walls?” you had whispered back.

Helfen nodded. “We take some of this powder and mix it with salt and baker’s yeast and distilled water and it makes that jelly substance you can see on the plate,” he said, lightly tapping on the bell jar with a knuckle. “From there, you can swab any source you would like on it. Saliva, urine, nasal discharge, whatever's on your hands. You could even just cough on it if you wanted to. Give it some humidity and time and on it will grow those little cream-colored specks you can see right there. What I called pathogens, she called bacteria. I could finally see the thing I had been trying to study for years. I had been given a revolutionary tool by that woman and I could finally start properly developing and testing treatments.” He stared at the plate of bacteria for a moment before saying, “They’re like Titans in their own way. We may never know exactly what makes them work or where they come from, but they exist and so we must find ways to put a stop to them before they can get to us.”

“But if that’s from the ocean which is outside of the walls,” you said, pointing to the jar in his hands, “then how do you get more when you run out?”

Helen replaced the lid on the jar, returning it to the shelf. “I thought of that same problem. So, what I did was travel to some of our freshwater lakes within the walls. Thankfully, some of them do in fact have their own kind of red algae. It doesn’t work as well as this supply, but it does the trick and I’m able to use much more of it.”

“Did the woman show you anything else?”

“No, I never saw her again. I’m certain she had given me a fake name because when I asked around, no one had even heard of her.”

“Why did she give you a fake name?”

Helfen was quiet for a long while before finally answering. “Because that woman had access to materials outside of the walls that we could only ever dream of having. And she wasn’t the only one. There are other supplies down here in this room given to me by people just like her; things we shouldn’t have and yet we do because we need it.” Helfen then reached towards you, lifting your chin with the crook of his finger and thumb, forcing you to meet your eyes with his. “This place and everything in it is a secret between you and me, little bones. There are many people inside the walls who would be very unhappy with us should they know about this place. But everything that’s down here is so we can help treat our sick and wounded. Remember Shiganshina and all those numbers Dr. Jaeger and I made you count?”

You nodded.

“It was through those experiments we were able to develop the cure that got rid of the Shiganshina sickness for many, many people. We helped an entire district heal, but we had to use materials and techniques that we wouldn’t have ordinarily used. Materials and techniques that we aren’t necessarily allowed to use inside the walls. We did a questionable thing for a very good reason. A reason that saved the lives of many.”

“But how did you get all the supplies and techniques for Shiganshina?” you asked.

Helfen hesitated before deciding on a reply. “From Dr. Jaeger, along with some others. There is an unspoken agreement, that in exchange for help, I don’t ask certain questions.”

“Like what?”

“Like where some of the supplies come from. Dr. Jaeger can be quite secretive, as you know.”

You had wrinkled your nose at that and Helfen chuckled softly, brushing his thumb across your cheek. “I know we have our differences with Dr. Jaeger, but he is a very intelligent man who has done some incredible work. We have a lot to thank him for.” Helfen sighed, lowering his hand. “The reason I’m telling you all this is because one day I want you to inherit it all, little bones, both my knowledge and my lab. And so I need you to promise me that you won’t tell a single soul about any of this, okay?”

You had nodded solemnly in response, loyalty in your heart. “I promise.”

Helfen had then given you a pleased smile before putting his arm around your shoulders and guiding you back to the stone steps to the practice above. “Then I shall make a promise to you, too. In time, I’ll tell you some more secrets of my own, little bones. As soon as you need to know them, when I know you can handle them, I’ll tell them all.”

Your attention returned to the infirmary you now sat in, to the notebook splayed out in front of you. With a little more aggression than was necessary, you took the pen from your mouth and wrote:

_Saliva not a viable option. Current available methods unsuitable for studying it. I lack proper materials and about 200 years of technological advancement. Where are those damn bastards when you need them? They always came to help him._

Your hand paused. Then, a quick, dark scratch of the pen.

_Saliva not a viable option. Current available methods unsuitable for studying it. I lack proper materials ~~and about 200 years of technological advancement. Where are those damn bastards when you need them? They always came to help him.~~_

With a heavy sigh and replacing the pen back in your mouth, you tore the paper free from your notebook, crumpled it, and threw it towards the fireplace. It just missed, landing mere inches away from the flames.

“Hope I’m not interrupting an important thought,” a voice said from behind you.

Pen clattering to the desk, you abruptly stood and spun to face the door. “Commander Erwin,” you said in surprise. You discreetly reached behind yourself and closed the notebook. “I had no idea you planned to visit.”

“You didn’t think I was exempt from an examination, did you?” the commander said from the threshold of the room, holding up a file in his hand. He was somehow much bigger than you remembered.

“I…well, your chart wasn’t with the rest. Figured questioning it would be pointless.”

He took a step into the infirmary. “I’m pleased you finished all the others before the deadline. You managed to meet expectations. A promising start working for us. I hope the good work continues.” His eyes flickered to the balled piece of paper you had thrown. He walked towards it and stooped to pick it up.

“I’ve been meaning to thank you,” you said quickly as Erwin straightened, paper in hand.

He looked over. “Thank me?”

“For supplying what you could towards the medic team. The things on my list. I’m told there isn’t much in the budget, and yet you still invested in us. And I know some of those supplies didn’t come cheap. So, thank you.”

“It’s my duty to ensure everything goes as smoothly as possible. You being able to do your job properly is included in that.” As the commander made his way over to you, you held out your hand. He hesitated just before tipping the crumpled paper into your palm. “And I had hoped it would help cushion the blow of your orders. I know what I said before, about you being with Levi’s team for protection. Certain circumstances forced me to change my plans.”

“Right, that,” you said, stuffing the paper into your jacket’s breast pocket. “Is there anything else you promised that day that you wish to revoke as well?”

He gave you a tight-lipped look. “No.” He extended his chart to you.

“Good,” you replied, taking the folder from his hand. “I know why I’m not going to be with them out there, by the way.”

“Oh?”

You pushed your chair flush against the desk and picked your pen back up before guiding him into the other room. “Because you don’t want me to know their location. I just find it curious, Commander, that despite both your monetary investment in me and the fact that you’ve placed me at the head of your medic team - not to mention close contact with Eren - I’m not allowed that bit of information. It’s strange, the way your trust works.”

“Please do not take personal offense with strategy,” Erwin replied. “Everything I do, every decision, is made with many different factors in mind.”

“One of which includes weeding out traitors?”

“A small part of a much bigger picture, I assure you. Again, no personal offense is intended.”

“Well, seeing as I’ve now lost both my best protection and my paycheck, there is nothing else keeping me here other than my word and my own desire to help, Commander.” You stopped by the scale and turned to face him. “Please keep that in mind, especially when I’m inevitably guzzled down and your traitor is still at large.”

“Ah, yes. Levi mentioned the paycheck in one of his letters to me. Over sugar, was it?”

You quickly noted the change in conversation. “A very valuable commodity these days, apparently,” you said dryly. “Shirt and boots off, Commander. Please.”

As the commander undressed, your thoughts couldn’t help but snag on something he’d said.

“Has Captain Levi been writing progress reports on me?” you asked curiously as Erwin stepped onto the scale.

“Only when he can’t inform me in person.”

You brought down the rod to measure his height, then balanced the small poise bar for his weight. “I hope he’s been reporting good things,“ you said as nonchalantly as you could, recording his numbers.

“Actually, yes.”

Your pen faltered.

“Well, with the exception of a few things,” Erwin added, stepping off the scale. “He’s made his opinion clearly known on some matters.”

“And which matters would those be?” you asked, looking up from the chart.

“Nothing to concern yourself over.”

Curiosity burned. You wanted to get your hands on those letters.

It shouldn’t have mattered, what the captain had written, and yet it did. A lot. You struggled to make sense of the information Erwin had just casually dropped.

You reminded yourself that it was completely normal to be curious of what others were saying about you. After all, you would feel just as much curiosity had it been anyone else giving such reports. There was hardly a deeper meaning behind wanting to know how you were being perceived by others.

Especially by people you had left a gift for. In their quarters.

Purely as an apologetic act, of course. Merely as a means of reconciliation.

No other reason.

None at all.

Erwin became quiet, his blue eyes flickering as they intently scanned your face. You felt as if he could read your thoughts and it made you uneasy. You wished to look away but you refused to do so first.

“Where do you need me next?” was all he ended up saying.

“Exam table. If you wouldn’t mind sitting, please,” you said, swapping his chart for your stethoscope, grateful for the disruption of your thoughts.

You approached Erwin, listening to his heart and then his lungs.

“How has your progress with Eren been going?” the commander asked the moment you finished and set down the stethoscope.

“Well enough, I suppose. We’re further than we were when we first started, if that counts for anything.”

“How much further?”

“How detailed do you wish for me to go, Commander?”

“As detailed as you wish.”

You went behind him, placing your fingers on either side of the vertebrae of his neck. You palpated the area, then worked your way down his spine. “What exactly causes Eren’s transformation is still unknown,” you said, feeling each vertebra. “However, Hange had a major breakthrough last week during-”

“I’m aware of what Hange has discovered,” Erwin interrupted. “They briefed me when they came to explain the accident. I want to know what _you_ have discovered.”

You shot a glare towards the back of his head at being interrupted, keeping back a retort. Once your hand reached the base of his spine, you brought it back to the nape of his neck. You brushed the tip of your finger across his skin, drawing a circle right where the splenius capitis muscle slipped behind the trapezius. “You cut Titans here, yes?”

“Yes.”

You tapped the top of the imaginary circle. “One blade slices here…” You then tapped the bottom of the circle. “…while the other slices here. And your cut needs to be perfect. Too shallow and you merely cut through muscle and then the Titan is just able to regenerate it back, correct?”

“Correct.”

“Same thing happens if you go too high or too low; the Titan just grows back what was lost. Which means our entire area of focus needs to be on what’s in this area. When you cut here…” you brushed a line across his neck, “…provided you’ve gone deep enough, you sever the connections between the second and third cervical vertebra.” You brought your finger down a few centimeters and brushed a second line. “Cut here, and you sever between the fifth and sixth. It’s actually quite the impressive incision, getting your blade to go between the vertebrae. Although I suppose it’s made easier considering how much bigger they are, and even if you miss and hit bone, your blades are strong enough to cut through anyway.”

“We are aware of this already, though.”

“Yes, but that is _all_ that you know.” You tapped the center of the area again. “You’ve determined the location of their weakness, but not the actual source. You know you must cut deep enough to sever their spinal cord, but you have not answered why this of all places. Or examined why this is also the same place where Eren comes out of his Titan form.”

“We know it cuts off the connections of their nervous system.”

“Yes, but why only there?” You moved to stand back in front of him, gently taking his head into your hands and rotating it, continuing his exam. “If that’s all that it was, cutting off communication I mean, decapitation theoretically should also work, or severing any other area of their spinal cord. And yet even if you just blast the damn head off, it ultimately doesn’t matter because if you still leave the neck intact then the head will just regrow, reestablishing communication. So it’s not cutting off communication between their brain and body that’s their weakness. Instead, it’s mutilating a life source that they have only in that area. Something we don’t. Open your mouth, please.”

The commander complied. “Which is?” he asked when you finished looking inside.

You felt for his lymph nodes beneath each ear. “It could be many different things. Because I haven’t examined the open nape of a Titan, I couldn’t tell you if anything differs in there compared to us. Which I don’t think would even be possible considering the fact they quite literally go up in smoke the moment you open up their neck. I doubt we’d have enough time to get a proper look.”

“Your best guess.” Not a question. A demand.

You shook your head. “I have…no idea. According to Hange, the only life source they’ve determined is sunlight, somehow metabolizing light into energy. Perhaps where they do this is the neck? I don’t know. Titans are such anomalies, Commander, that I don’t know if it would even be possible or wise to apply human physiology onto them, which is the extent of my knowledge. The best I can do is examine Eren and how he differs from us. And so far there’s absolutely nothing, aside from the very obvious Titan-shifting, of course. Nothing on his physical exam or his records indicate how his ability could work. I’m afraid I’m a bit out of my element.”

“Hange had said the two of you had come to a starting point in testing Eren.”

“I’ve tried looking at his saliva, to get a look at his immune system.”

“And has that yielded any results?”

“…No,” you admitted reluctantly. “I don’t have the proper materials here to get anything significant out of it. I’ve tried with what we’ve got around here, but nothing has worked.” You certainly weren’t going to mention that bit of information to a certain cook. “All we know about Eren’s ability is that it requires injury and a motivation, and so there’s a mental and a physical aspect. Seeing as we can only examine the physical, should we even manage to figure that part out we’d still be half-blind to the whole picture.”

“It would be better than nothing, would it not?”

Swallowing your pride, you took a step back. You searched your brain for the right words before finally saying, “I need to be honest with you, Commander.”

Commander Erwin’s face immediately became guarded, his blue eyes hardening in wariness. “Continue…”

“I’ve been extensively trained in surgery and epidemiology, Commander, _not_ Titans,” you began. “And for whatever reason, you and Hange seem to think that makes me qualified to study Eren and Titans in general, but I must inform you that it does not. Now, I can still doctor your wounded or help stop the spread of sickness, but I cannot help discover the secret behind Titans because we will never know the secret behind Titans. I was originally excited at all the possibilities someone like Eren opened up, but the more I’ve thought over, the more I’ve come to realize studying someone like him is likely impossible. It’s a hard truth, Commander, but you must come to realize this as well.”

Erwin became quiet again, studying you once more with that same tight-lipped expression. He leaned forward, propping his forearms on his knees. “You truly think it’s impossible? Seems a bit close-minded coming from someone like you.”

You chose your next words carefully. “Under our current circumstances, yes.”

“And what exactly is our current circumstance?”

You chewed over several different answers before deciding on one. “We can only work with ideas, Commander. We have no way of producing physical proof, which makes anything we hypothesize unfounded.”

“So you wish to give up before ever really trying?”

You blew out a heavy breath. “I wish to be realistic…and careful.”

“And what if I told you there’s proof?”

“Then I would feel obligated to warn you how quickly science can become sedition inside the walls, Commander,” you replied. You then decided to cast out a tentative line, a tiny piece of bait hooked on the end to see whether he tugged back. “If there was one thing Grisha Jaeger and Arthur Helfen agreed upon, it was finding the balance between dissemination of knowledge and keeping their heads attached to their necks.”

“Grisha Jaeger,” Erwin repeated quietly. “So Hange was right.”

“Hange was right about what?”

Erwin’s fingers weaved together. “How did Jaeger and Helfen become privy to such knowledge in the first place?” he said, ignoring your question to ask his own.

A dangerous game you had entered, you realized. Especially since it was one where most of the rules were still unknown to you. It turned out he was indeed willing to tug back on your line. A bit too hard.

“Drs. Jaeger and Helfen are two brilliant minds who viewed the world through a lens only a select few are ever granted,” you replied.

“You speak in riddles now,” Erwin observed wryly. “Tell me then, why do you believe they were granted such a privileged lens?”

“Because they had the power to make change happen.”

“And do you think anyone else is capable of doing the same?”

“Of course. But whether such a person deserves such knowledge depends entirely on what they plan to use it for.”

“And who gets to judge someone’s merit?”

You raised a brow. “Do you want the realistic answer or the idealistic one, Commander?”

Erwin huffed a laugh. “Point taken. Would you agree then if I said that the people who judge which information we are allowed to know are the very same people who _shouldn’t_?”

“I don’t know, Commander, will I dangle from the end of the rope should I say yes?”

The skin beside his blue eyes crinkled with amusement. “Only if certain ears should hear. I should add that it’s a good thing then that such ears are not currently present.”

You thought through what he insinuated: that he was a person with whom you could trust with certain information. While the sentiment was appreciated, reluctance and previous promises kept your mouth firmly shut. You may have been unaware of all the rules of this game Erwin was trying to play with you, but if there was one thing you did know, it was never to show your hand too soon. It was the one bit of power you held over someone like him. And you planned to hold on to it for as long as possible.

You cleared your throat. “We should finish your exam now.”

Erwin straightened, his expression the warmest it had ever been towards you. “As you wish.”


	17. It's the Subtle Sounds, That Make All the Difference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just wanted to pop in and say thank you for over 1000 kudos! That's absolutely bonkers. And thank you for everyone's continued support and kind, encouraging comments. You guys really are awesome and I appreciate every single one of you! <3

You hated pulling teeth.

If there was one procedure you could go the rest of your life without doing, it was tooth extractions.

Damn things never liked to come out easy and it always took far too long, with far too much effort, just to get far too little of a result. Then, when the bugger finally did come out, the site always bled an aggravating amount, as if the tooth had its own infinite supply of blood.

And then there was the issue of suturing a flap of gum across to help with healing and prevent infection of the socket. Which was a tedious task in and of itself.

So when a scout arrived at your infirmary one afternoon with the complaint of a toothache and a swollen cheek, you wondered what sin you had committed to deserve such a penance.

“When did you break your tooth?” you asked as you peered into his mouth, finding one of his upper molars split down the middle, an abscess having already begun to form beside it.

“Couple days ago,” he answered, a reassurance that you hadn’t missed it during his exam. “We were training and I collided with my teammate.”

You felt underneath his jaw, finding the lymph nodes swollen. You sighed. “It needs to come out.” You pulled out the chair from the alcove’s desk and instructed the scout to sit. You then called for Arne.

“Whatcha need?” he responded from across the room, where he twirled the iron fireplace poker around. Bruin stood near him, her arms crossed as she watched him with a mixture of mild annoyance and amusement.

“Please put that down before we need to do surgery on you as well,” you said with exasperation. “I need you to hold this scout down so I can pull his tooth.”

“So you want me to be complicit in the torture of my fellow man and comrade?” The iron poker fell to the floor with a loud clatter. “I’m in.”

Arne made his way over and stood behind the scout’s chair, wrapping his arms tightly around your patient’s torso and widening his stance to brace himself better. He patted the scout in reassurance. “I’ve got you, bud.”

While Arne got situated, you pulled off two of the straps that dangled from the room’s surgery table. You extended them out to Bruin. “Please tie his ankles to the legs of the chair.”

Bruin took the leather straps from you and crouched before the scout, tightening the restraints around the chair and his ankles in a few swift movements.

“Wait, why are you tying me up?” the scout said, looking down at Bruin with fear apparent on his features.

Arne smiled, his blue eyes lighting up with mischief. “My my, this is certainly taking a turn I wasn’t expecting. Reesey, this reminds me of the night when-”

Bruin flicked Arne’s ear as she stood. “Knock it off.”

As you dug through your bag for the right instruments you explained, “I can’t have you unintentionally kicking me.” You then paused briefly before adding, “This is going to hurt. Quite a bit. So I’m sorry in advance.”

While pawing through your bag, you came across the small box of morphine Commander Erwin had provided. You stared down at it, envisioning the five tiny vials that you knew were inside, all in a neat row. You chewed on the inside of your cheek, contemplating, your finger lightly tapping on the box’s lid. You thought back to the lengthy list of injuries Oluo had described a while back, of everything he had ever seen during an expedition.

With a quiet sigh, you put the box back before pulling out the kit you were looking for. “Bruin, please get a cup of willow bark ready.”

“And what if I don’t want you to pull my tooth?” the scout said desperately, eyes wide as he watched you unrolled the pouch and held instrument after instrument over a chamberstick’s flames.

“Your broken tooth is only at the very beginning of infection,” you said, moving to stand in front of him. “You leave that tooth as it is, the infection will only spread, your pain will worsen, and a toothache will be the least of your problems. The tooth has to come out. But ultimately, it is your choice whether or not we proceed. So, may I pull your tooth?”

The scout’s eyes flickered between you, Bruin, and the silver instrument you had in hand. He nodded hesitantly.

“A little more confidence, soldier. Yes or no?”

“Yes,” he said. “Do it.”

“Good man,” Arne said, patting the scout’s chest as you nodded in approval, moving to stand closer to him. Bruin handed him the cup of tea with the instruction to drink everything.

“Alright, soldier. Head back, mouth open,” you ordered as he finished the last of the dregs. You handed Bruin an instrument with a small hook on the end. “I’m going to need you to pull his lip back.”

Bruin stepped up beside the scout, pulling back the corner of his top lip with the hook. With her free hand, she grasped his, giving him something to squeeze. His other hand gripped the arm of the chair tightly.

Placing your non-dominant hand on his forehead as leverage, you fitted the extraction forceps around the tooth.

The scout groaned loudly in pain, his eyes watering as you shimmied the tooth back and forth. To your utter lack of surprise, the tooth fought back, holding on to the scout’s maxilla with all its strength. It was going to be a long and gruesome battle between you and the tooth it seemed.

A battle where you were determined to be the victor.

“It’s being stubborn,” you mumbled, putting down your tool in exchange for another. You slipped the end of this one, an elevator, underneath his gum line. You torqued it between the root of the tooth and its connecting ligament. Your hand shook slightly from the amount of pressure you had to apply.

The scout’s leather boots scuffed against the floor in an attempt to flail, the straps doing their job. His breath was hot against your hand as his breathing became heavier, his voice a mangle between a groan and a cry.

“Oh, fuck,” Arne whispered, his face contorted in sympathetic pain as there was a very distinct tearing sound. His arms tightened around the scout, keeping him in place. “I am so sorry, mate.”

You exchanged tools for a second time, clamping the extracting forceps around the tooth, simultaneously wiggling and pulling. It budged. Just barely.

“I should get Levi to do this for me,” you said as you swapped out tools once again so you could tear the ligament further. “He can get it out in one good blow.”

The scout shook his head, his eyes widening in fear. “Ease oh!” he said with his mouth still wide open.

You smiled. “No? You don’t want me to get the captain?”

The scout shook his head again, more vigorously.

“Well, if you’re sure. But then you’re stuck with me doing it the old-fashioned way.”

“My dad used a string and a door for me as a kid,” Arne said as you loosened the tooth further with the elevator. “We can always do it that way!”

Bruin tilted her head to the side. “I distinctly remember you telling me how your father also used kerosene to get rid of your head lice when you were younger,” she replied. “I don’t think he’s exactly the best judge in first aid.”

“My dad is the smartest man I know! And my lice went away after that, thank you!”

“Yeah, because your hair probably caught on fire.”

“It did not!” Arne protested over the scout’s loud wail of pain. “…It just stunk of oil for a little while.”

“Got it!” you said with satisfaction when one of the roots released its hold on the scout’s jaw, finally pulling free.

“Oh, thank God,” the scout said with a relieved whimper, slumping down into the chair.

Blood quickly ran down his chin. Bruin released his hand, shaking hers out as she reached for a towel to clean up the outside of his mouth before the blood could drip onto his shirt. She pressed it against his lips carefully.

“Don’t be thankful yet,” you said, dropping your prize onto the table with a clink. “That was only half of it.”

His eyes snapped to you, his face draining of all color. “What?”

You turned back to him. “That was only half the tooth,” you repeated. “We need to get the other half out now.”

To the scout’s immense dismay, you dug back into his mouth, this time made much harder by all the blood that poured from the hole you had already created. Tears ran down his cheeks from the pain, his mangled wails growing louder and louder. Arne grunted with the effort to keep the scout still, using all his strength to keep him in the chair.

“I’m sorry,” you said sincerely, his blood streaming down your fingers, slipping past your wrist and underneath the sleeve of your jacket. “This needed to be done. I promise.”

When the other half of the tooth finally slid out, you grabbed a gauze square and packed it into the empty socket. You had to change it for a fresh one within seconds. Then again. When you applied pressure to help stanch some of the blood flow, the scout whimpered pitifully.

Arne straightened and clapped the scout’s shoulder in good-nature. “Good job, man! We did great!”

Bruin gave him a withering look. “Who’s we?”

“Arne, hand me that jar on the second shelf. Third from the left, please,” you said. “And also the two jars on the bottom shelf, far right.” You repeatedly had to toss aside blood-soaked gauze in exchange for a fresh one every few seconds.

There was a hesitant knock on the infirmary’s open door. You looked over, finding Eld and Gunther standing at its threshold. “Everything going okay in here? We heard screaming,” Eld said in concern.

“Everything’s fine,” you said, tossing another bright red square onto its quickly growing pile. “Just removing a tooth. Bruin, hold the gauze, please. I need to get the suture ready.” You swapped places, her fingers replacing your own in the scout’s mouth, holding the gauze in place and applying pressure.

“Well, the painful bit seems to be over now,” Eld said uncertainly as Arne placed the jars of herbs you needed beside the rest of your tools. “We’ll leave you alone so you can finish.”

“…Are those straps around his feet?” Gunther questioned as Eld turned to leave.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Arne said, propping an elbow on your shoulder as you unraveled the spool of suture to thread in one of your needles. “Our physician here apparently has a very particular taste when it comes to- OW!”

“Sorry, my finger slipped,” you said, pulling out the suture needle that stuck out the back of his hand. “My bad.” You grabbed a fresh needle and re-threaded the suture.

Arne glared at you while rubbing the back of his hand, muttering something under his breath about abuse.

“Thank you for your very noble concern, gentlemen,” you said as you took a clean syringe and drew back a mixture of sterile water mixed with salt. “But I’ve got everything under control. I’m sure your comrade appreciates your worry, though.”

The comrade in question moaned loudly in response, his eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Taking the syringe, you cleaned out the tiny pocket that had formed beside where his tooth once was. Bruin caught the stream of water that came down his chin with the towel.

Eld and Gunther glanced at each other in slight concern before taking their leave, citing that they would have helped if Levi hadn’t needed them at that exact moment in time.

You didn’t bother questioning their excuse.

Instead, you got to work suturing a thin flap of gum across the socket.

More scouts soon arrived, claiming to have heard the man’s screams and wanting to know if everything was alright.

You could feel an increasing number of eyes watching you from the hall. You hated the feeling. It frequently broke your concentration from the task at hand. You wished you could finish your work without such an audience, so you could pull all your focus back onto your patient. You also doubted that your patient appreciated being seen in such a state either.

You were just about to say something when Arne intervened on your behalf, somehow sensing your annoyance.

“Alright, alright, show’s over,” Arne said, strolling over to the small crowd that had gathered at the door, his arms spread wide. “As sexy as it is to watch her torture this poor man, our good doctor does still need to work. Let’s go.” Arne shooed away the group of people, closing the infirmary’s door with a final click.

You felt a great rush of gratitude towards Arne at that moment.

“Could you teach me how to do that?” Bruin asked, referring to your suturing as you tied the final knot.

“Of course,” you replied, snipping the thread. “In fact, the more you know before heading out, the better. I still have quite a bit I need to teach you anyway. I’ll make sure we go over it.”

You opened each jar that Arne had brought over, scooping out from each yarrow, ginger, and echinacea - the final of which had been a lucky find, discovered in the woods during one of your mornings of training with Petra. Mixed together, you packed the herbs gently onto the sutured socket before placing a rolled-up piece of gauze against it. “Bite down. Gently.”

The scout gingerly closed his mouth, a low groan escaping deep from his throat as his bottom teeth made contact with the site.

“You did great, soldier,” you said, giving him a warm, encouraging smile. He opened his eyes to blink blearily at you. You knelt down and untied the straps around his ankles. “I’m going to give you some more herbs and gauze to pack onto the site every few hours, as well as some more willow bark to help with the pain. The sutures will go away on their own. You should be fine to participate in this expedition, provided you don’t develop any fever. Which, if you do, please find me straight away.”

The scout nodded pitifully, a long string of pink saliva already dripping from the soaked gauze. You caught it with a towel, then gently wiped his chin. “I’m truly sorry about the pain. If there was more I could do…”

You thought back to the box of morphine with guilt.

You reassured yourself that it was the right decision. That you would need that morphine for more extreme injuries once you departed from Karanes.

You turned to clean up the bloody mess around you. “You’re free to go, soldier.”

~~~~~

_Little Bones,_

_You won’t believe how happy I was to receive your letter. I’m pleased to hear that your transition has been comfortable. I hope you haven’t caused too much trouble for Captain Levi and the others. I still remember all the notices I received from your professors when you were in university - let’s not have a repeat of that, yes?_  
_I hope my response reaches you before your departure. It must be coming up pretty soon. I’m certain the anticipation you feel will be worse than the expedition itself._  
_You do tend to overthink things when you become stressed about an upcoming event._  
_I remember the night before your very first solo surgery, you kept me awake all night from your constant tossing and turning. I could feel how stressed you were from across the room. You then took out all your notes and studied them until the sun came up._  
_But then when it came time for the surgery, you were as cool and professional as anyone could hope from their surgeon. Never once did you question your abilities, your hand steady with every cut. Every decision you made was one made with years of education behind you. You were reliant on your abilities, and you knew to trust your instincts. Not once did you give off the impression that you were nervous or stressed._  
_Remember then, how the night after the surgery, you kept me awake once again from your constant tossing and turning, this time worried sick on how your patient was doing, whether you had tied everything correctly, whether there was something you had missed?_  
_You tend to doubt your abilities quite a bit at night._  
_And I have a feeling you’re doing it again now._  
_Just know, that when it comes time to ride out with the Scouts, you will know exactly what to do._  
_I know you will remember everything you’ve ever been taught._  
_Make me proud._  
_I’ll see you again on the other side._

  
_Best of luck,_

_Big Bones_

_Postscript: You had a suitor stop by the other week. He had flowers and everything. He was very disappointed to discover you were unavailable. I hope you don’t mind but I turned him away. He could have left the flowers at the very least, though. I like flowers too…_

~~~~~

The days passed by much faster than what was to your liking. Your remaining days at headquarters became split between extensively training Bruin and Arne in first aid, and being trained yourself with the ODM gear.

There was the occasional scout who would stop by the infirmary in need of your services, but everything had been minor and easily treatable: a runny nose, a splinter wedged under some skin, a pair of wheezing lungs, a sprained wrist.

All things considered, the infirmary stayed pretty quiet.

Well, as quiet as it could be with Arne in it.

Before you knew it, you found yourself three days out from the expedition, all the scouts stationed at headquarters milling about in the castle’s bailey, preparing for their departure to Karanes.

The plan that had been agreed upon was that the largest group of scouts and all the reserves would leave first with the anticipation that it would take more time to transport so many people and supplies at once. They would also pick up errant teams along the way as well, ensuring that everyone got to Karanes in time for the commander to call the expedition.

Levi’s squad was to depart the following day, in order to keep Eren at headquarters for as long as possible where he was better contained, even if it was just for a single night.

You stood on your toes to peer at all the supplies that had once been in the infirmary, now packed away and organized in neat rows inside the wagon. You took a mental stock of everything that had been brought down and loaded.

“We’ve remembered the yarrow, right?” you asked, not for the first time. Your eyes scanned all the packed boxes, imaging everything within. “And the bandages?”

“YES, for the millionth time!” Arne said with exasperation. He already sat in the driver’s seat of the cart, reins in hand, ready to go. Bruin dropped the final box on the back of the cart before climbing up beside him.

“I just…we can’t forget anything,” you said. “Who knows what we’ll end up needing. We have to be prepared for-”

“Any possible outcome, we knoooow,” Arne finished, interrupting you. “And we are prepared. God knows you’ve made sure of it.”

You pursed your lips in disagreement. “I’m happy _you_ feel so.”

“Hey,” Bruin said, drawing your attention to her. “You really have prepared us these past few weeks. We’ve made the most of our time here. You’ve taught us more than was ever expected of you. I genuinely believe we’re the best medical team the Scouts have had in a long while. And that’s _with_ Arne.”

“Exactly!” Arne agreed. “Wait, I’m sorry, what?”

You and Bruin exchanged a smile with each other.

Dieter Ness’s team of scouts, who mingled in a large group in front of your team’s cart, began to mount their horses then. You noticed Eren was with them, saying his own goodbyes to his friends.

Bruin gave you another smile. “I think it’s time for us to go. We’ll see you in Karanes.”

“Please travel safe,” you said in farewell, backing away from the cart.

Arne threw an arm around Bruin, transferring the reins to one hand. “Don’t worry about us. We’ll have a grand ol’ time just the two of us, won’t we Brunhild?”

“Such a joy,” Bruin muttered as the cart jerked forward, following behind the large group of scouts that filtered through the main gates of the castle.

You watched as their backs receded, feeling a strange sense of loss despite knowing you would see them again in just two short days in Karanes.

As you made your way back into headquarters to begin packing your personal things, you had a feeling that it was going to be a long night of tossing and turning.

~~~~~

If there was one sound that always brought Levi comfort, it was the sound of rustling leaves.

So when a heavy breeze pushed by, making itself heard through the thousands of tiny sighs all around him, he closed his eyes and shut out all his other senses just so he could listen.

His body swayed in time with his horse’s slow and steady gait, knowing that his steed would continue to follow behind the rest of his team without his guidance, just so he could have this moment.

He was vaguely aware of Petra beside him, her presence familiar and comforting. He knew she would alert him should something come up.

Another breeze cut across the group, bringing with it the scent of crisp, earthy air.

And Levi listened.

He didn’t know why it was a sound he enjoyed so much.

Perhaps it was because it was a sound he did not have the pleasure of growing up with.

Perhaps it was because he associated such a sound with peace.

After all, it was a sound you could only hear when you had an open sky above you with nothing to hinder its view except for a marvelous canopy of green.

Or, perhaps it was because he could hear whispers in all the rustling. The sound of all those who had ever departed, communicating to him from another realm he had no access to, through the only means they knew how.

It was a chance for him to listen to them again, to hear their voices.

Especially one in particular.

A woman’s hummed lullaby, once murmured into his ear, now harmonized all around him through every leaf that brushed up against each other.

He missed her terribly. Even after all these years. Thinking of her always brought the same familiar, agonizing ache.

He wished he could hear her song again.

So he settled for the next best thing.

The same song, but this time sung to him through the flora all around him.

And so Levi listened. Content.

But then, a song from the living.

A bright laugh.

Levi opened his eyes.

He looked towards the source. To a different woman who rode in the front of the group with his second-in-command beside her.

Eld said something and she laughed again.

Why did she laugh? What was the joke?

He’d never heard such a sound come from her before. He wanted to hear it again.

He found himself disappointed when she didn’t.

“Captain?” Petra said, pulling him from his thoughts. “Is something bothering you? You’ve got that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“You know, the one where you, well…” Petra furrowed her brows and grimaced in demonstration.

Levi held back a smile, amused. He did know. He was well aware.

“I was just thinking,” he said to her.

“I suppose it would be pointless to ask what about,” she replied.

She supposed correctly.

When he didn’t respond, Petra looked over. “Long rides always make you quiet, Captain,” she observed aloud. “It worries me sometimes.”

“Why does it worry you?”

“Because sometimes I’m afraid of how lost you get into your thoughts. I can’t imagine you’re very kind to yourself in there.”

“I’ve told you before, Petra, don’t worry about me.”

“You know that’s impossible, Levi.”

Hearing his name spoken in such a kind manner caused a tight feeling inside his chest. Petra always did have the horrible habit of doing that to him.

He refused to relish in the feeling, easily pushing it aside.

The group came into a small clearing, the sound of water becoming louder. They passed by a running gristmill, the wooden wheel attached to its side powered by the stream beneath it. It let out a whining groan with each slow rotation.

Their horses sloped down into the stream, splashing as they made their way across. Once out, they continued onto the trail on the other side, entering back into the woods.

They’d been riding most of the day and Levi could sense the mild exhaustion and boredom that had begun to settle over his team. Conversation occasionally broke out between the members of his squad, but Levi only paid a small attention to what was spoken. Most of his focus had been directed towards Eren, who rode in front of him.

Levi’s opinion on the boy was mixed.

Eren’s devotion to the Scouts was apparent, his reasoning for joining not uncommon. Repeatedly, Eren made it known what his goals and aspirations were. He was nothing if not consistent in relaying that information to all those around him. The boy was eager to please, but still much too stubborn to follow through with an order directed towards him if it did not align with his own conditions.

He could be annoying, but Levi knew he was still quite young, with much to experience and learn. Levi recognized the grief that fueled most of Eren’s actions; could see how it ate away at him, all-consuming. The bad news Levi was reluctant to pass on to Eren, was that such grief would only worsen with his time with the Scouts, not relieve it. Seeking vengeance on the monsters that destroyed his life was a cycle that reliantly fed itself, especially since such monsters came in infinite droves, their existence never-ending, the destruction they imparted on everyone’s lives always dependable.

However, that didn’t mean it wasn’t still worth it to fight against them.

Levi hoped Eren would come to learn that in time.

That vengeance couldn’t be your only source of motivation.

It couldn’t be your only promise to the world.

But Levi knew he couldn’t be too hard on the kid should he be reluctant to learn. After all, Levi still struggled with the very same concept himself.

Would that make him a hypocrite then, should he try to impart such a lesson onto him? Would it better to let him learn on his own?

Levi didn’t know the answer.

Although Eren’s ability still troubled him, Levi now considered Eren just as much a part of his team as Petra or Eld. If this upcoming expedition was to be successful, Levi would need to put his trust in the boy.

And he with him.

Levi was hopeful that after spending a month with his team, Eren had learned to work with them.

As much as Levi found value in individual strength, and knew that putting your faith in others could have harsh, painful consequences, he also knew that depending on those you could trust was invaluable. That by having a team by your side, your strength only expanded.

If he had thought otherwise, he wouldn’t have formed this team.

Suddenly, the group began to slow, Levi’s own horse coming to a halt.

“Wait, why are we stopping?” commented Eren from in front of him.

The answer quickly came as the physician dismounted her horse, sliding off its side and walking off the trail. Eld guided his horse towards the side of the path, watching her go.

Narrowing his eyes, Levi dug his heels into his horse and made his way past everyone.

“What is she doing?” he asked as he pulled up beside Eld.

“Said she needed to gather something,” Eld explained with a half-shrug.

Levi spotted her a short distance away beneath a tree, her leather boots creased across her feet as she stood on the tips of her toes. His eyes traveled up the lengths of her legs, then skipped up to the arms that reached above her into the lower branches as she worked to pluck something from them.

Dusk’s setting sun shone through the surrounding trees and the light casted a soft glow from behind her, the colors of her hair becoming vibrant and soft.

She looked so-

“Lovely,” Eld murmured under his breath.

Levi glanced at his second-in-command, finding his expression open and unguarded. Levi had never seen such a look on him before. It unsettled him.

He looked back over. “Oi! We’re wasting time!” Levi called out to her.

“Tell that to the scout who comes to me complaining of loose, bloody bowels,“ she shot back.

“Lovely indeed,” he said to Eld flatly, tugging the reins of his horse so he could turn and face the group.

“Captain, we should probably find a place to camp soon,” Petra said. “The horses need rest and watering.”

Gunther agreed. “It’ll be easier to find a good spot before it gets dark."

“And my stomach’s been crying at me the last hour for food,” Oluo added with a small groan.

“I literally _just_ gave you the fruit from my pack!” Petra said in exasperation.

“Fruit keeps you full for only so long, Petra!”

The growling of Levi’s own stomach was such a familiar sensation that he had hardly thought much of it when it had started to rumble at him hours ago. But upon Oluo’s mentioning, his mind began to fixate on the feeling, only making the sensation worse.

There was the crunch of grass and leaves underfoot as the physician made her way back to the group. He watched from the corner of his eye as she unbuckled the bag attached to the side of her mount, slipping a gathering of yellow flowers inside.

Then, a new sound.

Levi heard it first, the trotting hoofbeats that came from down the path they traveled. Levi subtly shifted his horse so it stood in front of the doctor’s, allowing him a clearer view of the empty trail. The others noticed his sudden attention and heads turned to see who rode towards the group.

A man appeared down the way they had just come, his body bobbing in time with the gait of his horse.

“Gracious! So many scouts! I hope there isn’t a Titan nearby or anything,” the man said as he approached, his horse slowing down as he neared.

“Don’t worry, old man, we’ve got him under control,” Oluo said with an air of superiority.

The man’s friendly expression shifted into one of concern.

“He’s just joking,” Petra said in reassurance, an irritated look shot in Oluo’s direction. “Don’t mind my teammate. There’s no Titan.”

“Well, if you’re certain that everything’s safe, then I won’t worry. It’s just that it’s not often we get folks from the military around here. I hope there’s no trouble?”

“None at all,” said Gunther. “We’re just passing through.”

The man glanced up at the purpling sky. “It’s starting to get late. I hope you don’t intend to ride in the dark.”

“Could say the same to you,” Petra pointed out.

The man smiled. “I live just down the road. A quick ride from here. I own the farm just outside of the wood.”

“Is that where you’re traveling to now?” Eld asked.

“I am. Just finished with the business with the mill about a mile back.” He half-heartedly gestured behind him. “I’m trying to get home in time for supper.”

Eld looked to Levi. “Captain?”

Levi knew what he suggested.

“Petra,” Levi said, shifting the responsibility to her instead, knowing that this stranger would be more receptive if the inquiry was made by her.

Petra nodded in understanding before saying to the man, “Would it be possible, sir, if we could use your farm as lodgings for the night?” Her face was open and kind, her voice conveying warmth and trust. Good. “It would only be for one night and we’ll be gone first thing in the morning.”

The man blinked in surprise. “Goodness. Never would I have ever thought I’d get the chance to host soldiers at my home!"

“If it would be too much of a burden, we can always find somewhere else to say,” she added. “It’s just that it would be most helpful if we could stay with you, considering you’ve the closest lodgings.”

“No, no, of course you would be welcomed to stay,” the farmer said. “I honestly can’t think of a greater honor. Think of it as a thank you for all the work you do outside the walls.”

Petra beamed. “Thank you, sir. We really appreciate it.”

“Please, there’s no need to thank me! Besides, my boys will be so excited to meet a group of scouts such as yourselves. This is really going to make their day.” The farmer chuckled, then clicked his tongue, nudging his horse forward. “I also can’t have you soldiers going to bed hungry under my care. You’ll join us for our supper.”

“We couldn’t impose on your dinner,” Eld said, coaxing his horse to follow. “We know how tough things are. And we’ve got our own rations we can eat.”

“Eld!” Oluo protested from behind the group, a hand placed on his grumbling stomach.

“I won’t hear of it!” the farmer said, to Oluo’s utter groan of relief. “I would not sleep well knowing I hadn’t served the Scouts the best I could. My wife would be happy to add more plates to the table. One meal won’t hurt us!”

The squad’s plans for the evening were then settled.

The farmer guided them further down the path, leading them to his farm. As they traveled, the physician quickly struck up a conversation with him, pulling her horse up beside his.

“We didn’t catch your name,” Levi heard her say.

“Bauer,” he answered kindly.

“I see the way you hold on to your reins, Mr. Bauer. Do your hands bother you?”

“Only after a long day of work,” he replied in good-nature.

“I can help with that, if you would like,” she offered. “I’ve got just the thing. Since you insist on feeding us dinner, I would feel better if you would allow me to treat your hands in return.”

Of course she was already trying to help this man she had only just met.

Levi noticed she had the tendency to do that.

He didn’t know if it was admirable or annoying, the way she was able to quickly pick out a person’s weakness and know the remedy to help fix it; always offering to heal with no repayment to herself.

Levi’s thoughts drifted to the tin of tea leaves and the bag of sugar he had packed in his saddlebag. To the three, short handwritten notes tucked carefully away in the breast pocket of his jacket.

“So, is one of you the leader of this group?” Mr. Bauer said over his shoulder, glancing briefly back at everyone.

“That would be Captain Levi,” Petra answered for him. “We’re the Special Operations Squad.”

The farmer raised his brows. “Special, huh? And Levi…that’s a name I’ve heard before. My boys talk about a Levi of the Scouts quite a bit. They hear stories at school, from the other children. Are you the same one?”

“In the flesh,” Levi replied with disinterest.

Mr. Bauer did a double-take. “Not exactly who I pictured based on all their stories.”

Levi was hardly surprised. He was well aware of his reputation. Mostly because others never shut up about it.

When they finally broke free from the dark green confines of the forest, they were greeted with a different kind of green that surrounded them; this one much lighter and comprising miles of flatland, a gracious bit of space, perfect for the breaking of horses and the grazing of animals.

Levi saw a figure in the distance herding a group of cows from the field towards a barn that stood near a house that looked as though it had seen better days.

As the group approached the farmhouse, Levi noticed two young boys sitting on the steps, their knees knocking together as they waited for their father to return, fruit in hand.

“WOW! SCOUTS!” one of the boys yelled. They both sprinted over to the group, their exposed shins caked in dirt, their snack forgotten on the steps. Levi eyed the abandoned food. What a waste, he couldn’t help but think.

“We’ve got an extra special scout too,” the farmer said, gesturing over towards Levi.

“No way, you don’t mean…?!”

“Hey, mister, are you Levi?!” one of them exclaimed, running over to his horse as he dismounted.

“No way that’s him!” the other replied, shoving his brother aside so he could get closer.

“That’s totally him!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too,” Eld finished for them, jumping from his horse just as two farmhands came jogging over to help.

“Wow! No way!” Their excitement grew tenfold. “Levi! Levi! What’s it like to kill a Titan?! When you go all…” One of the kids picked up two sticks from the ground and began to spin around himself, slicing the air with them.

“Ahh, so _that’s_ what it is you do,” the doctor commented with a small smirk as she walked past, guiding her horse by the reins. “I can’t wait to see it for myself soon. All that spinning and slicing!”

Levi became uncomfortable under all this direct attention. But despite his discomfort, he felt as though he should do something for them, so as he passed by with his own horse, he awkwardly patted the top of one of their heads. They gasped in surprise and began pushing into each other with delight.

Levi looked over and saw the physician still watching him, her expression soft. He quickly diverted his gaze, handing over the reins to one of the farmhands.

The farmhand whistled as he looked over the horse. “Damn, never seen stallions like these before.”

“They’re Survey Corps horses, you dolt, of course they’re nice,” the other farmhand said as he took the reins of Petra’s horse. “What did you expect them to ride in on? A rundown ol’ jenny?”

As the farmhands helped to settle in the horses, the two boys ran from scout to scout, questions constantly bubbling over, never giving the person a chance to respond before they moved onto the next question. Their excitement was palpable as they looked at each of them with awe and wonder, their mouths and fingers sticky with juice from the fruit that had been long forgotten.

As Eren passed in front of Levi to follow the group inside, Levi reached out and took hold of the hood of his cloak, pulling him back.

Eren blinked at him, his eyes wide. “Captain?”

“You will behave yourself here,” Levi said sternly, though low enough so the two kids wouldn’t hear. “I get even a whiff of you transforming I won’t hesitate to put you down, understood?”

Eren nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Levi released his hold on Eren’s cloak, satisfied though still wary.

A woman appeared in the doorway of the farmhouse, a bundled up baby in her arms, her hand patting its back against her shoulder.

“I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I’ve brought a few more mouths to feed,” the farmer said in greeting as he traveled up the few creaking steps to the door. He leaned down to kiss the woman on the cheek.

She smiled tightly. “I suppose I can make things work,” she said, scanning the group before her, then swiftly disappearing into the house.

~~~~~

When they all gathered at a large dining table for dinner, Levi couldn’t help but feel like an intruder. Although there was hardly anything to be done at this point. His team needed a place to rest and eat.

But when he saw the large spread of home-cooked food that was on the table, food that was supposed to be all for this family, now going to him and his squad, he couldn’t stop the wave of guilt that flooded him.

On the other hand, his empty stomach told him not to care, to take as much as he could and be grateful that he would go to sleep with a full stomach.

It would be rude to take too much.

It would be rude not to take anything at all.

Levi kept himself in check by taking only what he needed, as much as he wanted to devour everything in sight.

Conversation picked up around the table, joining the sound of silverware clinking against plates and mugs being set down after long, thirsty swallows. As he ate, Levi could feel the stares of the two small boys on him from down the table.

“Boys, don’t stare, it’s rude,” their mother scolded.

“But, mom, it’s _Levi_ ,” one of them whispered loudly back.

“I’m well aware who it is. Let the man eat in peace.”

At least the man’s wife was sensible.

“Oh my! So many green cloaks! How exciting!” said a woman as she breezed into the room. “No one told me there were going to be guests!”

“My daughter Elisa,” Mr. Bauer introduced as the woman took the only empty seat left open: the one beside Levi. He immediately smelled the rose water that wafted from her.

He ignored her, not bothering to acknowledge this stranger’s arrival, keeping his focus instead on the meal in front of him.

“So, Captain Levi, how long have you been serving the Scouts?” the farmer asked as he cut into his food in an attempt to make conversation.

“Levi?” Elisa’s gaze immediately snapped over to him, interrupting before Levi could answer. “You’re _the_ Levi?”

That seemed to be the question of the day. He was growing tired of hearing it.

“No,” he replied.

She laughed in response.

He hated the sound. It wasn’t anything like hers.

Hers had been pleasant.

“You’re much funnier than I would have expected, you know that?”

“I don’t.”

“My little brothers talk about you _all_ the time. They think they’re going to be on your team one day. It’s so cute, the way they dream.”

“I’m sure it is.” Levi sliced into his meat with a little more aggression than was necessary.

As the meal continued, he could feel the obnoxious woman’s eyes constantly glancing over at him.

He wanted her to stop.

Suddenly, she propped her chin on her palm, leaning towards him. He wished she wouldn’t. “Are you married, Captain?”

Levi’s chewing slowed. The reason behind her constant looks towards him becoming clearer. He swallowed his food. “No,” he answered.

“Now, why ever not? A man like you surely has his pick of the ladies. Although, I can’t exactly say I’m disappointed to hear your answer.”

Oluo snickered from across the table. “Captain? Ladies? That’s a good one.”

“You act as though the joke doesn’t also apply to you,” Gunther said from behind his mug.

Oluo’s smile quickly fell.

The woman’s smile, however, only grew. She bit her bottom lip. “So you’re, um, an _honorable_ soldier then?”

“Elisa!” her father scolded.

“What? I was just asking a question!”

“A question that’s hardly appropriate at the table!”

Eren snorted loudly beside him, quickly attempting to cover it up with a cough. Levi’s hand itched to smack him upside the head. His patience was quickly draining and it was only a matter of time until he said something that would cause trouble.

He just wanted to eat and get out.

Levi suddenly wished Erwin was here. He needed him. Erwin was always better with these kinds of situations.

He looked towards the other end of the table, over at Eld to draw strength from him instead.

Unhelpful. Eld was currently engaged in another conversation with the doctor. And the sight only made him feel worse. Eld had clearly gotten the better end of the table.

What about Petra? Perhaps she could-

No good either. She was preoccupied with talking to the farmer’s wife.

Shit.

Levi’s attention was drawn back to the woman as she touched his arm, her fingers grazing the fabric of his jacket.

It would be so easy, to take those fingers of hers with his, and bend them backwards…

“They just don’t make men like you around here,” she said with a coo. “My best prospect is with the boy from the flour mill on the other side of the woods. Gerhart, I think his name is? Anyway, it’s something dreadful, unlike _your_ name, Levi. I quite like your name.”

Levi didn’t bother to reply, instead deciding to focus on finishing his meal - with much more haste.

“My father thinks Gerhart would be a good match for me but I think I’m better suited to someone who’s strong and brave and goes off on daring adventures and-”

“You should listen to your father,” Levi said, his voice straining with the minimal patience he had left.

The farmer smiled and pointed towards Levi with his knife. “I knew there was a reason I liked you, Captain. A smart man you are. You have to be, I imagine, to command a special team like this in the Scouts.”

“And a special team we are, sir,” said Oluo, his chin lifting. “You have the pleasure of hosting the best of the best.”

“Best of the best, huh?” Elisa said, flashing a white smile. “You all must be _so_ strong.”

“The strongest,” Oluo agreed with an air of smugness.

Gunther closed his eyes in embarrassment, sighing.

“Anyway, tell me something about yourself, Levi,” Elisa said, turning back to him. “If you’re the captain of the best and strongest team, that must mean you’re pretty impressive yourself, huh?”

This woman was insufferable. She was like an annoying little gnat that constantly buzzed in his ear. Levi began questioning if the meal and shelter was even worth it at this point, if it meant he was to deal with her for the rest of the evening.

It seemed that was the price he had to pay.

But that didn't mean he actually had to listen to her.

Levi tuned her out with steadfast determination as she incessantly chattered away beside him throughout the rest of the meal, making things slightly more bearable. At one point, Levi glanced across the table to Gunther and Oluo. They looked back at him with smug, knowing looks.

When Mrs. Bauer pushed back her chair at the end of the meal and began collecting the table’s empty plates, she said, “Anything else I can get for you all?”

“Tea,” Levi answered before anyone else got a word in, cutting off the rambling of the cuss beside him.

“I’m fresh out of leaves, I’m sorry to say,” the wife replied. “We do have fresh milk though!”

As if this hellhole couldn’t have gotten any worse.

~~~~~

Dinner had actually been quite pleasant.

The food had been delicious and the conversation enjoyable. Especially with one individual in particular.

Between the ride and now dinner, you were surprised to find how much you enjoyed talking with Eld. He really was quite the gentleman, kind and compassionate, always interested in what you had to say. You found him much more open towards you than usual, and while you didn’t mind being under his constant attention, you couldn’t help but question what had gotten into him to make him so…chatty.

You briefly wondered if it had anything to do with the expedition in two days.

Regardless, it was hardly a thing to complain about. It was certainly better than the alternative, of being ostracized from the group.

As you helped clean up the table, stacking dirty plates in the giant basin in the kitchen, you came to the realization that between him and Petra, you really felt as though you had found a place in this group.

“Refills?” Mrs. Bauer offered as everyone gathered into the sitting room once everything had been cleaned up, a pitcher of milk in hand.

Oluo and Eren were the only ones to hold out their cups.

“Unfortunately, I only have two available beds,” said Mrs. Bauer as she poured them each a glass. “While I’m sure you’re all honorable soldiers, I can’t have either of the ladies sharing a room with the men if you are unmarried. Call me old-fashioned, but it’s just how I was raised.”

You leaned over to Petra to murmur, “It’s a good thing then we’re not lovers or else she’d be in for quite the shock, eh?” you joked in her ear which promptly turned pink.

Oluo spluttered into his cup, tears streaming as he coughed. Gunther reached over to smack his back several times, helping him clear out the milk he had inhaled. When he regained his breath, he looked around to see if anyone else had heard what you said. Apparently not. You held back a smile.

“Then my team member and physician will take the room,” Levi said from his spot against the wall, shooting a look towards Oluo. “The rest of us will find somewhere else to camp.”

As he spoke, you couldn’t help but notice how the farmer’s daughter stood quite close beside him, a strand of her hair curled around her index finger. What was her name again? You vaguely recalled the farmer mentioning it when she had arrived in the dining room. It now evaded you. After all, Eld had pulled your attention towards himself soon after her arrival.

“Captain, are you sure?” said Petra, the tops of her cheeks still flushed from your comment. “I’d feel guilty if we got to sleep in beds while you and the others were left outside.”

“Oh, I hardly would have them sleeping out there!” Mr. Bauer interjected. “What kind of host would I be? No, the rest of you can stay in the barn with the animals! They’ll keep it nice and warm for you in there. And you can use the hay as pallets. We’ll just bring out some blankets for you all. I’ve slept in there many times. It can be quite nice, trust me.”

You noticed that Levi looked as though he would rather sleep on a bed of nails before he spent an entire night inside a dirty barn filled with animals.

Or perhaps the look came from the fact that the fingers of Mr. Bauer’s daughter now grazed the inside of his wrist?

You narrowed your eyes at the gesture.

It seemed Mrs. Bauer’s old-fashioned concern over women and men staying in the same room wasn’t just a value she had been raised with, but one that came from knowing how her own daughter behaved around unmarried men.

You couldn’t help the feeling of satisfaction when Levi pulled his hand away to cross his arms, shifting his weight away from her.

Though why Levi didn’t do more to discourage this woman’s attention, you didn’t know.

You looked away when Levi’s eyes flickered over to you.

“Your hospitality is appreciated,” Eld thanked, nodding his head in gratitude. “You’ve gone out of your way so much for us already. You’ve given us quite the warm welcome.”

Some more warmly than others, you couldn’t help but think, watching as the woman wished Levi a good night’s rest.

You were grateful when you and Petra were finally allowed to retire for the night.

Thankfully, sharing a room with Petra this time wasn’t nearly as awkward as it had been the first time, the two of you now on much better terms.

However, when you returned from the bathing room down the hall, skin freshly rubbed raw from cleaning away the day’s long ride, you weren’t quite sure how to react when you found Petra sitting on her bed, your black notebook open to the most recent page.

You stopped in your tracks. “Umm…”

Petra’s head shot up, eyes wide. “I’m so sorry!” she said quickly. “It’s not what it looks like, I promise!”

You studied her, expression wary. “So what am I looking at?”

“I wasn’t reading anything, I swear! I just, I saw the book poking out of your bag and I noticed the picture that stuck out and I got really curious and I…am not helping my case.” She sighed, looking down. “I just saw it was a portrait and I wanted to know who it was.”

You saw then the miniature pocket portrait you had found ages ago in one of the infirmary’s beds in her hand. You had been using it as a bookmark to help keep your place in your notes since finding it. A bookmark that had apparently caught Petra’s attention.

You walked over to her and looked down at the portrait with her. The green eyes that stared back from the painting had become so familiar to you at this point, having seen them every time you opened your notebook.

“Is it…is he your lover?” she asked hesitantly.

You smiled, shaking your head. “No.”

“So, um, who is it?” she asked.

You shrugged. “No idea.”

She blinked up at you, confused. “Then why do you have it?”

You took it from her hands, flipping it over and reading the inscription for the hundredth time.

_Keep me at your heart always. - R_

“That’s a good question,” you replied. “I guess I feel obligated to fulfill the promise someone else couldn’t keep.”

That only worsened Petra’s confusion. “I don’t follow.”

“This portrait was left behind in the infirmary, and who knows how long it had been sitting in there before I found it,” you explained. “It was clearly given to someone with the intention that the person would keep it on them at all times. But, for whatever reason, that someone had to leave it behind. Which I find sad. This person’s request, to keep them at their heart, wasn’t fulfilled. So, I guess I just felt the need to take over the responsibility. I may not be the heart that this portrait was intended for, but at least it’s a heart, you know?”

Petra’s features softened. “I do know.” She handed you your notebook back. You placed the portrait back inside before closing it.

“I really am sorry for snooping. There was no ill intent.”

“It’s not as though you would have found anything personal in there anyway.” You smiled over at her. “Although, I was about to say, if you were interested in reading medical notes, you could have just asked.”

Petra gave you a relieved smile in return. “It’s not like I’d understand half of it anyway,” she said as she laid down and brought the covers over herself.

You blew out the room’s candle before slipping into your own bed.

You both laid in peaceful silence for a short while before Petra suddenly added, “It’s a bit romantic, isn’t it? Having a portrait done up and given to your love.”

You looked over at her, despite not being able to see her in the dark. “Would you do it? Give someone your portrait?”

“I think I would.”

You chewed on your bottom lip. “Is there someone now you would give it to?”

Though you couldn’t see it, you knew she smiled as she thought over her answer. “Hmm, provided they actually wanted a painting of me?” You heard her hair brush against the pillow as she turned to look back at you. “You’re going to laugh.”

“I promise I won’t.”

She was quiet for several breaths before finally admitting, “Oluo.”

You blinked.

That was certainly not the answer you had been expecting.

“Oluo? I thought you were going to say-”

“Levi?” she interrupted, her tone knowing. She then sighed. “I’m afraid he doesn’t see me in such a way, and I think such a gift would be wasted on a man like him. I would never wish to ruin what we have to pursue him in such a fashion, as much as I like him.” Petra shifted in her bed so she could look up at the ceiling. “No, if there was one person who would appreciate my portrait, it would be Oluo. I know he’d keep it in his pocket, against his heart.”

“Do you have feelings for him, then?”

“I suppose,” she said with a shrug. “I just wish he would try to be more himself, rather than trying to imitate Levi all the time. It makes it harder to get to know the real him.”

“Why don’t you do it then? Give him a portrait? And tell him you’d like to get to know him?”

“Because of the nature of our job,” she answered honestly before falling asleep. “We haven’t the luxury of pairing up. There is no happy ending when it comes to being a scout. There is just one inevitable end, for all of us. So it will always be safer to keep those kinds of feelings to oneself. To protect both yourself and the person you love.”

As Petra slept soundlessly across the room, you couldn’t help but stay awake, thinking over what she had said.

You thought about Petra’s words a lot that night.

~~~~~

Horses he could handle. Freshly cleaned stables he could handle.

Staying the night in a barn filled with cows and sheep where the smell of shit was just as prominent as hay and rotting wood?

He couldn’t wait for dawn to arrive, when they could finally get back on their horses and continue on their way.

At least his belly was full with a warm meal.

It had been the only good thing to come out of having to tolerate that obnoxious woman.

Oluo wrapped his arms around his stomach and sighed, his body slumped against a hay bale. His shape was a dark lump across the space, the only light that filtered into the barn coming from the moon outside. “I haven’t eaten this much good food in so long.”

“They were very kind to feed us as much as they did, all things considered,” said Eld, pulling his cloak tighter around himself to keep warm.

Levi felt a snort of air against his face that pushed his hair into his eyes.

He looked over and came face to face with a sheep poking its head through an opening of the pen he sat beside. It sniffed the air, then blinked once.

“Oi, get lost,” Levi shooed.

The sheep didn’t move.

Levi narrowed his eyes. He hated its rectangular pupils and how they kept staring at him. It creeped him out.

The sheep exhaled heavily, spraying snot onto his cheek.

Levi scowled, putting his hand on the sheep’s nose and pushing it back into the pen. He promptly wiped his face off with the sleeve of his jacket.

“It’s a shame about the lack of rooms though,” continued Eld. “At least the women will be comfortable tonight.”

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Oluo asked, his eyes lifted towards the rafters above him.

“Not you, if that’s what you’re implying,” Gunther said. He sat with an arm propped on his bent knee, the hood of his cloak pulled over his head. Levi had assumed he had already fallen asleep ages ago. Apparently not.

“You don’t know that!” Oluo protested.

Gunther snorted. “I think we can be fairly confident they’re not. And even if they were, it’s certainly not in the way you hope.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an excellent conversation piece.”

The sheep’s nose poked back out.

Eld smirked. “Oh? Then tell us, what would they be talking about?”

“Well, for one, how much of a wonderful husband I would make. I’m well-groomed, I’m brave…”

“You’ve got a high Titan count,” added Eren from his spot atop the tallest pile of straw.

“See? Even the brat agrees with me!”

“That doesn’t count for much,” Levi replied, reaching over to push the sheep’s head back into the pen as it bleated loudly at him.

Oluo huffed in frustration. “Not like you lot would be any better for them.”

“There’s a good reason we’re not,” Gunther said. “It’s not like it’s feasible anyway.”

“He’s right,” Eld agreed.

Oluo clicked his tongue in derision. “Rich coming from you, Eld. I’ve seen the way you look at that doctor whenever she’s with us! All doe-eyed and soft you get!”

Eld coughed. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Come on, be honest with everyone. We’re all friends,” Oluo drawled, “Just admit that you fancy her. I bet you even got all excited when she did your exam.”

Levi looked away, keeping silent.

“Is it really such a crime to enjoy a person’s company in a professional manner?” Eld said. “She’s a fresh face whenever she’s around seeing as I’ve got to look at your ugly mug all day.”

Oluo sniffed. “How rude. I’ll have you know, Eld, that I’ve had _two_ moments alone with her outside of training. Are you jealous?”

“No. I just feel bad for her, especially since I know for one of them she had to pop that thing on your ass.”

Oluo burned red. “Oh, just confess you want her!”

“I will the moment you confess to wanting Petra.”

“Now that’s just out of line!”

“Knock it off,” Levi interrupted, having had quite enough.

The corner of Gunther’s lips twitched under the shadow of his hood. “Why don’t you tell us about your new lady instead, Captain?”

Levi leaned his head against the wooden beam he sat propped up against, closing his eyes. “No.”

“Oh, that’s right! When’s the wedding, Captain?” quipped Oluo with a smirk. “Are we invited?”

“I’d sooner be eaten by a Titan,” Levi replied.

Oluo scoffed. “Imagine finding it a nuisance, to have a pretty woman hang onto your arm, pining after you!”

“Then you take her,” Levi said, wishing sleep would come to take him away from this discussion. “I don’t care.” He made certain his tone was final, so they would stop talking about it.

The others got the hint and moved on.

He was grateful.

Levi tuned out their voices as their conversation continued onto other subjects. He waited for the moment when their talking would naturally fade away as they fell asleep so he could have some silence for himself.

After what felt like an eternity, they finally did.

Levi enjoyed the quiet while he could.

Because he knew within minutes there would be the sound of…

Oluo snorted loudly in his sleep, a deep, vibrating sound.

…Oluo’s rip-roaring snores.

As Levi’s thoughts wandered aimlessly, waiting for sleep to take him as well, he could feel a pair of eyes back on him.

He opened an eye and saw the sheep had returned, staring at him. It bleated.

Levi sighed in resignation, closing his eyes again and shifting in his spot to get more comfortable.

“Captain?” he heard Eren’s voice suddenly whisper to him through the dark. Irritation flashed through Levi.

“Go to sleep,” he ordered, wanting to be left alone.

“But, sir-”

“Sleep, Eren.”

“…yes, sir.”

He heard Eren roll over on his bale of hay, silence once again settling over the group.

~~~~~

When you awoke the next morning, you looked over to the bed across the room, finding Petra still fast asleep. Her mouth was soft, the covers tucked around her rising with every slow, steady breath.

You eased out of bed, dressing quietly so as not to wake her. You then slipped out of the room.

As you made your way down the house's main staircase, you tossed a passing glance out the window that was positioned across the stair’s landing. You stopped.

You saw Levi a short distance away outside, sitting on one of the small hay bales outside of the barn, a cup resting on his knee that was kept balanced by his hand.

The sight tugged on something inside of you, and before you could stop yourself, you found yourself changing course to the front door.

The rotted wood of the porch's front steps creaked loudly as you stepped down from the farmhouse.

“Morning,” Levi said as you approached from behind, his focus kept forward on the horizon.

“Sunrise is quite nice this morning,” you commented as you stopped to stand beside him, your arms folding across your chest. “Others still asleep?”

“Gunther’s up and wandering around here somewhere,” Levi replied, lifting his mug and tilting his head back slightly.

The movement caught the corner of your eye. You looked over at him, admiring the way the slope of his throat bobbed with each swallow. The glint of a tin container that had been tucked away on the other side of him caught your attention, pulling your eyes away from him. You recognized it as the one you had given him. You looked back forward, hiding a pleased smile.

“Nervous about tomorrow?” he said as he lowered the cracked mug.

“In some ways,” you answered. You questioned how honest you should be with him.

Why the hell not, you ultimately decided. These next two day were very likely your last. What harm would come from opening up to him? Just this once. Just this small amount.

“I’m confident in my abilities,” you continued. “It’s the unknown that makes me afraid. The unaccounted factors that could mess everything up in an instant. I wish there was a way to prepare for it, mentally I mean.”

“It would be pointless anyway,” he replied. “Even if you could, preparation only gets you so far. There’s no judging how your mind will react to certain situations. Rely on your skills. It’ll be what keeps you from falling apart should things go wrong. Which they almost always do.”

“Focus on the work, not the emotions?”

“Precisely.”

“And what about when the work is finished?” you asked, looking down to him. “When you’re forced to face the emotions you kept pushing away?”

His face was impassive. “That…I have no good advice on.”

“It’s not easy, is it?”

“No. It never is.”

You heard the sincerity in his reply. You decided not to push any further. You were well aware of the emotional wounds that were consistently inflicted on the scouts. It would be no good to pick off a scab just to see what was underneath, especially since you knew it would just bleed and prolong healing.

“You know, I’ve never seen a Titan before,” you said, changing the subject. “If you don’t count Eren’s half-transformation.”

“You haven’t missed out. They’re ugly things.”

You smiled. “How ugly?”

“Just imagine Oluo, but bigger.”

You couldn’t help the laugh that came out. You quickly covered your mouth with your hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, his own mouth covered by his mug but the corners of his eyes crinkled with amusement.

You stood beside him quietly, the air between you both companionable, watching together as the sun rose.

“Thank you, by the way,” you said, breaking the silence after a short while.

“For what?”

“For tolerating me this past month. I hope I can repay you in kind by proving my value to you and the Scouts. So that all of this hasn’t been for nothing.”

“You’ve nothing to prove to me.”

“Don’t I? I certainly feel like I do.”

Levi’s drummed a finger against the side of his mug. “Why?”

You squinted your eyes against the sun as it came into full view, the angle of its ascent blinding. “Because you’re you. You’re important and your opinion matters to many people. And…because I care what you think of me.”

“You’ve no reason to care what I think.”

You lifted your shoulders into a shrug. “I can think of a reason or two.”

“Tell me.”

Quickly your shoulders dropped. You hadn’t expected him to actually call you out on it.

Fuck.

“I…want you to find me valuable,” you said carefully, the tiniest of offerings. “As someone who is integral to your cause, I mean. I never wish to be perceived as a hindrance or unnecessary. I want to help. I’ve seen how much you work, Captain, and how seriously you take your duty. It’s admirable. And I suppose…I just hope you can see the same in me.”

“You sound like Petra,” he replied.

You weren’t sure how to respond to that. “I take it that’s a good thing?”

“It’s a good thing.”

You hugged your arms tighter across yourself. “Don’t you care what others think of you?”

“Depends on whose opinion it is.”

“And whose would that be?”

He was quiet for a moment before answering, “The premier. Certain members of the military. We talked a big game, that day of the trial. We fail this mission, we look like fools and Erwin’s reputation will take a hit. I don’t want that for him.”

“Sounds like you care more about what others think of Erwin rather than yourself.”

“Suppose you could say that.”

You looked back over at him and something in your chest tightened. It was the strangest feeling, almost a contradiction: to have admiration feel simultaneously so nice and yet, so sore. Your eyes grazed his profile. Why? Why did you feel a twinge of pain at how utterly honest and handsome someone could be?

You wished in that moment that you could sit down beside him, press your shoulder against his, and just…be with him. You felt as though that would help ease some of this tightening you felt inside your chest.

You wanted to learn more about him.

You wanted him to learn more about you.

Your thoughts returned to what Petra had mentioned the night before, to the words you had chewed over all night, how the nature of their job prevented everyone in the team from pairing up. How it would always be safer to keep those kinds of feelings tucked away safely, both for your own protection and theirs.

You tore your eyes away from him, back to the horizon.

You suddenly understood what Marc Werner meant that day during his exam. To have your heart physically hurt whenever you looked at the most beautiful person inside the walls, knowing they could never be yours.


	18. Kisses in Karanes

Karanes was a bustling district, one that so closely resembled its southern sister of Trost. That was until Trost had been forced to her knees just a few weeks past. Once so similar, the differences between the two districts quickly became apparent and stark, and yet their relationship between one another still seemed to echo semblance. In each district, rickety barrows whose wheels bumped against the cobblestone streets transported the day’s deliveries. In the east, such barrows were filled with produce aplenty, plucked from their earthy homes only hours prior, the leafy and healthy green of vegetables overflowing the sides. In the south, they were filled with the mangled and unidentified, plucked from their ruined homes only hours prior, the decomposing and sickly grey of limbs overflowing the sides.

In each district, the sound of hammering. In the east, metal struck against metal, the harsh ringing of a tradesman’s tools against an anvil, producing a weapon only the wealthiest of merchants could afford. In the south, metal struck against metal, the muted thud of a hammer against a nail, sealing shut a coffin only the wealthiest of merchants could afford.

In each district, people gathered together. In the east, the lively mingled in taverns and markets, those lucky enough to even have a coin to spend. In the south, the dead mingled in mass graves, those lucky enough to even have a body to bury.

In the east, a shout of laughter.

In the south, a wail of grief.

Those who had managed to flee Trost might have found comfort and refuge in a city so similar to the one they had lost, and yet such similarities might have only served as a painful reminder of what they once had, how horrible their circumstances truly were.

Such differences may have also served as a painful reminder of just how lucky they had it.

Priests from the Church of the Walls flocked the streets, their loud and public sermons more urgent, more spiteful, and more alarmist than usual. They spoke of the shameful desecration that must have occurred in Trost, how sullied she must have become through the people’s defiling of her walls to end up with such a fate. They warned the people of Karanes to take heed, to learn from their sister district and not follow in her disgraceful footsteps. The people of Trost did not listen to them, and so perhaps the people of Karanes should start listening to them now.

When the flock of green cloaks arrived, tensions grew, and a mixture of complex emotions swirled between Karanes’ people. For some, a rising of hope. The Survey Corps were the only ones brave and noble enough to try and ride out to Wall Maria, to reclaim what was once lost. With their Wings of Freedom sewn onto their backs, they brought with them a sense of purpose and optimism, a promise to fight back against the forces that sought to destroy everything. And so the people reached out to them, thanking them for fighting back, for doing what no others would. They shouted words of encouragement and appreciation. They wished for their safe return.

For others, there was apprehension. For there were plenty of people who’d experienced the calling and return of the Scouts’ expeditions one too many times; who had lost family and friends one too many times. They viewed them as a lost cause, a hopeless ambition that only served to destroy morale further. The Survey Corps’ relentless motivation to continue venturing outside of the walls felt like an insult to all that they had already lost. Did they not get that their missions were fruitless? And so when some people glanced upon the Scouts’ Wings of Freedom, they saw not hope, but rather a marker for Death to take aim.

It was the eve of their 57th expedition.

And it seemed that it wasn’t just the emotions of Karanes’ people that ran high.

But rather the scouts as well.

Of course, they were much better at keeping it all contained, but they were still there nonetheless. The mere hours left before their expedition embarkment seemed to bring about reflection for many of the soldiers. After all, there was a very good chance that this was the last time they would be able to enjoy the pleasures of life, to see their friends, to see the stars.

Some scouts became more sociable, while others became more withdrawn. Desperate, last-minute letters were written and folded into envelopes; some sent out, some tucked away into pockets. Some scouts reflected on all they were able to achieve in their lives, while others ruminated in regret over what was never accomplished.

Lovers, both known and secret, joined together for what could very well be their last time.

For others, a final chance to make feelings known.

Confessions abound.

Two pairs of boots scuffed against the cobblestone streets, their owners returning from an errand to help pick up the last of the needed supplies from a local supplier.

One pair belonged to Eld.

The other, to you.

“May I ask you something?” Eld said first, arms wrapped around a wooden crate of supplies.

“Go ahead,” you said second, holding the other crate, none the wiser of what was inside.

“Are you spoken for, by anyone?”

“Spoken for? As in engaged?”

Eld nodded, expression serious.

You huffed a laugh. “No. I’m not.”

Eld blew out a breath, then smiled. “Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

You gave him a questioning look as you walked. “And why would you be glad to hear such a thing?”

He shook his head, the smile on his lips turning secretive. “No reason.”

You tilted your head. “And what if I had told you that I was, in fact, spoken for?”

Eld’s eyes narrowed as if thinking over his answer. Finally, he said, “Well, firstly, I would question your taste in lovers.”

“You wouldn’t even know who it is yet!” you protested with a laugh.

“That hardly matters. They wouldn’t be me, so naturally, you picking anyone else is immediately questionable.”

Your lips parted, your eyebrows raising in surprise. “Wow, someone thinks quite highly of himself,” you joked. “I never took you as the type.”

Eld laughed, a dimple appearing by the corner of his mouth. He turned his face away, bashful. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“No, no, I think you meant for it to come out _exactly_ like that.”

His lips quivered with another laugh. “Maybe just a little bit.”

“So you truly think you’re the best person for me, huh?”

“I don’t think it. I know it.”

“There you go again!”

Eld laughed for a second time.

You couldn’t help the smile that came to your face. You gently nudged his arm with your elbow. “You scouts are always so dour and serious. It’s nice to see one of you laugh. All of you do it so little.”

“Well, we’re rarely given the opportunity to, considering our work,” he said. “But I’ve actually been finding a reason to do it more lately.”

“Oh?”

“Mm. You see, ever since this talented doctor has joined my team, I’ve been finding myself smiling more and more.”

You held back a pleased smile. “Is she cute too?”

“Beautiful. My heart squeezes every time I look at her.”

You couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of pleasure at that. “She must be somethin’ else.”

“I’ve never known anyone like her,” Eld said. “But I’m afraid she’s a bit out of my league, though.”

“Hm, I don’t know if she would agree with that,” you said lightly. “Who knows, she might just have a soft spot for handsome men in green cloaks.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Eld’s posture straightening a bit, holding himself taller.

“It’s a bit funny, now that I think of it,” Eld said after a moment. “When you first joined us, I remember telling Oluo you weren’t here for our amusement and that you were here solely to work. And yet, I find myself wishing that you weren’t here for work, but rather, well…” his voice faded awkwardly. “I’m not good with these kinds of things. I admit I don’t have much experience when it comes to…”

“Wooing someone?” you finished for him.

He gave you an embarrassed smile. “At least I’m not the only one. When Oluo tries it’s really painful to watch. Petra clearly has a soft spot for Levi, but she never acts on it. Gunther doesn’t even bother.”

“And the captain?” you asked as casually as you could.

Eld chuckled. “Now _that’s_ a sight I would like to see, Levi trying to seduce someone. No, he’s just like Gunther in that regard. He’s got no reason to, so he doesn’t. Although, I did see that farmer’s daughter clinging onto him this morning when we were preparing to leave and he looked miserable. So I guess that’s your best answer.”

As you both turned the corner of the street, you passed a group of people whose expressions conveyed guarded wariness. Their mouths leaned towards ears to murmur unintelligible comments under their breath.

“You always get such a warm reception?” you asked as you walked away from them, having noticed their reaction.

Eld shrugged. “The public’s opinion of us always tends to be mixed. Some people really love the Scouts, some not so much. When we’re all gathered in one place, it tends to set a bit of a frenzy going with the public.”

“Does it ever bother you?”

“You learn quickly that you can’t let them get to you. Although that’s much easier said than done. Especially whenever we return.”

“I can only imagine,” you replied. “I’ve seen how some scouts are when they come back from a mission. It must be hard enough to process your own emotions, never mind having a horde of people around you adding to the stress.”

Eld nodded. “Exactly. Whenever we’re outside the walls, it’s easy to forget about their opinion of us. We become so hyper-focused on the task at hand, on Titans and on surviving, that whenever we return inside the walls, it can feel like whiplash.” He gave you a sad smile. “Grief is much more difficult to process when you’ve got an angry crowd swarming you. But on the other hand, when you come back successful, there’s no greater feeling. For once you’re grateful that the crowds of people are there, to join in on the celebration. It just happens so rarely. But I suppose that only makes the feeling more special in the end.”

“And what about the people who are supportive and grateful that you’re here?” you asked. “Surely having positive support is helpful?”

“It can be nice, but we also must be careful not to depend on them. Positivity can easily lead to false hope; a false promise that everything is going to be okay. Being a scout means finding the balance between keeping a cool head and having confidence in one’s abilities, while also making sure to never forget the obvious reality of our situation. Having too much optimism leads to greater hurt in the end, while having too much negativity hurts morale. It’s a very difficult and tedious balance to keep. It’s why oftentimes you find scouts deciding to just ignore everyone, receding into themselves.” Eld suddenly looked towards you, worry apparent on his face. “I hope I’m not scaring you about tomorrow.”

“Not at all,” you said in reassurance. “I appreciate your honesty. I want to know what it’s really like for you, and what to expect.”

“Well, if it helps you at all, I know for many of us it’s always helpful to have something or someone to motivate us to fight harder and make sure we return. Although, sometimes it just comes down to plain ‘ol dumb luck whether or not some of us make it back.”

“And do you have something or someone that motivates you to return, Eld?” you said, looking over to him.

“Besides wanting to live?” he said cheekily. “My family. The knowledge that I would have participated in a great feat, knowing I did something great for all for those inside the walls. And…”

You waited expectantly for him to continue. When he didn’t you said, “And?”

“And…” He cleared his throat. “And I think I might have a new motivation. To help make sure I come back.”

The two of you stopped in front of the inn that served as temporary barracks for the scouts. Eld carefully placed his crate by his feet, his eyes avoiding yours.

“Oh?” you said, curious. “And what’s that?”

He was hesitant to answer once again. You studied his face, trying to decipher his sudden change in mood. You found his expression grim, if not a bit paler than usual.

“Are you feeling alright, Eld?” you said, concerned. “You look as though you’re about to be ill…”

“I’m fine, fine.” Eld finally turned to you, taking your own box from your arms and placing it on top of his. He pushed the two crates against the side of the building, joining the stacks of supplies that were already there, waiting to be loaded up into their wagons the following day.

Eld returned to face you, reaching out and taking one of your hands. You noticed his fingers trembled slightly, his skin a bit clammy. “It’s just that I’m about to do something very selfish.” He took a deep breath and his eyes finally met yours. “But, I wish to be selfish, when it comes to you.”

Oh.

Fuck.

“You are, without a single doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever come across,” he continued. “And I know that I may not be able to offer you a stable life or a wealthy life, but the life that I can offer you is one filled with my full love and support. I am a man who you can depend on to protect you. I’m well aware that a scout doesn’t make for a good spouse, and I’d no sooner want to make you a widow, but I also feel as though I must be honest with you and that I must speak my truth. And my truth is that I admire you. Achingly so. We may not be able to settle down with each other, but at the very least we can be by each other’s side, living the very little time life has granted us together.”

You swallowed, racking your brain for the best response. You settled on, “Scouts have already given their hearts to the cause, have you not?”

“We have. But it also seems as though I’ve been given a piece back just to give to you. If you’ll have it.” Eld leaned forward to gently kiss the back of your hand, the hair on his chin tickling your skin. His eyes flickered up to yours, his thumb running softly across your knuckles as his lips lingered just a hair’s breadth away from your hand.

You suddenly became hyper-aware of the stream of people that walked past the both of you on the street.

They were the most lovely and honest of words. The most vulnerable of confessions.

All coming from the wrong person.

But which would be more cruel?

To reject your kind friend on the eve of what could be his death or to be dishonest, accepting his confession for the sake of his feelings, knowing it would only lead him on and get his hopes up.

Or what if you accepted and met your death the following day, what would that do to him?

He was an experienced and exceptional soldier. Considered one of the very best in the entire Survey Corps. His chances of survival were the highest one could ever hope for a soldier in the Scouts.

But it was still not _the_ best.

For there was another soldier, one who had already caught your attention. One who had an even better chance of survival and who would bring with him a smaller chance of your heart breaking from death’s grief. One who made you wish you could say you were spoken for.

You had no idea how to convey any of this to Eld.

“I can see you’re surprised,” Eld said with a soft smile, straightening. “You certainly don’t have to give me an answer now. I’ve just unloaded a lot onto you. All I ask of you is to consider what I’ve said. You can give me your answer another time.” He squeezed your hand gently before releasing it.

Movement caught the corner of your eye and you looked up to one of the upper story windows.

Oh, fuck.

~~~~~

Levi had been wiping down the window of his room, rag squeaking harshly against the glass, when he saw them on the street below.

He paused his cleaning, watching as Eld reached for her hand.

Levi couldn’t hear him, but it was clear that whatever he was saying wasn’t easy for him. Eld then leaned over, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.

Levi noticed she didn’t pull away.

He put his cloth over the two of them and scrubbed harder.

Utterly ridiculous, the way Eld was behaving. More annoying, however, was the uncomfortable feeling of discontent building in Levi’s chest.

Levi shook out the rag before folding it neatly and placing it on a side table, needing to leave the window. He’d seen enough.

He went over to the bed and pulled off the linens to remake it the way he preferred.

What a nuisance this doctor was proving to be. An unhelpful distraction from the work that required his complete focus. His team’s complete focus. But could he fault her? After all, she had been the one dragged into all this by Erwin. And her performance was nothing short of exemplary so far, even if there had been that minor issue between her and Siggy that had caused him a day’s headache.

Wasn’t her working well with his team the best Levi could have hoped for? And based on the conversation he’d had with Erwin days prior when he visited headquarters, he’d seemed pleased enough with her as well.

Then why did Levi want her gone?

Why did he never want her to leave?

Levi thought back to that evening when the commander had joined him in one of the castle’s sitting rooms, Erwin’s business for the day completed. Erwin had brought with him a flagon of gin, two glasses pinched between his fingers. Glass clinked against glass as he poured them each a drink. Time slipped by, conversation flowing easily as it always did with Erwin.

“You had your exam, then?” Levi had asked from his spot on the settee at one point, his elbow propped on the back of the sofa, glass dangling precariously from the ends of his fingers.

Erwin’s forearm had been resting on the fireplace’s mantel, his head bowed as he stared into the flames, amber light flickering across his features. His middle finger tapped against the side of his own half-drunk glass. “Indeed, I did.”

Levi pushed back the thought of her hands having been on Erwin. And all the other scouts. “You’re still not going to tell me exactly why you need her, are you?” he said.

“It’s more her old man that I need,” Erwin replied, “but based on the conversation I had with her today, she might prove to be just as valuable, if not more.”

Levi blinked. “So what does she know about Titans?” he asked bluntly.

The corner of Erwin’s lip twitched. “I remember you mentioning to me how you tried questioning her. You were unsuccessful, were you not?”

The space between Levi’s brows furrowed in irritation. “I’m sure you remember the answer to that just fine too.”

Erwin suppressed a laugh. “I’m just saying that I’m not all that surprised you didn’t get anything useful from her.”

“Because she’s reticent?”

Erwin nodded. “It likely didn’t help that you tend to lack tact, either.” He brought his glass to his mouth, tilting his head back.

Levi’s lips pressed into a thin line. “I was tactful.”

“Were you? Or were you just trying to intimidate her?”

Levi huffed through his nose. “Not enough, apparently. Why don’t we just force it out of her? Save us all this time.”

Erwin looked over at Levi, his eyes knowing. “By all means. But do you wish to be the one to hurt her in such a way?”

“…No.”

“That’s what I thought.” Erwin returned his gaze to the fire. “Besides, we’d lose her trust and talents that way."

“You learned nothing either, then?”

“On the contrary, I learned quite a bit. Just nothing we can readily use. Things are still too new and our leads unverified. We still need to be cautious, Levi, which means keeping quiet for now. Just continue watching over her as you have been. She’ll open up in time.”

“That reminds me,” Levi said, leaning forward to place his glass on the low table in front of him. “You have me watching her until it’s time for us to leave for Wall Maria. But once we depart, she’s no longer in my care. Why?”

“You know why, Levi.”

Levi scoffed. “You can’t honestly believe she had either the skill or motive to have killed Hange’s Titans,” he drawled. “It’s obvious it wasn’t her, nor is she in contact with whoever did it.”

“And you know this for certain how?”

“I just do.”

“Still, it never hurts to take precautions whenever we can,” Erwin replied.

“And allowing her access to Eren in the meantime?”

“A gamble,” Erwin admitted. “But with you here close by, she’s not likely to try anything.”

“I still don’t think she should be joining us on this expedition.”

Erwin glanced back over at him. “Have you grown attached, Levi?”

“Hardly. I barely see her.”

“Your letters take a different tone whenever you mention her.”

Levi ignored Erwin’s comment in favor of replying, “It just seems like a waste to risk her in such a way, especially since you apparently need her so much. Why not just keep her in Karanes until we return?”

“Because I plan to use her in every available way I can,” Erwin said. “And I need her to see what it’s like out there. I need her to experience what it is we do and what we fight for. It’s one thing to hear about it, it’s another to experience it personally, as you well know. I am hopeful this brings about a new perspective for her.”

Levi knew better than to ask, “And she can’t do that with my squad? She could always treat the wounded afterward,” and yet he did so anyway. He knew exactly why she couldn’t be with them. He had even said such to her when she had come to him questioning her orders. He just wanted to hear the answer confirmed from Erwin himself.

“No. I need you focused on Eren,” Erwin reliably answered. “Besides, I had a long conversation with Gervas a few weeks back. Arrangements have been made to ensure her safety as best we can, should the formation break. Have reassurance that her welfare is one of my priorities and she will be returned to your watch after the expedition.”

“I don’t need such reassurance.”

“Don’t you?”

Levi looked away. “No. I’m just making sure you’re not fucking up this opportunity.”

“I appreciate the concern.” Erwin had then pushed off from the mantle, finishing off the rest of his drink and ending the conversation. “But I have a good feeling about this, Levi. And I don’t say that lightly.”

Levi pulled the corner of the bed’s sheet taut, folding and tucking it smoothly underneath the thin mattress. Erwin’s last words to him that night still rang in his head. A good feeling? Such a non-thing to place such large stakes on. Levi knew Erwin to be the kind of man to take risks, but to risk the life of a person who wasn’t a properly trained scout, someone who had importance inside the walls, it just didn’t sit right with Levi. They lose her during this mission, then the walls would lose a competent physician who could have doctored many more people for years to come, not to mention whatever secret knowledge she apparently held.

Although, he supposed they did have her old man as a backup. However, Levi suspected Helfen was likely to become uncooperative towards the Scouts should something happen to his student while under their care.

Levi shook out the single, pitiful blanket before snapping it over the bed, the worn fabric settling neatly over the sheets. Funny, how Erwin had the uncanny ability to pressure others to join the Survey Corps whenever he needed them. The key difference, however, was Levi was already able to take care of himself, while she could not. He’d had nothing to lose and only to gain, whereas she had everything to lose.

No, that wasn’t completely true. He did have something to lose and he had lost it. Two scars still harshly marked his heart as a result, jagged and painful even to this day.

Guilt racked Levi. He’d been responsible for them and their lives were cut too short. He didn’t want hers to end the same way. He wasn’t eager to add a third scar. She deserved to live a full life, doing the profession she so clearly desired to do without risk to herself; to be surrounded by people who could appreciate her thoroughly rather than use her. She could never find such while being forced to serve the Scouts.

The sight of Eld kissing the physician’s hand came back to Levi’s mind. The image lingered and annoyance crept upon him.

Levi recalled Oluo accusing Eld of favoring the doctor’s attention. It was certainly in Eld’s prerogative to pursue her in such a way regardless of what Levi thought. Levi knew Eld was well aware of the consequences, and if that was the risk he wanted to take then far be it for Levi to interfere. He’d respect Eld’s choice even if he didn’t personally like it. That was if she wanted such too.

Levi hoped not.

He didn’t know why…

But God he hoped not.

Suddenly, the image in his mind morphed, and instead of Eld’s lips, it was Levi’s that were pressed against her hand, his own fingers wrapped around hers.

Levi paused. That…was less annoying.

It was still inappropriate and ridiculous, but at least whatever discontent he felt in his chest eased slightly.

Only in hindsight would Levi come to realize he should not have entertained that trickle of a thought. Encouraged by his hesitance, his thoughts quickly turned into a flood, bursting Levi’s carefully constructed seal and overwhelming him with a torrent of thoughts he had worked so hard to keep locked away. For the image changed again and she was above him, her thighs straddling his hips, those divine hands of hers under his shirt, touching him. He conjured up the way they had felt during his exam, only this time her hands lingered on his skin, fingertips brushing across his chest because she wanted to, not because she had to. He pictured them traveling lower, down his abdomen, and lower still. He imagined his own hands gripping her bare waist, pulling her closer to him.

He wondered if she tasted just as good as she smelled. He wondered what kinds of sounds she would make and whether they would be just as beautiful of a song as her laugh. He wondered how her tits and ass would feel under his hands if he were to caress them, grasp them.

He wanted to know how the weight of her would feel on top of him, pressed as close as she could be. He wanted her rocking and grinding against him.

He ached to know how she would feel around him.

Grateful that no one was around, Levi crouched and furiously pushed the ends of the blanket between the mattress and wooden bed frame. His hands then smoothed across the bed, ensuring not a wrinkle was in sight, the edges crisp and neat.

Frustration overwhelmed Levi. In every sense of the word.

He needed to get ahold of himself.

Shame quickly came to join the frustration. Such dirty, disgusting thoughts that would horrify the good doctor should she ever discover of them. Which she most certainly would not.

As Levi placed the only pillow onto the bed, he came to the rash decision that he no longer wanted to be held responsible for her welfare.

After this expedition, he would need to speak with Erwin right away. Should she still live, and should Erwin still have need of her for whatever reason of his, then he can deal with stationing her elsewhere. As far as Levi was concerned, he needed to wash his hands of her. He’d only gone along with her being with his team because Erwin had ordered it. But now things were getting out of hand. It was the only solution Levi could think of to ensure those types of thoughts would cease immediately.

Levi sat on the edge of the bed, instantly ruining his careful work of smoothing it out. He took out her notes from his pocket, the creases worn and fragile from opening and refolding them so many times. He stared down at her handwriting, at the three simple sentences. Tangible evidence that she had been thinking of him, of wanting to gift him something even if it had been an apology.

He so rarely received gifts.

He looked over at the tin of tea leaves and the bag of sugar that sat on top of his ODM trunk.

Levi’s thoughts turned to the tentative promise he made to himself weeks ago; to ensure no harm would befall her, to test whether he could actually influence the world around himself, to keep another soul safe.

The heel of his boot tapped against the wood floor.

What in God’s name had compelled himself to make such a dumb promise again? Was it because Erwin had placed her in his care and he didn’t wish to fail in this objective? Was it because he had failed to keep Furlan and Isabel alive, lives he had once deemed his responsibility, and so this was his chance of redemption?

Was he because he believed she could really help the Survey Corps and could prove invaluable to the cause?

Was it because he simply enjoyed her presence and so he selfishly wanted to see if he could keep her near him?

Was it because he wanted to fuck her?

Levi could have sworn his tentative promise had come from a purely professional place. He now worried things were changing and his motivations were coming from a more personal one. Which would benefit no one in the end.

Levi sighed, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes, notes still pinched between his fingers.

He was in a world of shit.

Levi knew deep down he couldn’t abandon her or the private promise he had made to her. And even though he’d only known this woman for a month, he realized he wanted to know her for many more.

If there was one thing Levi knew, it was that if you wanted something done, it was probably best to just do it yourself. There was something inside of him, he didn’t know what, but something inside of him was telling him that he should be the one to stand in front of her, the world in front of them, swords drawn.

And so Levi changed his mind again. On what little honor he had left, he would stay true to the promise he had secretly made to her. To stand by the choice he’d already made.

~~~~~

The sun had long ago since set.

Arne wandered the streets, looking for her. He knew she wouldn’t have gone far.

Finally, he spotted her on a rooftop, her legs dangling off the side. He fired his wires, joining her in an instant.

He sat beside her, the metal sheaths on each hip clunking against the roof’s tiles.

“Hey, Reesey.”

“Hey, Gervas.”

A hand sliding towards another.

“It seems we’ve made it to another night.”

“It would appear so.”

“I always hate the night before.”

“Me too.”

A crossing of pinky fingers.

“I always end up thinking of the same thing.”

“You mean the night we first met?”

“Mm.”

“Me too.”

“Your hair was shorter then.”

“And yours longer.”

The shifting of a body to get closer to another.

“I think of other nights too.”

“Of course you do, Arne.”

“Don’t you?”

“You know I do.”

“Sometimes I don’t know.”

“Well, I do.”

The pressing of two arms against each other.

“We’re going to be okay, right, Reesey?”

“We always are, Arne.”

“But what if this time-”

“We always are, Arne.”

A kiss. A shared secret between two people. Lips tender and breath warm.

“I’d ride through fire for you, Reesey.”

“I know you would, Arne.”


End file.
